married sis cheats, gets pregnant, moves in with guy - coping as family member?

[sallymae]

My sister has been married for 17yrs and has 4 daughters ages 2-16 with her husband, who is a tight family member. This spring she announced on facebook that they were separating and with that courage informed her husband - this was the deal. They continued to live together and she accused him of cheating based on texts and vented about his infidelity, so all my friends got involved and worried. Having been cheated on myself, old pains welled up in me, I listened but it was very hard. At the same time, I knew my brother-in-law was truly in love with her and that she had withheld sex for a long time, so I could not give advice.

 

By summer she moved in with our parents and days later announced that guy bought this house and she could live in it free. A week later she called to tell me that she was in love and wanted to talk about sex - I told her I didn't want to hear any details. A month later she got pregnant with this guy, and my family is just trying to roll it, visiting this guy's house and going to events with them now.

 

I started to wonder who this guy was, so I asked family and friends (small town). Now I know that she was out with this guy alone for well over a year. One family member informed me that this guy confided to him the her husband beat her…this guy was immediately corrected and told to back off. More than one person talked to her directly and told her it was not cool to flirting publicly. Extended family apparently saw other things, so they have not been talking to her for a while - it's all news to me.

 

She lied to me, cried to me, and drained me emotionally for a long time. I am absolutely sickened. My sister has not called (used to call monthly for long chats) since I communicated to parents that I refused to not judge her. She is still married (not legally separated either), having another man's baby, and dragging her children through muck, while proclaiming that she is in love with the "best guy". I can not accept this new guy because he dated a married person with children, secretly for a long time, until he got her free from her husband…its sick to think they might have had a chance to work it out if third parties were not intent on wooing them apart the entire time. Of course a single guy not supporting 5 others has more money to wine and dine stay at home mom…don't get me started. A year ago my sister was declaring true love for her husband of many years over the phone - a year later - another guy?

 

I can't say anything to a pregnant woman about the magnitude of my pain and upset, without poisoning the life growing inside her - so I am happy to not talk right now. Yet, I am upset about online stuff for the first time ever. My sister and her husband unfriended me on facebook (I have never posted to their pages by the way, my sister commands everything still). I feel completely kicked out of the family because I can't support everything or ignore it, without ignoring whole people….did I really just loose my immediate family because I refuse to accept this? (My distant family is the only family who have spoken up in disgust at this point, and I feel like I have to switch camps quick for lack of family).

 

Has any one else had issues coping with family members who go this route, and what was the long term outcome of your response to the situation?

 

Could you ever get over your disgust of the person who dated this married person and subsequently shackedup/married them?

[LostInTheWild]

If one of my family members chose this route, so be it. They are my family no matter what. Situations like this are not uncommon. If I were you I wouldn't let it affect MY life. See, I think this is the problem -- you are letting this situation affect your life when it really has nothing to do with you. If your sister is happy, be happy for her even if you don't agree with how she is handling her life.

 

I think this is a major issue in this country. We seem to think we can control everyone's lives when something happens we don't think is necessarily "right" but only being defined by our "cultural values". We tend to make issues like this more about "us" when in reality you are looking into someone's life through a window -- accept they are different and move on. Just be happy for her. Help out your brother-in-law. Be supportive of your family and don't be judgmental.

[Misfortune]

If you don't like it, treat her as you would anyone else. People act as if you have to love, support and be happy with everything that your family does. The only think that makes them a bit different from anyone you meet in your life, is that they share some of your DNA/w.e and you never had a choice about them being in your life. You are your own person, don't compromise your morals because she did. If you don't agree it, don't support it.

[darkmoon]

"My sister and her husband unfriended me on facebook (I have never posted to their pages by the way, my sister commands everything still"

 

she quietly ducked out of contacting you, commanding nothing, you do not like her, well okay, this is not high crime