dumped and want him back...

[BC1980]

I actually wondered why he didn't unfriend me - I mean he broke up with me. I know now from talking to others that his invite to get together and talk and to remain in his life was essentially for his own guilt. He was literally my best friend for a year and a half so there is a giant loss in my heart right now. We didn't fight or have issues - I think he just wasn't emotionally mature enough to handle the next step. I took all our pictures down and any posts that included him. He chose to leave everything up which I found odd since he dumped me. I am really going to think about your advice and try to pull the trigger and do it. My friend said to me if you unfriended him you do know if you ever wanted to be friends with him again he'd accept that friendship.

 

Unfriend him. The hard things are the right things sometimes. The hardest decision I made was to go NC with a man who was undecided about our future. I thought about it for weeks, but I knew I had to do it. You might be surprised at how much better you feel.

[lylat333]

My friend said to me if you unfriended him you do know if you ever wanted to be friends with him again he'd accept that friendship.

 

Good for you to think about doing something that is difficult.

 

You got a reaction from him when you unfriended his mom which I think is very telling. It shows he does care and dumpers do a lot to try and relieve their own guilt and make themselves feel better about their decisions. What better way to make a dumper feel better than the dumpee being happy to remain friends?

 

The funny thing is that actually makes you more attractive to the dumper. But it is for you and you alone to go NC.

 

You might be surprised at how much better you feel.

 

Totally agree w/ BC1980. Another thing to consider is that the dumper probably doesn't even know how they would really feel if they were to be unfriended/blocked. Especially true in this case because he's had little experience in relationships. There are things you think you will be OK w/ as a dumper/dumpee when you think of them in passing, but it's amazing how strong of an impact things have when they actually happen.

[nasc88]

I have been NC. A few days after he broke up with me (after messaging me every day) he offered to come over and talk. I asked what it would change - and basically got nothing as a response. I had plans w/my girlfriends for dinner that night and told him so and didn't want it to be ruined. I said we shouldn't talk for a few days and then perhaps if he still wanted to meet we could. So like clockwork on Sunday night he sent me a message that said hi. He just wanted to see how my weekend was. I didn't respond and the next day I said to him that although it was one of the hardest things I've ever done he needed to stop contacting me. That he chose to end the relationship and I needed to heal and his messages were confusing to me and gave me false hope. I wanted a relationship and couldn't be his friend. Blah blah blah. So he responded he was sorry to put me in that position, that he couldn't feel any worse and that his door was always open and he would always care about me. He has respected my wishes and not contacted me except for the response to my accidentally like. He has been about two weeks of NC and three weeks since he broke up with me. I'm just heartbroken and miss him so much.

[lylat333]

Hmm, I see. I remember you posting about this... I know that in one of the NC guides I saw you tell your ex not to contact you unless they want to talk about reconciling. Does he know this? If not it would be confusing for someone to hope you contact them even though they told you not to.

 

So he responded he was sorry to put me in that position, that he couldn't feel any worse and that his door was always open and he would always care about me.

Blah, I don't like lines like that, don't really buy it.

 

As long as he knows the door is open for him if he wants a relationship, you're fine. Beyond that I will stress again I really, really think you should unfriend/block him on Facebook. Not only do I think it would actually be a relief for you, it will pull you out of this dead-end dynamic you've been in. I don't think it will hurt anything... you'll see where his true feelings lie.

[nasc88]

I told him that I wanted a relationship and he did not and I couldn't be friends so being in touch was too confusing for me. I don't think I need to outline any more than that - that he should contact me if he changes his mind - I think that is pretty clear. He knows exactly where I stand. I agree with unfriending him - I really do - but it is just so tough and it just seems so final. I know it is best though. A friend of mine had been through this and said don't unfriend him - just keep your own posts like and show that you're enjoying yourself - that it is the best medicine. Neither of us are very active on FB but I guess you're right - just knowing the other is there is too much.

[lylat333]

Good to know you feel confident he knows where you stand.

 

My strategy up until yesterday was the same as what your friend described - I didn't want to unfriend/block and focused on doing good, healthy things and would share some of it on Facebook. I hiked at a lot of new places, went to new parks, uploaded lots of great, beautiful pictures... crushed my previous 5K best (my ex was always really supportive of my running and I helped her get into it). Got a haircut, bought new clothes, did stuff with family... I put up how I am about to get new carpet, showed a picture of my living room after we took up all of the old carpet/padding so she knows I have great things going on - but none of it was ever good enough to get her to contact me. I really don't think there's anything you can do on FB to make your ex contact you... I started to feel like I could save children from a burning building but she would have too much pride to contact me.

 

Truth is I doubt your ex wants to feel anything "final" either which is why a decision like this is so powerful, but in a good way. Like I said it's what it takes for them to really come to terms with how they feel. Now I think that silence and mystery for my ex is more powerful than anything positive I could have ever put up. Before she didn't have to wonder what I was up to, it was pretty much all right there. She still may not contact me... I know that's a possibility but it won't cause me to regret my decision.

Edited September 10, 2013 by lylat333

[BC1980]

I told him that I wanted a relationship and he did not and I couldn't be friends so being in touch was too confusing for me. I don't think I need to outline any more than that - that he should contact me if he changes his mind - I think that is pretty clear. He knows exactly where I stand. I agree with unfriending him - I really do - but it is just so tough and it just seems so final. I know it is best though. A friend of mine had been through this and said don't unfriend him - just keep your own posts like and show that you're enjoying yourself - that it is the best medicine. Neither of us are very active on FB but I guess you're right - just knowing the other is there is too much.

 

You showed backbone. That actually gives you the best chance at reconciling down the line. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who is weak. It's hard because to show that strength, you have to really let the person go and know you will be okay without them. Otherwise, even if they did come back, it would be unhealthy.

 

It took me 4 months to go NC for myself (and not as some game to get him back) and really admit that I felt, in my heart, the relationship was done at that point (about 2 weeks ago now). It hurt so much, and this past weekend was hard for me. But I just had to show some backbone, and it was really all for me in the end. I know this is the most healthy way to approach things. If he ever did come back, it would be more healthy. If he never comes back, I am okay with that too. We did leave the door open to a possible reconciliation, but I am not not worried about that right now because I can't live in limbo land.

[BC1980]

Truth is I doubt your ex wants to feel anything "final" either which is why a decision like this is so powerful, but in a good way. Like I said it's what it takes for them to really come to terms with how they feel. Now I think that silence and mystery for my ex is more powerful than anything positive I could have ever put up. Before she didn't have to wonder what I was up to, it was pretty much all right there.

 

I realized my ex would never make a final decision, so I had to be the one to do it. Instead of issuing an ultimatum, I just went NC. He was really surprised by that:-) I don't think he thought I had it in me.

 

I do think the silence works much more to your advantage. Once I stopped contacting my ex, it took a few weeks. Then, he would contact me every 2-3 days, wanting to meet up or asking how things were going. I was totally amazed that he never let up with his communication, but it was because I was silent on the other end. He is still undecided, and I get that. I respect it, but respecting his feelings doesn't mean I have to stick around and hold his hand as he goes through them. I had been doing that for a year and a half, and I was sick of it. I'm not babysitting his feelings and indecisiveness anymore.

[nasc88]

Thanks. I know I need to do it and will find the strength to do it. It just seems so final. I have been NC for 3 weeks (except for my accidental message) but I guess you're right knowing they are there is like a crutch.

[nasc88]

You showed backbone. That actually gives you the best chance at reconciling down the line. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who is weak. It's hard because to show that strength, you have to really let the person go and know you will be okay without them. Otherwise, even if they did come back, it would be unhealthy.

 

It took me 4 months to go NC for myself (and not as some game to get him back) and really admit that I felt, in my heart, the relationship was done at that point (about 2 weeks ago now). It hurt so much, and this past weekend was hard for me. But I just had to show some backbone, and it was really all for me in the end. I know this is the most healthy way to approach things. If he ever did come back, it would be more healthy. If he never comes back, I am okay with that too. We did leave the door open to a possible reconciliation, but I am not not worried about that right now because I can't live in limbo land.

 

I guess that is my issue - hope that someday he would change his mind but I think he was just so unsure/scared of committing that he will never come back to me.

[nasc88]

I'm probably repeating myself and have had several posts over the website. My BF of a year and a half broke up with me just under a month ago. I finally had the nerve to go NC a week after he broke up with me. He offered to meet a few days after we broke up to talk but really what would have changed? So I said no. I accidentally sent a message (this has been debated how accidental) on Sunday that was the Like sign on FB. I said sorry - didn't mean to do that and he said OK, no worries. Hope all is well. Now my question is...is there any chance that he is at home missing me? I want to win him back. We were best friends and really got along so well. I was his first real relationship (that I know of) and he's 36. It seems to me that he got scared and realized he wasn't going to be able to commit. Do guys change their minds after a few months and realize they miss the woman and see how much better off they were with the GF than without? NC is the way to go right? All I want to do is message him and say Hi and see what he is up to. Why is this so darn hard?

[Cali408]

Honey, you need to forget about him. You're doing great with no contact. Unfriend him, better yet, get off facebook. Don't look him up. Just accept that the situation is hopeless. You are doing all the right things. Getting out, NC, have you tried a meetup?

 

You don't want him back, because if he's pulling the plug when you think things are great, what makes you think that he won't do it again.

 

NASC=MCLA Knowing you went there, gives you my 100% support.

[Jonson]

If he liked you or loved you, he could be missing you. He might be confused and thinking about what he really wants. If you don't talk over time, and if he still loves you he will miss you. Sometimes people don't share what there real feelings are, or don't know what they really want so they become distant. Some are shallow and don't care if they hurt someone, they are the ones who sleep around never settle down. People have there own reasons for dating someone, and the other person might think they love them, but it can be a lie or front.

 

If he loves or cares he will get back to you, but it could take time maybe he needs to be without you to sort out his real feelings.

[nasc88]

Honey, you need to forget about him. You're doing great with no contact. Unfriend him, better yet, get off facebook. Don't look him up. Just accept that the situation is hopeless. You are doing all the right things. Getting out, NC, have you tried a meetup?

 

You don't want him back, because if he's pulling the plug when you think things are great, what makes you think that he won't do it again.

 

NASC=MCLA Knowing you went there, gives you my 100% support.

 

A meet up with who?

I've been doing anything anyone asked me - trying to get out and get back on track as much as possible. I just keep having the "what if" played over and over again in my head and it's hard to shut off!

 

Can I ask you what: NASC=MCLA means?

[Cali408]

north adams state.

 

Meetup dot com. there are get togethers for people with common interests. in regard to yourself, stop playing the day dreaming game. when you find yourself doing it stop.

[nasc88]

If he liked you or loved you, he could be missing you. He might be confused and thinking about what he really wants. If you don't talk over time, and if he still loves you he will miss you. Sometimes people don't share what there real feelings are, or don't know what they really want so they become distant. Some are shallow and don't care if they hurt someone, they are the ones who sleep around never settle down. People have there own reasons for dating someone, and the other person might think they love them, but it can be a lie or front.

 

If he loves or cares he will get back to you, but it could take time maybe he needs to be without you to sort out his real feelings.

 

Thanks. He is a really good guy and I think he just can't commit to anything and the thought of his life changing is too much. He said it was nothing I did and he can't help the way he feels. I think the fact that he kept reaching out to me throwing me breadcrumbs after we broke up was because he felt guilty. He said he was having doubts and if he stayed in the relationship it would be half heartily. We had made plans for that night and the following weekend so I said to him - why did you do that if you were planning on breaking up with me. I don't think he was planning on doing it but I forced him to talk because I couldn't accept the way he was acting (cold, rude - I kept asking what I did to annoy him). He told me "nothing" and then I made him talk. I guess I just feel like if I didn't make him talk to me maybe we'd still be together and working things out - well I guess he'd be working things out because it seems like they were his issues. When he got let go of his job last year I was the first one he called. When he was job searching he would call me and ask my opinion. I guess I'm just lost because we seemed to be headed in the right direction.

[barky2]

Please read my thread on here.

 

Every single question you have is answered there.

 

Its harsh, it gets to the point...but you'll thank me later.

 

 

 

 

 

Barky

[nasc88]

I read it - thanks. I guess I'm just hoping for something that isn't going to happen.

[barky2]

Your in the bean too huh?

 

The min u accept your reality right now, thats the first day of recovery.

 

 

 

 

Barky

[nasc88]

I am in the Bean...getting ready for the Pats to beat the Jets tonight! Shane Vereen killed my fantasy team! Eight games! Yikes!

 

I know. I am trying. I just don't know how to give up that hope. Does that make sense? I told someone I wish we had a throw down drag out fight or something so I could hate him instead of just questioning all the time why he couldn't do it.

[barky2]

He broke his wrist first play of the game lol

 

Its not easy to throw away hope, sure I know it all too well.

 

" he's not coming back, screw it....his loss"

 

The minute you start getting down say that phrase....you should after awhile feel a sense of relief.

 

 

 

Barky

[barky2]

Ill give you advice like id give my sister.

 

Go out for the game tonight.

 

Grab a girlfriend or something

 

Go to hurricanes, north star, or greatest bar in Copley.

 

Plenty of guys out willing to buy you a drink

 

 

 

Barky

[nasc88]

He broke his wrist first play of the game lol

 

Its not easy to throw away hope, sure I know it all too well.

 

" he's not coming back, screw it....his loss"

 

The minute you start getting down say that phrase....you should after awhile feel a sense of relief.

 

 

 

Barky

 

he did but he still managed to get me 24 points! so much for being the next up and coming RB for the league.

 

I'm trying - I really really am. I just feel like at my age I didn't just loose a best friend/boyfriend but I lost my future. I was picturing houses and kids and apparently he was trying to get away. Just sucks. Plain and simple.

[barky2]

I just rattled off a few bars that will have a bunch of people there tonight a few posts up since the game is on...I highly suggest it

 

 

I want you to reread what you just wrote.

 

You were looking at houses kids ect and he was looking to get out.

 

Don't you deserve to have someone who wants the same?

 

Getting angry yet?

 

Good.

 

Remember, its his loss screw it...until he's changed his mind ( if he ever does) he's made it clear that he no longer wants a relationship.

 

So pick up your heart and go out tonight and have a great time.

 

You won't regret it.

 

 

 

Barky

[nasc88]

HA! Thank you - unfortunately I'm too old to hit those places! I am actually heading to Chicago to see my brother. He is flying me out for some bonding time. He has been through this twice before - once the dumper and once the dumpee.

 

Thank you for your words though. I'm still not angry and I don't know if I ever will be. I don't think he can help who he is. I am mad that I lost my future and a year and a half of my life but I don't think I'm mad at him for not being capable of having a relationship.

 

This website has really helped a lot. I am slowly getting myself back to the person I was. A few hiccups here and there - a few breakdowns but I will get there.

 

Thank you for the support!