rumbleseat Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 A line I heard used once to describe the views of an ow towards the BS was that she was angry at the bs for being in her married man's life first. That intrigued me, and sounded quite accurate. Thoughts anyone?
whatatangledweb Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 I would guess some blame us because "we" are keeping them from their happiness which would be having him/her to themselves. I also believe a lot of it comes from the MM/MW telling them made up crap about us. It would appear that "we" are what is keeping the MM/MW from getting a divorce. The reality is they don't need our permission to get a divorce just as we had no choice with them having an affair. The MM/MW is the one stringing them along , not the spouses. 9
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Sounds like a touch of retroactive jealousy to me. 3
cocorico Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 A line I heard used once to describe the views of an ow towards the BS was that she was angry at the bs for being in her married man's life first. That intrigued me, and sounded quite accurate. Thoughts anyone? Of all the potential things for which I could have felt anger towards the xBS, that really didn't feature. I was angry with her for the way she treated other people, especially those she professed to love (her kids) and my beloved. I was angry with her for her continual hypocrisy, and having one set of standards and rules for everyone else, and another just for herself. I was angry with her for her continual demeaning and psychological abuse of her son, her then-H, her male line staff and other men over whom she held a position of power, in the guise of "feminism", when it was blatant misandry and giving feminism a bad name. I was angry with her for the damaging way she raised her kids with zero self-esteem, shallow materialist values and completely false understanding of how the world worked. I was angry wi her for her continual manipulation of anyone who cared even remotely for her, threatening suicide or self-harm whenever she wasn't getting attention, distracting her kids from important exams and generally screwing other people's lives up simply to get attention. I was angry with her for her narcissism that reduced everyone else to mere devices for her own use or entertainment. I was angry with her for abusing and bullying my H's frail elderly parents. I was angry with her for her nastiness toward anyone in a service capacity. I was angry with her for her spiteful arrogance toward people who were much, much more worthwhile human beings than she would ever amount to. I was angry with her for the pets she killed through negligence. I was angry with her for how poorly she treated terminally ill friends of ours. I was angry with her for the way she treated my beloved so badly over decades, and angry with him for excusing that behaviour of hers by virtue of her "damage". I was angry with her for wasting our time. 1
compulsivedancer Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 OM's long-term GF had an odd place in my mind. It was easier for me to not quite think of her as a person. It was easier when I thought about them not being happy (independently confirmed - OM insisted they WERE happy, even while cheating with me and lying about having permission). I didn't really get angry at her so much, but I'd get upset that she got to do things with him that I never could, and she didn't seem to appreciate it. But I would imagine for those who blame the BS: it's easier to hurt someone you dislike, and anger can be a nice fuel for justification. 1
janedoe67 Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Blaming is easier than looking in a mirror and knowing one is cheating. Cheating on or cheating with....it's all cheating. 7
compulsivedancer Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 OM's long-term GF had an odd place in my mind. It was easier for me to not quite think of her as a person. It was easier when I thought about them not being happy (independently confirmed - OM insisted they WERE happy, even while cheating with me and lying about having permission). I didn't really get angry at her so much, but I'd get upset that she got to do things with him that I never could, and she didn't seem to appreciate it. But I would imagine for those who blame the BS: it's easier to hurt someone you dislike, and anger can be a nice fuel for justification. I did blame both of them and sometimes STILL feel frustrated that they both choose to stay in a relationship that isn't working. I used to think they both deserved better. Now I think she deserves better and he doesn't deserve to have her when he pleases and neglect her the rest of the time.
Journee Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 (edited) From my reading here I have come to find that the descriptions of the betrayed are all pretty similar. I guess in an attempt to make us 'deserve' the A. Every human quality is stripped away aside from being mean or disinterested. We all absolutely hate sex and are all built like linebackers. We are not young enough or appreciative enough. We are not supportive or a good companion. We are all mentally unstable but we somehow manage to be great mom's or dad's. Odd combination of things. Also all of our spouses are narcissists.... and that's that. I guess it's easier to blame an unknowing ( in most cases) party like the BS for the MP's lack of spine. The BS can't be trusted with anything except the destiny of the AP's. If only we would make the agonizing decision to divorce or leave. Because it's our job to abandon our lives. As we do not desire or even deserve a loving partner. We just stick around to make a complete stranger ( in most cases) miserable by burying our heads. This is the impression I get from reading here. Generalizations and built on the foundation of a dishonest person. Oh, and another thing ...our spouses only lie to us and our children. I'm being sarcastic of course. I guess it takes all kinds and if degrading me and picking me apart makes sharing my husband's sex organ (and yes, OW was sharing. We had sex. *gasp* I was pregnant and all) easier then go right ahead. Obviously there isn't one good reason enough to stop. Even if it's sparing themselves their own heartache. None of this shyte makes sense. Edited September 7, 2013 by Journee 14
yellowmaverick Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Journee - I have been lurking for months, undecided about joining LS. Your posts have motivated me to join. My heart breaks for you because I can feel your pain - I live it. None of this makes sense. 4
Journee Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Journee - I have been lurking for months, undecided about joining LS. Your posts have motivated me to join. My heart breaks for you because I can feel your pain - I live it. None of this makes sense. I am very sorry you are hurting. You will find all kinds of good folks here. Post and read. Then post and read some more. It can be amazingly therapeutic. It can also be very painful. I figure as long as I am still feeling something I will be ok.... and you will be too. Welcome yellowmaverick 3
Journee Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Journee your post also moved me to comment and I've been refraining from that a lot. In fact so much that I almost never come here anymore, but in many cases I see what you are saying, and often the BS and the OW and the MM all become caricatures of real people. I don't know where or how or when that starts. I absolutely had to dehumanize his wife. Her name isn't actually Molly, but even in my real life that's how I've chosen to think of her. I call her Molly in my head even when we things come up and we have to discuss her. It's easier than remembering that she is actually "her real name" and that there were traits about her that he did and still very much loves. In my case, she legitimately has mental issues, it has lead to a complete and utter breakdown of her, their family and their marriage, but you know many women are just regular women. I think so many affairs stem from couples just thinking things are going to be "easy" once they are married.. on both sides, and really, how is that either sides fault. It's just human nature. The question was "Why do we blame the BS" and the answer is that sometimes... it is just easier. You also need to remember that sometimes its natural for the OW to be angry for the behavior that we may be being told is occurring, people get defensive and protective of those they love and care for no matter what the labels are. Sometimes those actions and behaviors are legitimately true no matter who you ask, sometimes the OW/OM believes they are true because that's what they are being told by the MM in their life, and why wouldn't they believe the person they love? (And yes, sometimes it's not true at all and is just what the OW/OM wants their MM/MW's life to be like so that they are wonderful in comparison) Sometimes it's simple jealousy. The truth is people feel lots of things and not always for good reasons. LFH, long time no see I understand having to back away from posting. I have been posting quite a bit lately as I am hurting. I guess we are all in different places. I guess the point of my previous post and several other posts I have made.. is that if the MP can be more than a liar and a cheater then why can't the BS be given the same pass to be human? Most times I would imagine everyone has the capacity to hurt the one they love. Maybe not in the same manner but hurt none the less. If my H had ran away with his OW she would have potential to hurt him , nag him, be short with him etc. Do the things that can often happen in a relationship that don't bring the warm and fuzzies. Would my H have cause to cheat on her as well because she does a. or b. ? We all have faults and traits that are unbecoming. These are still not reason enough to betray and lie and waste people's precious time. A lot of times I think about what you said about being upset that the BS may be mistreating the MP and that hurts the AP. The irony is incredible. Yet, I get it. 4
RavenWolf Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 From my reading here I have come to find that the descriptions of the betrayed are all pretty similar. I guess in an attempt to make us 'deserve' the A. Every human quality is stripped away aside from being mean or disinterested. We all absolutely hate sex and are all built like linebackers. We are not young enough or appreciative enough. We are not supportive or a good companion. We are all mentally unstable but we somehow manage to be great mom's or dad's. Odd combination of things. Also all of our spouses are narcissists.... and that's that. I guess it's easier to blame an unknowing ( in most cases) party like the BS for the MP's lack of spine. The BS can't be trusted with anything except the destiny of the AP's. If only we would make the agonizing decision to divorce or leave. Because it's our job to abandon our lives. As we do not desire or even deserve a loving partner. We just stick around to make a complete stranger ( in most cases) miserable by burying our heads. This is the impression I get from reading here. Generalizations and built on the foundation of a dishonest person. Oh, and another thing ...our spouses only lie to us and our children. I'm being sarcastic of course. I guess it takes all kinds and if degrading me and picking me apart makes sharing my husband's sex organ (and yes, OW was sharing. We had sex. *gasp* I was pregnant and all) easier then go right ahead. Obviously there isn't one good reason enough to stop. Even if it's sparing themselves their own heartache. None of this shyte makes sense. I was pregnant during one of my husband's affairs as well. It was even more painful to me that he would be willing to endanger our daughter's life by having sex with a stranger and then with me. It was nauseating and made me so dang angry.
bentleychic Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 I'm an OW and I don't understand that at all. Makes no sense to me. (I don't generally post on this board, but saw this post in new posts and feel like an OW might answer this better than a BS. Though I still can't really answer it other than saying it makes no sense. lol)
Journee Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 I was pregnant during one of my husband's affairs as well. It was even more painful to me that he would be willing to endanger our daughter's life by having sex with a stranger and then with me. It was nauseating and made me so dang angry. This is probably the biggest hurdle in my life other than my relationship with my biological mother. What kind of person does that ya know? It seems to be my deal breaker at the moment. I'm sorry that happened to you. If they can't protect us even as we carry their seed.... I'm not sure I can trust him with anything else.
Betterthanthis13 Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 Why does an AP blame a BS? These are some of my thoughts A BS is with a WS in the first place because they want to feel: Special, protected, understood, desired, loved, safe, appreciated... And the WS probably made them feel that way at some point- maybe during the A they are still making an effort to make BS feel this way.. However, In the AP's mind, the BS must be dehumanized, regardless of the BS's actual treatment of the WS, because... In th AP's mind....The BS has to be at least somewhat unfit, undeserving, doesn't appreciate what they have, and somehow, some way "earned" the betrayal... Otherwise how could the WS, the person that makes them, the AP, feel so: Special, protected, understood, desired, loved, safe, and appreciated- be the amazing person they have built them up to be in their head? The WS can't possibly be a confused, spineless, mixed up person. That's my general observation. I could be wrong. It's difficult not to be bitter lately about the humiliating position I am in, so I don't know if I'm just making wild statements. I'm doing my best to walk away from the whole mess and get my head back together. 1
Betterthanthis13 Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 LFH, long time no see I understand having to back away from posting. I have been posting quite a bit lately as I am hurting. I guess we are all in different places. I guess the point of my previous post and several other posts I have made.. is that if the MP can be more than a liar and a cheater then why can't the BS be given the same pass to be human? Most times I would imagine everyone has the capacity to hurt the one they love. Maybe not in the same manner but hurt none the less. If my H had ran away with his OW she would have potential to hurt him , nag him, be short with him etc. Do the things that can often happen in a relationship that don't bring the warm and fuzzies. Would my H have cause to cheat on her as well because she does a. or b. ? We all have faults and traits that are unbecoming. These are still not reason enough to betray and lie and waste people's precious time. . A lot of times I think about what you said about being upset that the BS may be mistreating the MP and that hurts the AP. The irony is incredible. Yet, I get it A. The bolded part of what you wrote here is haunting my brain
ladydesigner Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 Oh I will NEVER understand it. I did not blame my xOM's SO, as I did not know her plus she didn't deserve to be cheated on we were the *******s. My WH's MOW on the other hand, whoa now she was WAY outta line with me. She told me more about myself than I even knew . Some true some made up, but she sure enjoyed bashing me. I think she got some sick feeling out of it. I don't think I could ever be that way to someone whose world I had just destroyed, just sayin'.
MissBee Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 I think Journee and LFH have it right. I also think these reasons are why triangulated and secret relationships are so damaging, as so much of the truth is left up to speculation, assumptions and plain lies. And the fact that it's not just a one-to-one relationship automatically places a third party in the line of fire, BS or AP. Natural jealousies of sharing, knowing your SO has another person who isn't you brings out the ugly in most. While there is no "good" way to conduct an A, I do think some things add insult to injury. In my own case, one thing my exAP did right was to not tell me personal details about his SO and their relationship, thus eliminating a lot of the fuel needed for that competition/blame/hating of a woman I didn't know. It was a smart move on his part as it preserved my sanity and her dignity to an extent. The only things I could put together about her were that she was probably similar to me and what remained obvious was that he was having an affair because he chose to do so. Whatever faults and weaknesses she had (which we ALL have) weren't on the table for me to scrutinize and I'm happy it didn't happen, so the only person I could focus on and blame was him. But I do realize that even with few details some still imagine what the person is like and go ahead to demonize this figure they've made up. So it also probably comes down to the person and what pre-existing issues/mentality they have, which will determine if they are the type to do that or not.
cocorico Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 cocorico, all the things you described are reasons for not liking the BS regardless of any affair. I think the premise of this thread is blaming the BS simply because they are the BS. Yes, that was my point. Sometimes the reasons an OW dislikes the BW have nothing to do with the A, and everything to do with the BW as a person.
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