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in love with 2 men

lonelygirl83

By lonelygirl83
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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GorillaTheater Established Member

GorillaTheater

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She sounds really young. She also has young kids. If their marriage is destroyed, that can negatively impact their children. :(

 

No doubt the kids will be impacted, but would you want to be little more than an option to your spouse? I know I wouldn't. Young or not, it just shouldn't be this hard to choose, particularly when one of the two choices is apparently some guy she hasn't even met. I mean, how insulting to her husband is that? How insulted would you feel in those shoes?

 

Were I her husband, I'd make the choice for her, wish her well, help her pack (well, a little), and make redecorating plans for the house.

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BetheButterfly Established Member

BetheButterfly

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No doubt the kids will be impacted, but would you want to be little more than an option to your spouse?

 

Good point. However, for many people it takes time to understand what true love and commitment is. I didn't understand when I was 23 years old. It took me awhile to understand.

I know I wouldn't

Understood.

 

Young or not, it just shouldn't be this hard to choose, particularly when one of the two choices is apparently some guy she hasn't even met.

That's why I think there's something missing, but I don't think they need to throw in the towel before trying to work together to make their marriage strong and healthy, you know what I mean?

 

OP, do you know why you are feeling lonely? Have you had a difficult childhood? Has something happened in your past that makes you want to stray and not protect your love and marriage (commitment) with your husband?

 

I mean, how insulting to her husband is that? How insulted would you feel in those shoes?
It is very insulting, true. I would feel betrayed and would want to see if my husband (if he did something like that) was giving up on us. I have a 0 tolerance policy for cheating. My husband does too, and yeah what she has done is a step in that direction that is unacceptable for us.

 

Were I her husband, I'd make the choice for her, wish her well, help her pack (well, a little), and make redecorating plans for the house.
Understood. My husband would do the same. However, both he and I have very strong and focused goals in life, and they include being faithful to each other and loving each other "till death do us part." While I made mistakes in my past and he made mistakes in his past, we learned from them and don't want to make those mistakes again, or make other fatal mistakes!

 

OP. what are you goals in life? Personally, I hope you decide to learn from others' mistakes instead of making mistakes that can hurt you and your children, as well as your husband. That is the wisest thing: to learn from others.

 

Please please do not cheat/be unfaithful. Rather, first strive to fix your marriage and protect/nurture your love and commitment with your husband. If that does not work, then divorce. Please do not cheat. You can stop this before it's too late.

Edited by BetheButterfly
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lonelygirl83 Member

lonelygirl83

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I guess if it was over the day it began... I should have left my husband a few years ago when he met somebody else when I was pregnant with our son... And yes I have met the man that I have been texting.

BetheButterfly Established Member

BetheButterfly

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I guess if it was over the day it began... I should have left my husband a few years ago when he met somebody else when I was pregnant with our son... And yes I have met the man that I have been texting.

 

:( Another marriage destroyed. Lovely. :(

 

What is the world coming to? :(

 

Lonely girl, are you implying your husband cheated on you when you were pregnant?

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lonelygirl83 Member

lonelygirl83

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My child hood was just fine this has nothing to do with it...

CptSaveAho Established Member

CptSaveAho

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I guess if it was over the day it began... I should have left my husband a few years ago when he met somebody else when I was pregnant with our son... And yes I have met the man that I have been texting.

 

Yup... you should have. Most normal people do this.

 

You seem to choose the idea of the marriage over the actual marriage, hence why your desire to continue to talk to the new guy even though you are married with feelings being brought into the picture.

 

You're line about I love my husband blah blah is total bull****. If I was dating someone and loved them, no other person would get the time of day from me much less emotional support. You are in love with "drama" excitement (idea) not the actual person

 

You do realize that 70+% of second marriages end in divorce... there's a reason for that and why I said it was over the day it started

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lonelygirl83 Member

lonelygirl83

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He met somebody at work and was pretty much doing as I am but he hung out with this girl at work and I really am not sure how far it really went. He told me they never slept together.

GorillaTheater Established Member

GorillaTheater

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He met somebody at work and was pretty much doing as I am but he hung out with this girl at work and I really am not sure how far it really went. He told me they never slept together.

 

And this justifies what you're doing now, right?

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lonelygirl83 Member

lonelygirl83

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I have had a lot of trust issues since my husband did it to me. And yes I should have left then.

BetheButterfly Established Member

BetheButterfly

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Yup... you should have. Most normal people do this.

 

You seem to choose the idea of the marriage over the actual marriage, hence why your desire to continue to talk to the new guy even though you are married with feelings being brought into the picture.

 

You're line about I love my husband blah blah is total bull****. If I was dating someone and loved them, no other person would get the time of day from me much less emotional support. You are in love with "drama" excitement (idea) not the actual person

 

 

I know that was just an expression (a beautiful one though)... I do give the time of day and emotional support to people, but I love my husband and no other person gets anything sexual from me except my husband!!!

 

So OP,

 

Trust is then what is missing in your relationship, as well as faithfulness on both your sides. :( Instead of trying to "pay back" then you do need to divorce. Yes I am sad but agree you should have left when he was unfaithful. However, you didn't. Did you decide to forgive him and are having trouble still forgiving him?

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lonelygirl83 Member

lonelygirl83

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And this justifies what you're doing now, right?

No I never said that it justifies what am I am doing. I do not feel that way. I am just saying we have had our issues

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lonelygirl83 Member

lonelygirl83

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I know that was just an expression (a beautiful one though)... I do give the time of day and emotional support to people, but I love my husband and no other person gets anything sexual from me except my husband!!!

 

So OP,

 

Trust is then what is missing in your relationship, as well as faithfulness on both your sides. :( Instead of trying to "pay back" then you do need to divorce. Yes I am sad but agree you should have left when he was unfaithful. However, you didn't. Did you decide to forgive him and are having trouble still forgiving him?

I thought I forgave him but I have not been able to trust him.

BetheButterfly Established Member

BetheButterfly

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I thought I forgave him but I have not been able to trust him.

 

I'm sorry. :(

 

Forgiveness is a daily decision many times, depending on how harmful the act/words being forgiven.

 

I understand why you are not able to trust him, but please don't make the same mistake he did.

 

You need to talk to him. Calmly. You need to tell him you still don't trust him, and you need to admit what you did.

 

Living a lie is harmful. Please don't go that route. Without trust, a strong and healthy marriage is impossible in my opinion.

 

A person needs to be trustworthy in order for you to trust that person. Are you being trustworthy right now? He was not being trustworthy in the past, and it's possible he still isn't. I don't know. However, you need to kindly tell the truth and see what to do now.

 

Please don't cheat. That just makes everything worse. Please tell the truth to him and see if you two together want to make your marriage strong, or whether you need to let each other go and divorce.

 

Also, please be wary of men who only want sex and use words as bait. They are thousands of men like that, sadly and there are thousands of women who are baited, used, then left when another beautiful woman catches the predator's eye...

 

Personally, I think it's worth it to love and be loved by a wonderful man who isn't into baiting and using women, but is 100% for true love and commitment that lasts the test of time. It's your decision though what you will do, though it's important not to lie to yourself. You can stop if you want, and you can do if you want. What do you want in life?

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GorillaTheater Established Member

GorillaTheater

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No I never said that it justifies what am I am doing. I do not feel that way. I am just saying we have had our issues

 

Well, that's good, because the usual dynamic goes more-or-less as follows:

 

1) You meet someone that gets the endorphins kicking up.

 

2) They return interest. Endorphins continue to kick in.

 

3) Pretty soon you're smitten, and your imagination starts to play with ideas like picking out curtains together and similar happily ever after crap.

 

4) "But wait", you say, "I'm a good person. Good people don't cheat, so there must be some really unusual factors in my case, like this other guy is my one true soul mate, and besides that, my husband is a lousy guy who's done a bunch of lousy stuff, including forgetting to put down the toilet seat 14 years ago." You have to justify, mainly to yourself, why it is you're doing a crappy thing, because it's important to you to continue to think of yourself as a good person.

 

So I'm glad your situation is nothing as scripted and trite as that.

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Nyla Established Member

Nyla

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His kids are not his wife's kids they are his from his first wife whom died.

 

It doesn't matter. His wife is likely a mother figure to them. :rolleyes:

Dolphono Established Member

Dolphono

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The seven stages of love in the "Brave New Green Smarter World"

 

1) You meet someone that gets the endorphins kicking up.

 

2) They return interest. Endorphins continue to kick in.

 

3) Pretty soon you're smitten, and your imagination starts to play with ideas like picking out curtains together and similar happily ever after crap.

 

4) "But wait", you say, "I'm a good person. Good people don't cheat, so there must be some really unusual factors in my case, like this other guy is my one true soul mate, and besides that, my husband is a lousy guy who's done a bunch of lousy stuff, including forgetting to put down the toilet seat 14 years ago." You have to justify, mainly to yourself, why it is you're doing a crappy thing, because it's important to you to continue to think of yourself as a good person.

 

5) after a few years the endorphins wear off

 

6) Another guy starts paying attention

 

7) BAM! Repeating the same scenario over and over.

 

- GorillaTheater & beenkilled

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lonelygirl83 Member

lonelygirl83

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Quick update I am going NC with the other man and I am going to fix my marriage!

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GorillaTheater Established Member

GorillaTheater

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Good news, LG. Remind me, have you told your husband about the OM yet?

Dolphono Established Member

Dolphono

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Quick update I am going NC with the other man and I am going to fix my marriage!

 

Great news and DO NOT tell your husband. Many women have such skeletons in their closet, you emotionally cheated. No big deal in my book. Just don't do it again. Telling your husband just opens the door to drama. Now, if you guys ever have a Q&A session and the "Have you ever?" questions come up. That would be the perfect time for full disclosure.

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lonelygirl83 Member

lonelygirl83

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Well I didn't plan on telling my husband but he went through my phone and seen this forum and he came to me about it. We fought all day almost. But I think we are on the road to recovery. We have to learn to not keep secrets from each other. Cause after my whole thing came out he decided to tell me the truth about something he knew I would be pissed about thank you all for your help and advice

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