My world is falling apart.My Fiance is going to cheat on me. Should I let her?

September 5, 2013

Hi All,

The last couple of weeks I have been going crazy and I need some advice. I ran across this website and hope I can get some help.

I am 27 years old. I have been with my 28 year old Fiance for almost 5 years. We got engaged a year ago and agreed we are in no rush to get married. I have been in many relationships but this is the first woman I have ever fallen in love with. I am absolutely, head over heels in love with this woman.

I treat her like a queen. I put her up on a pedestal every day. she has bipolar issues that she has been working on since we got together and she has improved many folds. I put up with all the crazy mood swings for 4 years. I stuck by her every second and supported her. she tells me she loves me all the time and talks about how she cant wait until we start a family. she is my best friend, she is my entire world.

This is the nightmare I am stuck in at the moment:

So as of a few weeks ago I started noticing she was acting differently around me. she was being secretive. We know each others facebook and email passwords and never lock our phones. One day I noticed she was trying to hide something on her phone as I caught her by surprise. I asked her about it and she was flustered. I know how she is so I let it go. Then the other day I logged into her Gmail account to check on a ticket I had bought and saw a message pop up from her friend, where they were talking about sex and she was telling him how she is arranging to go get eaten out on her upcoming vacation. My world just shattered. I was instantly nauseated and almost passed out. I immediately called her and confronted her. she said it was a joke and that's how her and Matt(her friend) talk. I pushed and she got defensive and tried to spin it around on me, if you don't trust me.. blah blah blah. During the past 5 years there was not even a second where I thought she might be dishonest about something.I just had a bad gut feeling. So I go into check her facebook account and she has changed her password, same with her email and phone as I later found out. So at this point I definitely know she is hiding something from me and it was driving me crazy. I confronted her about the way she has been acting and she says nothing is going on and I'm being paranoid.

So I hack into her phone and get all the text messages emailed to me. She has been talking with several guys, at least 3. they have been sending sexual pictures and texts back and forth and she is indeed planning on hooking up with a guy when she goes to Florida next week.

So here I am hoping to get my sanity back. I am so in love with this girl. I keep asking her if there is anything she needs to tell me or if anything is bothering her. I can not possibly see my self with out her. So what do I do. Do I confront her and tell her I know everything, Do I let this play out and see what happens? Even if she doesn't go through with it just thinking about those text messages and pictures and her blatantly lying to my face destroys me. I need some help guys.

September 5, 2013

You may love her and think you can't live without her, but the fact is she is a cheater. She has plans to meet up with some guy. This isn't a person worthy of giving your heart to.

I think your only option if you want a chance at saving this relationship is to show her the texts you found and flat out confront her. She can't blow it off as a joke if you show her the texts.

September 5, 2013

You may love her and think you can't live without her, but the fact is she is a cheater. She has plans to meet up with some guy. This isn't a person worthy of giving your heart to.

I think your only option if you want a chance at saving this relationship is to show her the texts you found and flat out confront her. She can't blow it off as a joke if you show her the texts.

I know but I just don't understand where this is coming from. In my eyes everything was perfect and one day I wake up to this nightmare. I just can not make my self believe that she would actually cheat on me, even though I am staring at the texts.

On the other hand, I mentioned that we have been working on her bipolar issues I Just don't know what would happen if I confronted her with the evidence. I care about here and don't want her to lose all the progress she has made. Or even worse. we have a life together, we own a house we are paying mortgage, we have 3 Rottweilers that I love like my children. I just cant stand to think that all I have worked for and put into this relationship can just fall apart so easily.

September 5, 2013

I know but I just don't understand where this is coming from. In my eyes everything was perfect and one day I wake up to this nightmare. I just can not make my self believe that she would actually cheat on me, even though I am staring at the texts.

There are a few options..

1 - she may not share your values. She may not think of what she is doing as wrong at all.

2 - she isn't as happy in the relationship as you are.

3 - her bipolar may actually be a BPD situation. Those with BPD are notorious for needing validation, needing excitement, etc. There may be more at play here than meets the eye. You may want to do some reading and see if you see your gf in BPD, and if so, read about BPD and cheating. It's very common.

4 - she's selfish and doesn't care about consequences.

On the other hand, I mentioned that we have been working on her bipolar issues I Just don't know what would happen if I confronted her with the evidence. I care about here and don't want her to lose all the progress she has made. Or even worse. we have a life together, we own a house we are paying mortgage, we have 3 Rottweilers that I love like my children. I just cant stand to think that all I have worked for and put into this relationship can just fall apart so easily.

If having an honest conversation is going to cause her to lose progress, well, she's on pretty shaky ground anyway. You can't live your life in fear of causing her to fall. You have to be able to be honest and open.

You either need to confront her or let her cheat. But letting her cheat doesn't solve any problems.

September 5, 2013

I know but I just don't understand where this is coming from. In my eyes everything was perfect and one day I wake up to this nightmare. I just can not make my self believe that she would actually cheat on me, even though I am staring at the texts.

On the other hand, I mentioned that we have been working on her bipolar issues I Just don't know what would happen if I confronted her with the evidence. I care about here and don't want her to lose all the progress she has made. Or even worse. we have a life together, we own a house we are paying mortgage, we have 3 Rottweilers that I love like my children. I just cant stand to think that all I have worked for and put into this relationship can just fall apart so easily.

YOU didn't do anything. I would confront, bi-polar be damned! Just have 911 on speed dial.

Tell her she can cancel her trip and stay and try to work on the relationship, or she can go to Florida. But, if she goes to Florida the marriage is off and don't bother coming back. Then walk away. Be firm and don't make this an idle threat.

If she leaves, collect up ALL of her sh*t and drop it all off at her folks. If they ask what's up, just tell them the truth, that their daughter is currently in Florida having an affair with another man. Let them blow up her phone and read her the riot act. Then, go home and change all of the locks.

Ignore all texts, phonecalls and emails. Block her on facebook.

September 5, 2013

Damn you said bipolar. Is she taking her meds, have they changed her meds? Friend, if she suffers from that disorder and she is planning to hook up with someone on her trip and chatting with others, Run. You need to start the process of disengaging from this one, this is what the rest of your life will be like. She will know it's wrong but will do it anyway, you will have a hard time getting her to understand your hurt. It will be way cheaper to get out of your relationship at this time than after your married with children. If she is already on this path I will guaranty you will be doing DNA tests in the future. Infidelity is often a symptom of the disorder, not all that are bipolar cheat, but those that do cheat often and well. My ex did it for two years, she also had a child with Other Man, I didn't know until a year after he was born, thought he was mine. I mean this, see a lawyer while she is preparing to leave, get your finances in order and prepare to move out while she is on her trip. Bipolar is for a lifetime and your path is quickly turning into quicksand.

September 5, 2013

Damn you said bipolar. Is she taking her meds, have they changed her meds? Friend, if she suffers from that disorder and she is planning to hook up with someone on her trip and chatting with others, Run. You need to start the process of disengaging from this one, this is what the rest of your life will be like. She will know it's wrong but will do it anyway, you will have a hard time getting her to understand your hurt. It will be way cheaper to get out of your relationship at this time than after your married with children. If she is already on this path I will guaranty you will be doing DNA tests in the future. Infidelity is often a symptom of the disorder, not all that are bipolar cheat, but those that do cheat often and well. My ex did it for two years, she also had a child with Other Man, I didn't know until a year after he was born, thought he was mine. I mean this, see a lawyer while she is preparing to leave, get your finances in order and prepare to move out while she is on her trip. Bipolar is for a lifetime and your path is quickly turning into quicksand.

When I first met her she told me she was recently off her meds. She told me the doctor told her that if she thinks she can deal with it on her own she is ready. Our relationship has been up and down and she has definitely improved 100 fold but I don't even know what to think. at this point I'm just trying to make it through the day.

September 5, 2013

wow, you sound like a door mat waiting to happen. Like you are already determined to go through the worse kind of hell. If she is talking like this with other guys, my friend, she isn't even close to the person you claim you love. Your view of her is warped and it looks to me like you are already begging to have your heart twisted and stomped on for a long long time, far longer than need be.

You have to grow a pair. The relationship is ALREADY far different than you ever dreamed of, so you need to drop your fairytale ideas about her, because they will lead to more pain that needed.

This lady is a cheater,not the little princess you have built up in your mind. She did just wake up last week and turn in to this new person. This person was always inside her and you have let your pedestal keep the truth out of reach. I suggest you see this person for who she is instead of who you wish she were.

September 5, 2013

I am really sorry for your pain. I DO know how it feels.

However, be glad that you found out before the wedding.

Normally, I am hopeful. But in your case I would say: Cut her loose. Move on.

September 5, 2013

Do not have kids with this woman. I had much less warning than you do now, and am now facing a divorce after a 14 year marriage/18 year relationship. We have a 10 year old daughter.

Run, Run now. Avoid the hell that I am in, wasting 20 years on someone who will only lie to you and cheat on you. She may seem great now...but clear your head of hormones and everything else and look at what's really going on. If she's a liar, how can't you believe anything she says??? Does she lie about other things too? Smaller? Mine did.

This whole thing is a red flag the size of a freight train. Get off the track, run like hell. I know it sucks and seems horrible to have to cancel plans, tell your family, etc, etc. But imagine how much worse it will be later down the road. You are young, don't waste your life on this cheater.

September 5, 2013

YOU didn't do anything. I would confront, bi-polar be damned! Just have 911 on speed dial.

Tell her she can cancel her trip and stay and try to work on the relationship, or she can go to Florida. But, if she goes to Florida the marriage is off and don't bother coming back. Then walk away. Be firm and don't make this an idle threat.

If she leaves, collect up ALL of her sh*t and drop it all off at her folks. If they ask what's up, just tell them the truth, that their daughter is currently in Florida having an affair with another man. Let them blow up her phone and read her the riot act. Then, go home and change all of the locks.

Ignore all texts, phonecalls and emails. Block her on facebook.

This is precisely and exactly what you need to do.

Tell her she's got a choice...she can have a relationship with you (that she's going to have to fix due to the damage she's done)...or she can go on this vacation and hook up with whomever she likes.

But not both.

Make it crystal clear...once she's gone, there's no coming back.

Exactly what I told my wife when she was in an EA with someone she met online. She could go and "see if what they had was real"...or she could stay and work on a relationship with me. But if she got on that plane...there was no coming back in any way, shape, fashion or form. And I MEANT IT.

September 5, 2013

Damn you said bipolar. Is she taking her meds, have they changed her meds? Friend, if she suffers from that disorder and she is planning to hook up with someone on her trip and chatting with others, Run. You need to start the process of disengaging from this one, this is what the rest of your life will be like.Truer words were never spoken! She will know it's wrong but will do it anyway, you will have a hard time getting her to understand your hurt. It will be way cheaper to get out of your relationship at this time than after your married with children. If she is already on this path I will guaranty you will be doing DNA tests in the future. Again, so true! Infidelity is often a symptom of the disorder, not all that are bipolar cheat, but those that do cheat often and well. So true! My ex did it for two years, she also had a child with Other Man, I didn't know until a year after he was born, thought he was mine. I mean this, see a lawyer while she is preparing to leave, get your finances in order and prepare to move out while she is on her trip. Bipolar is for a lifetime and your path is quickly turning into quicksand.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

This. This is right on target! My sister is bipolar and one of the most charming women you will ever meet! She cheated the whole time she was married. My bro-in-law tried to work with her to help her do better for their entire marriage until she finally left him after 25 years and three kids who were messed up. She would take the kids with her to her lovers' houses sometimes. And abused the kids in other ways, too. Her husband was a minister. The entire time she was cheating she was telling her H that he was her "hunk" and buttering him up all of the time. She had at least one pregnancy that wasn't his, which she terminated but it's thought that one of their children isn't his. She broke his heart when she left him and then became very angry when, after several years of being single he wouldn't take her back and then remarried a great woman he had met after they were divorced.

She is now remarried to someone else but shortly after she remarried her son caught her on a compromising phone call with a man other than her husband.

Don't try to work this out with fiancee. I doubt you can change anything about her. Just separate your life from hers while she's in FL. And save yourself (and any potential kids) a lifetime of heartache!

September 5, 2013

WAKE UP! Aren't you afraid of catching God forbid HIV? If you think this is her first time you're crazy. I wouldn't care if she went to Fl or not, think about your life and leave this fool.

September 5, 2013

I am going to be another that supports ChiTown and Owl's remarks.

If you want to salvage this relationship, you cannot be a softy about it. Confront her with your evidence, give her the choice to go to FL or not, and make it clear that if she goes, there's no coming back to you. And I totally agree with her stuff being dropped at her parents. THAT is how you fight for your relationship. The reality of what she is doing needs to hit her squarely in the center of the forehead like a hammer. It also shows that you respect yourself and won't tolerate disrespectful behavior. A woman cannot love a man she doesn't respect and right now she thinks you're a fool.

Read up on "the 180."

As for Bi-polar, there is no "going off your meds when you're ready." It's a lifetime condition. Lithium is the gold standard and it's common to supplement that with Lamecdol (sp?). Going off her meds means she has invited her manic-depressive behavior back.

September 5, 2013

"When people show you who they are, believe them."

-Maya Deangelo

My advice is going to be different than the other's. My advice is to stop, take a deep breath in and let it all out. Clear your head and then get down on your knees, put your hands together and thank the Good Lord Almighty that he has allowed you to see through the haze of love and see her for who and what she really is before you are legally joined in marriage and have children and mortgages and such together.

Then when you are done thanking the Lord, pack up her stuff and put it out in the drive way for her to pick up. If she has some heavy stuff that you think she may need help with, take a picture of it and send to her boyfriends and see if they'll help her pack it all up.

Then go out and do some stuff you've been wanting to do for a long time but haven't because you've been busy with her.

September 5, 2013

I just cant stand to think that all I have worked for and put into this relationship can just fall apart so easily.

If she is mentally ill then the reason it can fall apart so easily is because it was never really there to begin with. It was a façade and a charade. She was a master manipulator and through her own smoke and mirrors played you.

She could pull it over on you for awhile but it is all finally starting to unravel and get exposed piece by piece.

If you do some more detective work you will find a lot more damming evidence. If you look back objectively you will see red flags and warning signs that you missed or ignored. If you talk to your (or especially HER closest friends, they will break down and admit that she is a loose cannon and played you)

It's better to find this all out now rather than later.

I am sorry this is happening to you:(

September 5, 2013

. I am so in love with this girl.
.

Don't worry, you won't be for much longer.

September 6, 2013

Signs of big trouble:

-I have been in many relationships but this is the first woman I have ever fallen in love with. I am absolutely, head over heels in love with this woman.

-I treat her like a queen. I put her up on a pedestal every day.

-I can not possibly see my self with out her.

You've got bigger problems than a cheating woman.

Dealing with a cheater is a straightforward process. First, accept the fact that she's...oh, about 50-miles ahead of you in the process and act accordingly. Break it off and don't look back. Second is understanding that the harder you try to make her stop, the harder she'll pull the other way.

Prove your love by not accepting anything less than you're willing to give. She's acting single while in a relationship? Make it official: You're single.

Much harder will be breaking the emotional need you've developed that allows this -or any- woman to become your identity. Good faithful women do deserve to be loved and respected, but never put on a pedestal. Reserve that place for God only. Never, ever lose yourself in a relationship or place the burden of your happiness upon it. Many relationships are ruined this way. Cheaters deserve none of this. Never reward bad behavior with gifts. Chumps do this. The needy and weak of character try to 'buy' back love.

All spoken from experience friend. To thine own self be true.

No one is saying it'll be easy. It won't. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you can fix anything beyond your control. Reject this and move on.

September 6, 2013

Everyone in this thread makes fair comments, and a few of them have commented on my situation where my ex-gf slept with a guy 3 times in December last year.

From my personal experience, you can probably see that everyone is making logical sense - this is also no doubt what you would advise anyone else to do. If you are trying to argue against the logic (as I have done in my thread), remember that this is your heart speaking that is desperate to find a way to keep her.

Also if you are like me you will cycle between agreeing with all of us that leaving her is the right thing to do, and then thinking of ways to forgive her or things she could do to win you back. You can cycle between these extremes 3 or 4 times a day and, believe me, its REALLY stressful and confusing.

In contrast to me, your girl has not YET cheated (at least as far as you know). Confronting her is DEFINITELY the right choice. Forget about her bipolar for a moment, think of your own needs here!! She may not know what you found, but she will at least know you are suspicious. If you don't confront her, do you think she would respect you? What does that say for a future relationship?

Finally, if she is thinking of cheating, then she is not in love with you like you are with her. FACT. Could you cheat on someone you are in love with? EXACTLY. Put the cheating aside for a moment - do you want to be with someone who does not feel the same about you?.... all the stuff about the house and the dogs is just administration that can be sorted out with a lawyer.

September 6, 2013

I want to thank you all for the responses. It really helps tremendously. I guess I know what I have to do here. Grow a pair. It just feels like a bad nightmare and I need to wake up. I'm going to take the weekend and collect my self and prepare to confront her.

bladerunner. Snap out of it!!!

If you marry this girl, you are in for a world of heartache and pain for as long as you are with her. That I can guarantee you.

When people say they love someone that is bi polar and being unfaithful, then the only thing they have to go on that "love" is physical appearance or sex. Because there are no other redeaming qualities here.

I hope you aren't letting the little head think for the big one here. Because if you stay with her, you are headed for a trainwreck.

Its really not that. I don't want to sound conceded but I am better looking and in better shape than she is. I get hit on all the time. I was not so attracted to her until after I well in love with her, which took only a few weeks. I feel like she bewitched or drugged me. I am not sexually attracted to anyone else and she looks more beautiful to me than what my eyes are seeing. I feel pathetic as I am a strong confident, independent man and feel like I am being completely trampled like a ****ing door mat.

I really want to thank everyone for all the advice. I need to take all the emotions out of it and look at the situation logically. It sucks but it could have been a lot worse and I need to man up.

September 6, 2013

I guess I know what I have to do here. Grow a pair........I am better looking and in better shape than she is. I get hit on all the time. I was not so attracted to her until after I well in love with her, which took only a few weeks. I feel like she bewitched or drugged me. I am not sexually attracted to anyone else and she looks more beautiful to me than what my eyes are seeing. I feel pathetic as I am a strong confident, independent man and feel like I am being completely trampled like a ****ing door mat.

I need to man up.

So glad you're going to man up and grow a pair, Bladerunner!

But, please be careful when you confront her. The text bolded in the above that explains what has happened with your eyes (vision of her) can also happen with your heart when she uses her words to excuse her actions. These types can be deceitful and conniving with their speech.

I wrote earlier on here about my bipolar sister and her lifetime of extreme sexual exploitation. She could talk her way out of a barrel at the bottom of the ocean. And she often uses tears, lots of emotion and seeming repentance to drive home her point and cause people to feel compassion for her. Either that or she will use anger and defensiveness to make her point. You never know what you're going to get with her but one thing's for sure, you never get normal behavior in her day-to-day life!

September 7, 2013

Bladerunner you know what you have to do.

Your GF is not who you thought she was.

Secrets, lies and a physical affair in the making.

You cannot control her but you certainly can control your actions.

So do it.

And stop accepting her nonsense. Trust your gut.

HM

September 7, 2013

Everyone in this thread makes fair comments, and a few of them have commented on my situation where my ex-gf slept with a guy 3 times in December last year.

From my personal experience, you can probably see that everyone is making logical sense - this is also no doubt what you would advise anyone else to do. If you are trying to argue against the logic (as I have done in my thread), remember that this is your heart speaking that is desperate to find a way to keep her.

Also if you are like me you will cycle between agreeing with all of us that leaving her is the right thing to do, and then thinking of ways to forgive her or things she could do to win you back. You can cycle between these extremes 3 or 4 times a day and, believe me, its REALLY stressful and confusing.

In contrast to me, your girl has not YET cheated (at least as far as you know). Confronting her is DEFINITELY the right choice. Forget about her bipolar for a moment, think of your own needs here!! She may not know what you found, but she will at least know you are suspicious. If you don't confront her, do you think she would respect you? What does that say for a future relationship?

Finally, if she is thinking of cheating, then she is not in love with you like you are with her. FACT. Could you cheat on someone you are in love with? EXACTLY. Put the cheating aside for a moment - do you want to be with someone who does not feel the same about you?.... all the stuff about the house and the dogs is just administration that can be sorted out with a lawyer.

Nice post, James.

September 7, 2013

I want to thank you all for the responses. It really helps tremendously. I guess I know what I have to do here. Grow a pair. It just feels like a bad nightmare and I need to wake up. I'm going to take the weekend and collect my self and prepare to confront her.

Its really not that. I don't want to sound conceded but I am better looking and in better shape than she is. I get hit on all the time. I was not so attracted to her until after I well in love with her, which took only a few weeks. I feel like she bewitched or drugged me. I am not sexually attracted to anyone else and she looks more beautiful to me than what my eyes are seeing. I feel pathetic as I am a strong confident, independent man and feel like I am being completely trampled like a ****ing door mat.

I really want to thank everyone for all the advice. I need to take all the emotions out of it and look at the situation logically. It sucks but it could have been a lot worse and I need to man up.

This is a lot of progress from your first post.

Keep in mind when you confront her, she will LIE and she will MINIMIZE. You will WANT TO BELIEVE HER. Be very skeptical. Don't take her at her word, ask her for proof. Don't let her tell you that you HAVE to trust her, that her word is enough. She can earn back your trust, but that takes time. Don't believe any stories that don't make sense. Example: Matt and I always joke about guys eating me out. NO, they don't.

September 7, 2013

I don't understand why you would want to wait and see if she cheats when you have the proof at hand. It's like putting a barrel of gasoline in your house and throwing a match at the barrel to see if it will burn the house to the ground when you know full well that it will.

Confront her with the evidence and let her know that the only trip she can look forward to is to visit an attorney. For God sake, don't wait.

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My world is falling apart.My Fiance is going to cheat on me. Should I let her?

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