Nataliejo Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Not quite sure how I feel about them... Back story, Been seeing partner for almost a year now, he is married but separated from his wife. I was friends with his wife during high school but weren't best friends and didn't keep in contact once school was over, apart from the polite head-nod if we walk by each other... Had her on Facebook for years, but didn't speak or pay attention... I knew she got married, about 2 years back but didn't delve into it. We are both 22 now,so she married young... My partner is 24. I didn't know, meet or speak to him until the end of last year, they broke up around march last year. Well she married (let's say Jake) and a year and a half later their relationship broke down... I have been told so many rumours... 1) he was cheating on her with her brothers fiancée (seems to be the most widespread one) 2) she was staying at her friend (erics) house until early hours most nights, when she and Jake split, she moved in and started a relationship with Eric within a week or two (and was apparently just looking for an excuse to leave the marriage, I know she is still in a relationship with Eric, and I know for certain that she did get with him shortly after she and jake split as I checked her Facebook) You can guess who's version is whose (even though I haven't heard her side, that is what some of our mutual friends say) There's been other little bits but I try not to listen to rumours... Well, I found his divorce papers that he got through the other day... There was nothing about adultery, she had claimed the divorce was through him acting in an unreasonable way which made it impossible for her to live or be with him... BUT... In the comments box, she had written details of how her brother had found him embracing another woman (i believe it was the brothers fiancee) at a house party they were all at and spent the rest of the night hanging with her instead of being with his wife (weird behaviour but that embrace does fit in with the story that all of her friends have told me -that he got found kissing his wife's brothers fiancée at a party which sparked the split) although the divorce papers say embracing not kissing... She also mentioned that a few days after they split, she learned of sexual phone calls he had made to other women (he's never mentioned this to me and I doubt there is any evidence of this left after all this time if it did happen) I know I should be glad that she hasn't full-blown accused him of cheating on her on the divorce papers even though she claimed he did when they split (according to her friends who still believe he was having an affair) as I am sure if he had, and she knew about it, she would have used adultery as reasons for the divorce. I don't know, I shouldn't have looked, I know I shouldn't, they are private but he has always said that she didn't mention anything about cheating in the papers, he's been given them before but never signed them. Now he's been handed them again, and he is finally going to grant her the divorce. I just feel uneasy, he's done nothing for me to suspect him of any foul play, but there are always women trying to flirt with him, even when I am standing right next to him, he never entertains them though (at least whilst I am there) Should I talk to him about me reading them? Do I just forget what I read as what happened between them is none of my business? I believe him when he said she was looking for an excuse so she could swan off with Eric whilst shifting the blame so she didn't look like the one who wanted out of their marriage, playing the victim if you will and turning people against him... But I don't know if I should blindly believe that he was faultless? I know I am ranting, it probably doesn't sound like a big deal to anyone but it really is to me... Can anyone offer me some advice or their thoughts about whether I should talk to him about me looking through his private business.. Thank you all xxxx
Quiet Storm Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 People don't always divulge everything in divorce papers. They don't always like to air their dirty laundry, and they may minimize or generalize to keep certain things private. It sounds like you don't trust him. Regardless of whether he is trustworthy or not, you have doubts. You don't have true intimacy in your relationship...there's snooping going on, secrets, insecurity. It is never smart to date a married guy, separated or not. There was a lot of sneakiness happening on both sides in his marriage. Those patterns may be hard for him to break. He shouldn't have started a serious relationship right after his marriage ended. He didn't have enough time to heal or learn from his mistakes. He just jumped right to a new girl. Without time to reflect and without serious introspection, he will be more likely to repeat the unhealthy aspects of his marriage. If you want an authentic relationship with true intimacy, you have to tell him you snooped. There is a common saying pertaining to close relationships- we are only as sick as our secrets. Secrets, omissions and lies do serious damage and break bonds. Honesty is required for a healthy relationship.
HokeyReligions Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 You need to be honest. You are both young but should realize that you are both products of your lives. Everything you have experienced including relationships, are the building blocks of who you are now. Your relationship is still young. You have to know each other better and build trust.
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