thora-tiki Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Here are some tips from an e-book called: From the magic of making up, chapter 6: While you’re going to start with a phone call, it’s not just any old phone call. You need to choose how you’re going to approach your ex with thought. Here are some guidelines: - Try to pick a time to call your ex when you predict he or she will have a few moments to talk privately - Focus on fun – don’t bring up ugly memories from the past - Prepare to talk about something good in your relationship – a funny or sweet experience - Keep it pretty short - Ask your ex to meet you for a specific activity – lunch, coffee, etc. (make it a short occasion.) Lunch is way better than dinner. Your ex may fear that you want to have some long gruelling conversation or confrontation. You can put them at ease by implying that you will only have a half hour or so. - Dial down any desperate feelings While you’re talking to your ex, you need to make sure and keep things pretty light. Talk to him or her for a few minutes and as soon as you feel like you’ve got your old comfortable rapport going, break out your invitation. You don’t need to beat around the bush – just ask! Be specific about a date, time, and activity or location. You should try to call about a week before you actually want to see him or her. This will give you some time to do a little more prep work before the get together. Voicemail It’s possible that you’ll get all geared up to make the phone call, and your ex won’t pick up the line. In the days of caller ID, your ex will most likely know that you called. But you shouldn’t leave a message just yet. At this point you may be tempted to call your ex 500 times a day until you get him or her on the phone. This is a very bad idea. Instead call one time and then wait a few days to call again. This may seem incredibly difficult to do when you’re anxious – but your ex will get the message that you’re not desperate. The less desperate you appear to be, the more likely it will be for your ex to pick up the phone. Just seeing your number on the caller ID one time may pique his or her curiosity. Waiting a couple of days to call back will let that curiosity grow. You may even get a call from your ex in response to seeing that you’ve called. If this happens – even better! If you’ve called every couple of days for a week with no response, it’s time to give it a longer break. Keep doing what you’re doing – dating, taking care of you – then try again a few weeks later. Never call more than once a day. If several weeks go by and your ex isn’t responding, it’s time to just let it go. Don’t resort to any other type of communication. Don’t leave a comment on your ex’s my space, send a text message, or type an email. Just let it go. Dating Danger Don’t try to ask your ex to do anything that might be uncomfortable or intimidating. The following list of things is out of the question: - A wedding - A large family gathering - Long meal - Movie - Theatrical performance - Company party These are all events that are great when you’re dating someone seriously, but when you’re working on returning to your relationship you want to tread lightly. Stick to an activity where the two of you can talk, but where you won’t have to be locked in to a couple of hours together. Something short and simple is best. Doing lunch is a perfect idea. You may also suggest going out for coffee or a drink. Something that seems casual, gives you time to talk, and won’t last very long is what you’re shooting for. Getting a Yes You’re most likely to get a yes to your date if you’ve planned really carefully before you make the call. If you’ve chosen something really specific and non-threatening you’re chances of your ex accepting are much higher. Getting a No You may meet with a little apprehension. Like “Uhhh...I really don’t know?” If so... Just kind of chuckle and nonchalantly say “It’s only coffee”... or “only lunch” This most times will turn into “Okay.” It’s possible that in spite of your careful planning, your ex will not agree to go on a date with you. At this point you may be tempted to: - Beg and plead - Get angry - Accuse your ex of cheating on you - Rehash every argument you ever had - Generally fly off the handle The appropriate response is to gracefully bow out by accepting their no. You can just say, “Alright,” and wish your ex well and then end the conversation. This leaves the door open for future communication. One of two things will then happen. Later on you may receive a call from your ex. It may be that he or she really just needed a little more space before seeing you again. He or she may call you to ask you out – and if you’re still interested you can accept. Believe it or not, you may have already really moved on to a new relationship by the time you hear from your ex again. It’s possible that you’ll be the one who isn’t at all interested in a reconciliation. If you don’t receive a call from your ex, it’s really time to move on. Keep taking care of yourself and continue to date. Don’t keep calling your ex and begging them to see you. This will just make them even less likely to want to spend time with you. Nobody wants to be pressured by a needy person. It may be time to really accept that this relationship is over. But you will live – and you will love again. Preparing for the Date You may be rejoicing in the acceptance of your date! But don’t get too excited yet – you’ve still got work to do. There are a lot of things you need to do to prepare for this date. Relax When you start to get stressed, those feelings of neediness may return. Again, you want to keep yourself in “moving on” mode. This means that you have to turn off the part of your brain that is going to put a lot of pressure on you during the date. You must relax and try to focus only on enjoying yourself. If you try to make this date about hashing out your problems and forcing your relationship back together you’ll be making a big mistake. The more pressure you put on your ex at this date, the less likely you’ll be to have another chance. This must be a stress-free, no-pressure get together. During the Date When you’re actually on the date, it’s critical that you avoid some of the common pitfalls that may make your date miserable instead of bringing you closer together. Avoid Upset There may be several things you might consider doing once you finally have your ex in your presence. Most of these things should be avoided. Here is an example of some bad strategies that may run through your head: - Spending more than the allotted. hour or1 hour window of time with your ex - Trying to figure out what went wrong with your relationship while you’re talking to him or her - Focusing on how hurt and sad you are - Acting downtrodden and desperate - Trying to seduce your ex - Attempting to make them jealous All of these things will only make your problems worse. You must not give in to your desire to do any of these things. The more you try to force things or bring up bad feelings, the less likely you’ll be to have the reconciliation that you want. Keep Things Light While you’re with your ex, try to just relax and have a good time. You’re not going to spend much time together this first date – and you want to leave your ex wanting more. Try to choose an activity that’s something you both enjoy doing. Also try to avoid talking about your relationship very much. Just have fun talking and doing the things that helped you to fall in love in the first place. If you do talk about anything in your history, make sure it’s something that is a good memory – not a fight or anything having to do with the breakup. If an hour goes by and you wish you could spend more time together, forget about it. It may help to schedule something after the date so that you absolutely must leave before you have too much time together. You want to leave things so that you both want to spend more time together at another time. The Instant Reconnect Technique This is a psychological tactic that will trigger his/her subconscious into believing that you are back together again. While it is very simple to do, it is extremely powerful. While you are eating or drinking your coffee…slowly reach over to them and do the “imaginary food particle” wipe. Like they have something on their face. This works extremely well because ONLY people that are in some kind of “loving relationship” do that for each other. So you are signalling to their subconscious mind that you are still in a loving relationship. Does that make sense? You can also use if it seems more appropriate: The Tie Straightener The imaginary lint or hair on the shirt. Something in the hair Eyelash on the cheek The Instant Reconnect Technique has a secondary benefit. You can gauge how well your “get together” is going. If they jump out of their skin or pull away…then you know you still have some work to do. On the other hand, if they SMILE and/or thank you, that is of course – positive! Just one warning, don’t do this minutes after meeting them again. Wait until it seems natural. At the End of the Night The way your date ends is just as important as how it began. You must work hard to make sure that you leave your date with a good impression – and that you leave him or her wanting more. Ending the Date If you’re both having a great time, it’s time to end the date. This will make it more likely that your ex will want to see you again. However, you shouldn’t end the date by scheduling another. At the end of your time together you can comment on what a nice time you had, how nice it was to see your ex, but then you just have to say goodbye. Don’t arrange another date and time to see your ex. If Your Ex Asks You However, if your ex talks about wanting to see you again and asks you out for a date, it’s perfectly acceptable for you to say yes. You just don’t want to initiate anything. You need to make sure you exude confidence and appear to have really moved on. Tension Rising It’s possible that on this first date – even though you don’t bring up any relationship problems – your ex will start wanting to discuss the breakup. If this happens, just let your ex say whatever it is they need to say. Don’t get defensive or engage them in this conversation. Just accept what they have to say to you. If you try to change their mind or defend yourself, you’re likely to make the date a miserable experience. You don’t want to do that. Your best option is to simply say “I don’t want to talk about the past…it’s the past... let’s just have some fun.” And change the subject to something fun. This works. It works a majority of the time. If they continue to press you, they are really just looking for a validation of their feelings. And you can easily say… “I know you may have feelings that are unresolved. I know that. I am not saying we can never discuss them…I am just saying let’s just not do it today.” (you say this with a very compassionate and caring tone.) (Note: If you followed the previous instructions about limiting the time frame of your get together…these conversations generally do NOT come up.)»
Simon Phoenix Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Since you broke up with him, it's up to you to make the moves and be the aggressor. I don't care if you are worried about how you look -- you caused this situation by breaking up with him hastily and without merit. You are going to have to put on your big girl panties and step up. As for the sex, if you don't want it, don't give it. If he keeps pushing for it or he withdraws after you reject the sex, then you know what his motives are. But besides that, the onus is on you to make this happen if you want it. When you broke up with him without cause, that shifted all of this to you. 2
Author Dreamer100 Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 Okay, that makes things clearer.
robaday Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 ps regarding the sex......he might interpret no sex as you putting him in the friendszone....a zone no guy wants to be in, so to be honest id be pretty straight in your intentions cause i know if an ex gf broke up with me, then invited me for an awesome date and then insisted there is no way in hell we are having sex.......id be pretty pissed
Author Dreamer100 Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 Thing is, I honeslty feel like the dumped one! He's been very reluctant to come back with me but will not say no. He has said that he still loves me and WANTS to be with me but is struggling to trust me. This was before no contact. I really want to know his intentions but at the same time, don't want to dive in and ask him incase he blocks me out again. He said the only way he copes with hurt is to completely shut down. You'd think after a month nc, he'd have made his mind up. Surely to god that man that loved, respected and cherished me 3 months ago doesn't want JUST sex now? It doesn't make sense
unexpectedlyhere Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 With my first ex, the breakup was mutual and we stayed friends, but I got over him sooner. He came to see me a few months after we broke up during a layover and he wanted to sleep together, saying it was "just sex". I said no even though I really wanted him, because he wasn't over me. It was the right thing to do. He's over me now and needless to say we never had sex again, and were both happier with someone else. It's possible he doesn't want "just sex", but having it with him is not the way to go for more either. Try to wait it out and give him time. It's a confusing period for both. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Thing is, I honeslty feel like the dumped one! He's been very reluctant to come back with me but will not say no. He has said that he still loves me and WANTS to be with me but is struggling to trust me. This was before no contact. I really want to know his intentions but at the same time, don't want to dive in and ask him incase he blocks me out again. He said the only way he copes with hurt is to completely shut down. You'd think after a month nc, he'd have made his mind up. Surely to god that man that loved, respected and cherished me 3 months ago doesn't want JUST sex now? It doesn't make sense I mean, you caused this. You can't be a wuss. 1
Author Dreamer100 Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 (edited) That's what he used to say to me before no contact, when I tried to get an answer from him ' You caused all this!!' Can I add also, he said something I really didn't like yesterday. I said I didn't want to have sex considering the way things are between us. He said it would feel right but he doesn't know whether it would complicate things or not. I asked him what did he mean. He replied saying he wasn't sure what he meant, he said he couldn't put it into words. That's the main thing that's leaving me feeling **** about this. Is he worried that Ill develop stronger feeling and he only wants sex? Or is he worried that he'll develop stronger feelings? Feels like the former but the conversation we had two days previous doesnt reflect that he wants ' just sex'. Edited September 6, 2013 by Dreamer100
Simon Phoenix Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 That's what he used to say to me before no contact, when I tried to get an answer from him ' You caused all this!!' Can I add also, he said something I really didn't like yesterday. I said I didn't want to have sex considering the way things are between us. He said it would feel right but he doesn't know whether it would complicate things or not. I asked him what did he mean. He replied saying he wasn't sure what he meant, he said he couldn't put it into words. That's the main thing that's leaving me feeling **** about this. Is he worried that Ill develop stronger feeling and he only wants sex? Or is he worried that he'll develop stronger feelings? Feels like the former but the conversation we had two days previous doesnt reflect that he wants ' just sex'. Look, it's one of those thing you have to figure out on your own. Since you screwed everything up originally, you have to be the one to give. That doesn't mean necessarily have sex with him, but if I were him I'd be skeptical as hell of you. I wouldn't trust you for a second. 2
thora-tiki Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 @ Dreamer100 You feeling like the dumpee, him yelling you caused all this! Screams NONE of you are ready to reconnect at the moment. Not enough time has passed since the break up, 3 months is not enough time for you guys. All these emotions you have now, the hurt, confusion, asking yourself: «Surely to god that man that loved, respected and cherished me 3 months ago doesn't want JUST sex now?» These are the negative feelings you will work out during no contact and your personal evolution. Also: He will take longer time to evolve past the old failed relationship, it's the name of the game. We evolve faster then they do. Stubborn people always have to be right. People who are never wrong, never learn, and they never change, and they are never happy. But, they are always right - at least in their own mind. When I say, evolve past the old failed relationship, I mean: Evolution/Evolving means that you have moved past your old failed relationship to the point where you are not dependent on him/her any more. It doesn't mean you can't love him/her - but it does mean that you realise you could live your life without him/her. The only thing you're going to lose is your connection to the old way you two were together - just before, and after the break up. You must let the old relationship go (evolve), and prepare for a new chance with him/her, or a new love, in a new relationship. I have 7 different break up buddies, all the break ups were messy, for two of them, this was the second break up, for one it was the forth break up, always the ex that broke up. Out of those 7 break up buddies, 3 of them have reconnected with the ex, and they have used this how to reconnect with the ex. All the exes within minutes of the short get together (almost immediately after sitting down at the coffee shop) started to apologise and beg for forgiveness. One ex broke down, apologising, when my break up buddy told him, «Right, I had a lovely time, but I have to go», after 40 minutes. All my break up buddies stayed calm, when the ex broke down, and said something in the lines of what is suggested (from the magic of making up), and ended it with: It's the past, let's talk about something fun. I know this works, but it only worked because my break up buddies were ready. My break up buddies are no contact warriors and reconnect badas*es! From the magic of making up: «Advice to women: You do NOT want to sleep with your ex until you have a re-commitment from him. I am not saying to “pressure” him for a reconciliation or commitment. In fact, you want it to be his “idea”. At the same time, you do NOT go back to bed with him until you are back together. Look, men value what they have to work for and what is rare. And men WANT what is rare. THAT is why they commit. They commit to a woman that they feel is valuable, special and RARE. There are also numerous other psychological advantages you will have by choosing NOT to sleep with him. Including: 1. Adding to the mystery. 2. Occupying more of his “mind space” 3. Keeping his desire for you piqued. 4. Much faster reconciliation. 5. Increased respect for you. 6. Much more… Now, inevitably, when things are going well and you are refusing to sleep with him he will want to know why? I recommend that instead of telling him you are “holding out for a commitment” Which sounds manipulative, simply tell him that “You are done with casual sex.” See? True. Not manipulative. And it makes your decision not about him, but your values. PLUS…it leaves it open for him to say…”This is NOT casual sex.” To which…you respond… “Oh????????????” (and then turn on your “lie detector”).»
Author Dreamer100 Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 Thora-tiki. Sorry I meant him yelling that 'I caused all this', happened before no contact do that was 4 weeks ago. There have been no fallouts or anything since re establishing contact. We've been getting on really well. It's just the sex thing I don't like. I define tally do not intend on sleeping with him, I know what that does.
thora-tiki Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 I still suggest you follow the advice, not sleeping with him until you get a commitment from him. Men marry/commit to virtue, not vagina. Men don't feel good about themselves when they get you/us too easy - they beg for sex they know they're not suppose to get. Do not become his prostitute. This is a war of wills, ours against theirs. Theirs - ex wants to just meet up/kiss/have sex and then he'll tell you he is still confused. We want this sh*t to end once and for all so that we can back together again. Who do you want to win this war? Your horny ex or you with a greater goal in mind?
Author Dreamer100 Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 Of course, I get that. I'm definitely not going to sleep with him and he knows that. I just see glimmers of hope in the situation and trying to figure out how to manoeuvre my way round so as to not get another block out. I'm greatfull of all advice so far, much appreciated.
thora-tiki Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 You wrote: However, after two day I texted him again being casual and he started saying how he couldn't stop thinking of me and was having dirty dreams. He suggested we meet up as he's been dying to have sex with me for a long time. and: Sorry I meant him yelling that 'I caused all this', happened before no contact do that was 4 weeks ago. There have been no fallouts or anything since re establishing contact. We've been getting on really well. It's just the sex thing I don't like. This is the confusing part: - So have you guys met yet? Do you want to, or do you just want a text-pal? - How long have you been in contact/texting? To me it looks like just days, that you have been in «contact» and even if there have been no fallouts or anything, that is because he is too busy thinking about having sex with you. - Have you asked him for a short get together? If not, stop texting him. TODAY! Why give him info about you through text, save the mystery for when you meet for the short get together. If you spill the beans/tell him all you've been up to since the break up, why does he need to meet with you - he knows you are still pining for him, so no rush - he has the control and can take his time. Leaving you waiting for him. Fu*k that! About ex seeking sympathy from you, telling you about his stomach pains: Maybe your ex sensed a change in you, maybe in the way you texted?, so he is curious, but don't give in. He just wants pity from you at this moment. Listen to me, you can not reconnect over texts or the telephone with the ex, this has to be done face-to-face, and not on the first meeting, not even the 8th meeting. You also say you want to start over with him. In order to do that, starting over, you must let go of the past failed relationship. You are not here/doing no contact to forget your ex, just the old failed relationship you had with him. You must have patience, and wait enough time for the old failed relationship to die. Otherwise you will only pick up right where you left off before the break up, and find yourself broken up again. To me it seems like you contacted him too early, maybe you are ready, but he is not. If you love heartbreak/ache, then breaking no contact too early, i.e. before you are ready or he is ready, is the way to go. Hah! From the magic of making up «The First Contact Okay. You feel like you’re ready. So now it’s time to make a plan to get this person back into your life – and hopefully back into your arms. You’ll need to start with a simple phone call. But the object of the call is really to get this person back into your physical presence only. A short and fun “get together” NOT a date or “I want to talk to you”. Your real objective is just to be seen by him/her, have some fun and to try and ignite a little spark again. If you have done the work on yourself we have discussed, when you meet a “pattern break” usually occurs. You can usually tell because they will act very friendly and different than they had in the past. You seem “new”, exciting, attractive and most importantly they don’t automatically associate the “bad feelings” to your appearance. (Then use the How to call etc, see other post on your thread.) Talking About Being Together If you’ve been dating again for a few months, you may feel like it’s time to actually talk about whether or not you’re going to get back together. Even if you’re behaving like you’re back together, you still need to have an official conversation about it. Just like you’ve been working to keep things light, you need to continue that pattern when you’re getting ready to ask your ex about a more permanent reconciliation. It’s also a good idea to continue letting your ex take the lead. You can ask questions and test the waters. For example, you can say, “Didn’t we make a great couple?” This kind of question allows you to see how your ex is really feeling about the time you’ve been spending together. Is it just casual or was your ex thinking that this was going down the road of reconciliation? Once you’ve asked the question, leave it hanging out there until your ex answers it. Sure, there may be some uncomfortable silence, but you can deal with that – you’ve been handling that well for months now. Let your ex do the talking. He or she will either agree that yes you did make a good couple. You may also get the answer that you’re ex isn’t interested. If you get a positive response, then ask your ex if he or she wants to get back together. Again, patiently await the response. Reunited and It Feels So Good If you got the positive response you’ve been waiting for all this time – congratulations! It was well worth the months of effort that you put into planning and preparing. You’re now on the road to a true partnership. But your journey isn’t over yet! In fact, there’s still plenty of work to be done. The reasons for your original breakup can still rear their ugly heads. So take a little time to enjoy the fact that you’re back together. But after you’ve had a breath, it’s time to work on how you’re going to keep your love alive. Movin’ On After all your months of courting and working on yourself, you may still get the answer you’ve dreaded – you’re not getting back together. If your ex flat out tells you that he or she has had fun, but isn’t interested in getting together for a committed relationship it’s time to cut your losses. You could spend your entire life going through cycles of trying to get back together. But the truth is that relationships shouldn’t be this hard to keep together. Sure they all require work, but when you get rejected over and over again it’s time to scrape together your self-respect and move on.» Sex and the city: Samantha Jones: Sex with an ex can be depressing. If it's good you can't get it anymore. If it's bad you just had sex with an ex.
Author Dreamer100 Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 There's alot of ins and outs to this story as you've probably gathered. On Tuesday, I contacted him after 4 weeks of silence (initiated by him). He replied immediately and he seemed to bring up the relationship and how he was doing everything in his power to keep his mind busy and bury his head in the sand. He also said that his way of coping with stress and hurt is to completely shut off (which he did). I know he is dealing with another big issue in his life at the moment, in fact, possibly a couple. i dont want to mention them on here as im paranoid it could give the game away, although im sure hes probably not on here. He mentioned how he was working near to were I live and how hard it was driving down my way and that alot of things reminded him of me. I've been the same really, certain places remind me strongly of him. He said also how he can't get his head around what happened. In reply, I said how it fell apart so quickly and how I thought that would never happen to us. He said that is why it's been so hard to deal with. Because he couldn't believe what we had was in tatters when neither of us expected it. He didn't mention anything about sex. It was yesterday when I initiated contact AGAIN that he mentioned he had a dirty dream about me as Id asked him how he had slept (he mentioned he wasn't sleeping very well these days). That's when he started talking about sex. *********** We were in contact for a month after the split- my attempts at getting answers from him, then, my further attempts at getting him back. He said he wanted time to think and space so I agreed to give him that. Then he texted me the next day, saying he just wanted to say Hi. He then continued to text me for the next few days. He phoned me at the weekend, sounding very upset and asking me was I seeing somebody else, just because I was going out. I saw him a week later but we fell out (due to me going on about what i thought hd had done) and he walked out. Then I tried to get him to come back and that was a hard thing to do. It was then that he didn't reply to my text. That's when 4 weeks of silence commenced. I know that he loves me and wants to be with me but I think trust is the issue, I ****ed up. I did apologise more than once though. I do want to fix this situation. I also realise that our old relationship is dead. I really feel that. I do love him though and after much though, still want him back in my life, a new start to the relationship. I'm sorry that this is a bit back to front but I hope you get the gist.
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 There's alot of ins and outs to this story as you've probably gathered. On Tuesday, I contacted him after 4 weeks of silence (initiated by him). He replied immediately and he seemed to bring up the relationship and how he was doing everything in his power to keep his mind busy and bury his head in the sand. He also said that his way of coping with stress and hurt is to completely shut off (which he did). I know he is dealing with another big issue in his life at the moment, in fact, possibly a couple. i dont want to mention them on here as im paranoid it could give the game away, although im sure hes probably not on here. He mentioned how he was working near to were I live and how hard it was driving down my way and that alot of things reminded him of me. I've been the same really, certain places remind me strongly of him. He said also how he can't get his head around what happened. In reply, I said how it fell apart so quickly and how I thought that would never happen to us. He said that is why it's been so hard to deal with. Because he couldn't believe what we had was in tatters when neither of us expected it. He didn't mention anything about sex. It was yesterday when I initiated contact AGAIN that he mentioned he had a dirty dream about me as Id asked him how he had slept (he mentioned he wasn't sleeping very well these days). That's when he started talking about sex. *********** We were in contact for a month after the split- my attempts at getting answers from him, then, my further attempts at getting him back. He said he wanted time to think and space so I agreed to give him that. Then he texted me the next day, saying he just wanted to say Hi. He then continued to text me for the next few days. He phoned me at the weekend, sounding very upset and asking me was I seeing somebody else, just because I was going out. I saw him a week later but we fell out (due to me going on about what i thought hd had done) and he walked out. Then I tried to get him to come back and that was a hard thing to do. It was then that he didn't reply to my text. That's when 4 weeks of silence commenced. I know that he loves me and wants to be with me but I think trust is the issue, I ****ed up. I did apologise more than once though. I do want to fix this situation. I also realise that our old relationship is dead. I really feel that. I do love him though and after much though, still want him back in my life, a new start to the relationship. I'm sorry that this is a bit back to front but I hope you get the gist. This story isnt as diluted as you might think it is. This isnt some interwoven story that has lots of twist and turns. Here is the jist: You broke up with him, you realized you made a mistake, he isnt sure about things now (which I wouldnt be either). Tell him exactly how you feel about it. Every last word.....if he doesnt respond, then let him go. Thats it. Thats all. End of story. This evolving, playing games wait till he answers sex in the city whatever is dumb. Tell him how you feel because you dumped him. He doesnt respond: Move on. I just settled that. 1
thora-tiki Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Ok. He hasn't changed during the time you two were in no contact. He's remaining in the old pattern, not willing to try and/or trust you. He brings up the past because he is not ready. Listen to me, he is not ready! Not ready to listen to you, if you do as ConfusedHumanBeing suggests: «Tell him exactly how you feel about it. Every last word.» Or reconnect. Do not fall into the trap of using no contact as a recipe: 1. Wait 30 days 2. Then contact. It usually takes way more time than just 30 days. Why do people think if they let go of their ex for 6 months or more, they will never get them back, but in the next breath say that their ex loved them as much as they loved their ex? If their ex loved them as much as they believed, then what's the worry, they will want you back again. Using no contact to get your life back will not drive your ex away. No contact teaches patience, and patience builds character. Forgive your ex for whatever he has done to you or you did to him. Take your pain out somewhere and dig it a grave. Literally bury it. Then focus on you. If you feel that your ex is not responding (in the right way) it is probably because you, and your ex are not ready to reconnect, but you will force things anyways. And then you will wonder why it doesn't feel right. Everyone will agree love is nothing without trust and respect, right? You can not build a real relationship without mutual trust and respect for each other. Yes, he has still feelings for you, but he hasn't let go of the old failed relationship. He still doesn't trust you. This concept isn't hard for him - to forgive - he is just trying to impose 'his will' upon you. This idiot ex doesn't realise he has a perfect opportunity to show that he trusts and respects you and has a second chance - all he cares about is how he feels - out of control. Again, not ready. You do not want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust and respect you? If he can't get over the past, the, he will bring it up again and again to fight, if he's with you. 1
Author Dreamer100 Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 Okay. So do I just do the no contact thing again?
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Okay. So do I just do the no contact thing again? Yup.....thats it.
unexpectedlyhere Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 I really liked your last post, thora-tiki, found it inspirational. I need to find a way to dig a grave for my pain. If you have time to read through my thread I would appreciate your thoughts Dreamer: give him space. Say that you're going no contact for both of your sakes, and then stick to it.
thora-tiki Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 I agree with ConfusedHumanBeing and unexpectedlyhere Start no contact again. This time do it for longer than 30 days. I believe that when you are ready you'll know it. And then you decide what to do. The question is - will you want him back by then? When we are in love we tend to overlook all our exes bad points but after no contact you are acutely aware and may choose to not settle anymore. Either way I see it as a means to an end. One way or another you will get what you need. If he text you or contacts you during no contact: Ignore all text, ranting, and bull**** - you just keep on evolving. Don't break no contact. You probably know this, but I'll say it again: Focus on you. - Renew a hobby - Use this time to put in a few extra hours at work/school - Write a pro and cons list (of your ex, your relationship, maybe this will uncover if trying again really is a good idea. Maybe you'll uncover deal breakers?) - Start working out - Start eating healthy, if you already eat healthy try new fruits/foods. - Drink enough water. - Start taking some Omega 3, it's cheap and it's a great mood stabilisers. So are nuts. - Start journaling down good days, bad days, fears, hurt, anger etc. This way you give yourself permission to let them go. - Update your wardrobe - Try out new hairstyles - Support other forum members - Go out with friends - Dating, going out, and having fun, is the quickest way to evolve past a break up and get your life back, positive energy attracts more positive energy. If you the two of you back together really is a positive thing - it will happen. That I am 100% sure of.
Author Dreamer100 Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 Thora-tika, we chatted last night. I texted me last. I want to do no contact, should I tell him this or just go no contact. And what if he contacts me?
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Thora-tika, we chatted last night. I texted me last. I want to do no contact, should I tell him this or just go no contact. And what if he contacts me? You are making this way too hard. NC is simple: DONT talk to him. Thats it. Dont tell him "Hey, I'm not going to talk to you"....just DONT talk to him. Dont answer text, dont answer phone calls, dont check social media sites.
Recommended Posts