miafarrow Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 I will tell you a short story! And I just need simple advices on what to do next. I've know this guy for a several months, he knows everything about me, we really bonded. I've just thought he was just a stranger who listened to my "love" problems, I listened to his and that we just clicked. He asked me out...I said no and told him I don't meet with people I meet online and that actually I never meet guys online so much. Suddenly we started to chat every day for a couple of weeks. In that time I asked him out, but he was out of town for a few weeks because of his job. I was falling for him after we exchanged photos, he told me that I'm cute too. I was not going hard on him or begging him to go out with me, I asked him out for the 2nd time, he said he can't come that he is busy. That was last thing I said to him. I "moved" on. 6 weeks later I've got his text. I was looking at my phone and I was shocked, I've thought that he blew me off. I wanted to ask him this: Why are you texting me after 2 months? Someone blew you off or what? But I decided I won't be sarcastic bitch. I just replied with two words. He asked me then: Are you dating someone? I was looking at my phone again, thinking wtf is this? I wanted to say to him: ' Why is it important? It none of your business.' Of course I didn't, I've just said no. And asked him back do you date someone?' He didn't say yes, but he said: 'I we will see how things will develop, nothing serious, just fun.' I didn't reply. I was thinking what is wrong with this guy? Why does he texts me now all these stuff? And if he is seeing someone, whats the point of making contact to me again. Why? Fastforward Few days later I was bored. He turned me on, so we started to do some sexy talk having fun. I went to his house and we slept together. We talked whole night about everything, just bonding. He told me he never felt so much chemistry with anyone in his life(he was really horny), I said me too. He asked me have I ever done something like this before? (to have one night stand with a stranger) I said one time few years ago. Then I left, he wanted me to stay, but I said that I need to go, then he asked me what am I doing tonight. I said I was busy. The next day I asked him if we can meet, since I'm away for the next couple of weeks. He couldn't, because he was going away on a business trip too in a couple of hours. I wished him bon voyage. He just said:'merci, well have fun, hope you'll meet some sexy guy out there to keep it fun!' This made me angry, really. Because we just had sex and wtf is this supposed to mean? What? I told him I want you, because you are sexy, goodbye! While I was in Paris, after 10 days passed. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to show him I really liked him or to become to needy or clingy, so. I've just sent him a photo of my 'cleavage'-shirt, while I was sitting in a Caffe (nothing too vulgar) and wrote something short. I was testing him out too, just to see what he will reply. He said nothing. The next day I apologized to him and told him I was a bit drunk (which I wasn't) and that I feel bad about what I did. He instantly replied and told me like I should never regret what I do or feel ashamed about myself. Wtf? Seriously? That was all he got to say and belive me the photo was hot. He reaction blew me off again. I said nothing. A week later I asked him how's in NYC and is he having fun? He didn't reply. I am not sure if he got it because that day no one of my friends got my messages too. That was a week ago. I left it to that. Meanwhile I met some guy from my hometown in Paris, we hooked up, nothing serious, but this guy is really into me and he is nice. I'm lost. I like this new guy too, but I'm thinking about this guy all the time. I want to be honest with him and ask him if he is back from NYC and if he wants to meet with me this weekend. I will tell him that I like him and if he is not interested in me that he should tell me. If someone read the whole stuff, sorry I know this is too long. I need advices. I'm not a kid, but I just don't know if my email will be to needy, clingy or too scary? He is confusing me, when he was with me I've seen the way he was looking at me, he was nice to me whole the time, he was interested in my life and wanted to know everything about me. I don't understand his behavior. He is sending me the mixed signals, since we made contact again. To be honest I was acting a bit slutty after we spent the night together, right? Maybe I shouldn't sent him my sexy outfit, but I didn't want to be boring, just to test him out. He probably got the wrong impression. Or am I just stupid and he used me and I should read between the lines and tell the truth to myself. He is making it clear with his statements that he is not interested in me nothing more then to have sex. Or he is testing me out and faking it all? Seriously I can't wait for a week, 2 or 3 weeks for him to contact me.
gaius Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Or am I just stupid and he used me and I should read between the lines and tell the truth to myself. He is making it clear with his statements that he is not interested in me nothing more then to have sex. Or he is testing me out and faking it all? Seriously I can't wait for a week, 2 or 3 weeks for him to contact me. I don't know if used would be the right way to put it. He said let's have fun, nothing serious, so you took him up on the offer and had sex. Now he's done having fun. He was pretty straightforward from the beginning about nothing serious. The more you contact him at this point the less respect he will have for you. By now you've probably devolved to a story he tells his friends to prove how studly he is. The crazy, clingy girl he ignores but sends him cleavage pics anyway.
Mrlonelyone Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 He asked you out. You said no and that you don't date people from online. Then you asked him out. Many men don't play around at all and will simply cross you off their list once you say that you never date men who (insert whatever they are). Then again, some men persist knowing that women will say they will never do X Y or Z end up doing exactly that eventually. Lesson: Never say never. Even most guys who are usually the persistent type will move on from you if they hear a hard "never". If you are just not sure about a guy say something less definitive. That will weed out the weak willed, but not drive people away either. 1
clia Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 There are no mixed signals here. He asked me out...I said no and told him I don't meet with people I meet online and that actually I never meet guys online so much. At this point, way back when, he liked you. He asked you out. You said no. In that time I asked him out, but he was out of town for a few weeks because of his job. And...he didn't offer an alternative date or pursue seeing you. I asked him out for the 2nd time, he said he can't come that he is busy. Again, he didn't offer an alternative date or pursue seeing you. He asked me then: Are you dating someone? He remembered that you liked him and was scoping out to see if you were available for sex. And asked him back do you date someone?' He didn't say yes, but he said: 'I we will see how things will develop, nothing serious, just fun.' He's advising you here that he's just looking for fun. He's not seeking you out for a relationship; he is dating others. Few days later I was bored. He turned me on, so we started to do some sexy talk having fun. I went to his house and we slept together. Was this is the first time you met him in person? This guy turned down two dates with you, you don't hear from him for six weeks, he pops up out of the blue, and since you were bored, you went to his house and had sex with him. Do you see how he had to do no work? Sounds like he got a great deal. Heck, he didn't even have to take you out on a date. Then I left, he wanted me to stay, but I said that I need to go, then he asked me what am I doing tonight. I said I was busy. He wanted more sex. The next day I asked him if we can meet, since I'm away for the next couple of weeks. He couldn't, because he was going away on a business trip too in a couple of hours. Again, no indication of plans for when he gets back. I wished him bon voyage. He just said:'merci, well have fun, hope you'll meet some sexy guy out there to keep it fun!' He is reiterating to you that the two of you are not a couple. While I was in Paris, after 10 days passed. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to show him I really liked him or to become to needy or clingy, so. I've just sent him a photo of my 'cleavage'-shirt, while I was sitting in a Caffe (nothing too vulgar) and wrote something short. This guy doesn't contact you after ten days and you sent him a boob shot? Why not just say "Hey, how was your trip?" If you weren't after just a sexual relationship, you certainly weren't sending that signal. I was testing him out too, just to see what he will reply. He said nothing. Because he's not interested. The next day I apologized to him and told him I was a bit drunk (which I wasn't) and that I feel bad about what I did. He instantly replied and told me like I should never regret what I do or feel ashamed about myself. He probably felt kind of sorry for you. A week later I asked him how's in NYC and is he having fun? He didn't reply. So, it's been over three weeks since you've heard from him other than the one text message? Move on. He's not interested. I want to be honest with him and ask him if he is back from NYC and if he wants to meet with me this weekend. I will tell him that I like him and if he is not interested in me that he should tell me. He's already told you he's not interested through his complete and utter lack of contact with you. This is the same lack of contact he showed you for six weeks before you had sex with him. I'm not a kid, but I just don't know if my email will be to needy, clingy or too scary? You should forget about this guy and go find a guy who is interested in you. He is confusing me, when he was with me I've seen the way he was looking at me, he was nice to me whole the time, he was interested in my life and wanted to know everything about me. Because he wanted to have sex with you. Now that he's done that, he's moved on. Men who are interested ask you out on dates and call you. I don't understand his behavior. You are ignoring his behavior and trying to read all kinds of things into it that aren't there. He is sending me the mixed signals since we made contact again. No, he isn't. You haven't heard from this guy in over three weeks. How is that mixed signals? It's a blow off, a poof. He's gone. He may show up again for more sex at some future date, but you should ignore those texts. He is making it clear with his statements that he is not interested in me nothing more then to have sex. This. Or he is testing me out and faking it all? Uh...no. Stop making excuses. Move on. 1
Author miafarrow Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 Wait guys I think the same as you all do, seriously, because I'm not dumb. But the circumstances are that I was going to Paris for the next 2 weeks, he was in NYC for the next 3 weeks. I am not making excuses for him. He didn't reply to my photo session that day, but he did reply immediately the next day. After I apologized for sending something like that. I'll be honest he was too horny, so we actually didn't catch the time to have pretty much of sex, he felt bad about it. So if I managed to cause him those reactions so fast, I guess he wouldn't mind my photo, I think he'd like it very much and I think any guy would say something. Maybe he is embaressed because he failed, I don't know
Author miafarrow Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 And one more thing. If he really is seeing someone else, why would he just want to have sex with me, when I already told him before that I'm not into some casual sex things. That was way before we even met. He knows that someone broke my heart not so long time ago, and he knows what I think about situations like this. He said that we don't need to have sex, that we can just talk, but I told him to shut up because I'm horny. And it happened what happened. I don't regret it. I just want to give it a last shot, to be honest with him, to see what he will do. Because of myself, not him. I need to move on and ask him what does he want. I'm not going to go hard on him and ask him if he wants to be with me, but I just want to give him a hint that I like him and that I want to see him again and if he is not into it, that its all fine and none is going to get hurt.
clia Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 But the circumstances are that I was going to Paris for the next 2 weeks, he was in NYC for the next 3 weeks. So, does that mean his phone was broken? Let me tell you a story. The day after I met my boyfriend he was going out of town on business for two weeks. He was swamped with work during that time. I barely knew him. We definitely hadn't had sex yet. But still, he texted me every couple of days to keep in touch. He called me from the freaking airport to set up our first date. That's what men do who are interested in you and want to date you. They don't fall off the face of the Earth for weeks. I am not making excuses for him. You are, though. You really are. If he really is seeing someone else, why would he just want to have sex with me, when I already told him before that I'm not into some casual sex things. But do you see how what you said and what you did are two different things? You said you didn't want casual sex, but that's exactly what you did. He told you he was seeing other people and you had sex with him anyway, without establishing exclusivity. Why would he want to have sex with you? Because he's a man and he's single. He said that we don't need to have sex, that we can just talk, but I told him to shut up because I'm horny. These are not the actions of a woman who does not want casual sex. I just want to give it a last shot, to be honest with him, to see what he will do. I think if you continue to pursue this guy, you are only going to get hurt. Obviously you can send him an e-mail or a text and try to ask him out again, but he is not showing the signs of a guy who wants a relationship with you. I'm not going to go hard on him and ask him if he wants to be with me, but I just want to give him a hint that I like him and that I want to see him again and if he is not into it, that its all fine and none is going to get hurt. Um...he knows you like him. You've asked him out twice, had sex with him, and sent him a boob shot. Yeah, he knows you like him. No more "hints" are necessary. I think you should pursue this guy at your own risk. In my opinion, he's made it pretty clear that he's not after a relationship. 2
Mrlonelyone Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 But do you see how what you said and what you did are two different things? You said you didn't want casual sex, but that's exactly what you did. He told you he was seeing other people and you had sex with him anyway, without establishing exclusivity. Why would he want to have sex with you? Because he's a man and he's single. . Clia, the above is what men have observed about women again and again. This is the reason men can persist in pursuing a woman, then pull back, and end up getting to have sex with her multiple times. These are not the actions of a woman who does not want casual sex. Um...he knows you like him. You've asked him out twice, had sex with him, and sent him a boob shot. Yeah, he knows you like him. No more "hints" are necessary. I think you should pursue this guy at your own risk. In my opinion, he's made it pretty clear that he's not after a relationship. OP a question, are you really after a relationship? We are strangers and this is anonymous. There is nothing wrong with just wanting a sexual fling so long as we are all honest about what it is.
Author miafarrow Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 I didn't plan to meet with him at all that day. We were talking about pretty much all the things after he made a contact, but not the things that we should meet. When we were having that sexy talk, we didn't talk like we are going to have sex, we talked about sex in general. And when he asked me what am I doing right now and I told him that I'm at some bank taking care of business he said that I can drop by his place. I sad that he will probably use me, so whats the point? He said that we will just hang out and if something happens that I don't want to do that I should tell him. I didn't throw myself at him when I came there. He just asked why I don't make any effort with guys that things in life don't fall out of the sky, that you need work for them. I just asked him and what is wrong with that attitude if this is who I am? He just kissed me then and I don't know what else happened in the next 3 minutes. I never felt something like this in my life, seriously. Yes, he does know I like him, but he doesn't know the way I like him. I don't want to use him just for sex and I think I acted like I just want that. Because I'm not sure what does he wants.
clia Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Clia, the above is what men have observed about women again and again. This is the reason men can persist in pursuing a woman, then pull back, and end up getting to have sex with her multiple times. Oh, I totally agree with you. A lot of women seem to think that they can just tell a guy that they aren't into casual sex, and that the guy is then going to take the responsibility to stop the sex from happening if he doesn't want a relationship. In my experience, it doesn't work that way. If you offer up sex, the guy is generally going to take you up on it, regardless of whether he wants a relationship with you. If you do not want casual sex as a woman, then don't have sex with a guy until you are exclusive. Make what you say match up with what you do. Don't blame the guy for having sex with you when you weren't exclusive, when he never wanted to be exclusive to begin with.
curlygirl40 Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 LISTEN TO CLIA! She knows what she's talking about. He's not sending you mixed signals at all. He's been pretty clear actually. You're the one who is confused, or taking his clear signals and muddying them up to suit what you want to happen out of this. This guy is not dating material for you. No way
Mrlonelyone Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 LISTEN TO CLIA! She knows what she's talking about. He's not sending you mixed signals at all. He's been pretty clear actually. You're the one who is confused, or taking his clear signals and muddying them up to suit what you want to happen out of this. This guy is not dating material for you. No way This and what Clia said dovetail with the idea that men have which is that it is their job to advance a relationship to the next level with a woman. The stereotype being that women are indecisive. I have been known to say that FZ'd men need to get out of that by making a physical move on the woman and observing her physical responses to the move. That's another thing women will do sometimes is declare how much they just want to be friends and don't want sex, then jump you, then schew a man away like a pest right after, then call you on a restricted number breathing heavy.... I've been where the guy in the OP's tale has been more than once. Right now he has no idea what to think of the OP. He dose not know if he in truth can call her a girl friend, but she's more than a friend. They aren't "dating" but they are in some form of relationship that has no defined label. OP the only way to move forward is for you to sit with this guy and have an adult conversation about what you both want out of the situation. Define the relationship.
Author miafarrow Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 (edited) I am more of a person who is logical and rational. 90% of people gave me the same advice, and I know that in 99% of situations I'd think, do and react in a same way and just leave all these things alone and aside. He is just not that into me and so on and so on. Don't contact him. But what can I do? If he is not into me, whats the point then if I send him one email saying that I just like him and that I want to see him again and that if he is into it fine, if not it's also fine. The thing is that I'm not going to play games, which is the thing that most of the women nowdays do. I will not chase him or persue him into anything. Things are so simple, I like him, I came back to my home town and I want to see him. What is wrong with that? Seriously? If he likes me back he'll come, if not he will tell me I'm not interested. I will tell him yes or no, it's your choice, whatever you decide is fine. And if a guy simply ignores me and comes back after 14 days or more. I will tell him the truth, that I don't want to meet with him because he ignored me and acted like some *******. And tell him that its better that he quits on me, that i'm not interested anymore Edited September 6, 2013 by miafarrow
Author miafarrow Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 (edited) And I don't know what signals is he giving me, he is not giving me signals that he is interested in me, he is not giving me signals that he just wants sex also, because he ignoring all those things anyway. If we will talk in general terms. If he was or is just after sex with me. I think he'd probably make some moves at least when he opened up my photo session. He'd do or say something. He did nothing! When I acted rationally and apologized he did say something. I seriously didn't give him any signs that I like him for something more then sexual attraction. With behaviours after all happened. I mean a girl he f....sent him sexy pic, she told him he just want him because he is just sexy. If I was a guy if she asked me how I am after this all happened, if I cared, seriously I'd be offended to be threated as a sexual object, but id I was just into it to bang her from time to time, I'd be pretty responsive to her actions because she really made me horny. He failed, I didn't sex was bad for me, it was pretty amazing for him, so I think he wouldn't blew me off because I was bad in bed. Before we met I didn't also gave him any signs that I want to meet with him, I was just responding. Maybe he is just feeling used. That's one of the options too. I never thought about it until now. Maybe I sound insane and crazy right now, but I'm try to use my brain hard and look at it rationally. Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud, so that I can read it somewhere later. Edited September 6, 2013 by miafarrow
curlygirl40 Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 This and what Clia said dovetail with the idea that men have which is that it is their job to advance a relationship to the next level with a woman. The stereotype being that women are indecisive. I have been known to say that FZ'd men need to get out of that by making a physical move on the woman and observing her physical responses to the move. That's another thing women will do sometimes is declare how much they just want to be friends and don't want sex, then jump you, then schew a man away like a pest right after, then call you on a restricted number breathing heavy.... I've been where the guy in the OP's tale has been more than once. Right now he has no idea what to think of the OP. He dose not know if he in truth can call her a girl friend, but she's more than a friend. They aren't "dating" but they are in some form of relationship that has no defined label. OP the only way to move forward is for you to sit with this guy and have an adult conversation about what you both want out of the situation. Define the relationship. I couldn't disagree more. I do agree that often times it falls on the guy to advance the relationship, but I do not agree that this guy is sitting there and doesn't know where HE stands with her or what he should do next. How about asking her out to dinner? How about calling her and getting to know her better? He has a lot of choices. The thing is OP, is that silence from a guy will tell you everything you need to know. Of course you can call or text him and see if he wants to get together, but if he really wanted to see you, then he could do that too. And he's not. So what does that tell you? IMO he hasn't shown ANY signs of true interest at all. Only interest in sex. I think this is too risky, I don't think it will end well.
curlygirl40 Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 I think you really like him and I think you're trying to justify it in your mind that it's o.k to chase him when you know you shouldn't. It shouldn't be this complicated really.
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