Is it considered 'normal' to go on date after date for months/years with no serious?

September 7, 2013

I'm just trying to figure out if this is just part of life or what. Because last night the harsh reality just hit me...and for a good 2 or 3 hours I spent last night in non-stop tears. I can't remember the last time I've cried for so long (I had a couple drinks, but I would have still had the same feelings without). You would have thought I just left a funeral. Luckily I had 2 or 3 good friends around.

I was telling my friends yesterday, I thought I was there with a particular guy. Turns out he totally lied in the mere 2 weeks I've known him, and he completely cut me off for no reason that he could give me. I don't talk about people being 'the one', but I thought I met a guy who finally had an interest in being serious, with me (yes, it's what you're thinking). I have not had a serious relationship in coming near 2 years.

I guess what I was so aggravated about, was not only did I feel like an idiot, I wasn't simply upset over that guy but in general...and at 26 years old and I'm getting 'played' like I'm 18. The other thing was, I can't even figure out what a person is supposed to do or say that will give me a sign that they want something serious anymore. I don't even know where to meet them. People can take you out to dates, treat you real nice, offer you to drive their Lexus, call back after date 1 and 2...all the things that would make you think it's going somewhere, and then after #3 or 4 it's over. No reason, no explanation...except for, they aren't looking for something serious maybe. But many times...they never say anything.

It's like, I'm going thru life and experiencing a lot of bull****, a lot of un-answered questions, and I don't want that. How is it possible to meet 10-15 some people, and not 1 can stay in the picture for atleast 3 months? Who at-least communicates regularly and remains in touch, even if it doesn't turn into something serious? I still blame a lot of this on where I live...because being a small minority in a city where you are not the majority...you get alot of people who won't take you seriously because their motives are based on fantasies and experiments and 'trying **** out'. I know if I move out of here, things will change...but, I need to find out if this is universal or not.

And then...what really kept me in tears, is the fact that the ones who just won't leave me alone, and are persistent to the core, I'm never into. I'm just like God, that's not fair. The only people who have some potential, are the ones I would never dream of getting with. This isn't right...give me people who are on my caliber, I deserve it. It's like, am I only into guys who are out of my league or what? This is crazy. It's always the straight guy, or the guy who is already involved, or the guy who only likes White men. And I'm not going to settle.

edit: had to reword some things to make better sense

Edited September 7, 2013 by SubliminalSessions

September 7, 2013

I think what's happening here is you are over-anxious for a serious relationship. It is completely understandable to want a man in your life, for companionship, sex, fun, cuddling and so on. But wanting to be serious and exclusive from day one takes all the fun away from going on "the ride".

I'm sure you know people who take things too seriously...they usually have a hard time having fun.

So it would be good for you to lighten up and not take things so seriously. Learn to enjoy yourself with dating. It's not even a big deal to be anxious and eager for a serious relationship... I think pretty much everyone goes through that. You might feel this way now, and then feel completely different about the subject in a few months or even a few weeks.

Hope this helps

September 7, 2013

I think what's happening here is you are over-anxious for a serious relationship. It is completely understandable to want a man in your life, for companionship, sex, fun, cuddling and so on. But wanting to be serious and exclusive from day one takes all the fun away from going on "the ride".

I'm sure you know people who take things too seriously...they usually have a hard time having fun.

So it would be good for you to lighten up and not take things so seriously. Learn to enjoy yourself with dating. It's not even a big deal to be anxious and eager for a serious relationship... I think pretty much everyone goes through that. You might feel this way now, and then feel completely different about the subject in a few months or even a few weeks.

Hope this helps

I understand where you're coming from...but I don't feel I'm overly anxious. It's just that I've been on enough dates, and met enough people to where I should by now have a boyfriend. Whats wrong with that?

I have fun dating. I like it. I don't see everyone as 'this is the one forever' on the first date. But come on, how much longer can someone go on not having something steady? Especially with all the games that go on, who wants to spend (waste) time on dating for too long at a time? Dating is fun for people who don't know what they want or haven't played the field still trying to figure themselves out. I know exactly what the **** I want at this point.

I can say, I'm glad that I didn't fall in and settle with certain people who I thought I'd want to be with. But it still doesn't make up for the fact that I'm without. God damn. No movie dates. No dinners. No Saturday evening dates, no one to even come to my place during the week or weekends to share **** with. Been in the same city over 2 years and can't even go out and introduce anyone as my BF.

September 7, 2013

And then...what really kept me in tears, is the fact that the ones who just won't leave me alone, and are persistent to the core, I'm never into. I'm just like God, that's not fair. The only people who have some potential, are the ones I would never dream of getting with. This isn't right...give me people who are on my caliber, I deserve it. It's like, am I only into guys who are out of my league or what? This is crazy. It's always the straight guy, or the guy who is already involved, or the guy who only likes White men. And I'm not going to settle.

edit: had to reword some things to make better sense

I see two possibilities.

1.) You are never into the men who are into you because you think there has to be something wrong with a man who is into you, and persistent. Your statement that the men who aren't into you may be out of your league says that to me.

If a man leaves you then "he's out of my league". If he stays then "somethings wrong with him". Assuming that in either case you went on dates with both the ones who leave and the ones who persist it's not that the persistent ones are all ugly. The problem could be your self esteem issues....since you don't like yourself, any man who really likes you must be undesirable.

Fear of Intimacy: A Relationship Roadblock - eHarmony Advice[

2.) You have the wrong idea of your league. Men will gladly have sex with and date women they would never ever ever consider a girlfriend or wife. If by your league you mean men who are willing to have sex with you, that's one thing. If by your league you mean men who are willing to take that long walk with you, that's something else.

Guess who is in your league for the long haul. That man who persist in chasing you.

You need to try a couple of things.

Consider getting professional help. A few therapy sessions could tell you weather a psychological issue is making you run from men who do wan you, and give yourself to men who don't.

September 7, 2013

I'm more wondering if times have changed. A lot of people don't commit anymore and just want to play? I feel like I'm having a similar problem.

I also wonder if a lot of people are looking for perfection these days.

Edited September 7, 2013 by GG3

September 7, 2013

Only if your meeting these people from either online dating or bars.

September 7, 2013

I see two possibilities.

The problem could be your self esteem issues....since you don't like yourself, any man who really likes you must be undesirable.

Fear of Intimacy: A Relationship Roadblock - eHarmony Advice[

Huh? What the **** are you talking about? I'm not scared of any intimacy and it's nothing to do with my self-esteem. What I was alluding to was that, I have a certain type I go for. But, it seems like 'types' I am into are often into another type. Not EVERY time, but enough to where I have a very limited amount of to work with, atleast where I live now...because there isn't much to offer.

An example is my responses to my dating app ads. My 'stats' shows that I only reply to 19% of the people who message me. That's a low number because I spend more time by-passing messages from guys I'm just not into versus talking to the ones I actually like. That's not a psychological issue. It's just what I have to work with, is not to my liking. I'm not going to settle for someone who I'm only lukewarm with, I'm not going to go for it. I've done it before...and now I understand I need to stop being desperate for ****, and date/hookup with the guys I'm actually into.

I have however, been able to get some better results with me picking the guys I want to talk to rather than waiting for them to hit me up. But again, you run into that thing where I may not be their type. But that's how it is for right now.

I'm not saying I'm never into anyone who approaches or comes to me. Or that them being persistent makes me not like them. I'm saying THE CHOICES I HAVE TO WORK WITH who often hit me up, aren't my type. Yeah, that can really **** up your self-esteem.

September 7, 2013

Only if your meeting these people from either online dating or bars.

What you don't understand is, if I were to take both of those out of the equation...there's a good chance I may not be able to hardly meet anyone. There's not really that many other options out there for doing so.

September 8, 2013

I understand where you're coming from...but I don't feel I'm overly anxious. It's just that I've been on enough dates, and met enough people to where I should by now have a boyfriend. Whats wrong with that?

I have fun dating. I like it. I don't see everyone as 'this is the one forever' on the first date. But come on, how much longer can someone go on not having something steady? Especially with all the games that go on, who wants to spend (waste) time on dating for too long at a time? Dating is fun for people who don't know what they want or haven't played the field still trying to figure themselves out. I know exactly what the **** I want at this point.

I can say, I'm glad that I didn't fall in and settle with certain people who I thought I'd want to be with. But it still doesn't make up for the fact that I'm without. God damn. No movie dates. No dinners. No Saturday evening dates, no one to even come to my place during the week or weekends to share **** with. Been in the same city over 2 years and can't even go out and introduce anyone as my BF.

I get what you're saying completely. As a woman I have been there too, and have a few friends who say the exact same thing you're saying. You are not alone. One of my friends just said the same thing the other day, and she's also 26. I've said it myself a few times.

Just keep doing you. Accept that you yearn for that loving man and loving relationship, keep your heart open to the possibilities, and just live your life. If you focus too much on NOT having what you want, you create a VOID that needs to be filled, and you could start becoming desperate, and in that desperation, you could end up dating men who are wrong for you. Also, men can sense when a woman is seeking a relationship. It's a certain vibe, and it tends to repel men.

That's why it's good to relax and accept that you are single right now. Keep living life and having fun and you will radiate a powerful aura that will attract men to you. Use this time alone to do things that interest you. Read books that can help your situation. I have a few I can recommend if you're interested.

September 8, 2013

Well that's very uplifting, and actually it makes sense. I def. do not want to create a 'void' and start giving off vibes, or even worse like you say...date someone who may not not be right for whatever reason.

I keep telling myself, even though this last guy didn't work out for me...it did help do 1 thing: It redefined the type of guy I ultimately would like to be with, it showed me that it is possible...and that the guys I've been meeting up with most recently, just aren't my type 100% and I'd be settling. So even if that's all I got from the situation, I'll take it for what it is.

September 8, 2013

Is it considered 'normal' to go on date after date for months/years with no serious [relationships resulting]?

At my age, one may find it to be more 'normal', as single people, generally divorced people, have a unique perspective based upon their life experiences. Many genuinely prefer casual social and sexual interactions without commitment or relationship responsibility. It's one choice of many.

At your age, more mixed IMO, hence your issues. You are looking for a serious relationship and evidently none of the social contacts made are panning out. The good news is that those social contacts provide valuable insight and information which forms another stepping stone along the path, provided you take them in and mold them together into each stone of understanding and clarity.

I would opine, if you otherwise have healthy and productive and loving relationships with friends and family, to keep 'doing what you do' and learning from it. 26 is quite young and, when that synergistic relationship dynamic hits you, all this stuff will be long forgotten, as will LS. Good luck.

September 8, 2013

Huh? What the **** are you talking about? I'm not scared of any intimacy and it's nothing to do with my self-esteem. What I was alluding to was that, I have a certain type I go for. But, it seems like 'types' I am into are often into another type. Not EVERY time, but enough to where I have a very limited amount of to work with, atleast where I live now...because there isn't much to offer.

An example is my responses to my dating app ads. My 'stats' shows that I only reply to 19% of the people who message me. That's a low number because I spend more time by-passing messages from guys I'm just not into versus talking to the ones I actually like. That's not a psychological issue. It's just what I have to work with, is not to my liking. I'm not going to settle for someone who I'm only lukewarm with, I'm not going to go for it. I've done it before...and now I understand I need to stop being desperate for ****, and date/hookup with the guys I'm actually into.

I have however, been able to get some better results with me picking the guys I want to talk to rather than waiting for them to hit me up. But again, you run into that thing where I may not be their type. But that's how it is for right now.

I'm not saying I'm never into anyone who approaches or comes to me. Or that them being persistent makes me not like them. I'm saying THE CHOICES I HAVE TO WORK WITH who often hit me up, aren't my type. Yeah, that can really **** up your self-esteem.

If you get to 30 and 35 and still are saying the same thing remember my advice. You, are the constant in all your relationships. At some point one has to take a hard look at their own choices and actions.

Ask yourself why are the men who are persistent never my type? Ask yourself why are the men who are only after sex then leave always my type?

Dont' respond right away just meditate on those questions.

September 8, 2013

I keep telling myself, even though this last guy didn't work out for me...it did help do 1 thing: It redefined the type of guy I ultimately would like to be with, it showed me that it is possible. So even if that's all I got from the situation, I'll take it for what it is.

Be glad it only took you two weeks to find that out. Now you will be more focused on the type of man you want and not willing to waste time with those who don't fit the bill.

In the meantime, ask yourself what you could do being single that you wouldn't be able to do once you have a boyfriend who will take up most of your free time. Then go do it now! It will make you a more interesting person and distract you from being desperate for a boyfriend, which men find off-putting. You want them to be drawn to you because you are so interesting.

September 9, 2013

OP, I totally feel you. But

"This isn't right...give me people who are on my caliber, I deserve it."

Isn't the healthiest kind of belief to be clinging to.. We're guaranteed nothing in life, and are owed nothing. You only get back what you give out.. And by default, nobody deserves jack ****. At least not in the eyes of our universal mother, unfortunately.

"It's like, am I only into guys who are out of my league or what? This is crazy. It's always the straight guy, or the guy who is already involved, or the guy who only likes White men. And I'm not going to settle."

I don't get what you're saying towards the end.. Don't you *want* the "straight" guy to hit on you? You want gay dudes? But then you say that guys who like white men are hitting on you? lol? Maybe you didn't type things out/rewrite things as carefully as you thought you did?

But.. You have to consider the pattern here, and try to see where things go wrong. Ask those around you what they personally think, the people whose opinions matter to you, whose insight you deem valuable. You obviously aren't aware if it's YOUR fault, or if it's something that can't be helped. We obviously can't accurately guess, with nothing but typed word to go by.

September 9, 2013

I don't get what you're saying towards the end.. Don't you *want* the "straight" guy to hit on you? You want gay dudes? But then you say that guys who like white men are hitting on you? lol? Maybe you didn't type things out/rewrite things as carefully as you thought you did?

OP is a gay man.

OP - deep breath. Take a break. Yes, it's normal. It takes longer for some people than for others. I've been at this for a year and a half (after being single for 5 years following a divorce)... nothing has lasted longer than two months. I got really frustrated earlier this year and took a break from "trying" for a while. It helped me a lot. The other thing that is useful for me is trying to learn something about myself from each person I date - whether it's one date or 10, it helps me figure out what I'm looking for, what I could have done differently, better ways to recognize and handle new situations, how to identify (and not ignore!) red flags, etc.

People recognize desperation and it's not attractive. Just keep in mind that you are looking for someone, not anyone.

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Is it considered 'normal' to go on date after date for months/years with no serious?

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