shymsalabim Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 After browsing through to see if others have been in my situation, I decided I should just start a thread and tell my story by creating an account and join the conversation. Sorry this is long, and I'll appreciate any advice. My ex and I have known each other for years and very just friends for a very long time. We used to be in relationships with other people, but always had great chemistry together and tons of fun when we hung out. Last year I had just ended a relationship, and he and I started talking more, texting every day. At first it was just friendly, but eventually turned so flirtatious and we hung out so much that I told him I couldn't do it while he was in a relationship because I felt guilt towards his GF. He also knew it was wrong, but he dreaded breaking up with her because she was very dramatic. However, after I stopped answering his texts and declined seeing him, he realized it was the only way out. He broke up with her a couple of weeks after (they had been together for 2 years) and although people advised us to take some time to be single before we leaped into anything, we were so crazy about each other that we started dating right away. He literally went from sleeping next to one woman, to sleeping next to another. We spent every day together for 3 months, we were inseparable. He was happy, and talked about our future together. We both know each other's families from before, so everything just felt right. During the last month he would sometimes get weird and quiet, and when we finally talked about what was going on he had explained that his ex had contacted him, and after a few dramatic breakdowns on her part, he realized that he had been an as*hole to her in the way he ended the relationship and basically kicked her out of the apartment without any prior warning that he was unhappy in the relationship. She had called him and texted him and was very unhappy, which he felt responsible for. He kept quiet about her contacting him to not upset me, (because I was upset the first time he told me) but I felt it was shady and reminded me of the fact that he had texted me behind her back too when they were together. Even if the situations weren't the same, it brought up a lot of trust issues knowing I had seen the other side of the coin before. We hardly ever argued, but when we did it was about her contacting him and being needy. He felt guilty and for some reason had to make sure she was okay, even though he knew it was getting in the way of us. In the end we decided to take a break because I was sick of talking about her and sick of feeling like I wasn't being prioritized. Mainly, also because I realized he wasn't nearly as ready to be in a new relationship as he claimed. After a few weeks, I told him that I couldn't be with him as long as there were any strings tying him to his past, because it would always create issues between us. We have a lot of mutual good friends whom I've avoided seeing in the past 4 months we've been apart, because I knew odds were high that he was there. This past month he contacted me for the first time in 4 months because our best friends are getting married, and we are planning their bachelor/bachelorette parties and needed to discuss things regarding that. During this we started talking again. At first I was very angry and only responded to him out of utmost necessity, I didn't want to participate in any unnecessary conversation. Slowly, we've been talking a lot more, and he has apologized for the way he handled things and told me that he is deeply sorry. He told me that his ex has finally moved on and she is in the past and won't bother us again if I decide to give it another chance. He also told me that letting me go was the biggest regret of his life and he is willing to be my friend until I am ready to trust him enough to let him into my life again. I don't want to be naive, and I don't want to be hurt again. I realize that as much as I thought I was over him (NC works miracles that way) talking to him and seeing him again proved there are still a lot of feelings left between us. Does anyone believe there is a chance to work things out and to regain the lost trust second time around, or is it a lost cause?
Mariposa10 Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Of course it's really bad you guys started having a relationship right after he broke up with his ex. It was also really bad that you were flirting with him when he was in a relationship (he also pretty much cheated on her with your too)... I don't see why you wouldn't give him another chance. Why don't you guys try to be friends, maybe start dating in the future? I would take things slowly. I would see a problem if he had gotten back with his ex, which he didn't, right?
Author shymsalabim Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 I guess you could classify it as cheating, but I always made sure we didn't cross that line of anything physical happening while they were together, and ended conversations when I felt they were too flirty. I absolutely hate cheating, and believe me I felt very guilty about the fact that we were talking behind her back, which is why I made him choose before things got too complicated. No, they didn't get back together after we broke up.There was nothing romantic left towards her from his side, but I guess he felt like he owed her something because he had dumped her harshly and hadn't dealt with the situation as well as he could have. I'm afraid of going into it with him again, because I felt like he didn't respect my feelings when I asked him to let her be in the past instead of trying to help her "heal". He seems genuinely apologetic and sincere, but can you really trust someone who prioritized his ex' feelings instead of yours?
darkmoon Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 I would be wary too, date others, discreetly, and him too, not either or, you do not have to drop him and lose him, just take each day as it comes, you not want to be his next victim that needs healing - is he worth it?
OPL86 Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Did he talk to any other girls in the last couple months or start dating anyone else? Perhaps I didn't read your message closely enough, but how long were you guys together before the initial split?
Author shymsalabim Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 Thanks for your comments guys. I am seeing a co-worker whom I actually thought I was very fond of, but it sort of fell into the background once I established contact with my ex again. I haven't told my ex that I'm seeing someone else because it doesn't concern him at this point, however the fact that I even created this thread makes it pretty evident that I'm in doubt. @darkmoon - I actually think he is worth it. We have an amazing connection and chemistry. I'm starting to think that maybe what happened is both of our faults for jumping into a relationship before he and his ex had proper closure. 1
OPL86 Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Sorry - I was curious if HE has dated anyone else in this time? The ex or anyone else for that matter? Dated/hooked up. How did you go from one phone call to discuss the wedding to him wanting to try again? Based on what you've said so far, I think you should absolutely give him a chance. In a weird way, I almost respect him for caring about how he treated his ex in the end? So often when people dump someone (and especially when they have someone new), they drop the dumpee like a hot potato and stop caring about them even just as a person with whom they shared a lot of history (2 years is a long time too). He may very well have had some lingering feelings for her at the end - I think that's only natural after such a long relationship and he probably did need the time to sort out what he felt. 1
Author shymsalabim Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 (edited) @OPL86 From what he and our mutual friends have told me, he hasn't seen anyone else in the 4 months we've been apart. We were together for 3 months only, but it got very serious very quickly. It started deteriorating when his ex started contacting him again and he felt responsible for her well being. We didn't go from one conversation, it's been ongoing for a few weeks. It started with only talking about wedding stuff, to him asking me how I've been and slowly building conversation from there. Edited September 6, 2013 by shymsalabim
Author shymsalabim Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 To follow up on this, I went out with my ex and our friends Saturday night. I had a great time and talked and danced to a few guys. I genuinely enjoyed myself and didn't even think about the fact that my ex was there. I was polite to him but I didn't go out of my way to talk. One guy got a little too close to me and tried to kiss me, and while I was pulling away, my ex saw this and in a matter of seconds he was there and grabbed this poor guy and removed him aggressively. He told me it kills him to see me flirting with other men. He knows he's hurt me and he wishes he could erase these past months and go back to when everything was amazing between us. He said that unfortunately at that time he thought he knew what he was doing and was only trying to do right by everyone. This whole scene he caused was completely unnecessary and made me feel like maybe it's best to stay away from him for the time being.
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