snilljente Posted November 17, 2004 Posted November 17, 2004 I have been seeing this guy for a couple of months...we live around 45 minutes from each other and he works nights, so we have only been seeing each other once a week at most.....Last night, I went to his place for the first time...it was nice, we just hung out and then somehow he started into a pretty personal talk about how he didn't think he would be a good boyfriend/husband, that he had seen his brother/uncle who are married/dads and he isn't like them....he said he likes me, but that his relationships never seems to work out in the past because the girl wants more attention.....and gets upset because he doesn't spend enough time with her....he said that "he hopes that I can be patient with him" and that he is trying to figure out what he wants.....I told him that he seems "so so" about me and that this is kind of weird for me because guys usually pursue me more aggressively...he said that this is just the way that he is...doesn't show his feelings that much, but that he does like me...I wouldn't say that I liked him...said I might and he said, "You don't like me" and I joked around and said "I am not sure yet"....I did this because he pursued me more in the beginning and then when I started to reciprocate, he seemed to pull back...I talked to him about this last night and he said that this is not true....and I said that it seemed that way to me....He makes alot of plans with friends and never invites me...he said last night that he doesn't usually include a girl in activities with his friends unless he is serious with her and that he takes relationships very slowly...I told him that he should do what he wants, that I only want to be with someone who considers themselves lucky to be with me and me with them.....he said that that is true and he misses have a relationship, but he just doesn't believe that something can last a long time (i.e. marriage, I have been married, he hasn't..I'm 36, he's 33)...I told him that I wasn't planning on asking him to marry me next week, and that I could stop calling if he wanted..he said, NO....I like you.....I kind of said I had to go and while I enjoy his company and don't know if I want to be exclusive with him at this early point...what he said was very confusing... very mixed messages......Opinions? I need help figuring this one out....
Naive Posted November 17, 2004 Posted November 17, 2004 If you would have not said your age I would have thought you were like 19-22. I think you guys are mature enough to play games like these.
Merin Posted November 17, 2004 Posted November 17, 2004 Seems that he does like you, but isn't certain he wants this to become a "relationship" and for whatever reasons he felt the need to share this information with you... maybe he thinks you want a big serious thing with him, so he was giving you a heads up? At any rate.. It's my thought that when he has told you he ISN'T going to make a good bf/husband.. probably a good idea to believe him? blah sucks! If you want to continue to date him.. all good. Just don't look for him to give you what you probably would want at some point.. committment. Good Luck Girl
Author snilljente Posted November 18, 2004 Author Posted November 18, 2004 Naive...not sure what part of what I wrote you considered games....we were being very honest with each other.....it was just confusing..is this what you meant by games.....Merin...I think you are right...I sent him a text after seeing him the other night just saying that it was good to see him, bla bla bla....short but sweet...that was over 24 hours ago....thinking about just telling him that he is clearly trying to tell me/show me that he isn't THAT interested if he can't even take the 30 seconds that it takes to acknowledge a text/phone message.....I mean, I don't think this is asking alot.....oddly, he made the statement the other night when we were talking that I don't call him very often....DUH...if you aren't going to respond for a couple/few days, how fun is it to call someone who is in no hurry to call you back....should I just send him a message saying that I am going to let him go to figure out what he wants and I hope that we can be friends?!
kellyp1 Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 We must be dating the same guy. My guy and I are both 33 and I recently had the same conversation with him. His background: he has had a few girlfriends sleep with his friends and doesn't want to get hurt. So instead, he works hard to not get close. It's too much baggage and if you believe you are worth more its cause you are. Tell him to play by your rules or walk. I did it, it hurt but I know someday I will meet a guy who can love me without reserve.
Merin Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 Originally posted by snilljente Naive...not sure what part of what I wrote you considered games....we were being very honest with each other.....it was just confusing..is this what you meant by games.....Merin...I think you are right...I sent him a text after seeing him the other night just saying that it was good to see him, bla bla bla....short but sweet...that was over 24 hours ago....thinking about just telling him that he is clearly trying to tell me/show me that he isn't THAT interested if he can't even take the 30 seconds that it takes to acknowledge a text/phone message.....I mean, I don't think this is asking alot.....oddly, he made the statement the other night when we were talking that I don't call him very often....DUH...if you aren't going to respond for a couple/few days, how fun is it to call someone who is in no hurry to call you back....should I just send him a message saying that I am going to let him go to figure out what he wants and I hope that we can be friends?! Honestly, I wouldn't call him girl.. If he's worth being with... he will call you back and make the time for you. You can do better:)
NatoPMT Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 Youve only been seeing him a couple of months, he may well be prudent to take things slow. My bf did this to me at first. We had no 'where are we going' conversations at all, he mentioned one night he didnt feel the need to see me all the time, and i agreed that i was in the same place (errr, lied), he told me at 4 months that he couldnt comprehend 'forever' and maybe we wanted different things in life, i just let it go , said i understood and lets just see what happens naturally. He said he didnt know if he was good bf material and this really really concerned me because i was head over heels with him, i was worried id try & force situations but i kept my cool, didnt badger him, didnt bring it up, and just concentrated on having a good time together. now he has no problem with 'forever', things a extremely good, hes 100% committed to me. My bf also was bad at returing calls, didnt stay in touch when we werent together, texted v sporadically The blatant differences i see in your situation are: His age - he's 33. My bf is mid twenties. You see him only once a week, id feel uncomfortable with someone i was investing in only seeing me once a week after a couple of months. If he wants to get to know you, its going to take twice as long plus once a week is 'best behaviour' night too - so you arent really getting to know each other in depth He's NEVER spent that much time with a gf He was more keen in his pursuit at the beginning, and seems to have relaxed his courting He keeps you & friends seperate What i am getting to (eventually) is that if you are able to enjoy this for what it is at the moment, a light-hearted relationship with no strings at this stage, and keep it that way, things may develop. However,you have no guarantee of that happening and given the key differences between someone who is wary due to it being a new relationship, plus someone who may have committment issues, i would treat this as a fun fling if you are able to. He's warned you by telling you ex's have always wanted too much attention Dont expect anything off him - good luck! BB
Author snilljente Posted November 18, 2004 Author Posted November 18, 2004 Kelly, I don't think that this is a matter of him being hurt in the past....honestly, I think he wants his cake (the perks of having a woman in his life) and to be able to eat it too (still live like a bachelor for the most part)......He has FOUR cars and TWO motorcycles and is very much into having FUN.....which I get the feeling he doesn't equate with having a girlfriend.....funny, I can be a pretty fun person giving the opportunity, he he . Anyways, Merin and Blue....I am going to consider him someone to hang out with (no intimacy) when I don't have other plans...and I am going to keep looking for Mr. Right....that way I am covering my bases...and I won't call him.....if he asks again why I don't call...well, I will just say what I wrote in this post earlier....it's no fun to call someone who is so clearly unenthusiastic in getting back to you.
Withnail Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 Well sniljente, I think your man is immature and is probably scared to make that jump of growing up. Im 34 and in no way guy friends get priority over my woman. In college maybe but not now.
Author snilljente Posted November 18, 2004 Author Posted November 18, 2004 He said that "I hope that you can be patient with me because I like you"....so what should I do....yes, I do think he is afraid of making the "leap"...his parents divorced and he doesn't see LTRs as working...whereas, I do if both people are truly committed....I am glad that we are close in age because often I get much younger people giving me their input..I appreciate your feedback.....should I continue to see this guy casually and not keep it a secret that I am going to date other people as the opportunities arise since he is so hesitant and I don't want to put all of my eggs into one basket?
Withnail Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 Well thats hard for me to say, only you know if hes worth the wait. Im sure he must have some redeeming qualities, and how long and how intense are these couple of months that youve been together? If there is a wavelength problem between the two of you, then that could take a while to surmount. I have a saying though :If one is pondering of leaving, then that is because one should leave. Why else would one think that.
Author snilljente Posted November 18, 2004 Author Posted November 18, 2004 hmm....interesting....well, I will keep you posted..I have to go to work now....the two months have not been intense...we have both been taking it very slow, but I think it is now obvious that there is chemistry and that we enjoy each other company, which could possibly be triggering this "panic" reaction in him....go figure, I don't know you guys are compicated....he he....
Withnail Posted November 18, 2004 Posted November 18, 2004 Alright, and remember, keep it simple lol Good luck
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