Author sylviaguardian Posted December 8, 2004 Author Posted December 8, 2004 Thanks WWIU, I really need a hug today, even if it's a cyber hug. You know, that's a good idea. Sometimes I am not even really sure myself which specific things have made me so angry. I will try that. He does still see this woman - every day at work. That is hard because sometimes a feel like she's had a really good laugh at my expense. Thanks again, Sylvia
Owl Posted December 8, 2004 Posted December 8, 2004 Sorry I've not been able to post today...laptop crashed, and spent the day without any computer...rough!! LOL Anyway, I'm sorry that counseling was so hard on you Sylvia. Something I may have unintentionally caused you to misconstrue...our counseling has helped a lot, and I consider it critical for anyone trying to recover after an affair...but I didn't mean to imply that it would be easy. My wife has cried quite a bit during and after our sessions ( I have too, but being a man I won't admit that! ). It's HARD to work through all of the feelings, the pain, and everything attached to what happened. But it HAS to be worked through, or else it will just sit there and fester. Think of it like cleaning a deep wound...it hurts a LOT, but if you don't, the patient will die. Better the pain now than the death of your love later. Realize this...we never REALLY completely know the people we've married. There are ALWAYS parts that we each hide from the other...they hurt us too much to talk about, or we're worried our partner can't understand, etc... My wife never realized that I love certain foods...I never asked for them. You're husband has admitted to something that he would have never told you before...that doesn't mean its the end of your marriage. It doesn't mean that he can't change...it does mean that he's willing to admit to it now in the hopes of repairing your relationship, and that he's got some work to do if he wants to keep you in his life. On the "my partner doesn't love me as much as I love her"...that's not absolutely the case. What IS possible is that your partner doesn't communicate that love the same way you do...something my wife and I have learned that we seriously have/had a problem with in our marriage. Talk to the counselor about this...and take a look at this book "The Five Love Languages: Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman". We've just started going through it ourselves...and I think its going to help. Good luck all...I guess I'm back a bit more on the upswing. Still hurting, but still moving forward.
veronese Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Seeing our partners in a clearer light is so unpleasant isn't it? Just like you Sylvia, I've realised my husband never did really have the same take on marriage as I do. I think though that I have played quite a big part in this illusion of relationship. As positive as i was feeling last week, today I'm experiencing another dreadful day - once again I'm dangerously close to separating - once again I have a feeling I'm acting like a fool to be so calm and reasonable about things. In a nutshell guys: I tracked H's movements yesterday (a once a month occurrence) and there was a lot of activity in his movements. His job can take him from place to place all day so nothing unusual there, but the pattern was slightly suspect as it kept returning to a location near one of his offices where there is an abundance of willing and able girls. But I wasn't unduly worried until.... I called him on his cell phone but it was switched off. He used to turn it off before when he was meeting his 'friends'. When he finally called he said his phone battery had died so he hadn't been able to charge it until he returned to his car to come home. He also said he'd been in one place, all day, since 10.30a.m. Not what the records were telling me! I'll get to the point - he's denying it flat. The locating company said their records are 100% reliable. Up until tonight he thought the track was on his phone, but it's actually on a second phone I'd hidden in his car. When he spoke to the company tonight he asked how they tracked him when his phone was off they said they couldn't so I had to confess to planting another one. He's sticking to his story, was quite stroppy and annoyed about it yesterday, in fact, he was positively hostile towards me, ranting on about how it wasn't possible and to show him the damned evidence. Tonight he's still behaving as if this is just a terrible terrible mistake which he can't believe has happened. He's asked me what I want to do. He asked me what I believed. We only had 15 minutes together before I left for work so nothing's very clear. I know he's lying - much as I am DESPERATELY hoping some logical explanation will come to light to prove he's being truthful. If he is lying but continues to stick to his story, it leaves us both aware that even with such strong evidence against him, he still manages to put doubt in mind as to the validity. So that's my day, a real bummer! I'm strangely calm though, almost dazed. I had such little sleep last night I think I'm on automatic pilot. You know aside conflicting versions of his days events, the thing that really got to me was his attitude. All he did was focus on himself. All he could think about was the position he was in, being truthful but being portrayed as a total liar. Poor poor him. He was argumentative initially too which I couldn't believe. I eventually pointed out that he'd better calm down and stop playing the victim when he seemed to forget how I must be feeling. Sylvia, the problem is we are married to men we wouldn't have necessarily chosen had we known them better. I can't understand how my H has spent 17 years giving me in essence, the wrong impression of who he really is. Hope you're ok today after the counselling yesterday. V xx PS. Thought of another piece of advice - try not to spend too much time in here (LS). It's a life line at times but it can distract you so much you end up neglecting other things including your rappor with your H. If it's inconvenient to log on then take it as a sign that you should leave it for the day. We'll all still be here and understand that it's not always possible to reply very promptly
lovetolearn Posted December 9, 2004 Posted December 9, 2004 Thanks for that comment Owl, You may be right about how much she loves me. Sometimes I get down on myself too much and think the worst. I always analyze my situation to death and look for definitive proof before believing something. Just the fact that she is very upset that she hurt our relationship and is willing to try to work things out should show me how much she cares about me. She always confuses me though because she doesn't understand ( or wont admit ) her inner most feelings. She doesn't understand why she feels the way she does so I always have to guess about her motivation for doing what she does and how she really feels. One minute she says she is devastated to think that our relationship could end and couldn't imagine living without me and the next she feels she is changing and growing and needs space outside our marriage. ( she doesn't necessarily mean another EA) I have desperately tried to get her to be honest with me without worrying about hurting my feelings but she always seems to say what she thinks I want to hear. In many of these cases The truth eventually comes out but her lies of compassion make it difficult to sort truth from fiction. It's hard to figure out if she had an EA because she doesn't love/need me like she used to or because there is something else driving her emotions.. She is very afraid that she is bipolar like her father, always searching for something to keep her happy but not knowing what or who can give it to her. She admits that she needs therapy and hopefully it will help both of us.
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