Not heard from pretty much boyfriend all week...

September 6, 2013

If you've been with him for a year, no problem in calling and asking him what the situation is like for him. It's not like you have known each other for a week or two. Remember, good communication is key to anything be it business or personal.

September 7, 2013

I think he just needs some space. I would leave him be during this time and let him call you when he is ready.

You know how they say, "A watched pot never boils"

or

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"

or how people need "room to breathe"

I think these sayings pretty much sum up what to do in this situation.

September 7, 2013

I would also recommend the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" for your situation. There's a chapter in there that talks specifically about your concerns.

September 7, 2013

I think he just needs some space. I would leave him be during this time and let him call you when he is ready.

You know how they say, "A watched pot never boils"

or

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"

or how people need "room to breathe"

I think these sayings pretty much sum up what to do in this situation.

I tend to agree.

Some of the best advice I've received of late is, "Do nothing."

When in doubt, I do nothing... seems to be working, for now.

September 7, 2013

I tend to agree.

Some of the best advice I've received of late is, "Do nothing."

When in doubt, I do nothing... seems to be working, for now.

Omg me too! You're so right.

I was meditating (started doing that after a stressful period recently) a few weeks ago when I was concerned about some relationship woes and I got that same message....Do nothing.

Doing nothing really works! lol

At the least it keeps your blood pressure low

September 7, 2013

I tend to agree.

Some of the best advice I've received of late is, "Do nothing."

When in doubt, I do nothing... seems to be working, for now.

That is great advice! Actions trump words so if you do nothing, you'll get to see their intentions by their actions.

That's what I find anyway.

September 7, 2013

Something that I used to tell myself when I was dating in my 20's was to 'stop rowing and see if the boat still moves'.

And not to age myself but no internet, no e-mail, no cell phone, no texting, no Facebook. I didn't even have an answering machine! lol So the guy had to call and catch me at home which was tough to do.

Anyway, I digress.

If you stop rowing and your relationship comes to a standstill, then you know where you stand in the relationship.

September 7, 2013

He's not happy. You're not happy. Time to cut ties.

Do the following:

1) Remove him from your Facebook. Delete and Block.

2) Send him a text that you're leaving him.

Leave on a high note.

September 7, 2013

When a girl cheats- us guys see it as she's dirty and tainted to a disgusting degree, like dropping a piece of candy in a puddle of vomit.

Couldn't agree more.

September 7, 2013

Yeah, he's even said if I cheated it'd be intolerable. That's something I'd never even think about doing though.

The thing is, he doesn't see this as cheating. For him, cheating is only physical. He didn't meet up with her, kiss her, have sex, etc so in his mind he is fine and he didn't cheat. He knew I'd not like the sexting though, which is why he hid it. Yeah, I totally liked finding out about it on my own much better.

When he has an opinion on how something is..that is that. Even if he is the only one in the world with that opinion..he is right and that is just how it will be. So I don't know how to get him to see it from my point of view..that it is wrong and hurtful. He knows it was hurtful but that's it.

And I know some people will say, "if he saw sexts in your phone to another guy he'd not like it" The thing is, he wouldn't care. As long as he knew beforehand that I was sexting another guy (I'm not) he wouldn't care. Because if that makes me happy then he's happy that I'm happy.

September 7, 2013

And I know some people will say, "if he saw sexts in your phone to another guy he'd not like it" The thing is, he wouldn't care. As long as he knew beforehand that I was sexting another guy (I'm not) he wouldn't care. Because if that makes me happy then he's happy that I'm happy.

This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read.

But yes, he knows his actions are hurtful. Despite what you want to think though -- he also knows they are wrong. If he didn't, he wouldn't hide the dating profile or the sexts from you. He'd tell you right up front, "Hey babe, I'm setting up a profile on Match to talk to other girls." Or, "Hey Brunettie, I have to call you back. I'm texting sexual stuff to other women." He doesn't do that. He hides it from you until you snoop and bust him out -- at which point he gives you a bunch of BS about how it isn't really cheating, it's not wrong, it's not a big deal, etc.

And you buy it. Every time. He knows you'll put up with his crap. He also knows most self-respecting women wouldn't put up with it, which is why he will keep you around until he finds someone else he'd rather be with in a truly monogamous way.

September 7, 2013

And if he'd be cool with you having profiles on a dating site, I suggest you start setting some up. You will need them, when this is all said and done.

September 7, 2013

This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read.

But yes, he knows his actions are hurtful. Despite what you want to think though -- he also knows they are wrong. If he didn't, he wouldn't hide the dating profile or the sexts from you. He'd tell you right up front, "Hey babe, I'm setting up a profile on Match to talk to other girls." Or, "Hey Brunettie, I have to call you back. I'm texting sexual stuff to other women." He doesn't do that. He hides it from you until you snoop and bust him out -- at which point he gives you a bunch of BS about how it isn't really cheating, it's not wrong, it's not a big deal, etc.

And you buy it. Every time. He knows you'll put up with his crap. He also knows most self-respecting women wouldn't put up with it, which is why he will keep you around until he finds someone else he'd rather be with in a truly monogamous way.

Yeah... I guess we're going to have to talk when he gets back.

But he says he doesn't care if I go on there and meet/ talk to guys but I think he does. One day he randomly texted me at school to ask me if when I met up with a guy in a few days if it was going to be a date, that he was just wondering. I said of course not. He said it was cool if it was a date that he just wanted to know.

I don't really buy that. If he didn't care if it was a date or not, he'd not have randomly texted and asked. He knows I'd never cheat or go on a date with another guy while I'm with him, which is why I feel like he says that. Because he can say "You can go date other guys and makeout with them, and I won't care" Maybe to make me think 'oh well, he says that it's ok for me to do that, so I should say the same for him.' It's easy to say it's ok with you when you know it'd never happen.

September 7, 2013

Yeah... I guess we're going to have to talk when he gets back.

But he says he doesn't care if I go on there and meet/ talk to guys but I think he does. One day he randomly texted me at school to ask me if when I met up with a guy in a few days if it was going to be a date, that he was just wondering. I said of course not. He said it was cool if it was a date that he just wanted to know.
I don't really buy that. If he didn't care if it was a date or not, he'd not have randomly texted and asked. He knows I'd never cheat or go on a date with another guy while I'm with him, which is why I feel like he says that. Because he can say "You can go date other guys and makeout with them, and I won't care" Maybe to make me think 'oh well, he says that it's ok for me to do that, so I should say the same for him.' It's easy to say it's ok with you when you know it'd never happen.

Do you not realize how f*cked up it is for your "boyfriend" to say that? What does that tell you about HIS level of commitment?

And of course you shouldn't buy it, because it's a load of horse dung. Why do you want a guy like that?

September 7, 2013

Do you not realize how f*cked up it is for your "boyfriend" to say that? What does that tell you about HIS level of commitment?
And of course you shouldn't buy it, because it's a load of horse dung. Why do you want a guy like that?

I know. He shouldn't want me to go out on dates with other guys.

I just want a guy to give me the same effort and love that I give them, and he used to be like this. I don't know what changed because I'm the same as I was when we began dating. I act the same (if anything, I'm not as shy) and I continue to do the same nice things, if not more.

I don't know what happened.

It's really hurtful because I give my all in the relationship.

Edited September 7, 2013 by Brunettie

September 7, 2013

OP, I went through something similar with my ex of a few years back. He was on a dating site when we were in a relationship and texted other girls. I stayed with my ex after he said he loved me and he would change, blah blah, guess what, he never did!

He eventually met someone on a dating site that he liked better and went off with her.

I know its difficult to leave someone you think you love. But is it worth it to stay with someone who always makes you feel you're not good enough, makes you always question his commitment to you, and has one rule for himself but another for you? Do you want to stay with someone who makes you feel like crap for the rest of your life? This guy has never been respectful to you, and you must know really that you deserve much better.

Real love doesn't make you frustrated, unhappy, or insecure.

Because he can say "You can go date other guys and makeout with them, and I won't care"

I'm sorry, but I honestly think he doesn't love you at all. This is never something you would say to someone you love. If you loved someone it would break your heart to even think about them with someone else.

Sometimes he may say he loves you, or he needs you etc. Forget what he says, it's so easy to spout lies. Think about what he actually does, which is lie to you and betray you, then make it out like he hasn't done anything wrong.

If he can't see that his behaviour is wrong and can't see or doesn't care that it upsets you then he will never change.

I don't know what happened.
It's really hurtful because I give my all in the relationship.

Sometimes we can never know what happened, unfortunately. Some people are A-holes, like your guy. They could be with the nicest person in the world and they wouldn't appreciate them. I really hope you listen to the advice on here and dump this guy immediately. Don't even speak to him again, just move on with your life and find someone who treats you as good as you would treat them.

Sorry to be so harsh, but I hate to hear people treated like this as I went through something similar myself, and you need a wake up call. You really deserve so much better than this person, I hope you see it soon.

September 7, 2013

He said it was cool if it was a date that he just wanted to know.

Geez.... add this to the list of things someone who loved you would never say or do.

Brunettie, I honestly think this guy is only stringing you along because he gets all of the benefits of a good girlfriend (regular sex, attention, affection, nurturing, etc.) without having to be a good boyfriend in return. You've shown him time and time and time again that you prioritize being with him over respecting yourself -- so he no longer respects you. That may well be what has changed since you got together. Nobody respects someone they know they can treat like dirt and walk all over.

September 7, 2013

[bitterness] Quality women that stay with *******s always pisses me off. I know for a fact there are much better men out there that they are overlooking. I don't understand women who put up with this behavior when there are much better men out there [/bitterness]

September 8, 2013

Geez.... add this to the list of things someone who loved you would never say or do.

Brunettie, I honestly think this guy is only stringing you along because he gets all of the benefits of a good girlfriend (regular sex, attention, affection, nurturing, etc.) without having to be a good boyfriend in return. You've shown him time and time and time again that you prioritize being with him over respecting yourself -- so he no longer respects you. That may well be what has changed since you got together. Nobody respects someone they know they can treat like dirt and walk all over.

Yeah...you're probably right. He probably is little by little trying to see how much he can do and get away with. Next time I see him, I'm going to put my foot down and tell him what I need and expect out of this relationship and we can decide what happens from there.

I sent him a long text earlier, that I knew he'd like a lot. He replied with "Nice." Which annoyed me. I asked if he could talk on the phone, and he said for a bit, then called me. (If he was able to talk on the phone, um, why didn't he just call me rather than waiting for me to straight up ask.) We talked for a little bit. About his training, my new job. He said he was walking around the city. After about 5 minutes he said, "Well, let me let you go, I'm going to hang out with the guys in the hotel now." So...3 minutes ago you're walking around in the city and now you're in the hotel? I think not. There was no 'I miss you' no 'I love you' nothing.

When he gets back, it's going to be the last straw. Things need to change drastically or that's it.

I honestly feel like I don't have a boyfriend, ever since he's been out of town.

Sunday, when we were celebrating our birthdays, he said he had my gift shipped to my house, to surprise me. He 'checked' the tracking info and supposedly it was left at my house but no one was there to get it. Someone is nearly always at my house and the way the mail works here is they just leave it by the door. They don't even try to see if someone is there. (unless it's really expensive and you pay to have it signed for, but he I know didn't do that)

So just to give him the benefit of the doubt, I waited all week for it. No package. So it's probably safe to say he didn't ever order it. He got his gift on time though (actually, 2 weeks early..not to mention the big surprise party I planned and funded). It's not like he doesn't know when my birthday is. We've been talking about it for a month.

Just ugh. I feel so horrible right now. I don't want to wait til he gets back to have this discussion, I want to have it right now.

Edited September 8, 2013 by Brunettie

September 8, 2013

Last straw? Put your foot down? That sounds to me like you would rather continue this relationship as opposed to ending it.

September 8, 2013

Last straw? Put your foot down? That sounds to me like you would rather continue this relationship as opposed to ending it.

Well in the beginning things were literally 100% perfect in every way. If things can go back to that, then yes, I would.

Whenever he's done stuff I don't like, I generally just am like, eh whatever. This time we're going to have a real talk about how I need this to go, rather than him telling me what he needs (or feels he needs in terms of not wanting monogamy but him being willing to have it for now).

I need monogamy. So if he right off the bat doesn't want it then there's nothing to try. I don't want him sexting girls, hiding things from me (I'm going to find out eventually, and soon at that) and I need communication. He's at training, yeah, he's busy. But at night he isn't. He can do whatever he wants. There is NO excuse for 4 days to go by and us not talk. None. And it's not acceptable. He's over there hanging out with guys (who assuredly are communicating with their SO's) and playing on his new tablet without a second thought about his girlfriend. Last time he had this 2 weeks training he talked to me every single night and called when he could. And that is how it's done.

I need him to do nice things (nothing has to cost money. Open the car door for me, brag about me once in awhile on facebook, tell me how much he loves me, surprise me with some flowers) . Say nice things. On holidays...have something ready. Don't be like, well I need to stop and get your gift.. It's no surprise that Christmas is on December 25th every year. That just makes me feel like he's not planning or thinking about me when he does that.

I know what you said, what everyone said. I just want to give him the benefit of the doubt. For me to do what I should've done a long time ago, and tell him what I do and do not expect and see if he can adhere to that. He has done that to me, and I've adhered to it, now I need to see if he will.

Edited September 8, 2013 by Brunettie

September 8, 2013

You will be wasting your breath having a "discussion" with him. You don't have to tell a man to respect you. You don't have to tell a man it's not okay to be trolling dating websites while in a relationship with you. You don't have to tell a man it's not okay for either of you to go on dates with other people while in a relationship. You don't have to tell a man not to lie about having bought you a birthday gift. You don't have to tell a man not to sext other women. Do you realize how ridiculous all of that is going to sound?

Your boyfriend is a grown man. He knows what he is doing is wrong. You can talk until you're blue in the face, and nothing will change because you tolerate his behavior. If you don't have the strength to walk away (and it sounds like you don't), I wouldn't even bother having a Big Talk. He won't take you seriously and will know you're just blowing hot air.

I have a feeling that this relationship will only end when he finds someone he does respect and dumps you. I wish you had enough respect for yourself to end it, but you seem like the kind of person who will have to ride this out to the bitter end. I can see it from a mile away, because I've totally been in your shoes. When this relationship ends - and it will - you will kick yourself for wasting a year of your prime on someone who treated you like total crap.

September 8, 2013

Have some self respect and bail on this guy.

September 8, 2013

OP. Take a bloody hint. This guy is not into you any more. He is not going to care about "putting your foot down" or the "last straw" because you've already proven yourself a doormat to him and he isn't in love with you. Sorry, girl, but you're in serious denial.

Send him all the long-winded texts and have all the "serious" discussions you want. It isn't going to make a lick of a difference because he DOESN'T CARE.

September 8, 2013

You should dump him.

Sidebar:

This generation of slimeballs don't know what they're missing. Sexting? Facebook? Dating sites? 10 - 15 years ago we were out there in the bars/clubs/parties/titty bars/class/work/social scene actually talking to and sometimes pulling girls. And there was no paper trail to hassle with. Just thinking about it gives me a headache.

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