RonaldS Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Yesterday, we finalized. I started to write a big long thing, but I will spare you the pointless blow-by-blow. We only communicate via text and email (my edict...every time we would have a conversation, it would turn into 2 hours of digging up every grievance front the last 14 years) and she did not know I was going to be there. Afterward, she followed me out of the courtroom and was thanking me for showing up. Apparently, I didn't give her the response she was looking for, and she got all huffy and hurt. I went into the bathroom, came out and she was sitting there with her friend and staring at me. I didn't acknowledge her, and turned the corner to go to the elevators. As the elevator door was closing, she and her friend came around the corner. The door closed, I went down and then left the building. I sat down on a bench outside and was texting her about wanting to pick the kids up from school while I was in town. She then came out of the building, and sat down next to me. Out of frigging nowhere, she starts rambling on and on about how can we repair our relationship and how she wants to be friends and asking me what I want, in a perfect world, if I could have anything I wanted, what would it be, and how she's grown and changed and now, now she wants us to go into counseling and work all of our issues out. What. The. F*ck. Why? Why in the world would she pull this sh*t? Why now? We've had 3 years where we could have done that. Why, on the day our marriage is ended, does she choose to corner me and come out with all of this bullsh*t about how we're going to be in each other's lives forever and we should work our issues out and build a new relationship? Why? It's such a complete joke. Will she ever stop asking things of me? The f*cking audacity. I have given myself completely to this woman, and I never asked for anything, nor did I really receive anything, in return. How stupid does she think I am? She kept asking me what outcome I hoped for. I wasn't ready to be cornered and roped into a conversation with her, so I didn't know what to say. I told that i would always be there for her, but that I'm not going to cultivate and nurture another one-sided relationship. I told her I'm done chasing her around, and that if she can figure out how to give and reciprocate in a relationship, and how to communicate in a meaningful way, that I would always be there for her. But I was not going to run around trying to maintain any sort of relationship with her and that I've learned to not have any expectations of her. She said she understood, and then tried to shake my hand like we just closed on a house or something. That was sort of offensive to me, and I said, 'I'm not going to shake your hand', and as I turned to walk away, she gave me a hug. We hugged for probably 30 seconds. I don't get it. I really don't get it. What the hell. Today has maybe been one of the worst days in the last 14 years. Why would she pull that sh*t?
littlejaz Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 I just wanted to say that I feel for you. What else could one say? WOW. The things my STBXH does just keeps my head shaking. What the ****? seems to be my motto right now. I just don't get him. We just had a hearing where he was objecting to his attorney withdrawing from his case. Now who makes their attorney mad enough to quit the case and then wants a judge to make him stay on. Would you really want an attorney on those conditions? I haven't gone back and read your previous posts yet, but after 3 years, she picks your court date to decide you might be able to work it out. My advice is RUN as fast as you can in the opposite direction. Stay strong.
Author RonaldS Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 I just wanted to say that I feel for you. What else could one say? WOW. The things my STBXH does just keeps my head shaking. What the ****? seems to be my motto right now. I just don't get him. We just had a hearing where he was objecting to his attorney withdrawing from his case. Now who makes their attorney mad enough to quit the case and then wants a judge to make him stay on. Would you really want an attorney on those conditions? I haven't gone back and read your previous posts yet, but after 3 years, she picks your court date to decide you might be able to work it out. My advice is RUN as fast as you can in the opposite direction. Stay strong. I would love to run, but there's no where to run to. We have 3 young kids. We live 250 miles apart, but because of the situation we're stuck in, I end up having to stay with her when I go back to see the kids. I don't understand any of it. I was not ready for that. We have really not spoken in almost 4 months. Where in the hell did that come from. I highly doubt, in fact, I'm absolutely certain, that she wants nothing to do with working anything out. She has been seeing a guy for about a year, and I'm pretty sure they'll end up getting married. So, I don't know what she wants or why she wants to be friends.
Author RonaldS Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 Honestly, I feel like I just got kicked in the gut. I really thought I would feel better once it was over, but I don't even feel like the same person anymore. I feel like a big part of me died.
littlejaz Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Again I feel for you. I am lucky in that we have no kids in the middle of our mess. All you can do is stay strong and rebuild your life without her. Best of luck to you.
Author RonaldS Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 Thanks you guys. I appreciate the input. I don't know what to do. When it came to our relationship, I gave and I gave and I gave to her for 14 years, and really got nothing in return. I guess there's just nothing left in me...nothing left to give. But at the same time, I do love her, and she is the mother of my kids. At this point, I just want to write her a letter and just say 'Hey, that's cool that you want to repair our relationship and get counseling and repair the damage, but there's just nothing left in me. I am confident that you will become the incredible woman I always knew you could be, and I wish you well as you continue on your journey.'
WantAMajorChange Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 Thanks you guys. I appreciate the input. I don't know what to do. When it came to our relationship, I gave and I gave and I gave to her for 14 years, and really got nothing in return. I guess there's just nothing left in me...nothing left to give. But at the same time, I do love her, and she is the mother of my kids. At this point, I just want to write her a letter and just say 'Hey, that's cool that you want to repair our relationship and get counseling and repair the damage, but there's just nothing left in me. I am confident that you will become the incredible woman I always knew you could be, and I wish you well as you continue on your journey.' It sounds like she wanted a divorce but wasnt ready to deal with it. I hope you become stronger and wiser thru this.
Author RonaldS Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 It sounds like she wanted a divorce but wasnt ready to deal with it. I hope you become stronger and wiser thru this. I don't understand how she could she not be ready to deal with it. We've been separated and living in different states for 3 years. She has been seeing another man for the last year. Not saying you're not right, but that just doesn't make sense to me. In all of the times I offered to work on things or help her get through the pain or go to counseling, she would always say, 'I don't even want to del with this right now'. For years, she has pushed away. And now this? What a joke!
Oberfeldwebel Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 You are looking for logic in an illogical situation. Yes she wanted a divorce, has a new man, new relationship, possible marriage. However, in ending your relationship she is the bad person that she doesn't like to see in herself. I highly doubt that she had any intention of counseling and working out a relationship from you. What she wanted was you to say everything is alright and she can tell herself that it is just one of those things. It really doesn't matter as she will absolve herself of any wrong doing anyway. The relationship with your wife is over........dead. You will continue to mourn this for awhile, but need to eventually move on with your life. You also need to build a new relationship with the mother of your children. Don't bring up old relationship issues, they are dead, draw a line in the sand and start new from there. Decisions need to be based on the best interest of the children....period. No need to hug, shake hands, just deal with the business at hand. You may want to consider closing the distance gap between the two households after everything settles down. It is understandable that you are a little down right now, but just remember it is also there is a Brave New World out there. 1
Author RonaldS Posted September 7, 2013 Author Posted September 7, 2013 You are looking for logic in an illogical situation. Yes she wanted a divorce, has a new man, new relationship, possible marriage. However, in ending your relationship she is the bad person that she doesn't like to see in herself. I highly doubt that she had any intention of counseling and working out a relationship from you. What she wanted was you to say everything is alright and she can tell herself that it is just one of those things. It really doesn't matter as she will absolve herself of any wrong doing anyway. The relationship with your wife is over........dead. You will continue to mourn this for awhile, but need to eventually move on with your life. You also need to build a new relationship with the mother of your children. Don't bring up old relationship issues, they are dead, draw a line in the sand and start new from there. Decisions need to be based on the best interest of the children....period. No need to hug, shake hands, just deal with the business at hand. You may want to consider closing the distance gap between the two households after everything settles down. It is understandable that you are a little down right now, but just remember it is also there is a Brave New World out there. I'm not looking for logic. I understand that logic does not exist in these situations. What I would like to know is why she keeps pulling stuff like this. I told her in May that anything that needed to be communicated could be done through text or email. Call if there is an emergency. Since that point, I have not talked to her. But she continually corners me and tries to talk to me. I pick up the kids and she's in my face trying to have conversations. When I have to go to her house, she tries to get me to talk to her. Earlier in the summer, I had to ride back there with a girl I know. So, I was at my xw's place, and this girl pulled up to pick me up, and that was a whole big drama where my XW went to bed at like 7:30 and then her parents were peering out the window to see who was picking me up. Then we have an event for our daughter, and my XW is just stating at me and smiling, and the she walks over to have me hold her jacket. I'm standing there holding her jacket thinking 'WTF am I holding her jacket for?'. And then I've got her mom and her friends sending me messages saying I need to be a friend to her, and then my ex saying 'We're going to be heavily involved with each other for the rest of our lives, so we need to be friends'. I don't have any interest. I just want to be left alone. Her perfect world involves moving on, having her new guy, and then have me on the sidelines as somebody she can have some special, deep relationship with, where we have some unbreakable bond and I will always be there for her. She wants her cake and wants to eat it, too. I don't want that. I want to be left alone. I have zero desire to be her friend or partner. It's 2013....it's incredibly easy to communicate everything that needs to be communicated via text and email, and I'm more than ok with that. But I feel like she won't respect my wishes and is going to keep trying to corner me.
Mystery2Me Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 (edited) Hello RS! I am so sorry that you find yourself here post-divorce. My own divorce was finalized just about 3 wks ago, so completely understand that aspect of what you experienced in the court room. On to your issue with her behavior, that is her way of handling things....AND now that you are divorced (a.k.a. Self-Employed) alone get to choose how you will handle it. It is the next level of acceptance, just like you had find a way to live and accept that the divorce was going to happen (You mentioned she was behaving the same).....You are going to have to find a way to live being officially divorced. Trust me I am struggling too. Bottom line you have a right a happy life, and if that does not agree with her and her families idea...then to HELL with that...it is YOUR life. The Queen abandoned the kingdom, no more power in your life. This is going to mean people are not going to agree with you and they will be disappointed, but isn't this what you have dealing with a life change that you did not agree with. It is time she and family, had to grow up just like you did. ~She had better watch-out there's a new sheriff in town, Mr. Single Ronald S!! Edited September 7, 2013 by Mystery2Me 1
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