I just really want to move on...but I'm stuck!

[Wonderlandless]

My guy is 30, I am 27.

 

Last year I met a guy; as someone who is terrified of commitment this was amazing. I am shy, a loner, with "nerdy" interests and he was the same. We met because I do music and my semi-manager was helping out his band. I had heard about his band before, as they have won a Billboard and a VMA, plus my semi-manager was kind of obsessed with them. Being in the industry I had no intentions of dating a guy in the scene, but I just was taken away by him. His bandmates encouraged us, too, as it seemed it hadn't even expressed interest in a girl in almost 3 years and was very, very much a loner. I learned I was his 4th serious relationship in his adult life and by the end of us I was his second longest, which his longest 7 years prior to me.

 

So we started dating. After a month it moved to an LDR but things were white hot. My only complaint at the time was his ED, but given the fact I have a very low sex-drive I honestly didn't mind. He explained he'd had ED since he was 19, though really he'd always had a very low sex drive and identifies more or less as an asexual. We gave each other she space we needed. He had told me that he didn't have a lot of experience dating because he was such a loner, so most girls would get frustrated with him and dump him. I had that problem.

 

To be honest, I personally felt like things moved a little too quickly, but we were hard in the honeymoon phase so I went along with it, excited for this relationship. The LDR was a little tough, but we made sure to see each other for a week a month. It was a little difficult with his tour schedule and studio dates. All was well and good.

 

Then January came. He was acting off. I knew we were out of the honeymoon phase, but I couldn' understand what had happened. Nothing had changed, we still respected each other's space and made sure to always talk to each other at least once a day. We have an overwhelming amount in common and our life goals and styles were the same. I knew something was wrong when I went to visit him for Valentine's weekend and he didn't even want to touch me. Normally we'd playfully fool around, but nothing this time. March came and he told me his 'feelings had cooled from 100% to 70%' and 'I've been struggling with myself to not run back into my personal cave because this relationship and you are worth fighting for'. However, he asked for a break and I gave him space. He came back three days later saying how it was a mistake and I get him like no one else, and that letting me go would be a huge regret. He went back to being his normal, loving self.

 

He turned 30 in March and was pretty upset. I did my best to cheer him up and bought him legos and a coloring book of Bill Murray (his favorite actor. He still plays with Legos, too, which I think is awesome! I love Legos). We also began communicating better. When he'd get home from a tour he'd ask for a day of 'alone time' which I'd happy give him, as I have also been on tour and know how hard it is. When he didn't feel chatty he'd tell me and I would respect that.

 

Time went on and I began to explore getting him aroused naturally, as he always felt bad when he couldn't stay hard and wanted to go the viagra route. I was successful a few times!

 

June I noticed he was pulling away again. I attributed this to his band signing to their first mega-label, getting new management, flying to New York and LA for meetings, etc. Not to mention he was stressed: money was thin for him, and he was moving into a new place. I was also moving up to his city but not ready to move in with him (we wanted to get a two-bedroom apartment so we could both have our own 'chill out' areas since we'd both need it). I also noticed he was adding a lot of girls, girls he'd met once at gigs to facebook. These were very early 20's, brown-haired, big-butt girls (I am not his physical ideal: he likes long, dark hair, small boobs and big butts. I am short-blond haired, with big boobs, slender and working on getting a god-tier butt). I'm not the jealous type, he can have female friends and with him being an attractive guy in the band there are going to be girls chatting him up. I trust him. I came up to see him and all was well. He left for a three-week long tour on the West Coast funded by the Grammy Committee.

 

A week after he left I was sexually attacked by a coworker. I called him, crying, and told him what happened. He was great and supportive. He regularly checked in on me even though he was quite busy out on the West Coast. Then he comes back from tour and was off. Two days later he calls me and says after a 40-minute conversation with a groupie in San Francisco he realized: "there are a lot of beautiful women out there and I need to keep my options open." Not to mention he wanted to "see where this can go" with the groupie. I was floored. He's talking about pursuing a girl he met 3000 miles away. I told him to **** off. About a week later he begs me to not kick him out of my life, that this was a mistake, he let the fame go to his head and got carried away. His friends were floored. They thought he was head-over-heels in love with me by his behavior and actions when we were together.

 

So we talked. He confided that he's never been happy in a relationship, but he is also never happy single. Only times he can say he is truly happy when he is alone and reading a book. I asked him if he fell in love easily and he said no, but he did agree that he runs away with 'what if' possibilities when meeting girls he likes. He also says that he's worked so hard to be independent that he thinks he went a little overboard and needs to come back. He wants to get into counseling and work on himself, but tells me it is going to take time. He said he couldn't work his issues out while we were together, so we must try to do this apart.

 

A month passes, I don't hear much from him. Sometimes I would get upset and bitch him out via email, to which he'd calmly tell me that he is 'here for me when I need to talk' and is sorry, that he loves me but needs time to work on his issues. I see he is playing close to my city so I go up to the show. He sees me in the crowd, I get startled and run off. He chases me down the street begging me to talk to him. We stand outside for a bit, then he goes and plays his show. After his set he asks me if I want to talk, and I tell him no, there are a lot of good-looking girls at this show so he should talk to them. We end up talking anyway. He tells me its been a terrible month, he can't focus, every time he tries to chat up a girl all he can think about is me. He gets a text and I see on his phone is my picture as the lock and background screen. I ask him why and he says 'its not like I stare at it longingly or anything'. We talk more and he tells me that he truly wants us to work, but he can't get over the fact that he is terrified of 'forever with one girl'. I ask him to elaborate and he says: "For the first time in like five years I actually feel confident and good about myself! I have a lot going for me, and I feel like I am hitting my stride finally. I missed out on a lot in my twenties."

 

We go to dinner the next day I ask him why he came to dinner and he says he wouldn't waste his time if he didn't think there was still a chance, but he doesn't think its fair asking me to wait for him while he's sorting himself out, but also doesn't want me out of his life. He still thinks of me as wife material and always has, but isn't done getting to know other girls yet. He is asexual, I ask him what does he mean, does he want emotional flings? He doesn't know. I knew he was getting restless, sometimes he would complain our conversations had been boring. I worked all the time, saving up like mad to get to his city, and all he did was go to the studio or read. I tried to keep it interesting by talking about things we liked, but I admit I was getting bored too. We only had a few months until I moved.

 

Their next gig is in Indy three days later and he asks me to come. He gets me a backstage pass and looks very excited when I show up. After their set he walks up to me but I walk off. I spend the day ignoring him when he tries to talk to me. I see his bandmates and they all tell me how sorry they are, that I am the best thing that ever happened to him (when I told him this, he said: "I know, I've said that before"), he's a ****ing moron, and were confused because they 'don't have groupies' and 'never see him talking to other girls like he'd talk to you'. Eventually I get very angry with him and tell him I regret ever meeting him, he has always been a waste of my time and I hope the girl he ends up with stomps on his heart because he deserves it. I left, then apologized. He texted me the address of his hotel and said we should talk.

 

We ended up talking and crying for good four hours. I ask him again about my picture on his phone and he tells me it 'comforts him' and he 'doesn't want to forget'. He kept saying how he loves me, I'm right for him and wants to spend the rest of his life with me but there is a large part of him that is scared he is missing out and worries there might be something else out there. He keeps swearing he will make it right, that we are not over. He tells me he wants to see me in a few months when they come back nearby my city on a string of gigs they are having, but until then there is email, skype, and he wants me to talk to him, but he also needs time to sort himself out. We both part ways tearfully.

 

Now he's home. I sent him an email with some lost-cost counseling in his city and to apologize. He sends a passive aggressive message of "you needn't worry that this will push me away. I figure whatever I get I deserve and I just accept it...it's not a big deal in the long run." He tells me we will talk more when he gets the internet... except, he's had the internet since he moved. No contact since then.

 

tl;dr: Near asexual, blunt, super loner ex with very little relationship experience in a successful band left because he suddenly needs to 'see what else is out there', yet still keeps my picture as his phone lock-screen, won't throw away the gifts and pictures and swears we are not done. How do I move on from him as he probably isn't coming back?

[Geneva]

Good lord that guy sounds confused and like he's in a quarter-life crisis!

[Wonderlandless]

Good lord that guy sounds confused and like he's in a quarter-life crisis!

 

Hah, pretty much everyone I've talked to: from older men who lived their lives on the road to girls my age said he sounds insanely confused.

 

What I also find sad is the fact he told me he has difficulty maintaining any kind of relationship: friends, family, work, girls. He's thought often on leaving the band, the band that is on the verge of hitting it big, because it 'pulls him away from his private shell'.

 

I mean, if he's seriously considered walking away from a very successful band then maybe I shouldn't feel so crappy about him leaving me!

[Wonderlandless]

Any other insights? I'd really like some outside advice to this matter.

[Dolphono]

Any other insights? I'd really like some outside advice to this matter.

 

I'll give it a try. Look, it's about you and your needs. If you want him? Have him.

He's an artist in a band, "THAT" will always come first and you're third.

I recommend you watch the movie: Ray, staring Jamie Foxx, pay attention to Ray's wife and what she had to endure. Now that my friend, is an outstanding example of "Real Love", and the issues that surrounds EVERY relationship. I also recommend, THE SHOWTIME SERIES: Californation.

 

Do you desire him enough, to allow him the freedom, to live out his (groupies & idolized life) dreams?

I know it's a tough pill to shallow and most folks run from such a situation, but if he's the dream for you?. Stand by his side no matter what, or realize there is a better dream and move towards that.

[Wonderlandless]

I'll give it a try. Look, it's about you and your needs. If you want him? Have him.

He's an artist in a band, "THAT" will always come first and you're third.

I recommend you watch the movie: Ray, staring Jamie Foxx, pay attention to Ray's wife and what she had to endure. Now that my friend, is an outstanding example of "Real Love", and the issues that surrounds EVERY relationship. I also recommend, THE SHOWTIME SERIES: Californation.

 

Do you desire him enough, to allow him the freedom, to live out his (groupies & idolized life) dreams?

I know it's a tough pill to shallow and most folks run from such a situation, but if he's the dream for you?. Stand by his side no matter what, or realize there is a better dream and move towards that.

 

Cheers for the response!

 

I've been on the road; I know many successful musicians and what their spouses have to endure. It is NOT easy. To be fair, I split up with a guy I was dating for two years when my touring picked up. I didn't want to screw around, but I did want to be free for a bit. He's the first guy who I was willing to not shove aside when they got in the way of my goals and desire to be free. I understand the aspect of him being in a band, that isn't difficult to grasp.

 

What I am struggling to grasp is given his exceptionally low sex-drive, why does he suddenly feel the need to run around? Besides me and the other girl from seven years ago he pretty much splits once the honeymoon period is over. He gets too caught up in "perfect love" and runs when the relationship isn't perfect, or pulls him away from his private bubble.

 

I think I also struggle with the fact I am not his physical ideal. That really hurts... the fact that I wasn't good enough. Like I said, right before we split I noticed he was adding a lot of 18-21/22 girls he met from gigs that were his physical ideal. Yet, he is incredibly particular about the girls he will date/spend time with. It doesn't make sense... also, if he's trying to get laid, why keep my picture as his phone lock screen and background?

[Geneva]

Girl you ARE good enough! Don't let some guy who is dumb enough to walk away from fame, fortune and love get you down!

[Wonderlandless]

Girl you ARE good enough! Don't let some guy who is dumb enough to walk away from fame, fortune and love get you down!

 

 

Heh, thanks. It is just hard to make me feel that way.

[Wonderlandless]

C'mon guys... 300 views and only 3 responses? I could really use some help here.

[Omei]

I would just go NC all this I wanna be with you forever but not right now is just crap if he wants to be with you he would be with you, in the meantime hes gonna have you wait, and you guys are gonna have your conflicting feelings text drama thing till you guys feel worse and worse.

And say he does work on himself while you're waiting but in the end its not you he picks and gives you the ole thanks for being there.

 

He has no idea what he wants, clearly.

[Wonderlandless]

I would just go NC all this I wanna be with you forever but not right now is just crap if he wants to be with you he would be with you, in the meantime hes gonna have you wait, and you guys are gonna have your conflicting feelings text drama thing till you guys feel worse and worse.

And say he does work on himself while you're waiting but in the end its not you he picks and gives you the ole thanks for being there.

 

He has no idea what he wants, clearly.

 

He knows I'm not waiting; I've told him I've been dating and while he doesn't like the idea he 'has to accept the consequence of his actions'.

 

I've asked him what will happen if he does improve and he doesn't come back to me. He says that is very unlikely to happen, but if has to change because he can't keep behaving this way if he ever wants to settle down. I told him if he's waiting for the day he stops getting crushes on other women to settle down, then he's going to be in his grave.

[Omei]

Well it still sounds like you're waiting whislt dating, what happens to the guy you're dating when he says im ready now? Your post says "I want to move on but im stuck"

 

To me it doesnt sound like you'll be happy with this guy not now and prob not in the future, hes not ready to settle if he wants to change it will likely be for him not you and at his own pace you'll be long dating someone else id still go NC untill you can be nothing but future friends thats how you will get unstuck.

[Omei]

I'll give it a try. Look, it's about you and your needs. If you want him? Have him.

He's an artist in a band, "THAT" will always come first and you're third.

I recommend you watch the movie: Ray, staring Jamie Foxx, pay attention to Ray's wife and what she had to endure. Now that my friend, is an outstanding example of "Real Love", and the issues that surrounds EVERY relationship. I also recommend, THE SHOWTIME SERIES: Californation.

 

 

Do you desire him enough, to allow him the freedom, to live out his (groupies & idolized life) dreams?

I know it's a tough pill to shallow and most folks run from such a situation, but if he's the dream for you?. Stand by his side no matter what, or realize there is a better dream and move towards that.

 

Awesome show yeah your post is very much like it, and during the whole series the girl gets hurt over and over while he sweet talks her into forgiving each time he never fails to deliver more hurt and shes never truely happy they're so dépendant on each other its quite sad how shes living her whole life for this 1 guy.

[Dolphono]

Awesome show yeah your post is very much like it

 

Good observation, my view point of life is similar to the show.

The show nails society to the "t" IMHO.

[Wonderlandless]

Awesome show yeah your post is very much like it, and during the whole series the girl gets hurt over and over while he sweet talks her into forgiving each time he never fails to deliver more hurt and shes never truely happy they're so dépendant on each other its quite sad how shes living her whole life for this 1 guy.

 

He warns me though that this has a possibility to turn out badly. If there is one thing I have to compliment him on (and curse him) is his tendencies to be blunt and not sugar-coat or give false hopes. I never did see that show, I will check it out, though! Thanks!

 

Well it still sounds like you're waiting whislt dating, what happens to the guy you're dating when he says im ready now? Your post says "I want to move on but im stuck"

 

To me it doesnt sound like you'll be happy with this guy not now and prob not in the future, hes not ready to settle if he wants to change it will likely be for him not you and at his own pace you'll be long dating someone else id still go NC untill you can be nothing but future friends thats how you will get unstuck.

 

What happens if he says he needs me now? He's out of luck. I can't trust him, and I won't date someone I can't trust. Even if he does a complete 180, who is to say I will still be there? If I am with another guy, or if I feel like it won't work or I still can't trust him then, well... so be it. I know if he changes it is going to be a verrrryyy long time, as he has to work through essentially 30-years worth of running away. I don't expect him to come back tomorrow, or next month or any time soon. Yet I still can't understand why he keeps my picture as his phone background and refuses to throw away the things I gave him. I've removed all traces of him from my life, why can't he do the same?

 

That being said, I do not want to be his friend. He knows I will completely cut him out for good if I have to. I've done it before, and I can do it again.

[abby_tx]

I read the whole story and nothing about this guy would make me want to date him. He sounds like he has a lot of issues to work through. Did you enjoy spending time with him? If he doesn't/can't have sex often, wants to be alone mostly, etc. what's in it for you? Doesn't seem like much.

[Wonderlandless]

I read the whole story and nothing about this guy would make me want to date him. He sounds like he has a lot of issues to work through. Did you enjoy spending time with him? If he doesn't/can't have sex often, wants to be alone mostly, etc. what's in it for you? Doesn't seem like much.

 

Yes, I very much enjoyed my time around him. Much like him I don't put in any effort into something I am not going to get any benefit out of. I have a very low sex-drive as well, so I was pretty relieved to meet someone who didn't place as much emphasis on sex as most men seem to do. He was willing and had explored the drug route, but I told him not to after he took a pill and didn't feel too well. I decided to figure out how to get him aroused naturally. With a lot of work, and trial and error I was able to do so.

 

Needing to be alone? Awesome! I need a lot of alone time, too. Most of the guys in the past demand too much of my time. What I liked about this guy was he always made sure to set aside time out of his day for me; be it a full conversation, to send me a link to something he'd know I'd enjoy, just to say hey and chat between practice at the studio/while driving to their next destination/before a show or just a good morning text, I never had to chase him, and after awhile he felt comfortable enough to tell me when he just wasn't feeling like chatting or needed some private time, which made me happy he was able to be that honest. When I did see him he was very loving and attentive without being smothering. He is also the first guy who didn't need to cuddle me when I slept (he wanted to sleep not touching, which was fine by me!) and even agreed that when we moved in together we'd need a place with two bedrooms, or one-bedroom and turn the dining room/den area into a private zone so we can both have our private chill-out spaces.

 

He has a lot of issues to work through, as do I. I was willing to work with him, and I did work with him on a few of his issues. He also helped me in many ways as well. This is also why I can't take him back right now even if he asked: during one of our talks he said that even if he did date me or someone else it would be a waste of time because he's going to end up right back in the same mess he is in now: struggling with himself and feeling caged.

 

So, did I enjoy spending time with him? More so than any other man I have ever been with or dated. I have never clicked with someone on the level I had with him.

Edited September 9, 2013 by Wonderlandless