"I don't want a relationship"

[LilySun]

This didn't happen anytime recently, but other times in life...when a guy says this, I take it personally.

 

Does it mean he doesn't like you enough for a relationship? Does it mean you are not girlfriend material? Or is it situational, like because of where he is in life (divorce, job, etc).

 

A guy told me this once so were only in a casual relashp for several months. That is long over now but now I hear he with a woman that has kids. Which means he must be serious about her. I take it personally that apparantly she is good enough but I wasn't...

[Philosoraptor]

Sometimes it means exactly what they say, they don't want to be in a relationship. Sometimes it means they just don't want to be in a relationship with you.

 

Either way, it's just a straight up way to let you know if you're looking for a relationship with this person you're not going to get it. Take their honesty as a good thing as it allows you to move on without wasting a bunch of time.

 

Not everyone is going to match up well with you, don't take it personally.

[LilySun]

At the time he lived pretty far away so I took that as a reason...so when he moved back in town I wanted to spend more time with him, but that isn't what happened...I was hurt and disappointed...but oh well.

[Mrlonelyone]

What philosoraptor said. I would be in that kind of position right now. My life is too unsettled right now to start a brand new relationship. Don't assume he is serious about the woman with kids. People subconsciously select partners they could never ever commit to long term when they really don't want a relationship. He could be with her, paradoxically, because he sees it would never work out.

[Ninjainpajamas]

INCOMING EPIC LONG POST!!!

Many women get their wires crossed when it comes to this...In one sense it is very personal because the fact that this guy is with you but doesn't want a relationship with you is typically one of the reasons he is with you in the first place.

 

So basically a guy could be "hanging out" with you while you are "seeing where it goes" but he's either in one of these scenarios;

 

- Emotionally involved with another woman

 

- Emotionally withdrawn due to a prior experience (relationship, marriage, divorce, life circumstance/situation etc...) and therefore not going to let you or anyone else in no matter what you do, because he's got to open that door not you...however in many cases a man falls for the rebound or the girl right after her when they are emotionally frail.

 

- Fear of commitment/trust issues, life-long bachelor (minority here that actually stick to it, as most try to conform and force their way into relationships/marriages at any rate then destroy that or settle)

 

- Doesn't see you as "relationship material" because you probably don't fit the mold in some way, but you are good enough to casually be with you...sexually, intimately, etc...that doesn't mean however that it can't feel "right" and be intense to you, that's where many women get lost and think it's going somewhere...but that's just how you feel mostly...women think they often know how men feel and that's an unfortunate self-manipulation tactic that draws you in even deeper than you should be

 

- Selfish/dishonest person/manipulator prioritizes his own emotions over others...he's just someone that likes to play the field in general and sees himself as being transparent even though he finds himself in certain predicaments with women...he justifies his behavior for his own desire/needs...he can either be ruthless or suave in terms of personality

 

That's just the basic gist of it in general terms...there's lots of ins and outs of it, lot of different excuses, strategies or tactics guys use to get around to telling you the real truth...and you should never expect it, any man who would say/express how he truly feels is essentially throwing himself under the bus, and self-preservation is important to men...to protect their pride and ego, so they often lie to themselves and believe in things they know aren't true but convinces themselves and others to satiate their guilty conscience.

 

Getting some guy you're intimately involved with is very unlikely to admit the truth, not even on anonymous forums...I can't even get the guys to spill the beans on here because there's this mental self-preservation block/denial thing...I mean nobody wants to be misunderstood or feel like the "bad guy", plus men get a bad wrap for not jumping into relationships and wanting a relationship with every Jane or Susie.

 

You also have to remember that men are very ego based, so often times they are insecure and gravitate towards women they feel in charge or command with...something that doesn't make them feel vulnerable or lack confidence, that's why you see a lot of guys fall back with women who comparatively don't size up to you, but you're looking at it from how "you feel" you don't know how he feels or why he's really choosing her and it's not "love" either.

 

I've heard a lot of arguments from women like this;

 

- I can change him, I can get him to see what I have to offer and how he'd be a fool to pass me up

 

But because the guy wasn't very likely with you without any prospect of a relationship anyway, you're trying to live up to a standard you can never reach...he never expected you to achieve that status because in a guys head you're either it or not, and once that's decided there's nothing you can do to change it.

 

- Why did he choose her over me?

 

Like mentioned above, it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you. You were never really a choice or realistic one at least, you were just someone he was with out of consequence of what was going on in his life...those two are separate worlds and intended to be, it's an escape or distraction from his real life.

 

- How can I get him to commit to me or when will he be ready for a relationship? it's been X amount of time.

 

Time is not a question here, a man has already decided from the beginning what your long-term "potential" is, women can meet a man they're half-interested in and then develop these deep kindred connections with mr. okay at first, now he becomes the greatest thing on the planet...with men it doesn't work that way, you cannot go from bang-worthy to wifey, or just-okay-for-now to woman-of-his-dreams, it just doesn't work that way...guys already have an expectation, and yes a lot of it is visual but not the way way you view it as a woman...that girl may look from your perspective like not all that, but something about her can be completely more attractive, whether physically or otherwise.

 

There is also nothing for him to "realize", nothing you can do can alter the state of his ultimate desire in a relationship/wife, physically speaking you probably just don't do it for him among other things. Your other efforts cannot make up for this, at best you're asking this man to settle for something he doesn't really want.

 

When a guy says "I need time" he's lying, he's just buying time.

..........

 

What women need to realize is their feelings are their own, because the common mistake is "oh I know how he feels, I know he felt it...he kissed my toe and gave me a teddy bear or this that and whatever else I told myself was significant...so why didn't he just want me?" because, at the end of the day you didn't hit the mark...you can convince yourself until you're blue in the face or tell me how much this guy really had this strong connection but it was just timing or whatever and whatever....but what you don't know is that guy chose you for a reason, the timing wasn't on accident...even if you met completely by chance...he saw a vulnerability in you or an attraction in which he was drawn to you...he knew based on where he was emotionally and subconsciously without even thinking or knowing it that you were the "right girl" for that point in time....and even if he indulged in that moment and said things that you hold him accountable for or gestures as a token of his affection or undying love and true long-term potential, the guy because of where he was in his life and emotionally didn't really mean it in the real world...for the long-term.

 

But again, men will not tell you the truth....they cannot stab in you in the heart by admitting to your face what they really think about you and what they said but never felt. And look at many women, they hardly need convincing when they are certain of their emotions, they usually just rationalize some half-cocked excuse that they and their GF's devised in order to just provide some kind of closure...because they want to believe in it, they have to believe that there is some way to make things work out or that he just "messed up".

 

So it's easy to understand why men perpetuate the lies/deceit and whatever it is you believe in already that doesn't need to be justified unless challenged in which the guy is typically defenseless to and provides no real convincing argument, but besides that it's so they don't have to endure the wrath or consequence and admit to the fact that they don't truly feel that way or never did...and what it was really about....your fluffy vagina, or the way you took care of him or were an emotional punching bag or whatever else, women have many uses, and men are in many ways dependent on them.

 

So should you take it personal? I guess, if that's what makes you endure the responsibility of not doing something right or living up to some expectation you thought you could meet...in the end though you were just that girl in his life that for whatever reason he needed at the time.

 

Do people really do anything in their lives or not make choices because of someone else? not really, they're pretty much making the choices for better or worse for their own lives, whether they derive from issues, needs and desires...feelings only play a small role, so why would take it personal what someone is doing to themselves...for themselves.

 

In the end this all has nothing to do with "love", you're not chasing him because of love even though that's what you're telling yourself...it's something inside of yourself that is missing that this guy perpetuates, something insecurity and vulnerability that he exposes...that makes you question why you and not her...even though in the big picture it has nothing to do with him or her but you.

 

But trying to convince a woman of that while she's "in it" is near impossible, because she can only come to realize after she's over it or experienced something different...until then, it's like zombie mode and you'll go around every obstacle in whatever twisted way possible to get them brains.