Brunettie Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 (edited) I hung out with my boyfriend (of a year) on Sunday. We were celebrating both of our birthdays because he had to leave to go out of town for two weeks and would be missing them both. I spent the night and left early Monday morning. He spent Monday with his friends and family as did I. I sent him a text when I got home (as I always do). No reply, but I didn't think anything of it, he was busy the whole day. Tuesday morning he calls me early, to tell me happy birthday. We talked on the phone for 1 minute. No "I love you" was said upon hanging up, as we usually do. (he always says it when we go to hang up, but lately he might skip it once in awhile, or if I say it he'll say it back). And that's it. I've not heard from him since... He didn't tell me he arrived fine (as he always has done) nor did he call to see how my birthday went or what I did. I know he's ok, he has been on facebook, literally the entire day everyday since he's been gone. Yes, he is busy with work stuff, but it's only for 8 hours out of the day. He posts stuff on facebook and comments on stuff. Even tagged me in stuff, but hasn't talked to me. I'm not sure why. Before this we talked on the phone EVERY single day. And texted sparingly as well. So...this is obviously weird. I don't know if he's waiting for me to contact him, or what. We are kind of going through something right now. I don't know if it could have anything to do with this. But if anyone thinks they can help, or is bored lol, I don't mind disclosing the issues. Thanks in advance. The title is supposed to be "pretty much all week" my bad Edited September 5, 2013 by Brunettie
HappyLove Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Well, it's your boyfriend of a year so I don't see why you wouldn't call him to see what's up.
MrCastle Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I don't know what the "issues" are but if it's not serious I would assume that you guys are in a rut. I mean isn't that what usually happens after a while?
Author Brunettie Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 They are pretty serious issues. And I don't think a rut is necessarily expected to happen. Other than the issues (before them, they started not long ago) things were great. To make a long story short, he's unsure if he would be happy long term, in a monogamous relationship. And I guess you all can guess who just this very moment texted me. lol.
MrCastle Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 They are pretty serious issues. And I don't think a rut is necessarily expected to happen. Other than the issues (before them, they started not long ago) things were great. To make a long story short, he's unsure if he would be happy long term, in a monogamous relationship. And I guess you all can guess who just this very moment texted me. lol. Then it could be those issues and maybe they have not been totally resolved yet. As far as being in a rut -- every couple I know, after that 1 year stretch, become an old married couple. No passion, just going through the motions. It is quite gross. Although I guess seeing the opposite -- lovey dovey and smoothering each other even after an entire year together is equally vomit inducing.
Author Brunettie Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 Then it could be those issues and maybe they have not been totally resolved yet. As far as being in a rut -- every couple I know, after that 1 year stretch, become an old married couple. No passion, just going through the motions. It is quite gross. Although I guess seeing the opposite -- lovey dovey and smoothering each other even after an entire year together is equally vomit inducing. They haven't been resolved yet. We agreed to give it a little time so he can think about it. He said on Sunday that things are fine how they are 'for now.' I said I didn't want to be having this conversation every month and I needed to know. Then he said that he needs me to need him. Like in a primal way. Not be all romantic and need foreplay but just see him and have a desire so strong that I need him at that moment. Which doesn't really have anything to do with whether or not he will be happy in a monogamous relationship. I mean I guess it does a little. Just basically what happened was he was being extremely weird. I knew something was up, he was hiding something, so I looked in his phone and found sexts with another girl. I confronted him about it and he then said all of what I wrote. We hadn't really been in a rut. We would hold hands all the time in public, kiss, cuddle...basically be that 'gross' couple. lol
MrCastle Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 They haven't been resolved yet. We agreed to give it a little time so he can think about it. He said on Sunday that things are fine how they are 'for now.' I said I didn't want to be having this conversation every month and I needed to know. Then he said that he needs me to need him. Like in a primal way. Not be all romantic and need foreplay but just see him and have a desire so strong that I need him at that moment. Which doesn't really have anything to do with whether or not he will be happy in a monogamous relationship. I mean I guess it does a little. Just basically what happened was he was being extremely weird. I knew something was up, he was hiding something, so I looked in his phone and found sexts with another girl. I confronted him about it and he then said all of what I wrote. We hadn't really been in a rut. We would hold hands all the time in public, kiss, cuddle...basically be that 'gross' couple. lol I see. You are definitely in the right then as far as wanting a definite answer from him as to what you guys will be going forward. He should really give you a more concrete answer than the blurry lines he gave you.
HappyLove Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I'd be fuming over the sexting, isn't that cheating? 4
MidwestUSA Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 As far as being in a rut -- every couple I know, after that 1 year stretch, become an old married couple. No passion, just going through the motions. It is quite gross. Although I guess seeing the opposite -- lovey dovey and smoothering each other even after an entire year together is equally vomit inducing. Trying to figure out which category I fall in. 'Gross' or 'vomit inducing'? Do you have an option that splits the difference? 2
Author Brunettie Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 I'd be fuming over the sexting, isn't that cheating? I guess it could be considerd cheating. But yeah, I was insanely mad. About that and him lying to my face when I was casually asking about it, before I flat out said I knew.
curlygirl40 Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Brunettie I seem to remember other threads you have written about this guy in the past and gotten the definite impression from those threads that this guy is not as invested as you are. If what you want is a long term monogamous relationship that might lead to marriage, I think this guy is not it. And the sexting? No way. That's so disrespectful of you. It's cheating to me, I would end things with this guy. He's not your guy. He doesn't know what he wants, he's sexting with other girls. These are red flags that he's not good for you for the long term. Good luck 1
snowflakes88 Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Brunettie I seem to remember other threads you have written about this guy in the past and gotten the definite impression from those threads that this guy is not as invested as you are. If what you want is a long term monogamous relationship that might lead to marriage, I think this guy is not it. And the sexting? No way. That's so disrespectful of you. It's cheating to me, I would end things with this guy. He's not your guy. He doesn't know what he wants, he's sexting with other girls. These are red flags that he's not good for you for the long term. Good luck A million times this. OP, I've replied in your threads before and you always get defensive when I raise issues you've discussed about this guy before. All of it is relevant, though, because it goes to his character and the person he is. This is the same person who was active on Match.com in the middle of your relationship and told you he doesn't even think about you when you're not around. It doesn't matter if it was months ago -- a man who loves you doesn't do those things. Doesn't say those things. You are invested, and he is not. And he likely has 0 respect for you at this point, because he knows he can do things like go onto a dating site, text with other girls, say hurtful things to you, etc. -- and you respond by lavishing him with attention, trying to make things work, throwing him surprise parties, and buying him gifts. People treat you with the respect you demand. In this "relationship," it seems you demand none. 5
MrCastle Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Trying to figure out which category I fall in. 'Gross' or 'vomit inducing'? Do you have an option that splits the difference? No. I don't.
KatZee Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Oh wow, so this guy doesn't put forth any effort in the relationship, is on dating sites while with you, sexts other girls, and thinks its fine to drop out of your earth for a week at a time, and flat out tells you he's not sure he'll be happy in a LT monogamous relationship. Not sure why you're tossing in "Lol's" when you talk about these things. None of this is funny at all. You have serious problems here and I wouldn't advise remaining with this person. Your involvement and participation is at a 10 he's about a 3. If that. 3
Author Brunettie Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 Oh wow, so this guy doesn't put forth any effort in the relationship, is on dating sites while with you, sexts other girls, and thinks its fine to drop out of your earth for a week at a time, and flat out tells you he's not sure he'll be happy in a LT monogamous relationship. Not sure why you're tossing in "Lol's" when you talk about these things. None of this is funny at all. You have serious problems here and I wouldn't advise remaining with this person. Your involvement and participation is at a 10 he's about a 3. If that. my "lol" was not in conjunction with any of the information I was giving out. He's no longer on dating sites, hasn't been since whenever it was I posted about it. The other stuff though, would be correct. Although he did text me a little bit tonight. Apparently the training he's doing is very extensive and tiring, but I don't see that as an excuse. If he can find time to comment and post on facebook, there is time for a text. 1
Star Gazer Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 He called on Tuesday morning, and now it's Thursday evening. 2.5 days does not a week make, girlfriend.
Author Brunettie Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 He called on Tuesday morning, and now it's Thursday evening. 2.5 days does not a week make, girlfriend. lol, I know. We didn't talk Monday after I left as soon as we got up, and I don't really count the 1 minute phone call as talking tough.
Leigh 87 Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Did this guy ever put more effort in initially? Or, is it just LATELY that this guy has lacked motivation and interest? Try to not miss signs from the beginning with guys. Though some guys do act into you at first, only to change. I went through something similar with my ex. It did not end well, and my ex put fourth more effort than your guy is. Which, by the way; after 7 or 8 months to a year, my ex had not shown ANY bad behaviour and we were still very much in the money moon phase. So a year should not be dull or boring for him at this stage. My ex sexted girls and went on dating sites. I read everything without him knowing; he never physically cheated, but wow was I hurt. I should have left him. However, I made excuses for his behaviour. I would say: " well, I believe some men can be in love and still have the urge to talk sexual with girls" or: " hey, he would probably do this to any girl and not just me due to not caring much about me" ......................................................... Please do not stick around. I did, and he left anyway. While still claiming to be in love with me. One thing he did not do, was ignore me for a week.... He would NEED to talk to me daily, because in spite of every sh*tty thing he did, we were best friends essentially, and he was much happier in life if we spoke daily. ....................................................... You need to leave him. He probably likes you as a person, but he is certainly NOT " in love" with you! Honey, even my ex communicated DAILY with me when he was OVERSEAS, while he had sex with HOOKERS. I feel like this guy likes you enough to spend time with you and have sex with you, yet I feel there is that element of friendship missing from your "relationship" or whatever it is he classifies it as. He does not seem to have the tendency to want to talk to you no matter what, through hard times or otherwise..... I cannot imagine my ex not wanting to talk to me for days at a time. We were way too close, and he was very invested in me since he "thought" he was in love with me. ....When asked, I am pretty sure your guy would tell people that he is "single" You need to ask yourself what you want. Life is short. Have a think about what sort of guy you want! Personally, and I think I speak for most women here, I think you want a guy who: - texts and calls without going a week without doing it, even through the hard times - who NEVER uses " I am busy" as an excuse for NOT talking to you. When a guy truly cherishes you, he WILL make the time to text or call. Guys who are truly busy may not have much TIME to call, so perhaps they will STILL text instead, saying "goodnight, I love you" every night. - who undoubtedly makes you feel so loved, without you having to question things on here - who does nice things for you - who does not even MENTION his apprehension to staying in a monogamous relationship with you ................................................................................. You are wasting time with this guy. You are better off apart; he needs to find the right girl he feels he can me monogamous with, and perhaps have a personality adjustment since he does not treat you that well and should have had the balls to ends things with you since he probably knows he is not in love with you and SHOULD BE after this time, if you were the one for him. You also need to be open to the right guy. Which you are not while with this guy. Good luck. I promise that this will not end happily if you try to work things out with him. HE WILL leave in the end if you don't. I promise you that. He WILL realise he is not in love with you and that he wants other people.
Author Brunettie Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 Did this guy ever put more effort in initially? Or, is it just LATELY that this guy has lacked motivation and interest? He did. He'd talk to me constantly and surprise me with flowers, etc. Tell me he missed me that he loves me. I've not gotten either of those in awhile.. Although while we were discussing the issues I mentioned, he said he loved me, cared deeply about me, would be heartbroken if we broke up, and wouldn't be as happy without me in his life. He said he was really lucky to have me in his life But yeah, I see what you're saying... While texting me tonight, I don't know, it just felt weird. Took a long time to reply to some of my texts. he just ended it with "Night" Idk..
mercuryshadow Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 I sifted through some of your past posts and I really don't think this is an even-keeled relationship. I don't believe you are getting what you need out of it, and trust has been damaged due to his past inappropriate behaviors. I do think you'd benefit from distancing yourself from him as much as possible at this time, because from an outsider's perspective, this seems to be on the downward spiral. 2
Author Brunettie Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 I sifted through some of your past posts and I really don't think this is an even-keeled relationship. I don't believe you are getting what you need out of it, and trust has been damaged due to his past inappropriate behaviors. I do think you'd benefit from distancing yourself from him as much as possible at this time, because from an outsider's perspective, this seems to be on the downward spiral. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up I guess
AHaze Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 isn't that cheating? Definitely, but girls are suckers for "letting cheating slide" in my experience. When a girl cheats- us guys see it as she's dirty and tainted to a disgusting degree, like dropping a piece of candy in a puddle of vomit. Girls see guys cheating as just dropping a piece of candy on the floor, somewhat less desirable... but if she wants it bad enough then she'll pick it back up on a sly and shove it in her mouth
mercuryshadow Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Yeah, that pretty much sums it up I guess I understand that leaving someone you care about is very difficult and scary. A friend of mine is going through the same thing. I related to her the story of how I hung onto someone who was so wrong for me, who couldn't give me what I needed, and who I did not trust - for 5 years. I did it because I loved him and was afraid. I felt like I spent 5 years of my life waiting for validation from someone who very seldom gave it. I rarely felt secure with him. Something was so off, and remaining for so long really messed me up. I have to assure you, though, that beyond this guy, there is someone who can give you what you need in a relationship, and you won't find yourself surfing some love forum for answers. I did much better after I was able to leave my ex... I believe you should start to focus on yourself and leave this situation behind you.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 This guy has checked out of your relationship. I'm sorry, OP, but it just doesn't sound like he really wants this any more.
Scales Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Sorry to make this quick, but you should dump him. I know it is hard to throw away something you have invested in and someone you still care for, but he has no respect for your feelings. He is just doing what he wants right now and its disgustingly selfish. As others have said he has checked out. The sooner you can move on the better, you are worth more as a person.
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