Really need some help from you guys

[sylviaguardian]

Hi,

 

I am new to this forum but have been reading your posts with interest. I am really in need of some help and advice from people who are further down this road than me. Amout 4 months ago I found out that my husband was in constant phone contact with a woman from work. I went mad but he swore to me that it was only a supportive, jokey work relationship. Every few weeks since then I found out something new. I looked at his phone bill and was horrified to see that he had been texting and phoning her from first thing in the morning to last thing at night. Then I found e-mails that were too close for my liking. I felt like I was starting to lose my mind.

 

Eventually, we had gone on a short family break and it had reached the point where I was suicidal. When we got home he said he would tell me everything and admitted that it had been going on for about a year, and that he had taken her out in the car sometimes and that they had kissed. He still denies that it was anything lustful and maintains that it was a very close friendship that had overstepped the mark a bit.

 

At this point, they still work in the same place but he has stopped all phone and e-mail contact and showed me the e-mail he sent and her response. I have met her and she too, said it was 'innocent'. Some days I can cope and think that I might have even got things out of perspective. After all, it's not like they slept together.

 

Yet I can't seem to move on. I feel like I don't even know my husband anymore (I trusted him 100%). I feel a fool for not picking up on things sooner, although I noticed that he was quite distant. I am totally distraught and don't know what to do anymore. I love him and still want us to be a family but I am eaten up inside. I keep thinking what if there is more to it and also I don't know how we can ever build a future together. I don't think I will ever trust him again and the other thing that gets me is I don't see how someone could say they were happy with their marriage and still have an affair.

 

I feel like I am just waiting for the knife to fall. Maybe not now, not in six months, but in a year or two years. In a way, I am creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Please help. I have lost so much weight, my hair is falling out, I shake all the time. I just need some advice.

 

Sylvia

[Devildog]

My advice would be couselling.

 

Most times when these situations occur there is usually problems in the marriage. The spouse that has the affair, physical or emotional, doesn't feel that they are appreciated or desired by their significant other. And they find that appreciation and desire somewhere else.

 

Not to say this is all your fault. Unless there is significant psychological problems both parties are to blame. Most couples don't handle adversity or problems in a constructive manner. When one person feels attacked or under appreciated, they begin to withdraw and then the other person feels underappreciated and withdraws as well. This cycle keeps feeding itself until sooner or later one or the other finds someone else to meet the needs they are not getting at home.

 

Counselling will help you to understand each other better and a more constructive way to deal with the problems. It will also help you to get a better grasp on the trust issues and find ways for you to rebuild the trust. Even if your husband refuses counselling I suggest you go anyway. It will help you cope with your feelings, especially if you have been suicidal and depressed.

[bluechocolate]

I agree that you should seek some counselling - at the very least to help you get beyond this despair & hopelessness you're feeling.

 

He still denies that it was anything lustful and maintains that it was a very close friendship that had over-stepped the mark a bit.

 

I have met her and she too, said it was 'innocent'.

 

Just because they didn't consummate their affair does NOT mean it was innocent. Texting & emailing all day, kissing in the car - even the closest of friends do not behave in this way. Counselling may help your husband to understand this as well - which he needs to do in order to prevent this from happening again.

 

from Devildog

Most times when these situations occur there are usually problems in the marriage.

 

Agreed - just having him stop this relationship won't get to the bottom of why he went there in the first place.

 

Check out <removed> - they have a lot of useful stuff to read about infidelity, emotional & physical, & rebuilding trust in a marriage - have your husband read it too.

 

Good luck to you, I hope you feel better soon.

[startingover1028]

As somone who has been the "other woman" I would tell you that even though his marriage to you may have been what kept him from "going all the way", there was nothing innocent about it. Anyone who spends that amount of time communicating with someone besides his wife, and who is keeping it a secret, has something to hide. I would be on a constant vigil to keep the two of them apart because it could easily start up again. E-mail accounts are easily set up with any number of providers and just as easily hidden.

 

I guess my point is, if he wants to continue this, he will find a way. If he is honest in his desire to stop, then he will stop. He will need to understand that you have now lost trust in him, which may take a long time to recover.

 

I would try to find out, from him, what he thinks is lacking in the marriage that caused him to do this in the first place. Start working on that.

 

If you both want to save your marriage, I agree with everyone else... that counseling is the way to go. Preferrably, couples counseling - where you go together.

 

 

Good luck.

[2KindKay]

Originally posted by sylviaguardian

 

I went mad but he swore to me that it was only a supportive, jokey work relationship.

Sylvia

 

 

I agree that counseling sounds like your best bet, Your hubby should have been looking to you for this supportive, jokey relationship. I do think besides the counseling, if your still suicidal, you should talk to your doctor about being put on an anti-depressant, your husband having an affair, no matter how heartbreaking that may be.... is not worth hurting yourself.

 

Good luck!

[StillHurtin]

I am so sorry you are going through all this. I know the pain. It hurts so much. I agree, you need to start counseling. I also advice that maybe an anti-depressant. When my H had his A (w/ a co-worker also) I went through what you are going through. I made an appt. w/ my family physician and told him what was going on. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and I needed help so he perscribed me an anti-depressant. It worked wonders! I'm not saying I didn't cry once in awhile but I wasn't a mess like I was b4. It helps you cope a little more.

 

I agree that you both need to seek counseling, seperate and joint. I know how hard it is. It's the worst pain in the world. I would never wish this pain on anyone (well, besides the OW that is).

[Owl]

Not that I'm going to add anything that you haven't already heard, but...

 

I'd like to put in my 2 cents worth anyway! What your husband had was an emotional affair. They are every bit as real, and as devastating, as if they had "gone all the way". Don't feel like you're the least bit odd or unusual for feeling the way you do about what happened. My wife had an emotional affair about six months ago, and I'm still obssessed with it, and worried about it happening again. The damage that something like this does to your marriage and to you personally as the "betrayed spouse" is every bit as real and horrible as if this had been a physical relationship as well. You are NOT overreacting!!!!

 

Get counselling...for yourself and for your husband. Like everyone else said, find out what was missing in your relationship with each other, and work to get it fixed. That's what I'm doing now, and it is helping a lot. Good luck to you!!

[ThumbingMyWay]

For a starting point.....

 

go here:

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

 

 

On the left hand of the screen, there is a list of different topics. Read all of them, but start with this one:

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html

 

 

and if you can get your H to join....have him read them too. There is a reason you H had to go outside the marrige for this kind of attention. Something is missing.....you both need to find it and get it back....and never let it go again.

 

 

YOU need help in closure of this. And its obvious you need some direction. If this site doesn't help you, then you must seek counseling....it helps.

 

stay strong....you are not alone. Keep us posted, we will help you.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by sylviaguardian ....

Yet I can't seem to move on. I feel like I don't even know my husband anymore (I trusted him 100%). I feel a fool for not picking up on things sooner, although I noticed that he was quite distant. I am totally distraught and don't know what to do anymore. I love him and still want us to be a family but I am eaten up inside. I keep thinking what if there is more to it and also I don't know how we can ever build a future together. I don't think I will ever trust him again and the other thing that gets me is I don't see how someone could say they were happy with their marriage and still have an affair.

 

I've been there and dont that. And I had a positive outcome in my relationship. You can too. But you've got to be strong, be calm, have faith, and get some help.

 

If you haven't done so already, call and get an appointment with your primary care doctor, and have a depression screening. That's important, because clinical depression can color you outlook on all aspects of life. You won't be able to do the positive relationship work that needs to be done unless you're healthy.

 

Then, call the customer service number on the back of your medical insurance card and find out what your benefits are for counseling services. They can also give you a list of preferred providers in your area.

 

[sylviaguardian]

Thanks to all of you who have replied - you have been so supportive. I was a bit afraid to post here because I didn't know what to expect. I think you have said what I already know - that I need to seek counselling. I am a bit afraid of that too! Not looking forward to what I might hear...

 

I will keep you all posted on what happens. Thanks for listening - it means a lot.

Sylvia

[quankanne]

ah honey, my heart goes out to you. I've not had that experience, but I'm pretty sure I'd go ballistic ... or go through a period of depression.

 

counselling -- individual and joint -- is a good way to garner the tools you need to work on your marriage and to make it stronger. My guess is that maybe your spouse "felt" something was lacking but didn't know how to communicate his need, so he indulged in this emotional affair. A good counsellor will help each of you find the root of the problem while teaching you tools to build your marriage. I don't have any personal knowlege of MarriageBuilders, but it's a name I've heard recommended a lot on this site. I also know that the Catholic Church offers something called Marriage Encounter weekends, which I've done with my husband.

 

ME is an intense weekend-long retreat during which you and your husband are pretty much learn how to effectively communicate with each other. there's no good or bad or right or wrong, but believe me, you feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel because you're on the same page. The Church also offers a similar retreat program called "Retrouvaille" for marriages in trouble. While most of the participants are Catholic, they do set aside spots for non-Catholic couples. I think both have a $35 fee that covers hotel and meals, but a "love donation" is taken to help off-set costs. For more information, google up "World Wide Marriage Encounter" -- they should be able to hook you up to a local team to answer your questions.

 

you'll be in our thoughts, and we're pulling for you while you sort this out.

[veronese]

Hi Sylvia,

 

Hope you're OK. Reading your post I could relate to your pain and shock... I'm sorry this has happened to you, the next few weeks and months will probably be a struggle but although right now your confusion and despair are so overwhelming and all consuming you can't make sense of your life, this rollercoaster nightmare will eventually calm down.

 

I've been through something very similar, but months of the torment and despair of feeling betrayed so unexpectedly has been the most difficult, unpleasant, heartbreaking time in my life. Accepting and absorbing the situation I found myself in was so upsetting, knowing the clock could never be turned back so I could change the course events made me have to face up to the facts, distressing as they were.

 

I've posted threads here since July (I found out about my husband's secrets on Easter Sunday), so if you have the time take a look at the thread. It began with the thread: -

 

"I want to survive the nightmare of my husband's emotional affairs, do you think I can?"

 

I read over my posts for the first time again last night. Reading them was really interesting because I suddenly recognised things about myself that I'd never acknowledged previously. It was truly quite a revelation and filled me with enthusiasm and excitement. Finally the penny dropped and I could see things in a clear light. We have both been responsible for problems that have always been there in our marriage, but I think we got into a cycle, we had our roles, we created something that neither of us enjoyed, neither of us wanted, neither of us identified, and neither of us were able to change. We both behaved negatively about trust and security which triggered and established each other's responses and actions. 17 years and I've only just seen how bloody stupid things have been and how unnecessary it was. I could see all the things he did which amplified my discomfort instead of alleviating it, but didn't see how my reactions were equally destructive.

 

I hope that we can break the habit and not only change our roles and behaviour, but also change how we see each other. Whether we can let go of the labels and roles we've adopted remains to be seen - I hope we will.

 

It all takes time and it's a hard journey, but just hang on in there and take it day by day. Even if you are too upset to heed advice we will give you, keep reading any message of support, because when you are feeling a little stronger you may be able to take some of it on board. I know I was so low each day was a struggle, but when I felt able to, the advice I was given was really useful.

 

Keep your chin up,

 

Veronese

[sylviaguardian]

thanks Veronese,

 

Just coming to this site and seeing that the same things have happened to other people and that their marriage survived makes me feel better. I can totally relate to some of the things you are saying. I absolutely detested the OW with every bone in my body and it made me fee totally inadequate. I met her though, and although is very attractive I can see that she is not really my husband's type. That got me thinking a bit. I realised that she wasn't the problem per se and that something must have been wrong with the relationship for my H to get so much out of this emotional affair.

 

We had a very productive chat on Friday using the emotional needs q'aire from Marriage builders and we realised that we were unhappy about different things. I think ultimately we will see a counsellor. It has been a step forward for me to realise that we have too much to lose. Previously I was thinking that maybe I didn't want to be married to someone who I couldn't trust. I suppose that I have realised that there was the potential for me to do something similar had it come up at the right time.

 

It's hard though. I feel like my life is just not the same anymore. I haven't felt really happy for months and I can't see it happening too soon in the future. It's just wearing to get up every morning and find the day a struggle.

 

I will definitley read your posts - I am very interested to learn how other people have coped and you sound like you're pretty far on now. Did you go to counselling?

 

Sylvia

[sylviaguardian]

Veronese,

 

Wow! I just read your posts and I couldn't believe how similar they sound to how I am now! It's absolutely amazing that when put in the same position people all do the same things! My H did all the things your's did (only admitting to things when I had evidence). I also found out the same way - a text message and his reactions just made me think that something was not right! It is so good to hear from people who actually understand what I am ging through. My friends have been great but sometimes their reaction has not been too helpful to me (like calling my H a bastard or completely siding with me). I think some people think that I've overreacted too, as didn't have a sexual relationship with the OW (or at least that's what I believe). I am so interested to hear how you have managed to be so positive about your relationship again. E-mail me anytime you feel like it.

 

Sylvia

[veronese]

Originally posted by sylviaguardian

Veronese,

 

Wow! I just read your posts and I couldn't believe how similar they sound to how I am now! It's absolutely amazing that when put in the same position people all do the same things! My H did all the things your's did (only admitting to things when I had evidence). I also found out the same way - a text message and his reactions just made me think that something was not right! It is so good to hear from people who actually understand what I am ging through. My friends have been great but sometimes their reaction has not been too helpful to me (like calling my H a bastard or completely siding with me). I think some people think that I've overreacted too, as didn't have a sexual relationship with the OW (or at least that's what I believe). I am so interested to hear how you have managed to be so positive about your relationship again. E-mail me anytime you feel like it.

 

Sylvia

 

Sylvia,

 

This site has been so helpful, so many others are going through similar troubles.

 

I smiled when you asked how I have managed to be so positive about my relationship...even as recently as last week I was contemplating throwing the towel in purely from being worn out giving so much energy to it. A few hours later though I had my 'revelation' and was full of enthusiasm, optimism and confidence that slowly but surely we'll resolve our problems, that I will forgive him completely and this episode in our marriage will be just another phase we went through on our journey together.

 

Honestly Sylvia, I've been a complete basket case and have been seriously concerned about my sanity. The shock and trauma of the discovery takes quite a while to get over, my mind was a whirl of confusion. I have tried to get through the days as best I can, making the most of the good ones and enduring the bad. At times I've worried that I might have been getting just a little too absorbed and obsessed with the subject but always came back to the fact that I wanted to do everything I could do save our relationship, even if my lunacy was disconcerting at times!

 

My H hasn't given anywhere near the same amount of energy, but then he didn't have all those questions in his head did he? He knew the whole story so that must have saved him a lot of time (lol). He has been impatient at times and hasn't said or done exactly the right things, for the most part he has been bloody marvelous dealing with the fallout. It can't have been pleasant for him but his strength has revealed another side to his character, another rather special quality I've been delighted to see.

 

He's pissed me off, yes. His weaknesses and failings, his lies and betrayal, his arrogance and selfishness made me doubt he was worth another minute of my time. The pain I have been in was so severe I frequently felt like a fool to even bother trying to forgive. I have been taken aback by my reaction to it all - before Easter Sunday if you'd asked me what I would do in a situation like this, I would said that we would never get over it and that we would break up immediately. I have worried that I'm being a typical, stupid wife bothering to try after what he has done, but even if ultimately it is proven to be so, I can live the humiliation of being duped again - 17 years of pretty damned good is worth a bit of effort.

 

More importantly my children's welfare is my priority, I try to consider what is in their best interests when I consider my options. Back in September I went into meltdown being racked with suspicions. The fact that every day when he leaves this house he could be doing what the hell he liked and lying to my face about it was overwhelming me. It was torture Sylvia, I couldn't cope without the trust I'd had all those years. I felt so low and despondent I couldn't see how divorce could be avoided.

 

But then..... a cloud lifted and some calm returned to my muddled mind, and I felt able to keep going, one day at a time. I've tried to give myself breaks from thinking about it all, but accept that despite acting like a barmy lady, to achieve our goal of a happy, fulfilling (HONEST!!) relationship all this crap has to be ploughed through whether we like it or not.

 

In the last month or two the women involved have begun to fade into the background more. Every step of the way I have tried to deal with each issue in enough depth to be able to leave it behind. There have always been a line of other issues waiting their turn but we've dealt with them as we've gone along. To bury sensitive or particularly distressing subjects seemed a dangerous way to progress, if this is going to work it's going to have to be good!

 

So after 8 months we're beginning to deal with problems we've got in our relationship that have always been there but never identified or acknowledged. The women, his lies, my pain no longer are the focus for us, we're moving on to tackling the root of our problems in the hope our life together will be truly rewarding.

 

I love him more now I think than before, strange isn't it? I certainly know him a lot better - warts and all! I'm happier with him because of the changes we've made. It's a time of reassessment which makes you face certain aspects about you both you're really rather not have to recognise, I haven't been altogether comfortable having spent time reflecting and admitted to myself that the marriage I had wasn't as great as I'd always believed.

 

Sorry Sylvia, I do ramble. But one last thing, I've understood how low my self esteem actually was (I honestly had no idea!), how my self-respect had decreased and confidence dwindled. Jude was not such a fantastic partner after all, yet I'd never really seen it. He took me for granted in a very subtle way and my need for him became greater than his for me. We weren't equal partners and there was an imbalance in power (he had it!). I can see that my love for him exceeded my love for myself thus resulting quite logically in us both thinking he was golden bollocks and that I wasn't!

 

I've put myself in his shoes and seen how I looked to him - his precious wife maybe, but someone without much self-worth. I wouldn't have wanted to be married to someone quite so predictably adoring. Despite being regarded as a strong woman, in truth I wasn't. I work predominantly with men and have unpredictable, unsociable and very long hours at times so when Jude has always trusted me implicitly I thought him even more wonderful - having dated a couple of nutty possessive guys before Jude I know I couldn't bear to be with an insecure, jealous guy. His trust however came from the inner knowledge that I would never be tempted away from him because he was all I ever wanted.

 

Bottom line is Sylvia, as much as I do love him and want us to be together I won't compromise myself anymore. He knows my love is deep and we continue to make each other secure in that love, but equally he knows that I do have more self respect now and intend to keep working on who I am too. It's not all about me meeting his needs, he now does the same for me too. The balance is more equal, mutual respect is developing.

 

But who knows hey? I'll probably dump his sorry arse tomorrow! It's always a possibility... only joking sylvia, but the one thing I know now is I don't know what the future holds for us, time will tell...

 

Let me know how you're doing this week. I hope you're coping ok.

 

Big hug

 

Veronese

 

PS Didn't get round to counselling but still have an open mind to it

[veronese]

Sorry you had a bad night - I know just how you feel.

 

Do your best to get through the day, it's going to take time. Whatever happens though Sylvia, things will be better.

 

Have been working all night without sleep so need to lay down for a while.

 

I wish I could say something that would help but I'm afraid feeling like a piece of doggy doo seems a necessary requirement when your partner dumps on you. I've been drowing in the **** for ages now!

 

Write today off hun, it's going to be one of those days.

 

Will be thinking of you

[sylviaguardian]

Thank you so much for your post Veronese. I am going to print it out and keep it for later. So much of what you said rings true. I have got to points where I felt like I was going mad too.

 

I'm so fed up with things now. I feel like I've lost 6 months of life and today is one of those days when I am questioning why I'm bothering. I can so relate to what you are saying - that it is easier for them because they know what went on. One of the things that irks me the most is my husband's refusal to see it for what it was. He keeps on trotting out phrases like 'it was a supportive work relationship, ok the texting and everything was too much but apart from that it wasn't so bad' or 'ok there was a level of attraction, but it was only a small part' or 'I was trying to phase it out' or '90% of the texts were totally mundane'. Come on! It takes a helluva lot of effort to text someone 15-20 times a day (incl. weekends and family holidays) as well as phone calls on the way to and from work. He seems to think that the volume of contact was the problem instead of seeing that they were just a symptom of the problem. It seems like we're at a stalemate at the moment. We have an appointment booked to see a counsellor next week so we'll see how it goes.

 

My husband has admitted that he's arrogant (ironically, one of the reasons why I fell for him) and he is selfish, but so am I, just in different ways. The problem at the moment is that I've lost respect for him now I realise how sneaky he is.

 

On a positive note, what you said about building self-esteem etc really struck a chord with me. It relates back our discussion last night which made me realise that we have completley different views of relationships. He believes that you can have other 'close' friendships without affecting your main relationship, wheareas I want a relationship where my husband is my best friend also.

 

I have always been very careful about having friendships with other men and discouraging men who I think might be flirting with me. Now, I am beginning to wonder if I should just accept the attention and enjoy it. I will really think about what you said though. Like you, people think I am a really confident strong woman, The truth is that I probably have really low self-esteem which goes further back to my childhood and to a previous relationship with someone who had a very subtle way of making me feel inadequate. I am going to try to work on my own confidence and not see this as a fault in myself.

 

Thank you so much again. It's wonderful to talk to someone who really understands. I will report back hopefully on a better day (and I know now that they will follow just as surely as the bad days do).

 

Hugs,

Sylvia

[seekingwisdom]

Hi!

 

As someone on the other side of your situation, I'd like to offer a few points. Take it from me - I've been there !

 

 

As you pointed out yourself, it takes a HELL OF A LOT OF EFFORT TO TEXT THAT MUCH PER DAY. We're talking a few hours! In addition to calls before and after work! There is no need to even enter into questioning that this was an emotional affair. If your husband did develop feelings for this other woman, which he quite clearly did (despite what he says), he will NOT tell you about it now because he will not want to ruin what is left of your marriage. Had he wanted to leave the marriage, he would have done so by now. However, he decided to get his emotional needs met elsewhere.

 

The focus of your efforts should not lie in convincing him it was wrong or getting out of him 'the truth'. (Your evidence is a truth in itself. He even admitted that they had kissed. It sounds like he is telling the truth. ) The focus of your energy and efforts TOGETHER should lie in examining the ways in which BOTH of your needs were not being met in the relationship. That is the only way to 'cure' the situation and ensure that it will not happen again. It is ongoing preventative maintenance. Go visit the marriage builders site everyone on this site is very fond of.

 

Anyone, and I do mean ANYONE, can begin to develop emotional ties to someone of the opposite sex when they feel isolated from their partner for whatever reason. Even the most moralistic and self controlled people. If you find yourself accepting the attention from these other 'friends', you might even find yourself in this position. It is a tricky business.

 

The rule of thumb is usually this: if you have to hide it, then it is not a good friendship to have.

 

Good luck!

[sylviaguardian]

Wise words indeed. Thank you.

 

Sylvia

[Owl]

I think I need to both agree and disagree with your post, Seeking. I think you're totally on the money when you note that they need to work on identifying what emotional needs that both of them have that weren't being met in the context of their marriage. That is toatally critical towards rebuilding the marriage.

 

Where I disagree is that Sylvia needs some kind of reassurance that this won't happen again in order for her to begin rebuilding her trust. One main part of that is the straying spouse MUST accept responsibility for what was done...if they don't see and admit that what they did was completely out of bounds, how can we ever believe that they won't do it again? If they make light of the subject, or treat it as anything less marriage-destroying than what it is, then there will always be the fear that they don't take it seriously. If they don't take it seriously, then they'll do it again.

 

So, IMO, I think that you should absolutely raise that point in counseling when you go Sylvia. Its important to you to KNOW that he understands how devestating what he did was to you, and to your marriage.

[Breathe]

Marriage counseling can help some but for my situation it made things worse. My H and I sat there and just pointed fingers at each other and always left more angry and upset than when we went in. We had to stop going as it mad things worse.

 

The first thing you need to do is take care of yourself. You need to eat. I was where you are and had the shakes so bad it was hard to stand up for too long. Your not hungry so you don't eat, but you have to force yourself. Eat and take vitamins. Get your weight back up and your body will start to feel better and your mind will follow. Try counseling for youself first. Your problems may have been brought on by your H, but he can't fix them for you. You can only make yourself happy.

 

It's hard to understand, but things will get better for you. I thought the pain would never go away. It hasn't completely, but it's not as bad as it was when I first found out. Your mind consumes you with negative images and thoughts, but you need to try to focus on the positive. TRY.

 

I let things get so bad for me at the beginning that I pushed my H further away. The point came where I felt I couldn't live anymore. Then I thought I wasn't going to let ANYONE tear me down like this and I got myself out of bed, took a long shower and got dressed up - just because. I foreced myself to get out of the house, to smile and laugh as often as I could. I stopped talking about the affairs (even though I still thought about them) and oddly enough, my H fell for me all over again. He felt more guilty about his wrong doing when I was happy (the way he wanted me to be to begin with) than he did when he saw me in tears. ODD!!

 

Not all things work for every couple as we are all different. You will find what works for you and what doesn't, but don't give up on yourself. Fix yourself and be happy with yourself, then work on your marriage. Best wishes to you.

[sylviaguardian]

Thanks Owl. You hit the nail on the head. I can't move on because I can see it happening all over again.

 

I will do that. I have been mulling over a lot of what has been said and taking it all in. The problem is that I didn't think there was too much wrong with our marriage before all this happened. Maybe the cousellor will help with that one.

 

Sylvia

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by sylviaguardian

On a positive note, what you said about building self-esteem etc really struck a chord with me. It relates back our discussion last night which made me realise that we have completley different views of relationships. He believes that you can have other 'close' friendships without affecting your main relationship, wheareas I want a relationship where my husband is my best friend also.

 

I am in the same belief as you. A marriage relationship should provide all the needs......the problem in my case, is I didnt hold up the emo side.....and even though now things are much much better......my wife still likes the compliments and attention from other men.....she just doesing see anything wrong with it.

 

 

.....Like you, people think I am a really confident strong woman, The truth is that I probably have really low self-esteem which goes further back to my childhood and to a previous relationship with someone who had a very subtle way of making me feel inadequate. I am going to try to work on my own confidence and not see this as a fault in myself.

 

 

again.....same here. I protrayed a myslef as strong and happy man....but inside I was a very insecure person. BUT thru counseling, I AM getting better for ME. And it feels great, I am a good person..

 

 

hang in there sylvia......you will make it....

[sylviaguardian]

Well, I'm hanging in there, but only by a thread. I'm afraid I've got to the point that I can't be bothered fighting this anymore. Last night I felt so calm and I told my H that I could see that the OW was not the problem at all, that she was only a symptom of other problems in our relationship. Last night on the way home from work I started to work out when I last felt really happy and it dawned on me that our relationship has not been great for a few years. The more I started to think about it, the more I could see what I had been unhappy about. My H is an emotionally independent person and for a long time, I have felt quite rejected by him. He is not a highly affectionate or sexual person and in a way I also felt like we weren't a 'couple' in a spiritual sense (if that makes sense!). I suppose I have buried these feelings partially or relied on my girlfriends/children for affection. The times when I did try to address this with him were times that always ended in arguments so I suppose I avoided doing it. I think he also felt that I was being a nag.

 

Anyway, he listened to all of this and when I asked him what he thought he had been unhappy about he said 'Nothing really. OUr relationship just suffered because I put so much energy into the OW". I silently counted to ten and then said "BUt you had an affair - you must have felt that there was something missing!".

 

He said "I haven't really had time to think about it"! AAAAArrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhh! I am tired of trying to save this relationship alone. I can't do it anyway. Guys help me here. I am losing the will to continue this battle. When I look at him now I wonder if I even like him now anyway. I've just lost all respect for him.

 

What can I do? Is it time to call it a day?

 

Sylvia

 

P.S. On another very pleasant note my hair is falling out. Has this happened to anyone else? Did it stop at some point? ****, I am fed up with being wrecked by this thing

[Owl]

Hmmmm....hasn't had the time to think about it? BS!!!! Tell him that if your marriage and relationship is important to him, he needs to make the time. Or, schedule it yourself. My wife and I started reading a book together at the suggestion of our marriage counselor once we began truly reconciling..."20 (surprisingly simple) Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage" by Dr Steve Stephens. We made a point of going to bed about 20-30 minutes earlier, so that we could read a chapter a nite and discuss it. I would heartily recommend that you get this book or something like it and do the same thing. It helped us to see what we HADN'T done in our marriage in a long, long time. It also showed us that we had started on the right track pretty unknowingly by re-instituting a number of those things when we began to work things out. It also gave us a chance and place to talk intimately about what happened...and gave us both some time to think about things if we needed to as well.

 

I don't recall if you said whether or not you've started any counseling...if you haven't, I would seriously suggest that you do so. If your husband is giving you BS about going, ask him how serious he is about repairing the damage he's done to you and your marriage.

 

On the hair falling out...not surprising if your under a ton of stress (which you are!). I am a guy, so didn't have that problem...but I DID lose about 23lbs in 2wks. Just try to take care of yourself, and start letting go of the things that you CAN'T control.