My Break Story

[The Ex]

First off, I want to thank each and every person who reads this post in it's entirety. It took me about 4 days of contemplating before I finally decided to write this. I've been randomly looking at this site for the past month, and have seen some threads with some really supportive people, and incredibly useful advice. So I finally decided to tell my story, and see what people may think.

 

I want to start by making this clear... the girl I'm talking about is someone I love very dearly. She is a truly good person, and really went above and beyond for me in the 2 years we were together.

 

I will refer to her as JC. I met her in the summer of 2011 through sheer chance while on vacation in Chicago. At the time, I was living in Los Angeles. We instantly connected, and went on a date the next day. I ending up spending the entire day with her, and even spent the night. My flight back to LA was the next morning, and we committed to seeing where this would go. So we did the long distance thing from July through October. During that time, I agreed to move to Chicago to be with her.

 

We were very in love, and hated being apart. The thing about me moving was I was ultimately putting my career on hold to do that. It was somewhat agreed that we would eventually move back to California together. So I moved... things were great at first, but I was on unemployment for a while. Money inevitably became an issue. We had our ups and downs, but still remained loyal, faithful and in love. That being said, there were fights at times that were pretty heavy. I won't go into an overwhelming amount of detail because this would take forever to write... so instead, I'll present the major issues during our relationship:

 

1. My relationship with my parents, their meddling in our relationship and them judging her for spending too much time out with her friends (they think she was cheating on me - trust me, she wasn't)

2. My instability, lack of job or "drive" in her opinion

3. Me consistently bringing up moving back to LA and displaying resentment towards being in Chicago

4. Her excessive drinking at times (she IS NOT an alcoholic, but does tend to overdo it occasionally, and ultimately creates bad situations)

5. Me not proposing to her during the time we were together

 

I think that covers the basics. Honestly, I'm not going to lie... a lot of this was my fault as you can see. Any negative behavior on her part was manifested by my previous actions and behavior. A lot of our fights/arguments stemmed from the various issues listed above, although we never really fought about not being engaged/married.

 

So, here is what happened and where I am currently. We were actually planning to move to LA. The plan was for me to go out there first, find a job, get a place and settle in... then she would follow. I made the arrangements, she even paid for my plane ticket. Well, about a month before I left... I woke up early on a Sunday and sat down at the computer while she was sleeping. I noticed her email was open. I never really pry and have always had complete trust in her. I was moving the cursor to close it out for her when I noticed... an email from her ex. Now this guy had only been an issue when we first met.

 

Early on, she wanted to meet him for lunch to tell him she met someone and that they would never be getting back together. She wanted closure, and for him to have closure. I found it to be a pointless idea, they broke up 2 years earlier (he's almost 20 years older than her, has 2 kids from his deceased wife and refused to have any with her). Their relationship ended badly, and that was her decision. This was the first thing we ever fought about. She eventually caved and agreed to cancel their lunch and never speak to him again. His name never came up until I saw that email on that... depressing Sunday. So basically, it was pointless banter. She emailed him about intially about something sports related, and then they began talking back and forth.

 

I was not super concerned... mildly miffed they were talking... but then I got to a very interesting part. He began talking about how he had broken up with his girlfriend recently. She replied and told him she was still living in the same area, and was happy and SINGLE. Um... what? I couldn't believe my eyes. I was crushed... destroyed really. She basically said I didn't exist. So... we had a fight when she woke up... which basically turned into "why did you look through my email?" She ended up saying she was conveying she isn't married... which I of course didn't buy. She had never betrayed my trust or done anything like this to my knowledge. She repeatedly apologized and told me she wouldn't speak to him again. I ended up just dropping it that day. Well, the next day I'm at work... and it just ate at me. Hour after hour...

 

I couldn't stop thinking about it. She wasn't going to be home that night because she was going to her Mother's for various reasons... returning the next day. Well, she called me and instantly knew I was upset. So I finally just point blank asked her... do you love me? I mean... really love me? She said, of course... why would you ask me that? I said, I really need to know. Then I said... be honest with me... are you really planning on going to California with me? She got quiet... and said... I honestly don't know. I'm sure you can fill in the pieces on the events after that. We "broke up." Her Mother told me she cried all night that night. I cried too. She returned home the next day and we sat down and talked. She cried a lot, and we agreed that we didn't really want to break up, but she admitted she just wasn't sure if she wanted to move there.

 

Honestly, it had been a huge issue throughout our relationship. I understood her perspective. We agreed I would go, and we would enjoy the rest of the time we had together. After that, we weren't sure what would happen. At one point during that final month (that month being June 2013), I actually said I should just stay. She said no, you have to go. So, I ended up going back to California on July 2nd. I took my dog, which she loves dearly. I moved about 95% of my stuff to my parents. Some stuff was still there, and I had two bags of clothes and various things with me on my trip. I'll never forget her getting on the elevator to go to work the day I left. We made love that morning, and kissed each other goodbye one last time... then the elevator just... closed.

 

I tried to focus, got the dog on her way, and took a cab to the airport. Next thing I know, I'm in California... ready to get back to ny career... and a... single guy? We talked throughout July... Daily. But we also agreed that we needed to take a break. We put it off more and more. During that time, I tried so hard to force myself back into the life I once had. I went out constantly, got a new job managing a studio and was actually doing stuff. But I honestly felt empty... and discontent. At the time, I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I missed her to death, and was really struggling. One night, I was working late and I was on my phone. I was trying to log into my email. When I went to the login page through the browser... her email popped up. She must have logged into it at some point on my phone, and it kept her logged in. Now I know what you're thinking... DON'T LOOK.

 

Yeah, I agree with you in hindsight. And I had actually promised her I wouldn't do that again. I caved though... I don't know why. Maybe I felt insecure. I looked. I should note, she had called me about 30 minutes before this to say goodnight. She told me she had been out with people from work having drinks. So back to her email. I'm sure you can guess where this is going. The EX. They made plans and actually... that's who she was out with that night. I honestly could not believe it. I felt so absolutely lied to and betrayed. I lost my ****. I didn't sleep at all that night. I bought cigarettes and chain smoked the night away pacing back and forth waiting for daylight. The minute I knew she was up... I sent her a text saying I don't think we should speak again. Yes, mild over reaction on my part, but damn I was hurt. She responded with fine, and a text message fight ensued that got out of hand. She ended up admitting that she did go out with him, but said it was just drinks and conversation... not a date.

 

And that we aren't together currently, and I have no say over what she does. In hindsight, she was correct on that one. It ended up calming down, and we talked that night. We agreed we would begin our "break" at the end of the week, but that we would gave a conversation about it first. That Sunday, we talked for 2.5 hours. She layed everything out about the relationship she was displeased with, and vice versa. She told me what she wanted amd that she does want to eventually get back together. It may be one of the most honest conversations we ever had with each other. She told me I need to do my thing out there and figure out what I want, that she didn't like the person she had become in the relationship and wanted to clear her head and get back to the person she normally is. She said that the only way we can ever move forward is to just take a break.

 

And she told me she loves me repeatedly. Some of the things she said hurt, but she was very polite and honest with me. It was truly a good conversation. So we got off the phone. She sent me a couple of text messages later that night adding a few side notes to the conversation, and then... the "BREAK" began. Well... ok, I lasted 2 whole days... it was horrible instantly. I lost every shred of manhood I had. I told her that Wednesday I needed a time out. She called me and I just broke down... I actually shed tears on the phone... I was sad, and the ultimate attraction killer... needy. I told her I loved her... I didn't want to do this... and I just wanted to go home. She was very sympathetic and we talked for a good hour plus. She calmed me down. Told me she was hesitant for me to just straight up come back because she didn't want it to just go back to the way it was. I understood that.

 

That night she texted me and told me "We will end up together." I responded and said "We will grow old together." The break resumed. There was occasional texting back and forth. Sometimes her, sometimes me. I sent this stupid email later that week apologizing for my wrongs in the relationship. She responded and told me it made her cry, and that she wanted to properly respond to this email, and would when she had time. She never did. A week later her birthday came around, and I read that no matter what, you still remember and celebrate a girl's birthday... even while on a break. So I actually went all out. I made two very in depth mix CD's and had them professionally printed with full cover art, etc.

 

I included a break down of why I picked each song, and how it related to us. It was about five pages. I sent her two dozen red roses with cookies, a stuff animal that looked exactly like our dog, a brand new digital camera with a huge accessory kit and... a bunch of other stuff. I spent about $500. She received the CD's first and texted me saying how wonderful they were, and how much she appreciated every word I wrote. Then she got EVERYTHING else on her birthday. She called me late that night, not drunk, Which she made a point to tell me. I could tell she had a couple of drinks for her birthday, but she was indeed not drunk. She loved everything and was so happy. She thanked me endlessly and told me she loved me. I was happy and sad at the same time. I told her I'll be home soon, and we even talked about how I need to get rid of the car I bought.

 

She even agreed to let me send the dog back to her. I didn't have a real option with that at that point. I had no actual residence for the dog, and the person watching her would not be able to past the end of the month. It was a great conversation, and I felt we were heading toward getting back together. Now, a couple of side notes at this point. One, I bought an engagement band. The one she always wanted. Her Mother actually let me borrow the money to get it because I found a great deal on the exact band. I still have to put a diamond in it, but that's a future dilemma. I saved over 2 grand, and have already paid her Mom back for it. So after buying it, I sent her Mom pictures of it. Her Mom has been like a coach for me through all of this. She's a really good woman, and has been there for me when no one else has.

 

She made the choice to show JC's best friend when they were at an event and no one was around. I found out about this, and an inevitable text conversation started the next day between me and this friend. This is my ex's friend, not her Mother's in case that was confusing. She complimented the ring, but told me I can't propose to her anytime soon. That she needed space and felt pressured, and I honestly should just leave her alone, get my own place in California and go about my life. Keep in mind, I never actually asked for her advice. In fact, SHE asked if she could give me her input. The weekend of this event when her friend saw the ring pictures, I sent JC an email. The longest, most well thought out email I've ever sent a person. I bared my heart and soul in that email. I told her everything I wanted to do, what I wanted in our future, the concessions I would make... and I also pleaded to end the break and move forward together, not separate.

 

That was a Saturday. Early that Monday she texted me saying she read the email, and that she would respond when she had time. This was the same day her friend said all of that stuff to me. I to this day have not gotten a response to that email. That same night though, we did talk on the phone. She called me. The circumstances mildly irrelevant. But we chatted for about a half hour. I got clingy and stupid. She got flaky about taking the dog. I backed off on that... and the phone call ended on good terms somehow. That was the last time I've heard her voice to this day. It will be four weeks this coming Monday. After the pleading of my sister, best friend and her Mother... I committed to giving her the space she wanted. I stopped communicating with her entirely. It was REALLY hard. At this point, there have been some text and emails, but always initiated by her. Her Mom and I discussed the dog and we agreed she would take her for now she there was no pressure.

 

When she told her, JC ended up taking the dog... Which she has in her possession as I type this. So you may be asking, are you in Chicago or California now? Well, a lot happened to me over the course of 60 days. Life changing events. I decided the dream I had been following for so long was no longer what I wanted. I ended that career. I also realized I was working for a psychotic drug addict on the verge of killing himself, participated in a drug intervention, helped shut down the business I was brought in to help save... had him go nuts, buy a gun and drive around LA looking to "take care of me"... I was mugged, got in a minor car accident, and dealt with the emotional weight of the decisions I was making and what I ultimately wanted to do with my life.

 

Her sister in-law helped me look in to getting a job at her company, and my job obviously no longer existed. So I tied up all my loose ends and concluded there was nothing I could do to fix this from California. So I moved back to Chicago 60 days after I got there. I'm staying with a friend... obviously not her since we technically aren't speaking. I returned on Labor Day. She knows I'm back through her Mother. Before I left, she emailed me and asked if I could send some wine, which she offered to reimburse me for, and I obliged but did not accept any money. I should also note that her Mother convinced me to send her flowers the day she received the dog (a week before I left) that were actually shaped to look exactly like our Pup. She emailed me thanking me for them, saying they are adorable.

 

She also apparently posted them on Facebook saying she has a secret admirerer. The day I was sending the dog, her Mother and her had lunch (just making sure I leave no details out). Her Mom called me very angry and asked if I called her friend (the one I mentioned earlier) asking her to help me get back together with JC? I of course did not call her (never even had a phone conversation with her) and never asked for her help. So her friend is making up random crap that didn't happen, and seemingly sabotaging me. Which really pisses me off. Anyway, I'm in Chicago. And we still aren't really talking. There have been some emails sent on her part. They are very formal, and don't reference "us." I can go mire in depth with these later if people feel the need to hear what they've said. Her Mother is convinced that she is warming up to getting back together with me.

 

She went through this anger phase a couple of weeks ago, and would get confrontational at the mention of me (I'm convinced that was her friend's doing). Also, her Mother did confront her about what her friend said and "cleared" my name. I'm sure that helps. So, I haven't seen her, she had the dog, she is starting ti slowly communicate via text and email... but I feel like I still have a long wait ahead of me before she even wants to talk on the phone or see me. I've read countless material on no contact, female psychology and tactics to regain control in situations like this. I've also followed all of the steps in fixing issues on my end. I know that is ultimately a life long process, but I can tell you... I even stood up to my parents and set real boundaries... to the point where they are mad right now and not talking to me. I've really been putting in the effort to get my **** together.

 

I've even lost 35 lbs and joined a gym this week to start toning and get into REALLY good shape. I'm also supposed to start this jon her sister in-law has been helping me get at the beginning of October.

 

Ok, I don't know if I could give more detail beyond this. I want advice, opinions, comments, whatever. I love this girl, and I want to spend my life with her. I know actions speak louder than words, and I'm truly trying to show that at this point. I want to respect her wishes and space... but I'm frustrated being 2.9 miles from her, my dog and our home. Everyday is a struggle even now. So yeah, I'm going to see what you people have to say. I know I've made some bad moves throughout this, but I also feel like I've been much better in the last month.

 

Even now, I feel like I've left out details. I will try to add stuff and answer questions as comments come in. I'm probably not going to look at this until the morning because I have to be up early. ALSO, forgive any typos. I typed this on a iphone and copied/pasted. I'm sure I made some typos.

Edited September 7, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Added paragraphs, please use them in the future

[melell]

Hey just wanted to say that you aren't getting responses because this is really really long and not broken up to paragraphs

[The Ex]

I don't see how I can edit it now. I hate deleting anything because I don't want advice without all the information know... if you read it... you know how conplicated the situation is. What do I do?

[Chatmonkey]

copy and paste it into a new thread and just quickly break it into paragraphs before you repost.

 

you won't have to rewrite a thing

[BigGirlPantiesOn]

Agreed. Make it shorter and with paragraphs and people will respond.

[The Ex]

Ok, I will do it now. Thank you

[The Ex]

Started a new thread called "A Chicago Break - NC NEED"