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Awkward Position: Asking EX's mom for Letter of Recommendation

TheAlchemist

By TheAlchemist
in General Relationship Discussion

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TheAlchemist Member

TheAlchemist

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So since my last post, everything with my gf has greatly improved. Everything has been great right now, and I dont want to disturb anything but.....

 

I am in the process of applying to a number of electric engineering schools for my phD and my ex- gf's mother is a former mentor of mine and a former department chair at the engineering program I am applying to at a very very good university. My ex and I broke up on rough terms about 5 years ago, but we smoothed everything out 3 years ago and we are amicable. Out of respect for my current gf, I don't speak to my ex gf. My current gf hates my ex for her own personal reasons and hates even hearing her name.

 

I have no hard feelings towards my ex and I have always had a ton of respect for her mom. She was the first person who inspired me in pursuing a degree in electrical engineering and I believe that she can give me a great recommendation.

 

So here is my problem, would you have a problem if your SO contacted his ex's mom for a letter of recommendation? Out of fear of starting WWIII, i contacted my ex's mom for a letter of recommendation without telling my current gf...and she agreed to write a great recommendation. Should I feel bad I didn't tell my current gf?

almond Established Member

almond

Posted
Posted

You simply asked this woman for a letter of recommendation - it is not a big deal in any way, shape or form. You should not feel scared to tell your girlfriend about this! Do not live your life stepping on egg shells.

 

This is your education we're talking about, and if your girlfriend's insecurity is bad enough for her to want to interfere with that, they you have some serious issues. You should not enable this behaviour. Tell her, and if she pipes up, tell her she needs to sort herself out ASAP.

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TheAlchemist Member

TheAlchemist

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You simply asked this woman for a letter of recommendation - it is not a big deal in any way, shape or form. You should not feel scared to tell your girlfriend about this! Do not live your life stepping on egg shells.

 

This is your education we're talking about, and if your girlfriend's insecurity is bad enough for her to want to interfere with that, they you have some serious issues. You should not enable this behaviour. Tell her, and if she pipes up, tell her she needs to sort herself out ASAP.

 

I totally agree with you, its just that I have gone through such a rough patch with my current gf that I am so paranoid of disrupting everything going well right now.

almond Established Member

almond

Posted
Posted

Are things actually going well, or have you just been breaking your back trying not to set her off?

 

If you want a future relationship with this girl, then you have to actually work through and resolve these issues, not hide them.

 

The fact that you felt the need to keep this from her is telling - this sort of thing can be quite damaging for you. You should not fear your partner's responses to such simple, innocent things. You need to see if she is willing to work on this, because if not, this will be a continual problem that will likely ruin your relationship.

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TheAlchemist Member

TheAlchemist

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Are things actually going well, or have you just been breaking your back trying not to set her off?

 

If you want a future relationship with this girl, then you have to actually work through and resolve these issues, not hide them.

 

The fact that you felt the need to keep this from her is telling - this sort of thing can be quite damaging for you. You should not fear your partner's responses to such simple, innocent things. You need to see if she is willing to work on this, because if not, this will be a continual problem that will likely ruin your relationship.

 

I actually told my gf like 10 minutes ago and she didn't take it well...but this is for my future and she should get over it. She believes this is a way for me to invite my ex back into my life. I have told her this is not my intention because If i really wanted to talk to my ex, I would...and thats not the case. I just had a great relationship with her mom, she was a great mentor and is someone who can write a very good recommendation for me....and yes I guess I am treading lightly so I don't cause friction

Maleficent Established Member

Maleficent

Posted
Posted
You simply asked this woman for a letter of recommendation - it is not a big deal in any way, shape or form. You should not feel scared to tell your girlfriend about this! Do not live your life stepping on egg shells.

 

This is your education we're talking about, and if your girlfriend's insecurity is bad enough for her to want to interfere with that, they you have some serious issues. You should not enable this behaviour. Tell her, and if she pipes up, tell her she needs to sort herself out ASAP.

 

I totally agree with this.

 

It's not like you're going to dinner with your ex or anything. For all you know, you probably won't even see her in person (your ex).

Maleficent Established Member

Maleficent

Posted
Posted
I actually told my gf like 10 minutes ago and she didn't take it well...but this is for my future and she should get over it. She believes this is a way for me to invite my ex back into my life. I have told her this is not my intention because If i really wanted to talk to my ex, I would...and thats not the case. I just had a great relationship with her mom, she was a great mentor and is someone who can write a very good recommendation for me....and yes I guess I am treading lightly so I don't cause friction

 

Wow.

I'm sorry man.

 

But seriously, do you want to spend the rest of your life treading lightly for stupid reason?

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted (edited)
So since my last post, everything with my gf has greatly improved. Everything has been great right now, and I dont want to disturb anything but.....

 

I am in the process of applying to a number of electric engineering schools for my phD and my ex- gf's mother is a former mentor of mine and a former department chair at the engineering program I am applying to at a very very good university. My ex and I broke up on rough terms about 5 years ago, but we smoothed everything out 3 years ago and we are amicable. Out of respect for my current gf, I don't speak to my ex gf. My current gf hates my ex for her own personal reasons and hates even hearing her name.

 

I have no hard feelings towards my ex and I have always had a ton of respect for her mom. She was the first person who inspired me in pursuing a degree in electrical engineering and I believe that she can give me a great recommendation.

 

So here is my problem, would you have a problem if your SO contacted his ex's mom for a letter of recommendation? Out of fear of starting WWIII, i contacted my ex's mom for a letter of recommendation without telling my current gf...and she agreed to write a great recommendation. Should I feel bad I didn't tell my current gf?

 

 

I've never been the petty jealous type who tries to control the man I'm dating. I don't expect the man I'm in a relationship with to be the best of friends with his ex, but I don't have a problem with them speaking cordially, so long as he exhibits respect for me and sets boundaries. That said, I am ALL for supporting the person I'm with in pursuing their dreams and ambition and cannot imagine why anyone would be upset because you asked your former mentor, who happens to be your ex's mom for a rec.....wtf...it's not like you're asking your ex, and even if you were, I'd still understand why in this case you would. Your ex doesn't even have anything to do with this as she isn't the one you had to speak to.

 

I think your gf would be very spoiled, irrational and selfish if she got upset that you asked for this. But I do get her being upset if you hid it though.

 

I agree with the poster who said that if you're scared to set your partner off over simple stuff then maybe you should think about the future of this relationship and if stuff is truly "fixed" or you're just walking on egg shells not trying to rock the boat. I also agree that gfs come and go....so don't allow yourself to be deterred from your path because of your gf.

Edited by MissBee
Trimmer Established Member

Trimmer

Posted
Posted
Don't EVER let a girlfriend come in the way of your education. EVER. Girlfriends come and go but the education you get now will always be there your entire lifetime. Tell her if she doesn't like it she can pound salt.

I agree with this. And I would point out even further that considering you are entering a graduate program, this isn't limited to just your education, but this is the beginning of your adacemic/professional networking, which has implications for the rest of your career path and thus your whole life. This professor is an incredibly valuable contact that could very positively influence your career, not only now, in terms of getting into a program, but also in the future, as far as possibly getting introductions, and opening professional and academic doors in other ways.

 

Building a good network can be a huge factor in your life, and you've got a great contact in this professor. This is about you and your life plans long term, and is separate from your past relationship. If your current girlfriend can't wrap her head around that, maybe that's all she should be... your current girlfriend.

 

Please don't compromise this very valuable academic contact or this important life/career/academic choice just to stabilize your girlfriend.

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