Dreamer100 Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I recently contacted my ex (whom I dumped over a misunderstanding) after a month of no contact and got a nice, emotional response. However, after two day I texted him again being casual and he started saying how he couldn't stop thinking of me and was having dirty dreams. He suggested we meet up as he's been dying to have sex with me for a long time. I said no, as I didn't want to fall into that trap. I want our relationship back, not no strings. Is he at it just to have sex? He was never this sort of guy so I don't get it. Plus, 2 days ago, he was talking a bit about how it was killing him driving near my house and how everything was reminding me of him. He was hinting about the split whereas before nc, he was burying his head in the sand. He said too that that's what he does when so thing hurts him alot, he shuts down. I'm disappointed and don't know what to do
saltyfishhead666 Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I recently contacted my ex (whom I dumped over a misunderstanding) after a month of no contact and got a nice, emotional response. However, after two day I texted him again being casual and he started saying how he couldn't stop thinking of me and was having dirty dreams. He suggested we meet up as he's been dying to have sex with me for a long time. I said no, as I didn't want to fall into that trap. I want our relationship back, not no strings. Is he at it just to have sex? He was never this sort of guy so I don't get it. Plus, 2 days ago, he was talking a bit about how it was killing him driving near my house and how everything was reminding me of him. He was hinting about the split whereas before nc, he was burying his head in the sand. He said too that that's what he does when so thing hurts him alot, he shuts down. I'm disappointed and don't know what to do He was never that sort of guy when he was with you. He's now single and a totally different person. We told you, you didn't listen. You aren't getting your relationship back. Have sex with him if you want too, but it won't help you emotionally. I'm sorry honey 2
Author Dreamer100 Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 I'm not posting this to ask whether I should have sex with him. I think it's clear in my post that that is something which I am not going to do.
saltyfishhead666 Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I'm not posting this to ask whether I should have sex with him. I think it's clear in my post that that is something which I am not going to do. Indeed it is quite clear, however you can never be too sure what people are or aren't going to do when their heartbroken. 1
JDPT Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I commend you on your decision and holding yourself at high regards. It's evident what his intentions unfortunately are not in sync with yours. I think you have a fundamental understanding as to what it is you need to do to propel yourself forward and start healing. Implement NC immediately and commit to it for your sake. People can change in a matter of seconds, expect the unexpected. Focus on yourself and your recovery journey. 1
Chi townD Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I recently contacted my ex (whom I dumped over a misunderstanding) after a month of no contact and got a nice, emotional response. However, after two day I texted him again being casual and he started saying how he couldn't stop thinking of me and was having dirty dreams. He suggested we meet up as he's been dying to have sex with me for a long time. I said no, as I didn't want to fall into that trap. I want our relationship back, not no strings. Is he at it just to have sex? He was never this sort of guy so I don't get it. Plus, 2 days ago, he was talking a bit about how it was killing him driving near my house and how everything was reminding me of him. He was hinting about the split whereas before nc, he was burying his head in the sand. He said too that that's what he does when so thing hurts him alot, he shuts down. I'm disappointed and don't know what to do Actually, this isn't weird at all. Actually, this is quite normal. Look, he isn't a bad guy or (outright) trying to be a pervert. Just listen. You dumped him, but recently you two have been having a normal and nice interaction from what you've written. He's having a weird form of something called hysterical bonding. You two have been getting along and it kicked off a subconscious, animalistic and primal need to "reclaim" what he believes is his. This is mostly subconscious, so he probably doesn't fully realize why he's doing what he's doing. All he knows is that he has a need. So, he's having very strong urges to be with you. He's even dreaming about it. So, he can't help it. Sounds weird, I know. But, you even stated that he isn't like this. But, he's got the urge to hysterically bond with you. So, that's my theory, but give that you stated that he isn't like this, I think the theory is sound. 1
Author Dreamer100 Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 Okay. But I have initiated contact with him again today- he never texted me the next morning just a goodnight saying he wasn't sleeping because of the situation and a kiss. Our last communication was three hours ago and he said he felt ill and was going for a lie down. I can't help feeling like he's trying to escape. Although I know from being with him before, he would get crippling stomach pains and would often go for a lie down. I also want to add that me texting me first twice in a row was not out of desperation. I'm worried about my perspective. I didn't it because I felt as the dumper, it was my duty and I should be 'trying' with him. However, I worry that he realises I feel strongly about him and he THINKS I am being clingy and desperate by not allowing him to do it. I'm unsure of which perspective to take. Even though I dumped him, I feel like the dumpee
darkmoon Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 if you must connect with him, sex can really start off emotions, hormones, that put men in a woman's system, leave the sex unless you know he can build a relationship, I would not get carried away quickly
pteromom Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 He suggested we meet up as he's been dying to have sex with me for a long time. I said no, as I didn't want to fall into that trap. I want our relationship back, not no strings. Is he at it just to have sex? Ask him what his intentions are. That's really the only way you will know. I don't know your backstory, but if you dumped him, you must have had a good reason. Is that reason now resolved? If not, why would you go back anyway?
Author Dreamer100 Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 Pteromom, I dumped him hastily because I thought he had cheated. I dealt with it badly but I apologised alot for what I did. I won't be having sex with him, that's for sure. That was never going to happen. It's so **** this whole thing. How it became this, I don't know.
Simon Phoenix Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 You did dump him, so maybe he wants to have sex with you to turn the tables and isn't really interested in having a relationship with you.
Chi townD Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Okay, so now you've got me confused because you are all over the place. What exactly do you want? Do you want to be with him or not? You might be reading into too many things. He wrote you that he was feeling ill and had to lay down. Yet, you even stated that he would get bad stomach cramps that DID require him to do this. You're reading into it as he's blowing you off? Maybe it is what it is and that he actually had to go lay down given his history that you're fully aware of. I'm starting to think that you want him back, but are afraid of getting hurt. Well, maybe he's feeling the same way! You dumped him after all! So, my question to you is what exactly do you want to see happen? Because the advice to give are on two separate ends of the spectrum here.
Author Dreamer100 Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 I want our relationship back. I want him to want that. I am scared of getting hurt and used. You read it all the time and I'm not an idiot who he can take the piss out of. He never used to so why now. I made a mistake like all humans do but I made up for it many times in apologies. He was a good person and I don't think he would just punish me like this. I feel he hasn't initiated contact enough but then, perhaps he's leaving that to me as I dumped him and he wants me to chase him a little. On the other hand, perhaps he's seeing that I'm emotionally with him and trying to use that to get sex. May I add that when I first contacted him (2 days ago), he replied swiftly and claiming he was close to texting me the previous night but didnt have the guts. He also initiated talking about the relationship and his miss for me. He says ' he can't get his head round it'. I'm so confused. I'm horrified that I'm here with him.
Chi townD Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I feel he hasn't initiated contact enough but then, perhaps he's leaving that to me as I dumped him and he wants me to chase him a little. YES!!! If you read other threads on this website, that what we preach with No Contact (NC) that if you don't get a phonecall or text from our Ex's that states "I'm sorry. I made a mistake. And I'll do anything to fix this" then the rest is just bullsh*t. You want it, then go and get it! Call him up and make a plan to take him out on a date. Just ONE DATE. Make a plan, dinner and a movie, horseback riding, cooking class...whatever. But, you treat HIM! He shouldn't pay for a damn thing. While on the date. NO RELATIONSHIP TALK!!! If he wants to talk about it, answer his questions shortly but gently remind him that you just want to enjoy the evening out with him. That you can have a relationship talk at a later date. Make the experience fun and enjoyable. SOMETHING THAT HE WOULDN'T MIND DOING AGAIN!!! And as far as sex goes. Girl, please!!!! Point me out a woman that wasn't in charge of sex in the relationship! He may try (he's a guy afterall) but tell him that you aren't ready for that yet. That a lot of things have happened and you two need to work through them first. But, promise him that you'll get there. If he truly is a man and wants to be with you, he'll respect your boundaries and your wishes. (but, don't get mad if a dude tries every once in a while!). SO, the whole point of taking him out on a date is to reconnect and enjoy an evening out. Nothing more than that. Then, we'll go from there.
Chi townD Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Oh, I forgot, if you feel like he's punishing you. Well, you hurt him. You thought he was cheating on you and you dumped him without knowing all of the facts. That you didn't trust him. Turns out that he didn't cheat and you made a mistake. Even now you're writing like you still can't trust him. Well, he may still feel the same way about you. So, try the ONE DATE thing and see if you can meet on even ground.
Author Dreamer100 Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 Okay. Can I add something? Before no contact was initiated, I told him how I felt. There was tooing and froing for about a month. He knows exactly how I feel about him. I doubt he'd go out, he works a hell of a lot. Ill try out what your saying but I am scared that ill lose my dignity. I havn't begged or pleaded or anything and many going to so I don't want to ruin anything by keeping on his back with text messages...
robaday Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 So you thought he cheated? did he? So you dont trust him but you want him back.......see this doesnt look good because you broke up with him and he will need reassurance too - whereas from the looks of it its you who needs the reassurance My ex broke up with me because she thought id lied. i hadnt. then she came back to me and continued to accuse me of cheating over and over again.......truth was i wasnt cheating, i was just petrified of getting hurt again so was cautious and had no energy or strength to reassure her as my own heart was in tatters!!! then she broke up with me again!!! No trust no point it ends in a really nasty cycle which im still recovering from 1
Chi townD Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Okay. Can I add something? Before no contact was initiated, I told him how I felt. There was tooing and froing for about a month. He knows exactly how I feel about him. I doubt he'd go out, he works a hell of a lot. Ill try out what your saying but I am scared that ill lose my dignity. I havn't begged or pleaded or anything and many going to so I don't want to ruin anything by keeping on his back with text messages... How? All you're offering is an enjoyable night out. Nothing more than that. He can take it or leave it. LOL! Welcome to what guys have to go through asking a girl out! Nerve racking isn't it?
Author Dreamer100 Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 Robaday. Well hearing your pain at least helps me to understand why he's not just snapping back into it. He did have trust issues with other gf's. I did trust him but those pictures were suspicious to me and I dealt with it wrongly. I'm not hugely experienced in relationships, I'm 22. Would he really pull away this much because he feels cautious? I'm interested to hear.
robaday Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Yeah damn right hed pull away!!! its a major ego blow when a guy gets broken up with even by someone hes not into! He could be embarrassed, he could be hurting, he could be playing games.......if its soon after your breakup neither of you are thinking clearly and probably shouldnt be communicating until things die down a bit any experienced person knows that when these things happen, the things you say immediately after a breakup will do damage long term and the best thing is to spend some time apart and collect your thoughts first to work out if you want to get back together, alternatively to move on fully....... 1
Author Dreamer100 Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 Chi town, yeah I know. I'm worried ill look like a pathetic dickhead. He may lose all respect for me if I text me him again. Should I leave a few days?
crederer Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 If you go out on the date I wouldn't suggest implying that there will be sex if you're not intending on it. It will likely not end up well if your signals are crossed. Be upfront with him that you're not there for sex. His reaction to that will say it all. 1
Author Dreamer100 Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 Robaday. I said some **** things to him and that did bother him alot. Yeah I suspected his ego would be majorly bruised. He used to be so proud that he was going out with me We've just come out of a month of no contact so everything seems calm. He just hasn't stated his feeling about us as yet. He said he still ' hasn't got his head around it'. But he's happy to ask for sex and tell me how much he misses me and how quickly things went wrong and how it's horrible.
Chi townD Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Chi town, yeah I know. I'm worried ill look like a pathetic dickhead. He may lose all respect for me if I text me him again. Should I leave a few days? Sure! Sounds like a plan, But now YOU have to come up with a plan. As in what to do on the date. What does he like, what would be enjoyable. Something to entice him out. Then, ask him. "Hey, I think I might have scored some tickets for Blue Man Group (or football...soccer or whatever you guys call it) on Saturday. Do you want to go?" Now, there's a chance he may say no. Don't take it personally. But, at least you tried. If he says no. Then say, " Oh okay, I'll get my friend to go with me. Some other time then." and that's that.
Recommended Posts