Heeelp! Mixed signals from my ex. What does he want to happen to us?

[misspandorable]

Okay, I'm pretty certain that the question of whether an ex wants to get back together or not has been raised a lot, but I want to share with you my own story, as I couldn't find anything on Google that's close to my situation.

 

My love story's sort of long, but believe me, I tried my best to summarize it:

 

We met (and are both still) in high school. Our school is a special school for the arts that provides scholarships to all of its students. It's situated on a mountain, around two hours away from the capital. We're required to live there during the week. I'm one year level higher than him, though he is four months older than me (he is sixteen and I am fifteen going on sixteen). Lots of my friends used to rave about him because he was a guitar major and he looked cool, but I didn't consider him to be the cutest of all back then. After a few months people were telling me he had a crush on me, and I thought it was cute so I started talking to him. We became friends in October 2011 and things took off from there.

 

He's a Gemini and I'm a Libra. According to horoscopes, we are one of the most compatible matches in the zodiac. I liked to believe this because he was very sweet to me. He used cheesy pick-up lines (but they were very cute and I do appreciate his effort), he played songs for me on his guitar and he called me his princess. He said he thanked God everyday for me because he never thought he'd have a chance with a girl like me. He said I was the type of girl who was "up there", the type of girl he would only ever have the chance with in his dreams. He made me very happy.

 

We weren't officially together but if people didn't know better then everyone would've thought we were. It was so much more than a mutual understanding. He was my first on so many levels. My first true love, my first serious relationship, my first kiss and first sex (yes, I know someone's bound to comment that I'm a slut as I lost my virginity when I was fifteen, but it felt right at the time - and I promise we didn't rush right into it). He was the first guy I brought home, the first guy my parents accepted to see as my lover, the first guy I actually saw myself with in the far future, which I might mention, we talked about a lot. We talked about traveling the world together and merging our careers (we're both aspiring musicians, though I was in a different major), having kids (we even agreed on baby names) and living life the way we wanted. My family loved him and his family loved me. He was more than a lover, he was my best friend. So yeah, in short, we sort of were together, just minus the title.

 

At the end of last school year, I found out that my scholarship wasn't going to be renewed and that I would have to look for another school. I appealed twice but the school refused to let me back in - without a reason, I might add - and my art teachers have tried talking some sense into the directors' heads but nothing they said worked. So I ended up taking a year off. My guy was very supportive. He said that my dreams wouldn't and shouldn't stop there, and that neither would we. He assured me I was still his present, the woman he loved, and I believed him despite my worries that we would now have a long-distance relationship.

 

We saw each other just once in the summer, and then once around late June or early July (school had already started by June). We had sexual intercourse both times. He promised he would spend every weekend with me but I knew he couldn't fulfill it, knowing the workload you get from that school. I was right. And then things started to get rocky. I never heard from him all throughout the week, only on weekends. Understandable because I know he's busy with school, but it shouldn't really be an excuse - I mean, I wish he at least said good morning or good night, just to let me know he was thinking of me. When I pointed this out to him he said he was sorry and he did start texting me in the middle of the week, even if it was just once the whole week. It was okay with me. But after a while he stopped, and I started noticing a lack of interest from him (he barely said "I love you" or the other usual sweet stuff).

 

Just this August, he ignored me for nearly three weeks. It was really hard for me, not having any communication whatsoever, especially because it was already so rare. I didn't text him during the week because I knew he was busy, but when the weekend came I flooded him with messages. On the Friday of the second week, I put on a positive attitude because the he would be coming home to the city on that day. I decided I would apologize for smothering him.

 

On that same day I logged onto Facebook, and my friend told me she heard rumors. She was very hesitant but I got it out of her. She said she heard my guy had a thing with another girl. I didn't want to believe it because he's just not that type of guy. So I asked a couple more of my friends (who are in his batch) and they said it was true, that they wanted to tell me but that they wanted him to be the one to say it. They said the girl liked my guy and my guy was starting to like her back. I was crushed. I left my guy a couple of messages but he didn't reply to me, so I texted his mom (we're kind of close). She said that she would talk to him, but she couldn't promise me anything more than her friendship. That night my mom got this news out of me because I was behaving strangely.

 

The next morning, I caught him online on Facebook and it seemed like he didn't want to talk to me. He said internet was choppy so he logged out, but he texted me moments after he did. There was a lot of tension. When I brought up the topic of him and the girl, he denied it, even laughing, saying that there were "no deeper feelings than friendship". Then he found out that my mom got it out of me, and he got angry. He said, "So your parents hate me for something that isn't even true? Something that you heard from one 'honest and true' person? Well, that's a bummer," and "Do you like seeing me hurt? Well, it's a good thing we're texting then." I said sorry for not asking him about it first but he ignored me for the rest of the day. I gave him some space for a few hours but when I figured he wasn't going to reply again, I started sending him long sorry messages. He replied around eight in the evening. I asked him why he didn't love me anymore, and he said that he did, that that would never change. Then I finally got it out of him: he said he wanted to cool off, that he was suffocating and he needed space. That we could be friends but without the lovey dovey stuff. He said he wanted to focus on the important things (school, music, family, himself as an individual) and I respected that. It was just so hard for me because of all the rumors circling around. But honestly, it sounded more like a break-up than a break. In the end when I asked what he would tell people if they asked about us, he asked if he had to answer, I said yes please, and he said he we were no more. We broke up last August 17, 2013. I was heartbroken at its finest. We talked more that night, and he was much friendlier towards me after we broke up, I was glad for it, but I was also very, very sad. Who wouldn't be, right? I thought we were meant to be. I wrote him a goodbye letter that night on his journal, which he left with me as well as a bunch of his other things. And then I cried. I cried a lot. I talked to my dad about it the next day and it made me feel a little better, but it didn't last. I wanted to tell him I still loved him but I refused to break the silence. It was especially hard because the rumors kept coming in. My friends were telling me that my ex and the girl were both only after sex, and that my ex told one of my friends that we broke up before we actually did. It annoyed me.

 

I was doing good after a week. I never stopped thinking of him, but I gathered enough energy to swallow my food again and I surrounded myself with friends. People were being sympathetic on the internet - they left me messages on Ask.fm, both sweet and rude (to my ex). I tried to answer them as politely and honestly as I could. And then this sort of war just started. The girl that was rumored to be my ex's new girl was getting hate on her Ask.fm and on mine (people were dropping me messages calling me sweet names and her a slut). I tried to keep things as clean as possible. Then the girl chatted me up on Facebook and she said she knew I was mad but that most of the rumors weren't true. So yeah, we talked and she thanked me for being so kind. She said that I was right, that my ex was a sweetheart, which is why he and I were perfect for each other. I was touched, I couldn't think of being bitter after that.

 

Meanwhile, my ex was stalking me - it was sort of obvious. He liked a status I posted on Facebook during the week (take note that he's not home during weekdays and he has no internet access during the week because he goes to school on a mountain). Someone also left me an anonymous message on Ask.fm asking about something only he would've known about. You see, before we broke up I sent the girl a message asking her to take care of him - I was desperate and I admit it was stupid. The question was, "Why did you ask someone to take care of (insert ex's name here)?" and I answered, "The answer couldn't be more obvious. :)" The next message was, "I am very proud of you :)" and it was anonymous but I just knew it was him. And then, well, it was a long weekend, and he wasn't due to go back to school until Tuesday. He liked my status on Friday and I received that message on Saturday. On Sunday, he did something he told me he wouldn't do - he read the messages I sent him on Facebook. I sent him these before we broke up as well, but after we did I told him to just ignore it and he kept his word. But on that day I saw there was a "Seen" (yes, I do check lol) just minutes before I opened our messages. One of my best friends also pointed out that he posted a status (which is a VERY rare thing for him to do) minutes after I saw the "Seen". All he said was, "F*ck sh*t :(" I tried not to flatter myself too much and I think I succeeded.

 

That next week, I was busier than ever. I was rehearsing for a performance and I was also assisting a nursery class in my elementary school as a part-time job (they offered it to me because they found out I took a year off). It worked out well because I love kids and I've always wanted to be a pre-school teacher. We had an alumni party on Friday night, I saw a bunch of my friends and I performed. It was amazing. Then on the way home from the party, around nine-thirty in the evening, I got a text and it was from my ex! He asked me how I was, complete with smiley faces in all of his texts. I said I was fine and when I asked him the same question, he said he was "getting by", which I found sort of funny, because he was the one who broke it off in the first place. Anyway, he said thank you for being so careful with my words on Ask.fm (confirming that he was stalking me), and for not hating him or answering bad things about him. I just said "You're welcome :)" because I didn't really want to get into the convo. Then he said he was sorry if he hurt me and if he suddenly disappeared. I asked why he was saying that now, and he said, why just now because he had to gather strength because he was scared of how I would react. Why all of a sudden because (these are his words) "you are my closest friend and I love you and I don't want you to feel so empty." I said it hurt more because he kept it from me but that he gets to decide for himself how slow or fast he goes with things anyway. I said sorry for smothering him, too, and he said, "It's okay I just really need to focus on my priorities right now. Besides you. :)" That got me crazy. He was pretty much saying I was still important to him, right?

 

Midway through the conversation, however, things started to get confusing. He said the reason why he texted was because communication heals (my best friend pointed out afterwards, "Look who's talking. Wasn't he the one who messed it up in the first place by not communicating enough?"). He also said that it hurt him to be accused (of seeing another girl), that he wanted to see me and set things straight with my parents. I told him my parents are entitled to maturity and that they'll hear him out. And then he said, "But they think I left you for (insert girl's name here), and I wouldn't do that. You should know that by now. :*" That kiss face drove me crazy.

 

He said he wanted to prove that if he had an affair he didn't want me to know about, then he wouldn't have made it so open like everyone describes him and the girl to be because one, he doesn't keep secrets from me (and I can usually tell when he is anyway), and two, in the two years he's spent on the mountain he knows that the people in that school can't keep a secret as well. I said, "yes, just like those girls you kissed for truth or dare. Pretty concealed, I didn't even taste the difference," because yes, I did find out after our break-up that even when we were together he's been kissing girls for games. I asked him, "How could you?" and he said it was a game. That he even put his face on his batchmate's crotch, as if that was supposed to help. Things started to get emotional and he asked if I could call, I said I didn't have load to call his carrier, and he didn't have load to call mine, but he promised to call me the next day. He apologized for how the conversation ended and then assured me he would call the next day.

 

The next day, well, he didn't call, lol. I waited until around eleven in the evening. I sent him a message telling him not to toy with me because the break-up was hard enough, and that I didn't get over him as easily as he got over me (I wasn't over him at all, but I wasn't going to let him know that). He replied saying he was seriously sick, and I said I was sorry because I didn't know. He said it was okay, but that he was going to bed now. He said he thought he had hepatitis.

 

Then just yesterday, one of my friends asked if I was sure he had hepatitis, and I said, no, he only said he thought it was hepa. My friend said the girl (okay, let's just call her "Jojo") said that my ex told her it was over fatigue. I was a little taken aback, because Jojo knew better than I did, but more importantly because I was expecting a call from my ex. How come he's not able to call me but he's able to text her?

 

The same friend told me that my ex went back to school today, and that he gave Jojo a gift. The whole class was teasing them, saying that Jojo's smile was different and stuff. I don't get why he would get her a gift? I mean, nothing wrong with that, seeing as friends give gifts to each other, and I figured maybe it was a make-up gift for not being present during her undergraduate recital, but still, it was very out-of-nowhere.

 

It just doesn't make sense to me. I just don't think he would go against his word like that, right after he just told me that he wouldn't leave me for another girl. I believe I know my ex better than anyone else but recently I've been feeling like I don't know him at all. I think the reason why I listen to all these rumors is because I'm so desperate to hear from him but I don't. Everyone's saying that my ex seems pretty all right, that he doesn't seem to be affected by the break-up at all and that he even sat beside Jojo on the road trip back to the city just days before we broke up. But then the ex I know isn't really the type to showcase all of his emotions unless you're really tight with him. And I don't get the deal with our conversation. He said I was his closest friend (one friend pointed out I was being friend-zoned, but we called each other "best friend" even when we were together), he loved me, he wanted to see me, I was still one of his priorities, he would never leave me for another girl, he was having a hard time moving on, he gave me the kissy face, and apologized all in one night. And then he says communication heals, and when I told him I asked my dad, "What if he comes back?" he jokingly said, "Comes back to your house? :)" but I'm sure he knew what I meant. What is he trying to say? So many mixed signals that I can't figure it out.

 

I honestly don't believe things between us are over. I don't think this is the end of our story. I know it sounds childish, I know you're going to say that it's only because he was my first blablabla. No. I do acknowledge the fact that he's an @$$hole. But what's going to happen to us? Does he want to get back together with me? Is he trying to say he wants to forget about me and just move on or does he want to fix everything so we can get back together?

 

Any help would be appreciated. Thank you so much in advanced.

 

P.S. My ex respects my goals and dreams, and I respect his in return, which is why I let him break-up with me in the first place. Just thought you all ought to know.

 

P.S.S. I'm sorry if this is suuuper long, but I didn't want to leave out anything I've mentioned above because I think they're important "notes" to jot down.

[Mariposa10]

Oh my god... this is too long, there must be a way to summarize it in a paragraph.... I don't think you have to type every single detail... I will probably read it tonight.

[lylat333]

What a story. That was a whopper of a read but more details do provide more insight.

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this confusing time, it's hard at any age. I will give you my personal no-frills opinions.

 

It's very clear that he's not being fair to you, and this is something you should have no tolerance for now nor the rest of your life. A lot of people allow themselves to get sucked into these triangles and exhaust all of their emotions for someone who is only giving back half in return.

 

He has no desire or reason to commit to either of you as long as you give him your attention and desire him. Everything he has been telling you since this other girl came into the picture... that he cares about you, loves you, that he wouldn't leave you for someone else is essentially a load of BS. Sure, he cares about you... just enough to keep stringing you along that is.

 

Don't let this series of events shape your expectations for future relationships. My advice is to maintain enough dignity and self-respect to not get involved with someone who isn't willing to give you their undivided attention. No need to give him an ultimatum and say "her or me"... just excuse yourself from his life! I don't think he knows what he wants and that's no foundation for a healthy relationship.

 

Bottom line: you deserve to get back what you are willing to put into a relationship, and you are in control of what you allow yourself to be involved in. I don't want to go as far as to say you are unequivocally too young to be in a real relationship, but school is a great time in life to enjoy the friendship of all your peers and it is so (perhaps too) easy to get into a new relationship when you wish to be in one. The most prized and sought-after woman (or man) is the one who invests interest into education, work, and interesting hobbies and activities and not sub-par relationship avenues. You could use this as a very early learning opportunity.

Edited September 5, 2013 by lylat333

[Mariposa10]

You guys are too young, it seems like he wants to experience new things. If I were you, I would move on. Don't contact him. I would suggest a friendship, which seems to be what he wants, but you don't seem to be ready. So just focus on your things, meet new people have fun.

 

 

Good luck, and please don't over analyze every single detail.

[misspandorable]

Thank you guys so much for sharing with me your opinions.

 

Iylat333: Thank you so much for your words, they're a big help. To be frank, I wasn't sure what I wanted to hear, but this certainly lightened up my outlook on things. Thank you But what do I do if he keeps contacting me? Do I just ignore him?

 

Mariposa10: Thank you. I'm sorry if you thought this was too long, I just wasn't sure what to leave out. And yes, my best friend says I do tend to over think a lot, I think I need some time to just not think about things for a while. You're right - I'm not ready. But thank you for your help, I will try my best to move on.

[lylat333]

You're welcome, good to hear you sound positive.

 

You don't need to necessarily ignore him and I definitely don't recommend any game-playing or anything. Just don't treat him like someone who is more than a friend under these conditions.

 

If you can still interact with him some and still feel you are functioning perfectly fine, then that's OK. But I am one of the many people who can't continue to be friends with someone I had or have really strong feelings for.

 

There may be some raw emotions still between you two and I think that's what you could use time away from. Allow yourself some space to get back to living life without emotion and energy being diverted to this. It will give you a greater sense of clarity.

[Mariposa10]

Thank you guys so much for sharing with me your opinions.

 

Iylat333: Thank you so much for your words, they're a big help. To be frank, I wasn't sure what I wanted to hear, but this certainly lightened up my outlook on things. Thank you But what do I do if he keeps contacting me? Do I just ignore him?

 

Mariposa10: Thank you. I'm sorry if you thought this was too long, I just wasn't sure what to leave out. And yes, my best friend says I do tend to over think a lot, I think I need some time to just not think about things for a while. You're right - I'm not ready. But thank you for your help, I will try my best to move on.

 

I can tell how you over analyze everything, but just reading all the details you added, but it's ok. I understand. You're young, think about all the new things you'll get to experience, think about your bright future. There are many guys with whom you will have wonderful relationship(s) with. Learn as much as you can from this experience and enjoy the next one even more!

 

Good luck!!