Lillyfree Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 i confessed to my husband. i didn't want to lie to him and i believed that not only he deserved the truth, but also since i wanted to work on our marriage i didn't think it possible while keeping secrets.
BetrayedH Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I read a survey where those that had admitted to adultery were then asked if their spouse knew about their affair. Half said that their spouse knew. Of those, about half reported that they had disclosed and the other half had been discovered. So that puts voluntary disclosure of affairs at about 25%. That seems high to me but it's the only number I recall seeing. I wish I could remember the exact numbers but I do recall the number of respondents being in the tens of thousands. As for a voluntary confession being better, I read another statistic that 2 years post Dday - of those that had voluntarily disclosed, about 70% remained together; of those that had been discovered, the number was 35% (and only half of those couples reported being "happy"). That tells me that a voluntary disclosure literally doubles your chances at reconciling (at least to the two-year mark). 2
cocorico Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I read a survey where those that had admitted to adultery were then asked if their spouse knew about their affair. Half said that their spouse knew. Of those, about half reported that they had disclosed and the other half had been discovered. So that puts voluntary disclosure of affairs at about 25%. That seems high to me but it's the only number I recall seeing. I wish I could remember the exact numbers but I do recall the number of respondents being in the tens of thousands. As for a voluntary confession being better, I read another statistic that 2 years post Dday - of those that had voluntarily disclosed, about 70% remained together; of those that had been discovered, the number was 35% (and only half of those couples reported being "happy"). That tells me that a voluntary disclosure literally doubles your chances at reconciling (at least to the two-year mark). Surely that would only make sense if you assumed that similar proportions of those disclosing and those not, *wanted* to reconcile? It's hard to know - my H informed his xW of the A because he intended to leave. If it was simply a fling, there'd have been no reason to, and many psychologists and counsellors counselling individuals who have As (ie, not MCs) advise the WS against disclosure of they intend to remain in the M. Off the top of my head, I can think of several colleagues and acquaintances who had As who have never disclosed, simply went back to "business as usual", and it seems to work for them. Those that I know who disclosed, did so with the intention of leaving, although one did change his mind when his AP got cold feet and dumped him.
janedoe67 Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Did you ever tell your husband about all of your affairs? Yes, he knows everything now, even though he caught me the other times.
BetrayedH Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Surely that would only make sense if you assumed that similar proportions of those disclosing and those not, *wanted* to reconcile? It's hard to know - my H informed his xW of the A because he intended to leave. If it was simply a fling, there'd have been no reason to, and many psychologists and counsellors counselling individuals who have As (ie, not MCs) advise the WS against disclosure of they intend to remain in the M. Off the top of my head, I can think of several colleagues and acquaintances who had As who have never disclosed, simply went back to "business as usual", and it seems to work for them. Those that I know who disclosed, did so with the intention of leaving, although one did change his mind when his AP got cold feet and dumped him. I suspect that those who disclosed and didn't want to reconcile were captured in the 30% that divorced. My point (not that it's entirely on-topic with the thread) is that if you're a WS that wants to reconcile, a voluntary disclosure doubles your chances of your reconciliation happening (as compared to it being discovered). For those that have affairs and go back to business as usual, I suppose it does work (for half of the couple anyway). That said, we've seen more than our fair share of waywards that were simply unable to "take it to the grave" and be happy about it.
MissBee Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 You are so very wrong. Again. I confessed and it was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. I hated hurting my husband like that but I could not lie to him any longer. I've never cheated on anyone but knowing myself, I have a conscience and I've thought about being in such a position and the fact that I'd probably eventually confess/admit to it and wouldn't be able to keep up the jig for too long. I'm not good at keeping lesser secrets from a partner much less something like that...so I'd probably not make a very good cheater.
MissBee Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 I read a survey where those that had admitted to adultery were then asked if their spouse knew about their affair. Half said that their spouse knew. Of those, about half reported that they had disclosed and the other half had been discovered. So that puts voluntary disclosure of affairs at about 25%. That seems high to me but it's the only number I recall seeing. I wish I could remember the exact numbers but I do recall the number of respondents being in the tens of thousands. As for a voluntary confession being better, I read another statistic that 2 years post Dday - of those that had voluntarily disclosed, about 70% remained together; of those that had been discovered, the number was 35% (and only half of those couples reported being "happy"). That tells me that a voluntary disclosure literally doubles your chances at reconciling (at least to the two-year mark). I could see this... For me especially, in considering reconciliation, I think you confessing shows initiative on your part and a step in the direction of owning your actions and wanting to put the truth out there not by force or your back is against the wall but of your own accord. That would give me more faith in attempting a reconciliation than if I discovered the affair and caught you off guard.
2sunny Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 Of all of the affairs I've been aware of in my circle of friends/family (including my exH's affair), nobody ever confessed. They were always caught. I suspect that confessing is overall pretty rare. I agree - especially since being around here since mid 2005. Rare when they confess. Usually, they get caught.
Owl Posted September 13, 2013 Posted September 13, 2013 My husband was hurt in more ways than one, I was caught the first time I was with another man. My husband is crippled because of MRSA in his spine. I had been denying sex for years to control my husbands mouth and temper, It has stopped working but the habit of doing so remained. The man I was with decided to humiliate my husband in an effort to put him in his place so he did not cause trouble, then he called my husband pathetic as my husband hit the floor after his cane was swept out from under his support hand, then laughed. My husband retaliated, got my boyfriend on the floor with him and tried to tear his face and body up, my husband just kept on hitting him, then he has the audacity to claim he acted under our states stand your ground law. He also hurt me pretty bad when I tried to pull him away. He just swatted me into a corner. I tried filing assault charges on my husband but since my boyfriend started it by putting my husband on the floor, and with me laying my hands on my husband to stop him, he only had to spend two weeks in a stress center for anger management. Did you confess to your H, and that's what led to this? Otherwise, not sure how this fits into this thread.
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