AutumnMoon Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 With no DDay, is it common to confess at some point to soothe constant guilt? Are MM or MW more likely to confess?
whatatangledweb Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Throughout my life I have known several people who cheated. None confessed . A few were caught but the others did not confess.
ChooseTruth Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 My wife confessed twice. The first time was pretty much of her own accord. The second time she confessed because she got pregnant. I guess she could have never told me, especially since she miscarried a week later... but yeah she confessed. I've seen many other examples on this site where people confess just to release guilt or because it's the right thing to do.
RavenWolf Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 My husband did not confess to any of his affairs. I caught him.
whatatangledweb Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 I caught my husband. He would never have confessed. It would have been easier for me to heal from if he had confessed. 3
Realist3 Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 JMO, but I think people that confess do so as a poke in the eye of their BS.
AlwaysGrowing Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Some people can live with lies, others can not. To live your life authentically is making yourself vulnerable. There is no where to hide. For some, wearing masks, duplicity, gives them strength...no matter how false it is. What is destroyed by the truth...should be. 3
Madman81 Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 My XW sat me down and told me she was unhappy and had been for a long time. I asked her point blank if there had been other men, and she confessed.
carhill Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Ever since reading about Dday on LS, which I joined about a year after disclosing my EA, I always thought of it as disclosure day, as, whether caught or disclosed, the affair is out in the open. For myself it occurred nearly contemporaneously with realizing I wasn't 'done' with an old partner, within a few days of that realization. Fortunately, my exW already knew who the person was, as I had spoken of her back when we were dating before being married, and they later interacted independently, so there was no ambiguity. I don't know how often that happens but would opine it's probably fairly outlier. Amongst those women I've known who've shared their affairs, it's been a mixed bag, confess versus caught. Men don't generally talk about their affairs to other men, at least in my social circle. Lastly, most people in my social circle whom I've queried do not consider affairs like my EA true affairs, since no sex was involved. I disagree with that, as such interactions are an abrogation of emotional fidelity to one's spouse. Perhaps it's my generation and social circle, IDK. People tend to think of affairs/cheating as 'sleeping around on one's spouse'. Perhaps they make an important distinction with regard to the topic. Is one more or less likely to disclose or withhold if it is a sexual versus emotional affair?
katielee Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 I'm not sure if it makes the affair any better to confess but I can tell you the BS has an easier time in recovery with trust issues if there is a confession. I confessed. My husband was caught. Twice. He also broke NC and I found out on the phone bill... that should have been his third strike. 1
serial muse Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Of all of the affairs I've been aware of in my circle of friends/family (including my exH's affair), nobody ever confessed. They were always caught. I suspect that confessing is overall pretty rare.
ChooseTruth Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 (edited) JMO, but I think people that confess do so as a poke in the eye of their BS. Some might, but not all. My ex was definitely not doing that with either of her confessions. It's the difference between. "Oh yeah! Well I've been sleeping with XXX!" And "I've been a terrible wife....I love you so much.............................................................(idon'tknowwhothefatheris).......................PLEASE DON'T TAKE <DAUGHTER> AWAY FROM ME, KILL ME...KILLLL MEEEeeee" or 7 years prior "He came over, we talked and....." stumbles, can't speak, tears.. Me: "Did you kiss him?" Her: Cries, nods head yes, cries as I hug her. (She had a broken meniscus and ACL at the time btw, I really don't think they could have had sex with that giant cast on her, especially with my 2 year old daughter roaming around) As much as I am angry at her for how things turned out later...I don't believe her confessions were meant to poke or injure me. Edited September 6, 2013 by ChooseTruth
seren Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 My H confessed his a to me, I had absolutely no idea and was blindsided absolutely. Had I discovered the A I think it would have made reconciliation harder. That he had ended it and then told me took a lot of courage on his part and I thanked him for his honesty. it was a huge relief to finally know what had been wrong for the 8 months the A took place. I cannot imagine how much worse finding out would be. 2
anne1707 Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 JMO, but I think people that confess do so as a poke in the eye of their BS. You are so very wrong. Again. I confessed and it was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. I hated hurting my husband like that but I could not lie to him any longer. 8
katielee Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 I confessed and it was probably the hardest thing I have ever done.. same here. and then he had two. And I wasn't worthy of the truth from him. That or he was scared of losing me. Doesn't matter. Rebuilding the trust from getting caught - darn near impossible. 1
bentleychic Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Of all of the affairs I've been aware of in my circle of friends/family (including my exH's affair), nobody ever confessed. They were always caught. Ditto (message too short)
janedoe67 Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 I confessed my first A. It was hard, but I knew he deserved the truth. I was truly remorseful, and we recovered from the A itself. Our marriage never changed, and when I made the same horribly crappy choice again, I did not confess. At the time it was because of my selfish and entitled and pathetically twisted sense of being disgusted. I did/do feel true remorse then/now as well and I have actually been working deeply this time instead of just some outward behavior modification band aid. BUT I know my husband is not as certain of my motivation this time because A) it had happened before and B) he wonders if he hadn't caught me what would have happened. And that makes perfect sense to me.
2sure Posted September 7, 2013 Posted September 7, 2013 If it comes down to having the option to confess because it looks like youre going to be caught...I strongly would recommend finding the juice to confess first. For many BS the hardest part of infidelity to move on from are thevliesvtoldto your face. Not the sex, not the cheating, the lies. My X denied everything while looking at pictures of himself entering a hotel with OW. It crossed my mind that he must be bat shyte crazy. 6
harrybrown Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 I wish my wife would have confessed, and the whole truth. 1
peaksandvalleys Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 You are so very wrong. Again. I confessed and it was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. I hated hurting my husband like that but I could not lie to him any longer. I think that I agree with you.
Coolit Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 JMO, but I think people that confess do so as a poke in the eye of their BS. This might be hard for you to accept but there are people who cheat, love their spouses very much, regret their actions, and believe the only way to move forward authenticaly is to give the decision (truth) to their spouse. Maybe after a time I could have got a handle on things myself. The guilt I mean. But the option to cheat was left wide open. I wanted to put the nails in the coffin so to speak (my actual thought process at the time.) And absolutely none of it had to do with hurting my H. From beginnin to end. He was an innocent victim. In fact confessing was hard because of the pain I knew it would inflict. And while he is sorry I cheated so sorry in that sense he knows. He is not sorry I told him. 3
Spark1111 Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 from all I've read, confession is very rare but so much more helpful to the healing process. The majority of cheaters are caught whether by arrogance, sloppiness or they want to be caught, who knows? But they are.
Betterthanthis13 Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 I forced a "confession"... I don't recommend becoming involved in a situation like mine. This particular mistake won't be repeated again in my lifetime.
harrybrown Posted September 10, 2013 Posted September 10, 2013 I confessed my first A. It was hard, but I knew he deserved the truth. I was truly remorseful, and we recovered from the A itself. Our marriage never changed, and when I made the same horribly crappy choice again, I did not confess. At the time it was because of my selfish and entitled and pathetically twisted sense of being disgusted. I did/do feel true remorse then/now as well and I have actually been working deeply this time instead of just some outward behavior modification band aid. BUT I know my husband is not as certain of my motivation this time because A) it had happened before and B) he wonders if he hadn't caught me what would have happened. And that makes perfect sense to me. Did you ever tell your husband about all of your affairs?
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