another bad day

[katty]

When will this insanity ever ease up off of me? I can't understand why I can't just get over Blaine. I really want to feel better believe it or not. I am so sick of feeling this way. I have had r/s end before but I can't ever remember feeling this sad for this long. I am at the point where I am willing to try anything just to get by. I even get more upset when I think about how Blaine just picked up with someone new and is moving on. Why the he-- can't I do that? What is freakin wrong with me? I try to keep myself busy but it doesn't help. I start driving down the road and the tears just start flowing all over again. I keep trying to remind myself that I am lucky that I don't live close to Blaine and that we have different friends etc. and never have to hear about or see each other but that in its self is also making me miserable. I would do almost anything to have the memories of Blaine removed from my head. I miss him, I can't help it. I just want to hear his voice or see him which I know will never happen. I still have so many unanswered questions and sometimes I feel as if that is the reason I can't find closure. In three days it will have been exactly one month since Blaine told me he was engaged. We have been broken up approximately 3 months now and I should be further along the road of recovery than I am. I don't know what to do anymore. I know I can't go on feeling like this. Why can't my head and heart realize that it is over. Why am I still living in the past. I feel so lost and alone. I have not only lost my b/f but I have lost my best friend. I keep remembering how he had promised me forever and then poof as if over night he has promised someone new forever. I know everyone on here is probably so sick of me whining and complaining but trust me when I say I am tired of feeling this way. I even agreed to let the doctor put me on anti-depressants several months ago but they are not even helping. I actually scare myself sometimes with the feelings of hopelessness and despair that I constantly feel. It's so unfair that Blaine can just pick up and move on and I can't.

 

I know that it is a mind over matter situation but my mind and heart seem to have a mind of their own. I guess I just needed to express my feelings here b/c I am so afraid that I am never going to get over this and sometimes I am not sure that I want to face another day feeling like this. I keep trying to remind myself that time will heal but I honestly haven't seen any improvement on my part. I have to keep giving myself pep talks just to get thru each day.

 

Please if someone knows a way to help me get him out of my head once and for all I would love to hear it. As I said earlier I am willing to try anything at this point.

 

I don't want to live without him. How pathetic is that? I also know I don't want to keep feeling this way. I know staying busy is the key but no matter how busy I make myself he is always on my mind. I just know that I can't go on living like this. It is a miserable state to be in and I am beginning to believe that there is no light at the end of my tunnel, just total darkness.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Kat

[Jilly10340]

I'm really sorry that you and your boyfriend broke up, I've been there before and felt all the things that you have before I don't know if this will help but I'll try. You have to tell yourself that you're better then this. If this guy can move on so easy then he's not worth your precious time and energy. I mean, it's been three months and he's already engaged to someone else? That's not stable. You deserve more then that. I don't know how long you went out with him but you've obviously given him time in your life and your heart. He's now violated that love that you've given him and he's walked all over it, so don't let him occupy even more time in your life and your heart after that kind of behavior. You can't let him beat you.

 

You deserve someone who is capable of returning your love as freely as you loved him, and he's not that person. You will find someone out there who loves you how you want to be loved. I know it hurts now and it seems like there's no hope but I promise that there will be someone new someday and then you'll feel silly for spending so much energy being sad over this ex boyfriend.

 

You just have to think that it's for the best. You have to tell yourself that you deserve more then what he gave you. It will get easier. I was in your same situation once. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and when I did sleep I had nightmares, I didn't want to get out of bed. But I'm fine now and you will be too.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Kat, I wish I could take away your pain. I've been where you were...I know exactly how you feel. My ex-husband got married two months after we divorced. All the questions go swirling around in your head and it's so hard to deal with feeling hurt by him, but also longing for those wonderful times again. It's torture...I know.

 

The end of my marriage was the first time I ever went on anti-depressants. The doc first put me on Wellbutrin, and it didn't help one bit, only gave me tremors. Then she switched me to Celexa, which was perfect. I felt better in less than a week. Please Kat, call your doctor and tell him/her that you need something different. You don't have to feel so bad. The meds won't take away your grief, but it will help you cope better. It may take away some of the obessive thought patterns which are keeping you stuck in sadness.

 

I know this probably won't help things too much, but try to take comfort in the fact that you didn't marry him, and you aren't this new woman....because if he could leave a great lady like you, then he'll probably do the same to her. I know your love for him won't die, but the longing for him will subside....with time (i know, time is a torture). Just remember that you are lovable and you deserve to be treated like the wonderful person you are.

[startingover1028]

I know exactly how you're feeling. I am going through something similar. It's sort of like a roller coaster ride... one minute you feel great and wonder what all the fuss was about and the next minute you're down and think you'll never want to see the light of day again.

 

This WILL pass. I promise. It feels as if you will never want to live your life without him. But you will.

 

Something that someone once told me really helped put it all in perspective for me.... think about this... If his feelings for you are that fragile, then he isn't someone that you want in your life, is he?

 

I wish you the best. Try to get some counseling. It has helped me tremendously. The people on this board are great, too. They are always there to listen and offer advice.... not always what we want to hear... but I have found it to be thoughtful and worthy.

 

I wish you peace.

[beejsea2]

Kat,

 

I know how you feel. A month ago today I came home from work and my ex was gone, packed and left a note saying we weren't good for one another. I have days like you...some days I don't even think about him and other days I can't breath because the thought of him takes over my entire being.

 

I'm in counseling and it helps but some nights all I do is cry because nothing makes sense.

 

But by coming here and reading the advice and encouragement of others has helped me so much.

 

Like my family and friends have told me I am better off without him and my head knows that but for some reason my heart is lagging behind. Stay strong!!

[katty]

Thank you both for such wonderful post. I can't express to you how much I appreciate the support and kind words. I will try and take the advice that both of you have posted. I know I don't want to keep feeling this way. As for the anti-depressants I never have felt as if they helped me any. My doctor actually prescribed them to me back in the winter of last year on account of I was attacked back in December by 2 men after coming from a meeting that I co-sponsor and co-chair. When this attack happened it brought back a past trauma ( I was raped by my ex-husband while we were seperated.) and for some reason all of those buried memories resurfaced and that is why my doctor felt I needed the anti-depressants. I just wish someone would invent a happy pill or better yet a clear that man out of your head pill. I am just so mad at myself for feeling so sad. I want to feel better and I am trying to feel better, it just seems as if it is taking its on sweet time.

Thanks again girls you both really helped.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Kat, as for the medications... are you taking SSRIs? Those drugs affect seratonin, which is the most common brain chemical responsible for mental well-being. However, I was just reading that there are two other chemicals that are often involved...one of them being dopamine...sometimes it's all three chemicals at once....and there are other classes of drugs that can help with those imbalances. Again, talk to your doc about what you change in your medication to make you feel better. I know that sleep deprivation will contribute to depression in a big way...maybe all you need is some ambien.

[DESI]

I also have a problem with antidepressants working on me. I have tried Prozac, and Lexapro, in a lot of ways they either made me feel worse or they didn't work at all. I talked to my doctor about it, and he said that those people that antidepressants do not work on might have Bipolar Type III disorder. I am not sure if anyone knows about Bipolar Type I or Bipolar Type II but I am a psychology major and those two types of Bipolar is in the DSM, which is the manual that psychologists use that has every single disorder anyone can ever have.

Bipolar Type III isnt even in the DSM yet, it has recently been discovered. Since my doctor thinks I have Bipolar III he has put me on another med, its more of a mood stablizer and it has helped me not dread over my ex so much. I have moments now where he isn't on my mind. So if antidepressants don't work for you and you have a history of bipolar in your family these are good indicators that maybe you have Bipolar Type III and need a mood stablizer instead.

[sandra parker]

Hi Katty, I am going to join the club and say that I too know how you feel. I keep reading, thinking, staying busy and sometimes I feel so hopeless. I have been on a anti depressant for over a year now and I still feel like ****. My guy and I were together for five years. He became a part of my life and so close to my kids. Not only am I miserable but so are they. I have been angry, sad, confused ( all at the same time) and I can't seem to want to shake the hope that we will get back together and be happy. We broke up several times in the past and have gotten back together. He is 44 and has never been married and I wanted more and would push and he would pull. I think that this time it's for good and it has been a little over three months now. I still miss him and have to see him all the time ( we live in the same small town.) The other times we broke up he never dated and this time he has, six weeks after the break. Needless to say this devastated me. He downplays it but I don't know what difference it would make if it were frivolous or serious. Anyway, I sure hope one of these days we can put this where it belongs; behind us. Take care, Sandra

[katty]

Thank you all so much. I know that you may feel as if you were not helping but all of you showing your concern and support and also admitting that you sometimes feel the same way helped me alot.. No I am not saying misery loves company and I definitely don't want anyone on here sad like myself but your kind words help me get thru the day. I just want you all to know that you helped me thru a really hard day today. I want you to know that it really did make a difference. Isn't it amazing how complete strangers that I actually know nothing about can be those that I can open up and be totally honest with about my pain without feeling guilty. Thanks Gals I owe you big time.