legalgirl Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 I've been seeing a married man for over a year. He says he has never been so much in love. I love him so much as well, but he just won't leave his children. How long do I wait? I feel so stupid! Please help me move on. I know I deserve so much more! He tells me everything I want to hear. I feel like he has a grasp on me and I cannot let go!
Goodbye Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 I've been seeing a married man for over a year. He says he has never been so much in love. I love him so much as well, but he just won't leave his children. How long do I wait? I feel so stupid! Please help me move on. I know I deserve so much more! He tells me everything I want to hear. I feel like he has a grasp on me and I cannot let go! Leave his children? Huh? Leaving his wife doesn't equal leaving his kids if he has been a decent father. I left my marriage and I am still a mother. I don't buy that whole argument. Bottom line...he is unwilling to change his situation. The only card you have left to play is to walk away. Tell him you are done waiting and to only contact you in the future if he has changed his situation. Then go NC and work on filling your life up again. You'll probably miss him and you will be sad, but you will be okay. 1
Author legalgirl Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 I needed to hear that. He says he will be a failure as a father if he leaves them. It is always an excuse. I don't understand how someone so miserable can keep hanging around when he says he is so happy with me. I don't sleep anymore, I cry a lot and feel physically ill. It is just not fair to be put through this.
tiernan Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Mine said exactly the same thing in the beginning. Then he left to be with me, but since then they didn't want anything to do with him and he was in a constant emotional rollercoaster encouraged by their mother. after two years the pressure got too big for him and he had to go back. My advice is to let him go. If I had known then what I know now, I would have run away in the beginning. Don't waste time. 1
Goodbye Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 I needed to hear that. He says he will be a failure as a father if he leaves them. It is always an excuse. I don't understand how someone so miserable can keep hanging around when he says he is so happy with me. I don't sleep anymore, I cry a lot and feel physically ill. It is just not fair to be put through this. Legal, I know your pain. It certainly is not easy or fair. Hang in there. People will give you very scripted answers and predictions here, but you never do know how it will turn out. Keep taking care of yourself. 1
Author legalgirl Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 Thank you both. I wish I would've found this forum months ago!!! I think I need the support of others who have been through this. God bless!
happy stillmore Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Been there. Actions speak louder than words. The more you continue, the more you are telling him you are okay with this arrangement. Frankly, I bet you love yourself too much to settle for a piece of him. What I suggest is you tell him that you can no longer live a life of lies. You tell him to be honest with himself, his wife and you. If he is not in love with his wife (as I'm sure he wouldn't be in a R with you if he was), then he needs to be open with her and end it for both of their sakes. If he does end his marriage, he needs to be OUT of the house and living in his own before seeing you. My xMM couldn't afford to move out and professed his love for me but was not permitted to be OUT of the house alone (his wife knew about me). As time went on, and not able to take see each other, I became frustrated and had to end it due to his lack effort to move out of the house. He said he did make a promise to his wife and girls (youngest 19). He is likely feeling like the noble but in reality he is a coward. save yourself heartache. Live life openly and honestly. Expect your partner to do the same. That way, there will no be doubts to where you stand in each other's lives. 2
thefooloftheyear Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Leave his children? Huh? Leaving his wife doesn't equal leaving his kids if he has been a decent father. I left my marriage and I am still a mother. I don't buy that whole argument. Bottom line...he is unwilling to change his situation. The only card you have left to play is to walk away. Tell him you are done waiting and to only contact you in the future if he has changed his situation. Then go NC and work on filling your life up again. You'll probably miss him and you will be sad, but you will be okay. With all due respect, most men have less access to their kids after the divorce than women do-even if they have unlimited access and are good fathers...Its due to a variety of factors..One main factor is that he may have to move to find an apt(whereas many women remain in the marital home), and he may have to get a second job to make the alimony and child support payments..Its a real issue for many.. I do agree with your second point...He probably loves the OP, but not enough to completely blow his life up to be with her...Its a sad story and its far too common... TFY 1
whatatangledweb Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 I've been seeing a married man for over a year. He says he has never been so much in love. I love him so much as well, but he just won't leave his children. How long do I wait? I feel so stupid! Please help me move on. I know I deserve so much more! He tells me everything I want to hear. I feel like he has a grasp on me and I cannot let go! Unfortunately I think you would be waiting forever. He has told you he will not leave due to his kids. That won't change. I am sorry but I don't see this having the ending you want.
LilGirlandOW Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 If he says he wont leave cause of the kids then he means it. The only way he'll ever be yours alone is if and its a big IF BS kicks him out after a dday. Even then you'll probably be living with him during "the worst time of his life" and you'll have to deal with the emotional aftermath, yuk! ((hugs)) OP, I dont know how you do it, but you need to move on. At least appreciate he avoided all the future faking and was honest about it.
canuckprincess Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 I've been seeing a married man for over a year. He says he has never been so much in love. I love him so much as well, but he just won't leave his children. How long do I wait? I feel so stupid! Please help me move on. I know I deserve so much more! He tells me everything I want to hear. I feel like he has a grasp on me and I cannot let go! Please don't be like me, I've been waiting for close to 8 years, dday number 1 was almost 2 years ago and yet I still sit in limbo because I can't let him go and when I ask him to help me by going NC he refuses and I continue to wait. I think if I allow it he will sit on the fence for another 8 years. I love him and I know he loves me but he doesn't love me enough I guess. I wish you the strength to walk away because I know that is the healthy thing to do. 2
Grumpybutfun Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 OP: Please get some professional help to deal with this situation. It doesn't have to be forever, just until you have dealt with the emotional upheaval of this situation. When people are in emotional situations it is hard for them to see and do what is healthy for them. Good Luck, Grumps
Author legalgirl Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 Thank you ladies! I told him last night I was done. He said come by so we can talk. I told him there was nothing to discuss. He will just try to reel me back in. While it is painful I know its the right thing to do. Help me be strong! 1
canuckprincess Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Thank you ladies! I told him last night I was done. He said come by so we can talk. I told him there was nothing to discuss. He will just try to reel me back in. While it is painful I know its the right thing to do. Help me be strong! Your right he will attempt to reel you back in and trust me it's hard to resist their begging and possible tears. ((((Hugs))) to you stay strong.
cocorico Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 I've been seeing a married man for over a year. He says he has never been so much in love. I love him so much as well, but he just won't leave his children. How long do I wait? I feel so stupid! Please help me move on. I know I deserve so much more! He tells me everything I want to hear. I feel like he has a grasp on me and I cannot let go! Rs should not be about waiting. If you are not getting what you need *now*, there is no guarantee you will get that in the future. If you feel dissatisfied or short-changed in your R, whatever kind of R it is, it is not meeting your needs and you should not waste your time, energy and emotional investment.
Goodbye Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Thank you ladies! I told him last night I was done. He said come by so we can talk. I told him there was nothing to discuss. He will just try to reel me back in. While it is painful I know its the right thing to do. Help me be strong! Start filling your day with all the stuff you "back burnered" while in the A. Because of the secrecy involved in such relationships, often times friends and family are unintentionally neglected. Invest in the people around you and in yourself. Stay busy and do not give into the "but I still love you" bread crumbs. You gave him the clear message that there is NC while he is still married? Hang in there. Keep us posted on how you are doing.
canuckprincess Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 OP: Please get some professional help to deal with this situation. It doesn't have to be forever, just until you have dealt with the emotional upheaval of this situation. When people are in emotional situations it is hard for them to see and do what is healthy for them. Good Luck, Grumps If your referring to me, I've been seeing a therapist for almost 2 years and I'm pretty sure she now has to see a therapist after hearing my life story lol. I have dealt with it all and I'm still not completely nuts. 2
Speakingofwhich Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Legal, good for you! I am ten days into NC myself. One thing that helps me is to remind myself when I'm feeling weak that I really can't "get out of" this process. If I'm not going through it now I would go through it six months, a year, two years, whatever, down the road. Might as well get it over with. I don't want to spend my life as an OW. If his M doesn't work out, the love between the two of us will still be there and we can pick up where we left off. If they do stay together then I am that much better off in that I didn't add more years to our R. Here's another thought! God is very powerful and He can bring a man into our lives that we will love more than our MMs! It's hard to imagine we could love someone more than we love our MMs but we just have to trust God about it if we believe in Him!
Grumpybutfun Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 If your referring to me, I've been seeing a therapist for almost 2 years and I'm pretty sure she now has to see a therapist after hearing my life story lol. I have dealt with it all and I'm still not completely nuts. Re: Original Poster
canuckprincess Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Re: Original Poster Oh thank you I truly didn't know what op meant. But I do need to have my head examined.
Grumpybutfun Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Oh thank you I truly didn't know what op meant. But I do need to have my head examined. princess: Socrates said it best, "An unexamined life is not worth living." Sometimes it just helps to have a professional to help you see what is healthy as emotional decisions sometimes aren't helping us to stay our course of being whole and good to ourselves. Best, Grumps
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