Feeling stressed about the future... kids, family etc..

[Yeahsussu]

Hey all.

I need to vent a little bit. During the past 1,5 years 5 of my closest friends were having kids. The last one got a kid just a few days ago. They are all married, and now they all got kids and seem to live a happy family life. Everywhere I look there are pregnant friends or friends who recently got babies.

Of course I´m happy for them, but I can´t help feel left out. Now they´re all gonna hang out together with their kids (well, they´re already doing it), and I will be the "fifth wheel".

 

And what about me? This is where my stress and anxiety comes in. I´m 28 years old and I met my lovely boyfriend about 1,5 years ago. We really want to move in together, but here´s the problem: We live in different cities about 1 hour apart. We´re both working and I have my permanent workplace here and he´s got his permanent job in his city. I will be the one to move, but we both agreed on that I will not move until I´ve found a new workplace in his city. I have my eyes open the whole time but so far I haven´t had any luck! This kinda stresses me out cause I want to move in with him so badly and start a life with him, but the whole situation is so difficult at the moment with work and such. I can´t just quit my permanent job and "hope for the best" and move in with him.

 

And here is my stress nr. 2. I want kids in the future, and my BF too, but I don´t want to wait too long either. I´m already 28 and my BF is 32! This stresses me out. Within the next few years I would like to live together with my Bf, at least be enganged and hopefully have a kid. But right now this seems sooo far away.

 

It kinda feels like we cannot move forward in our relationship until we live together. He is my soulmate and we have talked many times how we want to be together, always. The first step is absolutely to move in together, but this is also very hard for me since I then have to leave my permanent job which I do enjoy (I´ve got a pretty good salary, nice bonuses etc..) and start all over again in a new job. That feels a bit heavy, but I´ve accepted that it´s gonna happen. Of couse there is the possibility to commute to work, but I really don´t wanna spend over 2 hours everyday in the car just driving to and from work.

 

Argh I´m so frustrated that it seems that my life is not going anywhere! Does anyone have any comforting words or ideas what to do?

[TheGuard13]

Hoe does one "get a kid"?

 

Comforting words?

 

You get to sleep in on Saturdays if you so desire. And have a life that doesn't always involve factoring in your children until you're ready and able to do so.

[TheGuard13]

In seriousness, though, people change, their lives change, people drift apart, together, you meet new people...

 

It's part of life, and it sucks, but it's something that happens to everyone. You have to decide what is important to you.

[Yeahsussu]

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Kinda funny how I only 2-3 years ago didn´t even care about having kids or getting married etc. But now I just wish it would happen immediately! I have the man of my dreams and we want to spend our future together. While everybody else´s lives seem to go forward in a steady phase, mine just feels like it´s not moving at all. All because of a stupid distance between us.

[clia]

It just doesn't seem like an hour should be such a hurdle.

 

Why can't you both move to a place that is halfway in between so you can both keep your current jobs? A half hour commute is nothing.

 

Or, I don't blame you for wanting a shorter commute than an hour each way, but I know tons of people that have commutes that long. I know people who live in northern Indiana and work in Chicago, people who live downtown and work way, way out in the suburbs. I could see not wanting to do it forever, but you could move in together in his city and you commute it for awhile until you find a new job.

 

Have the two of you actually discussed marriage and kids yet? After a year and a half together at your ages, why are you so stressed that it isn't going to happen soon? Has he given you any indication that he isn't serious?

[Keenly]

It sounds like you only want kids because all your friends have a kid. You said a couple years ago you were fine, now all of a sudden you want kids because your frienda did.

[Yeahsussu]

I know an hour is probably not the worst thing, but I´d rather spend my time on other things than just sitting in the car. My BF bought a nice, new apartment just before we met, therefore we won´t move anywhere in between. Besides, there is pretty much nothing else but forests between our cities.

We have discussed kids, and we both want kids. But we haven´t talked about any timeframe for that. And no we haven´t directly spoken about marriage, no more than we have told each other many times how much we want to spend our lives together. He has absolutely not given any indication that he isn´t serious, I know he loves me and wants to be with me.

 

I guess I should be more patient and believe that these things will happen in time, but I just get a bit stressed when it feels like I don´t have any control of it. I mean, I don´t wanna be that much over 30 before I´m hopefully lucky enough to have a child.

[clia]

If I were you, I would not quit your job that you love and move in with him until you have a serious discussion about marriage, kids, and timeline. You don't want to find yourself in a position where you have uprooted your life and he's in no rush at all to get married or have kids. In fact, I would recommend not moving in with him until you are engaged with a date set.

[hotpotato]

If I were you, I would not quit your job that you love and move in with him until you have a serious discussion about marriage, kids, and timeline. You don't want to find yourself in a position where you have uprooted your life and he's in no rush at all to get married or have kids. In fact, I would recommend not moving in with him until you are engaged with a date set.

 

Agreed.

 

Why buy milk when you've got the cow for free?

 

Every now and then you see the thread...

"I'm moved in with my boyfriend 10 years ago, but he doesn't want to get married and have kids."

 

Why would he? He at that point doesn't gain anything from marriage and kids are an expense and an inconvenience.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I also don't see how living an hour apart is such a huge hurdle, if you really wanted to move in with him, and extra two hours of commuting would be no problem.

 

I know people who commute even farther than that and are married.

It isn't ideal... but neither is living apart right? All comes down to what means more to you. Heck he should consider it too.

 

Or you both could just move inbetween the two places and it would cut the commute in half.

[Yeahsussu]

If I were you, I would not quit your job that you love and move in with him until you have a serious discussion about marriage, kids, and timeline.

 

In fact, I would recommend not moving in with him until you are engaged with a date set.

 

I see your point, yes. But isn´t is also a bit of a risk getting engaged before you have ever even tried living together?

[TigerCub]

I see your point, yes. But isn´t is also a bit of a risk getting engaged before you have ever even tried living together?

 

Not really an engagement can be broken off.

 

I wouldn't marry someone then live with them - because a divorce is a bigger hassle, but breaking off an engagement and giving back a ring - doesn't seem that involved.

[hotpotato]

I see your point, yes. But isn´t is also a bit of a risk getting engaged before you have ever even tried living together?

 

Living in together is a more recent custom.

 

My grandparents never lived in sin, and we married 50 years. My grandparents never moved in together before marriage, and theyve been married 30 years. Really, marriage will change your relationship anyway. It comes with different expectations.

 

If you are really going to spend the rest of your life with this person, why not enjoy living alone while you can?

[miss_jaclynrae]

Living in together is a more recent custom.

 

My grandparents never lived in sin, and we married 50 years. My grandparents never moved in together before marriage, and theyve been married 30 years. Really, marriage will change your relationship anyway. It comes with different expectations.

 

If you are really going to spend the rest of your life with this person, why not enjoy living alone while you can?

 

I would much rather live with someone first. Not only because I think it is more fun, but there is some **** I cant tolerate that I could only find out by actually living with the person. Not to mention, no more "best behavior" bs, you see that person in their natural element.

[Yeahsussu]

I would much rather live with someone first. Not only because I think it is more fun, but there is some **** I cant tolerate that I could only find out by actually living with the person. Not to mention, no more "best behavior" bs, you see that person in their natural element.

 

Totally agree with you here. No matter how much you love your partner, when you live together you see all the sides of your partner that you maybe normally don´t. You get to experience "everyday life" with him or her. Therefore I would absolutely move in together with my Bf before getting enganged.

[hotpotato]

I would much rather live with someone first. Not only because I think it is more fun, but there is some **** I cant tolerate that I could only find out by actually living with the person. Not to mention, no more "best behavior" bs, you see that person in their natural element.

 

I found out plenty about the other ex without having to live with him. I just spent a lot of time with him including travel and sleeping over.

 

To each his own, I suppose.