I dont understand men?

[Bite]

The man ive been with for 6 years i had recently broke up with i have one child with him and about to have another. He was very mentally abusive when i wouldnt give him sex atleast 2 times a week, even that was pushing it. He would call me stupid, retarded, bitch, and so on until sex time then he would thank me and become lovey with me. It wasnt always like this because i used to put out alot more and never got to see this side until the past few years.

 

When i broke it off with my ex and fell for another guy who was very sweet but said he only wanted sex and friendship. We talked alot and he opened up alot to me more then pretty much anyone else in his life. But he told me he could not love, we had several months off of and on tryng he said he would start to love me but i would freak out on him and he would start back at square one. He said i loved to fast for him. I would get upset because to me it hurt that he would tell everyone we where just friends and send mix signals like kissing me(not make out just a quick kiss he asked me for) in public once even though he would say he didnt want people to know.

 

Through the time i was with him i was still living with my ex because neither of us can afford to live without the other. My ex was trying to be sexually active, bought condoms. Once when the new guy came over he saw the condoms and assumed i had done stuff with my ex but didnt ask until later through messaging, he said he didnt want to upset me. I told him i had not been sleeping with my ex only him. Im a one man sort of woman. still at this point its friends no relationship. At one point finally gave up because he kept telling me we would never be anything more then friends and i shouldnt look to him for love.

 

I gave up on everything and just went back to my ex who through the whole thing was trying to get me back and seemed like he was changing. I told him that if we where to try again that i would decide when i could give sex, had to be mutual and not to bring up the other guy. It lasted for a little bit.

 

Lately ive been in alot of pain due to pregnancy, i told him in advance id give him sex one day we both had off but ended up hurting bad and couldnt. ever since he's gone back to being moody. He changed how he worded calling me dumb so that it seems less offensive "U have a silly logic, and also don't understand how ppl think and work. But lets just put that on the back shelf"

In reference to me saying that he should not want sex and think of me being in pain. In the doctors appointment he asked the doctor if i could still have sex. Im 8m 2w.

 

When i told the other guy i was back with my ex he said he wished i was with anyone but my ex because my ex is garbage then said he knows he himself isnt great but he didnt care if i ended up with him. He said i was a great person and deserved better and thats part of why he couldnt be with me himself.

 

Every since being back with my ex its got worse and worse, snide remarks about the other guy, slight threats supposively joking saying if i ever left him again he would kill me, the hot and cold play for sex(apologizes for being moody then asks for sex again).

 

On the pro side my ex is a wonderful father, he helps out alot with the house now since i cant barely move due to pregnancy, he is kind hearted to people around him and wants to spend time with me.

 

Im lost really cant leave him even if i wanted to again because i cant support myself and have no family. I dont want to try the love thing again because it not only hurt me but my child too, she now tells me she hates the other guy and i need to not be mean to her daddy and marry her daddy. I figure i just need to suck it up put out when he wants and keep going on. But i feel this whole in my heart from the other guy like if i helped him be able to trust in love again maybe it will work but i feel stupid for thinking back. im just lost....help

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

A couple of questions:

 

1. How old are you? Early 20's, etc, etc.

 

2. Are you aware of and using government programs which can assist you in independent living?

 

 

FWIW, abusers often have a 'nice' side to them. I'll clue you in on men like this. The vitriol and violence they spew 'cleanses' them so they can sincerely share those 'nice' moments. Over time, the rage builds, then is released, then they're 'nice' again. It's a cycle of disordered psychology, often tracing back to childhood.

 

My advice would be to get help, whether that be from law enforcement, social services, clergy, good samaritans or whatever, but get help and get independent. Then focus on your children, yourself and building a life for your family.

 

I ran into similar situations as an independent single male for many years and, particularly in my 20's, found single mothers in your circumstances to have been 'broken' psychologically by the abuse they had suffered and, while I felt positive about assisting them in their lives, they were so deep into the cycle that any 'rescue' attempts failed miserably. Over time, such interactions took an unhealthy toll on my psyche so I discontinued.

 

Good luck and best wishes for a healthy pregnancy and birth.

[Bite]

About mid 20's, Ive tried calling for housing assistance before but they said they only help the elderly cause we are a small town. Im very withdrawn in life and dont talk to people, dont call people so i have trouble telling people my story in real life cause it seems more like a sob story that i did to myself. I dont know how to open up to people for help. The guy i was with and one very emotionally unstable girl at work are the only people i talked to about it in real life. She's offered to let me stay with her but i worry about my kids because she screams alot and is very negative at times. The guy i was with offered to move in with me in the beginning but i told him i didnt want to be a burden to him or seek favors, that he should get to know me and want to live with me. When i asked later on in the year he said that i was right that we should know each other for another year or so before moving in together.

 

Im afraid to bring in random roomates, my parents used to have random people around and my sister and myself got the bad end of the stick as a result. I dont want my children to get hurt.