Marriage over before it began?

[johnny1968]

Hello, I stumbled on this site while surfing the web for divorce resources.

I just signed up, and I thought I'd throw out this question to see if anyone has opinions?

I'm stumped.....

Let me explain.

I'm 35 and my wife is 32.

I have no kids and she has a little girl (10) that she's raised by herself for that entire time.

My wife and I were married on September 25th of this year. (Yes, like 6-7 weeks ago.)

She told me a few days ago that she made a mistake and wants a divorce.

The next morning she actually went out and signed a 1 year lease on a new apartment even before we had a chance to talk through any of the issues!

 

Several times during our engagement she wanted to back out of the wedding, but each time I would reassure her of my love for her; she would realize that she loves me too, and I would "reel" her back in time and again.

 

I thought certianly that what she had during that engagement time was a simple case of classic "cold feet".

I love her more than words can express, and I'm 100% sure that she loves me too.

However, during our honeymoon she started a massive fight and actually slapped me on the second night of our honeymoon.

Needless to say, THAT threw a real damper on my feelings for her as a life long partner, and on my hopes and dreams for the future.

 

Over the past 6 weeks, (since the second night of our marriage) she's had terrible mood swings where one day she's happy and singing, and the next day she looks for reasons to start fights.

There are times when she's very level headed and reasonable, then...... she can spin right around and become completely irrational about everything she says and does.

 

I'm running into dead end after dead end in trying to reason why she's acted this way.

I swear to God, I've done everything in my power to treat this woman like a Princess.

But over the past couple of weeks, I've been under constant attack from her, and it has been all that I can do to defend myself emotionally, let alone giving her the "honeymoon experience".

Now she says that we haven't had a proper "honeymoon" therefore she want's to divorce.

(This is the 4th time she's said she wants a divorce by the way.)

 

3 days ago she told me that she didn't want a divorce any more than I did.

She then stated that our marriage may have a chance if I agree to seperate .....get this.....FOR ONE FULL YEAR!!!

 

We've only been married for 6 weeks for Christ's sake!!

 

All of this has hit me really hard.

When I found out that she ran out and leased an apartment, I lost all trust in her.

 

Is this not the craziest thing????

 

Now, she's going around to her family and friends and accusing ME of doing to her, the very things she's done to me.

 

I'm thinking that I should start the divorce and get it over with.

 

Thanks for any input.

[Merin]

Good God!

 

I'm so very sorry you're in this situation.. W w!

 

You know I wish I had something to offer you here that would make you feel any better.. she needs professional help. Is she willing to try counseling? OR perhaps seek medical attention to see if she has BPD? She's got some problems.. that based on what you've said are not logically explainable..

 

Good Luck..

 

And the part about seperating for a year? Hell nah! She either wants to be married or she doesn't.. as you've said, the two of you JUST got married.

[johnny1968]

Originally posted by Merin2

Good God!

 

I'm so very sorry you're in this situation.. W w!

 

You know I wish I had something to offer you here that would make you feel any better.. she needs professional help. Is she willing to try counseling? OR perhaps seek medical attention to see if she has BPD? She's got some problems.. that based on what you've said are not logically explainable..

 

Good Luck..

 

And the part about seperating for a year? Hell nah! She either wants to be married or she doesn't.. as you've said, the two of you JUST got married.

 

I swear to God it's all true.

She just got home.

Now she's telling people that I'm abusing her!!!!

 

This is just bad, bad, bad.......

 

I forgot to emphasise that she ran out and signed a 1 year lease on an apartment last Wednesday, even before we could talk about things.

I've lost all trust.

My heart breaks at the realization at what she's done to kill our marriage even before it started.

[Merin]

Originally posted by johnny1968

I swear to God it's all true.

She just got home.

Now she's telling people that I'm abusing her!!!!

 

This is just bad, bad, bad.......

 

Johnny.. seriously IF she won't get some counseling and some help.. I would get the hell out of this.

[johnny1968]

Originally posted by Merin2

Johnny.. seriously IF she won't get some counseling and some help.. I would get the hell out of this.

 

Thank you for your advice Merin.

You are the 5th or 6th person who has suggested a mental disorder. (Or drug abuse.)

I'm fairly certian that no drugs are involved.

 

I'm quickly getting over the emotional devistation of it all.

Though this will surely hurt badly for a long time.

 

Part of me is angry at myself for not being smart enough to see the warning signs while we dated.

I honestly though that she was just an overly sensitive, mixed up person who simply needed the stability of a loving marriage (and husband to lean on) to make all things right in her world.

 

The other part of me is angry with her for being incapable of reasoning and rationality.

 

I would love the chance to rule out a mental disorder.

Everyone I know as close friends and family have suggested as much.

I hope that by turning to this web board, someone may have another explanation?

 

If there is another explanation, maybe, just maybe I can figure out something I'm missing big time.

Then I can correct it before we divorce.

 

I'm sure that anyone reading this board can tell that I'm desperately seeking an alternative answer.

I really do love this woman.

[SoleMate]

Yes, mental disorder. Almost by definition. Healthy people do not behave in the way you described. This is very sad, but I am afraid you cannot control her or her behavior, you can only control what you do. It is crazy making to try to "make sense" out of the behavior of a mentally ill person.

 

My only question for you is: How long were you dating her? (Not long enough to really understand her fully, I guess.) I am glad you realize that you may have had some romantically mistaken notions about how your love would straighten her out. You may have been a victim of the "damsel in distress" syndrome, whereby you are interested in a troubled woman because she "needs" you to make her whole. Advice for next time: Seek a woman who is psychologically healthy, date her for at least 1 year, make sure you meet all her friends and family and spend lots of time with them, and make sure you see her in many different settings and environments. Test/observe her to see how she reacts to stress of various sorts.

 

As far as this marriage goes...I am sorry to say that there is just no stable foundation to think of "rebuilding" on. If you were married for 10 years, and had children together, and she became mentally ill and unstable, I would recommend you making serious effort for at LEAST a year before considering divorce. But here we have a marriage that dropped dead off the starting block. Call it quits ASAP. And my profound sympathy on seeing your hopes and dreams go up in smoke.

[Gatsby]

Why are actions we don't understand automatcally associated with a mental illness. Does she have emotional problems? Absolutely. All she is doing is trying to transfer her guilt to you. You had to talk her into getting married when she made it obvious she wanted out. Now she is manufacturing reasons to leave that shift that burden to you. She comes out looking like the victim.

 

If she's caiming abuse, you need to talk to an atty. Find out what your options are. Some states have laws specific to short term marriages. Might be a reason she wants you to wait a year.

 

Sorry I can't give you a rosy outlook and false hope. Sometimes the reality is one person just doesn't want to be with another. And, really, should you have to convince someone to love you?

[bluechocolate]

Several times during our engagement she wanted to back out of the wedding, but each time I would reassure her of my love for her; she would realize that she loves me too, and I would "reel" her back in time and again.

 

However, during our honeymoon she started a massive fight and actually slapped me on the second night of our honeymoon.

 

Now she says that we haven't had a proper "honeymoon" therefore she want's to divorce.

(This is the 4th time she's said she wants a divorce by the way.)

 

Now she's telling people that I'm abusing her!!!!

 

 

I'm sorry, but I think you need to end this marriage ASAP. Don't wait for her to get the divorce papers - go & get them yourself.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Gatsby .....

If she's claiming abuse, you need to talk to an atty. Find out what your options are. Some states have laws specific to short term marriages. Might be a reason she wants you to wait a year.

 

I'd have to wonder if I were you why she wants to keep you dangling for a year. There very well could be some legal reason for this. If it were me, and she's already signed a one-year lease for an apartment....I'd be making an appointment with my lawyer ASAP.

 

Sorry

[johnny1968]

I'd be making an appointment with my lawyer ASAP.

 

 

I already have. The appointment is for December 2nd.

 

Thank you to everyone here who basically confirmed exactly what all of my friends and family have said.

 

Of course, I'm objective, and I know that people who are close to me personally may give me advice that's slanted to what I need to hear.

So....it's reassuring to hear the same things from folks I've never met before.

 

There are some really smart folks on this board.

Thank you all!

 

-- Johnny

[debs]

[font=courier new][/font] Johnny My Heart goes out to you with the turmoil your going through.

 

My short marriage ended with a twist, he left after I found out he had another female he had connected with at work. We married in Dec 2003, I gave him his ultimatum Jan 25, 2004; her or me! Then he moved out March 9, 2004.

 

My divorce was final the 19th of November 2004. I burned the chapter of this marriage and relationship. My ex turned out to be a career looser, a blatant liar and all of his so called love for me a total farce.

 

I am out of it and I can say it was no picnic but I never knew just how depressed I was until he left.

 

Am I hurt for the betrayal? All the lies and the schemes he tried to get money even after he left, OH YES!

 

But I am a strong lady and resourceful. I will live I will love again and my dreams remain intact.

 

So know in time you too will heal! You will find your footing! You will learn to trust and love again.

 

I lived through this scenario, even when it felt like my heart was sliced and dead.

 

Happiness comes from within. I want a relationship that enhances my happiness. I want to be top dog in a man's life and I will not settle for second best! I will never tolerate infidelity, ever. There are no solid reasons for ever being unfaithful. If it comes to that decision ppl should get out of the relationship then go their merry way!

 

I have been reading posts for months now and it is time to speak out and help those who are hurting and to try to guide them to some peace and harmony!!