stand-up Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 First time post here. I've read through a few and have noticed many have gone through very similar experiences. The short story is: We dated for 4 years. We lived together. Things got routine. She told me she still loves me but doesn't have the same feeling that was once there. I've felt the changes over the last 5-6 months or so - she wouldn't initiate hugs or kisses or tell me she loves me without me saying it first. She told me she needed space and that she's hopeful that some time apart will help her regain those feelings. I'm doubtful, but I love her and want her back. It's now my first day without her and I don't know what to do with myself. I have to come home to our apartment everyday with reminders of her everywhere (our lease here is not up yet). I want to contact her but know its best not to. What should I do with myself? What should I do if she contacts me? How soon is too soon to go out and party and try to find a "bounce back" girl? Any advice about the first few days after a break-up like this is helpful. Thanks.
leafguy Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 I am on day 10 NC. Very similar situation to you. The best advice I can say is vent on here when you need too, go out to the gym, go out and do things with friends. The more you spend thinking about it, the worse off you are. Cry when you need to if you feel it. It helps. Write down your feelings as well. Not much else I can say is every day will get better.
Author stand-up Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 Thanks, leafguy. Getting dumped sucks.
Apparition Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 First off, if you mean a rebound by the "bounce back girl", do not go out there looking for a rebound. It is unfair on another person for you to use them in such a way, especially if they develop feelings for you. It becomes a vicious cycle. So , don't. Don't contact your ex. No matter how hard it gets or how much it hurts. For now, use this time to focus on yourself and figure out what you NEED, not want, but NEED. Do not block out your feelings, sit down and actually feel them, let your pain run through your body until there is no more. This was my biggest downfall , 3 years ago when I was dumped I hit the bottle heavily and tried to numb out the pain, I thought it would get better but it got worse and I had to relive it and go back to stage one when I came off the drink. What I found comfort in was movies that had bad break-ups in them, ones that didn't have that happy ending, it made me feel like I wasn't alone and I could relate to the movies with their situation. There was also YT videos , blogs, forums like this etc. Find your comfort, some people like to eat a lot, some people like to just cry all day and feel sorry for themselves. There is nothing wrong with that, but if you're doing it for more than a week I'd suggest you start getting out of the house and starting a new hobby. Keep yourself busy, you don't have to be out doing something, it can be something simple around the house like ironing, washing dishes, cleaning up or even just going outside for a quiet walk. Sorry, man.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 First time post here. I've read through a few and have noticed many have gone through very similar experiences. The short story is: We dated for 4 years. We lived together. Things got routine. She told me she still loves me but doesn't have the same feeling that was once there. I've felt the changes over the last 5-6 months or so - she wouldn't initiate hugs or kisses or tell me she loves me without me saying it first. She told me she needed space and that she's hopeful that some time apart will help her regain those feelings. I'm doubtful, but I love her and want her back. It's now my first day without her and I don't know what to do with myself. I have to come home to our apartment everyday with reminders of her everywhere (our lease here is not up yet). I want to contact her but know its best not to. What should I do with myself? What should I do if she contacts me? How soon is too soon to go out and party and try to find a "bounce back" girl? Any advice about the first few days after a break-up like this is helpful. Thanks. First, that sucks man. From first hand experience, I know how it feels. I can only imagine the feelings are the same. I noticed something here though, and feel free to tell me to STFU if I'm out of line. Sadly, your story is not uncommon around here. Many of the stories fall into the same pattern as this one does (including my own). One thing stood out to me though....you are asking what to do about contacting and whatever, but the sentence "How soon is too soon to go out and party and try to find a bounce back girl" When most people go through something like this and really feel something for the dumper, most people dont even register that thought in their head. I know you dont want to feel like this anymore because getting dumped sucks, but maybe be real with yourself and ask this: WAS she the "perfect" girl for you? MAYBE you fell into the same traps she did, but she just beat you to the punch? For instance, I loved my ex, but she was ALWAYS bi**hing about something. Whether it was my car, the weather, ANYTHING...she was complaining. I talked to my friend/boss about three weeks before about possibly breaking up with her because I was mildly unhappy...I ended up not doing it. Three weeks later, she bust the same thing your ex is doing currently with a LOT of different things thrown in. Whether thats the case for you or not, I'm not sure. Either way, it sucks. The ONLY thing to do here is go no contact. Do not talk to her, do not text her, do not go on social media sites and see what she is doing. This part sucks because its so fresh and you are in such a habit of doing it. She will probably contact you as well because thats the norm for her too, but do not respond. I promise you, it wont end well. Anytime you need to talk, come here. Let her have the space she wants without bothering her. There will be a LARGE number of questions you will have, so come here and ask them.
Author stand-up Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 All of that advice makes total sense. With respect to the rebound, I only asked whether doing something like that might help me get over her. This isn't something I want to do at all. Right now I can't imagine feeling anything for anyone else. I did my best to come up with a list of her negative qualities but I'm not having much luck. It seems to be having the opposite of its intended effect by confirming how perfect she was. I'll avoid doing that any more I plan to stay strong with NC. It has barely been 24 hours and it's hard as hell. At some point she will contact me about getting stuff out of the apartment. I will tell her to come when I'm not home.
Author stand-up Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 Knowing her very well: If I tell her not to contact me, she won't. Even if she really wants to and perhaps even if it would be to tell me what a mistake she's made and that she wanted me back, she won't. Is it better to ignore her or to be straight up and ask her for NC?
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 All of that advice makes total sense. With respect to the rebound, I only asked whether doing something like that might help me get over her. This isn't something I want to do at all. Right now I can't imagine feeling anything for anyone else. I did my best to come up with a list of her negative qualities but I'm not having much luck. It seems to be having the opposite of its intended effect by confirming how perfect she was. I'll avoid doing that any more I plan to stay strong with NC. It has barely been 24 hours and it's hard as hell. At some point she will contact me about getting stuff out of the apartment. I will tell her to come when I'm not home. Yeah there are usually HUGE blinders on when someone breaks up with us. We think there is NOBODY else and they are it for us. We put them on this massive pedestal that NO ONE else can reach. Some of that are true feelings, but a LOT of that is pride and ego my friend. Were crushed that this person doesnt want us anymore and that makes us upset. We cant believe this is happening and the world is ending lol. Its such an awful feeling. I dont know her and not everyone is the same, but she will contact you. Whether it be for stuff, or ask how your day was, or why you are not talking to her etc etc etc....she will contact you. The biggest mistake many here suffer from is "OHH THIS IS MY WAY BACK IN." Sadly, its done. The relationship is over. This was her choice and she has been thinking about it for awhile I assure you. This is where you respect that and dont contact her. DONT TELL HER YOU ARE GOING NO CONTACT....just do it. This is what she wants, so the only thing you can do is give it to her. Time has a funny way of sorting things out in our heads. This is all so new so there is just a cluster of s*** that entered your brain. You cant think straight, you cant eat correctly....hell, hanging out with friends becomes a chore. Trust me, things will get better ONLY if you allow them to get better. Life is so so short my friend. We only have a limited time on this earth and it wasnt meant to be spent dwelling. Keep moving forward.
Author stand-up Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 Yeah there are usually HUGE blinders on when someone breaks up with us. We think there is NOBODY else and they are it for us. We put them on this massive pedestal that NO ONE else can reach. Some of that are true feelings, but a LOT of that is pride and ego my friend. Were crushed that this person doesnt want us anymore and that makes us upset. We cant believe this is happening and the world is ending lol. Its such an awful feeling. I dont know her and not everyone is the same, but she will contact you. Whether it be for stuff, or ask how your day was, or why you are not talking to her etc etc etc....she will contact you. The biggest mistake many here suffer from is "OHH THIS IS MY WAY BACK IN." Sadly, its done. The relationship is over. This was her choice and she has been thinking about it for awhile I assure you. This is where you respect that and dont contact her. DONT TELL HER YOU ARE GOING NO CONTACT....just do it. This is what she wants, so the only thing you can do is give it to her. Time has a funny way of sorting things out in our heads. This is all so new so there is just a cluster of s*** that entered your brain. You cant think straight, you cant eat correctly....hell, hanging out with friends becomes a chore. Trust me, things will get better ONLY if you allow them to get better. Life is so so short my friend. We only have a limited time on this earth and it wasnt meant to be spent dwelling. Keep moving forward. Thanks for this. Once you put it down in writing it makes a lot of sense out of the things that are floating around in my brain. You answered a lot of questions I had about NC - better to just do it than to tell her. You are right about time sorting itself out. If she truly wants to give it another shot she'll be persistent. If not, I'll be on my way to a better me and getting over my feelings for her. 1
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Thanks for this. Once you put it down in writing it makes a lot of sense out of the things that are floating around in my brain. You answered a lot of questions I had about NC - better to just do it than to tell her. You are right about time sorting itself out. If she truly wants to give it another shot she'll be persistent. If not, I'll be on my way to a better me and getting over my feelings for her. You seem to have a level head on you, which is nice to see because you defiantly dont see it a lot on here lol. Just keep plugging away at it. The process isnt easy and there are a lot of times where you will go crazy with eagerness and whatever else lol. Its normal and sadly, normal is something breakups are not. Things wont always be this crappy if you dont allow them to. You have to understand and believe its not going to stay this way.
Ireallydontknow Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 All I can say is prepare for impact. I never see "breaks" work out. Odds are she has another guy in wait and is playing the field. Tell her to go f*** herself and move on. I wish I did! I would of saved so much pain! Take this all in as a life lesson. I try to. It's going to hurt like hell. I'm 1 month NC tomorrow. Every night I want to talk to her so bad. Nights are the worst, mornings aren't much better either. I write and try and talk to my friends. I wish you luck. Stay strong. 1
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