nasc88 Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 (edited) <Due to continuing of a similar topic, moderation merged three threads on the topic into one> I had been dating a guy for a year and a half. Things were good - or so I thought. We're both in our mid 30s and I was his first long term relationship. He seemed to be distant and one morning after being out and him seeming annoyed by me I asked what was wrong. He said he was having doubts if he was in it for the long term. I was the most important person in his life and he wanted me to be a part of it. He messaged me that afternoon apologizing for being such a jerk recently. Then Sunday he messaged me like nothing was wrong. On Monday I called him out and said if you don't want a relationship with me I can't be your friend. He continued to email me and ask how I was - always adding he felt sick and not like himself. On Wednesday he asked if I wanted him to come over Friday to talk - I asked what it would change and it seemed like nothing. I told him I had plans with friends and that I didn't think we should talk for a few days. On Sunday night like clockwork he messaged me to see how my weekend was and how I was doing. I didn't respond. On Monday I did the hardest thing possible and told him I did not want him to contact me because it was too confusing and I could never heal this way. He responded he was sorry he let me know and he would always care about me and his door was always open. I never responded. Saturday will be 3 weeks since he ended things and 11 days since I requested no contact from him. I think about him all day and miss him tremendously. Does anyone have any thoughts on how to try and get him back? Friends tell me to stay NC and if he realizes what he's lost he'll be back... Edited September 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and thread merge.
lylat333 Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 (edited) When you requested NC did you tell him that the only reason you would want to be in contact again is if he wished to reconcile? I've read that's what you're supposed to do if you tell your ex you're implementing NC. Otherwise I think it seems strange to wait/hope for someone to make contact with you when you've told them not to. NC has no power if they know you're out there dying for them to get in touch. Right now I do think you need NC, not just for yourself but to allow him to start to miss you and see what life is like without you. The lines you don't want to hear are, "I still want to be your friend", "I still want you in my life", "I still care about you", blah blah. Those lines mean nothing. Translation: I'm perfectly happy with you being my friend and nothing more. NC seems to be having some effect if he is contacting you when you go quiet for a little while. Deep down, he may be scared to lose you and he doesn't even know it. NC is the only way you will allow those feelings to manifest and direct his actions. Edited September 6, 2013 by lylat333
Author nasc88 Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 No, I didn't say anything about contacting me again if he wanted to reconcile - I guess in a way I thought that was assumed. I told him that sending the request was the hardest thing I ever had to do and I was disappointed he didn't want to try to make it work. I guess I just felt so blindsided by the whole thing. I know NC is best for me because every time I would get a message from him I would have false hope and the grieving process would start again - and it was just too hard. Sadly I guess I was just hoping that by having no contact and seeing how final things were he would miss me. I'm not trying to play games even though it obviously sounds like I am. I just miss having my best friend and feel like my future was ripped away from me on that Morning. I am also kicking myself for forcing him to talk to me because if I didn't maybe he would have stayed in the relationship and tried to make it work. I know I know I'm probably grasping at straws there.
mammasita Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 He sounds emotionally immature. You do need to tell him that he should only contact you if he is sure he wants to be with you, otherwise he needs to leave you the eff alone and you need to move on, focus on you and heal. I mean, come on.....mid 30's and you are his FIRST long term relationship??? That's a red flag for me. Usually mid 30's have seen at least one long term relationship, a divorce even.
Author nasc88 Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 Well he hasn't contacted me since I asked him not to. I feel like if I go back after these 11 days and say "only contact me if you want a relationship" I'm kind of undoing what I've done. Everyone that is close to me agrees that he is emotionally immature and that he was scared and not sure what he wanted. I mean at this point you either move to the next level or end it I guess. I am just not sure I did the right thing making him talk to me - but everyone says I would have just been prolonging the inevitable.
mammasita Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Well he hasn't contacted me since I asked him not to. I feel like if I go back after these 11 days and say "only contact me if you want a relationship" I'm kind of undoing what I've done. Everyone that is close to me agrees that he is emotionally immature and that he was scared and not sure what he wanted. I mean at this point you either move to the next level or end it I guess. I am just not sure I did the right thing making him talk to me - but everyone says I would have just been prolonging the inevitable. you're absolutely right. You don't need to say it at this point. I know its hard and it hurts, but we've all been there - I have been there. It will get better.
Author nasc88 Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 Thanks, I hope you're right. I just keep carrying on with my routine, going to the gym and saying "yes" to anything anyone asks me to keep busy and hopefully keep my mind off of him. It's tough though. I saw a future with him and didn't have a clue he didn't see a future with me.
Joyvke Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 He sounds emotionally immature. You do need to tell him that he should only contact you if he is sure he wants to be with you, otherwise he needs to leave you the eff alone and you need to move on, focus on you and heal. I mean, come on.....mid 30's and you are his FIRST long term relationship??? That's a red flag for me. Usually mid 30's have seen at least one long term relationship, a divorce even. Not everyone is so fortunate of having had relations before due to whatever reasons. In fact I got a few male friends that age that never even had girlfriends at all. It's also one of the reasons I want a boyfriend that had a relationship at least once, especially since they can be really immature. I hope he will leave you alone and you can move on. If you need a listening ear don't hesitate to drop me a pm .
Author nasc88 Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 Thank you. I appreciate that. I just want to feel better and am not sure how. I miss him like crazy and wish he was doing the same. I keep reliving that day thinking "why did you force him to talk to you?" and I know that is one of the most unhealthy things I can do but I can't stop.
hopefulfaerie Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Since you did say the situation was hurtful and confusing wjen you requested NC , then yeah I would think he would know. . Don't contact me unless you can give me a relationship. You are amazingly strong and definitely know your self worth and won't settle for anything less. Good for you!!!! NC is extremely difficult but I think you are doing the right thing! I don't want to get your hopes up but just a "feeling" he will contact you if you disappear for a while. Just my two cents. Ha ha! Best of luck!!!
Author nasc88 Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 thank you - unfortunately I've heard that from too many people and am afraid I'm getting false hope that someday I may hear from him again - I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other and keep myself busy...I just wish he was still in my life but I guess that is natural.
Author nasc88 Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 I have posted on here before so I don't want to repeat the story too much. I dated a guy for 1 1/2 years and really thought we were going to have a future together. I was shocked 3 weeks ago when he told me he didn't think he could do this long term. He said I was one of the most important people in his life and he would always care about me and he wanted me in his life but that if he stayed in the relationship it would be half heartily. He messaged me every day for about a week after this happened even offering to come over and talk to me. In hindsight it was probably for him to feel less guilty. I explained to him that I wanted a relationship and nothing less - that I couldn't be his friend. That I was disappointed he didn't want to make it work but that I couldn't have contact with him any longer because it was too confusing for me and I needed to heal. He responded that he was sorry for putting me in this position, he couldn't feel any worse than he did, that his door was always open and he would always care about me. I was screwing around on FB yesterday and accidentally sent him a message from chat that just had the "like" thumbs up. I quickly wrote I'm sorry I didn't mean to send that. Shortly after that he responded "Ok, no worries. Hope all is well." Now, I'm heartbroken again. Could he have been any more cold? Not even a "how are you?" I guess I'm just so hurt and stunned that he doesn't miss me even the slightest bit. I just don't know how to move past this. Has anyone been in similar situations with thoughts? I guess somewhere deep down I was hoping to believe what everyone was telling me - that I might hear from him again. That message makes me think there is no way I will.
lylat333 Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 While what he said was short, I wouldn't over-analyze it or beat yourself up over it too much. He was probably flattered you accidentally messaged him but didn't desire to make more of it at the moment. He probably does care about you on some level, but someone in his position would only treat someone in your position so flippantly only if he felt he isn't running much risk of losing you. Even if you are missing him like crazy and wish he would miss you too and talk to you, letting him know that will only make the situation that much worse as you may have guessed already. So don't make anymore of an issue of this, keep a low profile and allow him to come to terms with how he ultimately feels while you do what's best for you, and that's living life without needing him in it. (as tough as that is) That little message he sent really means nothing in the grand scheme of things - so don't allow it or him take the wind out of your sails!
Author nasc88 Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 Thank you for the response. I have been keeping a low profile, trying to be positive on Facebook since we're still friends (I can't seem to un-friend him) and had not made contact except for that blunder last night. I can't believe how difficult these weeks have been without him. I was hoping there was part of him that was having a difficult time as well and maybe someday he'd see life was better with me in it than without. I will try to keep my head up and carry on. Thank you.
eachcomingnight Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Hey, I just want to remind you that you have no idea what's going on in his mind behind his response, so it's not worth jumping to any conclusions. From what you said he does sound like he cares about you, but that doesn't mean that a relationship was the right thing for him. He could be keeping his distance out of respect for you, or he could be upset that you didn't want to keep a friendship with him, or any number of things. So I wouldn't trouble yourself too much with thoughts of "He doesn't care" because he very well may - but the fact is that that doesn't really change the ultimate outcome of the situation. Best of luck. 2
Author nasc88 Posted September 9, 2013 Author Posted September 9, 2013 thanks - that is true - I guess we all just want what we want and are heartbroken when we don't get it...I didn't see it coming and had no idea he wasn't committed after a year and a half (we're in our mid-30s) so it really really hurt...you're right though and thanks for that perspective...
StyleOnEm Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Give him some credit. He at least acknowledged your message. You were the one who basically told him to disregard your message, as if *you* are the one who doesn't care to see how he is. See the difference?
Author nasc88 Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 Give him some credit. He at least acknowledged your message. You were the one who basically told him to disregard your message, as if *you* are the one who doesn't care to see how he is. See the difference? I guess I don't - I was just trying apologize for accidentally sending the thumbs up sign. I am just so confused and missing him. I keep playing in a loop asking myself why I made him talk to me that day - forced really - because I couldn't go on like it was with his moods. Then he offered to come talk about a week after - and I know nothing would have changed but I can't help but wonder "what if"...you know? It's an endless loop playing over and over again in my head.
lylat333 Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 If it makes you feel any better, the endless loops of thought are normal. I haven't finished it yet but I got a book I saw recommended in another thread called, "Getting Past Your Breakup". It outlines a lot of what people in our situation are going through and it made me feel so much better that others experience the same pain. Where you just keep playing out the same scenarios and "what ifs" over and over, and over and over again. It plagued me for the first few weeks or so, but it's a lot better now and it will get better for you, too.
Author nasc88 Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 If it makes you feel any better, the endless loops of thought are normal. I haven't finished it yet but I got a book I saw recommended in another thread called, "Getting Past Your Breakup". It outlines a lot of what people in our situation are going through and it made me feel so much better that others experience the same pain. Where you just keep playing out the same scenarios and "what ifs" over and over, and over and over again. It plagued me for the first few weeks or so, but it's a lot better now and it will get better for you, too. Thank you. It's been a little over 3 weeks and it's just awful. I really thought he was the one so I'm not just missing him but I'm missing the future I thought we were going to have together. I hope in time it will get better. I'd do anything for him to want me back but I'm realizing that unfortunately it's just not the case. I never knew I could miss a person so much.
lylat333 Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I completely understand. I even dreamed about her several times, actually dreamed she was talking to me again and we were working things out - and then I would wake up. It was horrible. I still miss her and have been in denial things could end like this. I feel our breakup was so sloppy at the end. I hated myself for not doing more with her and felt we had so much potential yet to fill. If you feel is he is pretty much gone indefinitely at this point, I would seriously consider at least unfriending him on FB. I blocked my ex yesterday after going 45 days without ever hearing anything from her and I think it's the best thing I could have done for myself right now. It will take so much emotional burden off you and in my personal opinion it does nothing to damage reconciliation potential, it simply expedites it.
Author nasc88 Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 Thanks - I know unfriending him is the best thing I can do but I can't bring myself to do it. After he broke up with me I unfriended his mother and he emailed me he thought it was unnecessary. I am afraid I have false hope that there would be a reconciliation some day. I guess I was just hoping he'd realize his life was better with me in it than without. He is in his mid-30s and I am his first real long term relationship. We had been to a wedding together and everyone was telling me that I shouldn't let him get away and then by the end of the night they were telling him the same thing. I had been wanting to talk to him about how I felt and where we were going and I never had the courage - probably because somewhere I knew the answer. Finally after him being a jerk one night I FORCED him to talk to me about what was going on and he said he wasn't sure he was in it for the long term. He cared about me and I did nothing wrong and he wanted me in his life. I had to ask him to stop contacting me because it was too confusing and giving me false hope. I guess in my unrealistic world I thought somehow he would miss me enough but obviously that isn't the case. I'm just lost and heartbroken.
lylat333 Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I really think you should unfriend/block him, even though it's hard. When I did it yesterday, it was crazy how fast and hard my heart was beating. The whole problem is that he has little impetus to act. When one person is confused and the other is basically standing around waiting - nothing changes. It can go on for months, even years! imo not talking is not necessarily enough for the other person to miss you - sure you may not be talking but he knows you're there, probably knows you miss him and are attached, and Facebook can serve as a big comfort for the dumper. Looking back I experienced it a couple of years ago... I was the dumper and I still checked my ex's page probably every day. It was nice to see she left pictures of us up and I never worried about her going anywhere. Meanwhile she may have been sitting at home hoping that me seeing the pictures would trigger me into missing her - not so. I can't speak for everyone but imo the surest way for someone to miss you is for you to really leave, and show just what you are capable of. Not because you want to play games and be manipulative, but because you are not willing to subject yourself to the emotional hardship. They have no say in the matter anymore. If my ex were to try to come to me and try to criticize me for blocking her I would have a good laugh. She's clearly put me on the backburner for a month and a half now happily doing whatever she wants to do.
Author nasc88 Posted September 10, 2013 Author Posted September 10, 2013 I actually wondered why he didn't unfriend me - I mean he broke up with me. I know now from talking to others that his invite to get together and talk and to remain in his life was essentially for his own guilt. He was literally my best friend for a year and a half so there is a giant loss in my heart right now. We didn't fight or have issues - I think he just wasn't emotionally mature enough to handle the next step. I took all our pictures down and any posts that included him. He chose to leave everything up which I found odd since he dumped me. I am really going to think about your advice and try to pull the trigger and do it. My friend said to me if you unfriended him you do know if you ever wanted to be friends with him again he'd accept that friendship.
BC1980 Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 Looking back I experienced it a couple of years ago... I was the dumper and I still checked my ex's page probably every day. It was nice to see she left pictures of us up and I never worried about her going anywhere. Meanwhile she may have been sitting at home hoping that me seeing the pictures would trigger me into missing her - not so. I can't speak for everyone but imo the surest way for someone to miss you is for you to really leave, and show just what you are capable of. Not because you want to play games and be manipulative, but because you are not willing to subject yourself to the emotional hardship. They have no say in the matter anymore. This is so true, but it's so hard for the dumpee to see. If you are always waiting in the wings, what would make the dumper come to a decision? The classic example that we have all seen is the woman who stays with a man for years and wants to get married. But he never makes the commitment to do so because she gives him everything and makes herself so available. He knows she will always be there playing the part of wife but settling for no commitment, even though it is what she really wants. Like you said, you can't be willing to subject yourself to the emotional roller coaster. The funny thing is that actually makes you more attractive to the dumper. But it is for you and you alone to go NC.
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