Is this him being immature/irresponsible? Is it normal? Am I overreacting??

[confused8787]

I have to vent a bit because I might blow up at my bf otherwise. I would really appreciate the advice! (Note: My bf and I do not live together)

 

My bf goes to these regular car meets every Wed night which last from 11pm to 2/3am. Last week, however, he spent Wed evening with me, he went to the car meet for 1 hour and came back so we could cuddle before bed together.

 

This Wed I felt he should go for the whole car meet since he wasnt able to last week, so even though we were supposed to hang out, I encouraged him to go to he meet instead. He said he would do the same thing he did last week ... spend a few hours with me, go to the meet for an hour and come back by midnight so we could go to bed together. I was totally ok with this.

 

Now, he ends up coming to my house late due to a flat tire (I cant blame him for this) and we spend 2 hours together before he drives to the car meet which is about 10 mins from my house. He says he will be back by midnight. I fall asleep, wake up at 12:30 and he is not back, so I called to make sure he was ok. He said there was a problem ... apparently he parked his car at the meet 10 mins from my house and then his cousins wanted to go to the races, which normally meet very close to my house as well. So my bf agreed to ride with them because he figured he could be dropped back at his car since the races were equally close by. However, his cousins ended up driving to a race location 30 minutes away! He kept saying he was sorry, that he should not have gone in the first place and that he had no idea they were going to take him to the races so far away. He apologized, he said he knew he messed up, and there was nothing he could do about it. His cousins were not about to drive back 30 mins to drop him off at his car, and then drive themselves back to the races. So he would have to wait until his cousins were done at the races and willing to drop him back.

 

Honestly, I dont care much that he ended up staying for the whole thing. What I do care about is WHY he didnt call me, why I had to call him to find out. When I asked, he said he was afraid I would yell at him (and in fact, I didnt yell at all - I was disappointed). What I also dont get is when my bf realized his cousins were driving off in a different direction that was not the normal location of the races, why didnt my bf ask them to turn around right then and there?

 

Part of me feels like while it may not have been his fault, at the same time he wanted to go to the races so he just let it go and didnt ask his cousins to turn around and knew he would face the consequences with me. But I dont know because last week he came back prompty within an hour so it might be a legit mistake. I know I am pretty pissed at his immaturity and for not informing me ... so I might accuse him of this when we discuss it. Is that ok to do?

 

Also -- he was feeling so bad he said when his cousins dropped him back at his car he was just going to go home, not come back to my place. I told him it was fine, if he wanted to come back he could, but I would be asleep. I told him I was disappointed in him and I did not want him around but I also know money is tight, so for him to drive back home at 3am for 45 mins is not the best option. I would rather him drive 10mins and sleep soundly in my bed.

 

Anyways, he ended up coming back at 3:30am it looks like. I was asleep, and I left this morning without saying bye. I need time to process.

 

Do you think I am overreacting? Because I still feel so mad and disappointed, and I take a while to get over things. I just felt my time was not valued, that he took me for granted and changed his plans last minute. He sounded genuinely remorseful but I dont know ... he knows he fked up lol and he knows I am going to be pissed off. He and I dont get many nights together these days because of his work schedule ... so the time we do spend together is precious. And if he promised to be back at midnight, dont frikin disappoint!! UGH. I am SO MAD.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Oh man, you are overreacting SO much. It's one night. He was obviously scared of your response, hence not letting you know he wasn't going to be back (being 'disappointed' in him for something THIS small is just as bad as yelling!) and it wouldn't surprise me if he did want to go to the races, but again was scared of your reaction; you seem very, very highly strung and to demand a lot from him.

 

Sure, it'd have been polite to let you know he was going to be so late back, I get that. But is it the end of the world? It's not that big a deal, unless he continually flakes on your plans. It's common courtesy to inform somebody if you're not going to go to their house once it's planned, but for it to upset you so much that you wrote this whole post, acted disappointed in him, and then left without saying goodbye in the morning just seems like the most incredible overreaction...

 

Is there any more to this story? Is this a thing that happens frequently? Do you expect a lot from him and respond very negatively when he doesn't live up to that?

[Grumpybutfun]

Confused:

I am going to answer the obvious, because you seem young and I feel this is a lesson worth learning. You seem to be projecting a lot of anger because you do not get to spend as much time together due to work schedules. That was your real issue, wasn't it? That was what you need to sit down calmly and talk about in a dignified and rational manner. How can we make the most of our time together without interfering in our hobbies, friendships and family obligations?

You did overreact. Micro-managing another person's movements is a bid for control that you will never manage. If you do not learn how to not micro-manage his movements, thoughts, ideas and actions, you will make him feel paranoid and resentful. A person cannot live their life walking on eggshells.

Sometimes when someone wants to do something their significant other does not want to do, they feel guilty for wanting to do it in fear that their SO will get hurt or angry. His behavior by saying he was afraid you will get mad suggests that you micro-manage him by getting upset over trivial things. You can just plan that from midnight until 3 am he will be at the car meet, that way you are neither one confused about what he is doing. He should have just stuck with the original plan and not said that he would be back to your place, but he probably changed his mind when he got to the races and met up with his cousins. Men do that...we change our mind sometimes. By reiterating that your bf has consequences, you are treating him like a child and not a man.

The only thing I see that he did wrong was not call or text you when he did change his mind. He seemed afraid of you which doesn't bode well for your relationship or your need to control him through anger and guilt. When he didn't call, your best course of action is to ask him not to do it again and to remind him that when he doesn't call you worry for his safety because you care for him. Other than that, you overreacted and now he will feel guilty and live in fear to do anything that you didn't sanction.

He didn't drink and drive, he didn't cheat, he didn't rob a store, he didn't stay out all night at a strip club, did he? Your reaction would have been perfect for any of these just for future reference.

Good luck,

Grumps

[confused8787]

The only part I can add to this story is that for the last few months he has become extremely stressed and busy. He started going to these meets to relax and blow off steam, its a guy thing honestly. I have been to one ... and I am happy he goes! I even told him to go last night, he didnt have to come spend time with me. I told him if he wanted to spend the whole night with his cousins at the meets and races, I didnt have a problem with it.

 

But it was HIS CHOICE to split the evening between the two. And when he left he said he would be back in an hour so we could go to sleep togther (we love going to bed together, we cuddle and talk a bit). So yes, I was disappointed we didnt get to do that, but it wasnt the end of the world. I thought something happened to him since he didnt call! These races are not the safest, people have gotten hurt. Luckily he doesnt race, he watches, but you never know.

 

Why did I have to call to find out?

 

Yes it does seem like I demand alot and am highly strung, because of late I have been. We dont see eachother that much or that often because of his work. He lives a bit of distance from me too and money for gas becomes an issue. These are all things that have strained our relationship this summer and I am trying to be very understanding of his needs. So when we do commit time to each other then I expect him to follow through. It is not like my life is any LESS busy! This summer I have complained a lot, we have fought alot, and he has withdrawn into a stressed out shell from everything he is dealing wiht. I am not saying I am right to have complained so much, but I learned from my mistakes and backed off. Mature people make mistakes but they confront them and learn from them. He seems immature in his decision to NOT call and in his decision to just go along wiht his cousins knowing it would mean he wouldnt be home for a while AFTER committing his time to me.

 

I felt like by not making more of an effort to ask his cousins to turn around so he could come back he was devaluing my time. And by not calling to let me know, he was disrespectful. Courtesy is important to me. He knows this. And he also knows he messed up. I posted here because I have not spoken to him since last night, even though he slept in the same bed. When he does call, do I just let it go? Do I have ANYTHING to bring up?

[acrosstheuniverse]

Yes, you just let it go. He knows he has pissed you off. He knows what he could have done and could do in the future to avoid this happening (calling you)... I understand you being busy, I'm busy too and I have very little free time so if my bf cancelled on me last minute without much of a good reason I'd be annoyed because I could have used that time for seeing somebody else or doing something fun... but it was something at midnight, he probably didn't think it mattered too much as it's not like he was preventing you from doing something else.

 

I would just let it go. You make him sound like a child 'he knows he screwed up'... he knows he pissed you off but I bet deep down he doesn't think he 'screwed up' at all and thinks you're overreacting. And in the future, tell him if he's going to change plans, to at least send a text and let you know. My bf is a very laid back, go with the flow kinda guy and I'm pretty highly strung and a bit of a control freak... I like to know what I'm going to be doing each day and night, because I'm so busy I need to be organised and plan or everything falls apart (two jobs, voluntary work, Masters programme, relationship, social life... a lot to fit in!). Once or twice he has not let me know about plans changing until I've mentioned it and I've just said straight up 'next time I'd appreciate it if you let me know straight away so I can adjust my schedule too ' and that's been that. It's really not worth getting bent out of shape about unless it happens frequently.

[confused8787]

Thank you Grumpy and acrosstheuniverse!!! You make a lot of sense. I am able to see things a lot clearer now, and I am glad I did not get a chance to talk to him before posting on this forum. I would have blown up at him. And yes, the anger would have been misplaced from the fact that we arent able to see eachother that often. I got upset because on the ONE night I get to fall asleep cuddled up to him, he doesnt follow through. But plans do change, and it isnt a recurrent act, it is just misplaced feels of resentment.

 

We have had the sit down talk about our schedules SEVERAL times this summer. Things are just really tough right now for him. He lives a good distance away from me, driving is expensive because of gas, and after working all day sometimes he doesnt feel like driving to me or doesnt want me to drive to him (because I cant spend the night due to my job location being too far from his house) so he ends up hanging out with his cousins ...

 

You are right -- I am overreacting and I did try to control his actions. He is an adult and I do treat him like a child by talking about consequences and saying that he knows he screwed up. I really need to work on my micromanaging and control issues.

 

Do you have any tips on how I can not come off so controlling/like a micromanager or so demanding?? I want him to be able to tell me things without being afraid

[Grumpybutfun]

Confused:

Communication isn't something you know right off the bat. My wife and I have worked very hard to learn this through many years of marriage. I think we started getting it right with two questions.

1. Is this the way I would want to be treated even if I did something inconsiderate? My wife often says, as I can be someone who is grumpy and someone who withdrawals.....Treat me like someone you love. This pulls me back from blame and guilt and feeling angry and makes me look at her with compassion, respect and love. No matter what someone else does, they are still the person you care for and want to be in your life. Talking to someone in a rational and calm manner makes them feel safe to come to you and tell you "Hey I am going to be late" or "I decided to spend some more time with my cousin." In other words, talk to them as though they are someone you love. Making me feel guilty did nothing to help my general inconsiderateness, but when my wife sat me down and started explaining..."Hey Grumps, when you don't call, I worry for your safety and it makes me sad and anxious. It also makes me feel you do not respect my time and my life. I still love you even though I feel sad right now." That changed the way I behaved in a way that guilt and shaming me would have never done.

 

2. Am I treating this person whom I love with kindness and respect while speaking to them? Yelling, namecalling, threats or accusations are off the table because you don't treat someone you love like that. Really changed the way we fought...in fact, now our heated discussion are over football, history and politics, not our marriage.

 

Like I said, these are things we had to figure out on our own. I did some pretty crazy things when we were first married because I was pretty macho. I took the door off the hinges once when she locked me out and hid it in the woods. I wrapped her up in a blanket and held onto her when she wanted to get out of the house after a fight. She threw my keys in the lake TWICE because when I got angry I would leave because I didn't want to talk to her. She also told one of my female Chiefs in the military that if she didn't quit calling me at home she was going to call her mother. Of course, I was oblivious to this woman's interest in me because I am dense sometimes.My point is we all do crazy stuff when we do not know how to communicate. You overreacted, but you knew that something was off about your feelings so you came here...excellent.

Don't be too hard on yourself,

Grumps

Edited September 5, 2013 by Grumpybutfun

[confused8787]

Hi grumpy, acrosstheuniverse,

I wanted to update you guys ... my bf texted me saying he loved me and that he left a small gift for me at my house before he left this morning. I came home to find a handwritten apology and three coupons for me to use whenever I want, for a massage, etc etc. It was one of the sweetest things he has ever done. He said he came to my house last night, I was already asleep, but he stayed awake thinking about how he could make it up to me. And honestly I never opened my mouth about anything all day, I was pretty quiet, no texts or calls. He trxted and called me. Sometimes backing off helps clear the air.

 

Keeping that in mind, I have some conflicting feelings I was hoping you could give me advice on. Your insights were really helpful and I appreciated it. Tonight when he called me he was working on his cousins car. We talked, I was pleasant and did not complain or bring up any issues. After we hung up tho I felt jealous. I am ashamed to say so but I did. He was with his cousins again! After having spent all night last night with them. Granted, his cousin lives 10mins from his house and I live 45 mins away ... but still. Would he not want to spend some time with me since our evening was cut short? Do men not think like that??

 

A little backstory ... my bf and I used to spend almost every day together during the academic year. His school is 5 mins from my house. However, this summer he had a lot of work at home, he is rebuilding his room and bathroom after a flood. He is doing it himself due to financial reasons. So he didn't want to come over as much. He would be tired after a long day of manual labor and didn't want to drive so far to see me and have to drive back in the morning. As a result he began hanging out with his cousins more. They live 10mins from him and they usually come over to his place unannounced and ask him to go out to the car meets with them. Or to play video games. So my bf began spending 4 or more evenings with them. I got the weekends. All day sat and sun. And the weekend nights. That is, until, a week before school. He started stressing thst he wasn't done with his room and school was beginning. So I told him he shd use our weekend time to put in extra work. He took me up on that offer. Now for the last 3 weekends I have not been able to hang out with him. At max I get maybe 2 nights a week with him, and we can't do much because I work a full time corporate job. So I have to be in bed and up at a certain time. He kept saying to give him time, things will go back to normal. that he missed seeing me and if he could he would spend at least 6 days a week with me, but because of work he can't right now. He also said once clases begin he would be at my place again more frequently. Classes started last week. I still only see bim 2x.

During this whole summer I have bi***ed about his lack of time for me. We have fought about it every week, and I compared myself to his cousons.I said, you now see them 80% of the week and me maybe 10%. It used to be the other way around!! I know they live closer and since they drive him around, he doesnr have to worry about gas. Money is always very tight for my bf. Sometimes he has said he doesnt have enough money for gas to come see me.

 

I understand his situation and I can only do so much. I can't drive to him always because from work it's almost a 90 min drive for me. Which is crazy when I get out so late. I hate feeling so jealous that his cousins get him so often. It has bred a lot of resentment and tension between us. I complain a lot, I am shamed to admit thst too. And he is tired of hearing it.

How do I handle it when I feel like that? I tend to call him a lot and he always picks up, but he is always with his cousins and it feels like I am bugging him. He will talk to me but some nights when I'm feeling particularly down I will call like 3x in a few hours. I an sure it's annoying.

I just don't know how to let go. I mean how patient can one be?? He says he will be done by the endof the month. But will he?? And if he isn't??

[confused8787]

And again he fails ... he said he would call me later tonight. It's now 12:30am and no call. He isn't answering his phone either. He is probably with his cousins and left his phone at home to charge ... he knows I have a full time job, I wake up early and like everyone else who works a typical 9-5 or more, I get tired and need my 5-6 hours.

So I trxted him a bit sarcastic. I Said, "thanks for calling me before I went to bed, i appreciate it. I have to be up in 5 hours.You were never like this before. You used to really respect me and value my time. Anyways, good night. Etc etc". .

two nights in a row got to me. I was sarcastic but I was also honest and still said good night etc. What do you think??

[Els]

Grumpy has pretty much covered all the bases, IMO, so just a few short points here:

 

1. Passive aggressiveness gets you nowhere. Re: your latest post, if something was bothering you, you should talk to him about it. Not text him with sarcasm. What did you even think that would achieve?

 

2. Don't ask for things that you don't really want. If you have been feeling unhappy with the lack of time the entire summer, why did you INSIST that he go for the whole car meet when he seemed more than happy to spend the night with you? And why did you tell him to take all your weekend time to study, and then get unhappy about the ratio of time he spent with you and his cousins after the fact? Stuff like that. It seems to me that you always over-compensate initially to sound like the 'considerate girlfriend', then get unhappy with the consequences created by him simply following your suggestions.

 

If you want more, stop acting towards him like you want less. And if you want to see him more often and the cost of gas is the issue, why not offer to cover it (since you work full-time and he is a student)? Then you will know whether the gas was truly the issue or whether it is something deeper and less excusable as you are suspecting, yes?

 

I'm not trying to pick on you, I'm really not, but I think you're being your own worst enemy in a lot of ways here.

[confused8787]

I have offered and I have helped him out financially in countless ways, he has never asked. I have always offered. But he doesnt want my help every single time. Nobody would want that.

 

And I offered him to use our weekends to work during the day, but nights are still an option. Why doesn't he offer to hang out then?? And if I ask, he is is too tired or sore to drive over. But he has the energy to go to the car meet with his cousins 3x a week? He has the energy to play video games and hang out till 1am? Yes these are free activities but I never asked to go out,I could very well drive to him on weekend nights when I'm not working.

 

He sees his cousins almost 5x a week! And the two nights I get, I even offer to let him go spend it again with them at the meets! I did that because he wasn't able to go last week either, it was a genuine offer from me. He doesn't value my time or our time together. It's become all about his cousins. If they come over and ask to hang out he jumps at it. He is always willing and able. He goes out of his way for them. And I don't feel like a priority anymore. I sound like a whiny baby but I have to be somewhere on his priority list don't I? After all, he talks about a future and a life with me.

[Els]

Ah, okay, thanks for clarifying.

 

What does he say when you talk to him rationally and calmly about all this? Have you tried?

[confused8787]

Yes I have tried talking to him REPEATEDLY about it. He hates the fact that I am jealous of his cousins. He finds it unattractive I guess. Most of the time they just come over randomly and take him out.They are much closer to him, about 10 mins from his house.

 

He says to give it time, he will finish up his work as soon as he can and then things will go back to normal. He is stressed out and tired of working on this construction. He himself is about to give up on it.

 

At this point he doesnt initiate plans with anyone, me or his cousins. Either party ask to ask my bf to hang out. And I feel like I am always competing with them for time. Especially because they are always doing car things together, and my bf LOVES cars (it really is his passion--he is so knowledeable about them), so he feels naturally inclined to hang out with them. Cars take him away from his troubles. When he is around me we always tend to argue a bit, I always have something to complain about. I know I am putting myself under the bus here but I can see why he would not want to spend time with me.

 

His cousins have become his primary outlet for fun, I am no longer and option or a priority. I feel like an after thought. I just want him to put in as much effort with me as he does with them, as much time with me as he does with them. And if he cant do that, I think I am ready to walk.

[Grumpybutfun]

confused:

The most attractive woman is the woman who has her own life, her own friends and her own activities going on. You said that your jealousy of his cousins is unattractive to your bf. Yes, it is and yet you entertain it anyway. You are sabotaging yourself and your happiness and you need to figure out why. You know you are "nagging" and yet you do so anyway and then offer him nights with his cousins. Not making any sense in that regard. If you genuinely want him to spend time with his cousins then you would not, in return, be jealous.

You micromanage by saying...

he did this and this and then this and then when I did this he did that....do you understand what I mean? You need to let him go as he clearly needs some space right now for his projects at home. If you want to really know why he likes spending time with his cousins, I will be honest with you...they do not nag him, they do not micromanage his every move, thought and idea and they do not make him feel bad and guilty for anything.

You have a full time job and that is great, but you also need your own friends, you need to stop making him the center of your universe because honestly it is very suffocating, and you need to appreciate your own life and back off. You two have serious communication issues in that you neither one are asking for what you need in a clear and concise manner because you are both afraid of offending the other. You are being very passive aggressive by telling him you want him to spend time with cousins, then getting angry and jealous when he does. These are all silly mind games that at your age you should not play anymore.

Your bf used to spend a great deal of time with you because it was convenient but now it isn't and you two need to come up with a workable solution without all of this game playing, mind games, micromanaging and passive aggressiveness.

Let him go a bit and he will naturally gravitate back to you if you treat him with kindness. The biggest mistake I see women make is trying to get their SO's to do anything with anger, shame, or guilt.

You may not think you are doing that, but just by reading your posts, you are suffocating the bf and he is gravitating towards the cousins because with them he has fun without any drama. Cut the drama.

Good luck,

Grumps

[confused8787]

Thank you Grumps. I know I am suffocating him with all the back and forth changing my mind, playing games, etc. And yes, I am very passive aggressive. I deal with things by backing away, feeling angry, nurturing that anger and then either calming down or blowing up. I cant always say what I want to him because youre right, I am afraid of him resenting me, or of him saying NO, I cant or wont do that.

 

I know it may seem like I say one thing and feel another, but I really truly dont mind him spending time with his cousins. What I do mind is him taking it to the extreme where every free evening, unless I ask for it, is spent with them! Sure, they are convenient right now, and they share similar interests. But you dont stop making an effort in your relationship do you? I get 1-2 nights and that is out of convenience for a few hours before bed ... on weeknights when we cant really do much since I have work the next day.

 

This is what I want: I want him to make the effort to balance his life between me and them. I get that he is busy, stressed, has personal deadlines to finish his projects, but dont keep me on the sidelines as someone you want to see AFTER you have finished everything else. And by everything else I dont mean work or school, they come first. What I mean is I dont want to come AFTER his cousins, after the car meets, after video games. After exhausting all of those options, then you have time for me? Thats what it FEELS like and it is kind of shi**y to be honest. Am I overthinking it AGAIN lol?

 

I am trying btw to fill my life with other things. I have my own personal struggles I am going through, which btw he acts oblivious too, maybe he has no energy to remember to ask how I am feeling about A or B, but I wish he did. Anyways, I began making new friends and finding activities. Regardless of how busy I get I cant come last in his priority list. I want someone who values me, who wants to spend time with me.

[Grumpybutfun]

confused:

Let us try it this way.

 

Scenario 1: A girlfriend calls her boyfriend who lives far away and has many obligations and says: "Hi Sweetness, I was wondering if you might want to get together on Tuesday and get pizza and rent a movie. I have really been wanting to see Children of the Corn 3 and I thought you mentioned you like it too. I was thinking things have been hectic and I wanted us to just spend some time relaxing together and reconnecting. What night do you have free?"

 

Scenario 2: A girlfriend calls her boyfriend who lives far away and has many obligations and says: "Look, I am really tired of feeling like 2nd fiddle to your cousins, though I don't mind if you hang out with them at all, and really want you to come over tonight so we can talk about all the stuff that has been going on. Our relationship has taken a back page to everything in your life and I think you need to make me a priority. I don't want you to feel like you have to, but I am very upset right now and wish you would."

 

Which one do you think would make him want to come over? Which one do you think would make him feel like you appreciate and like him still? Which one wouldn't confuse him?

 

Grumps

[confused8787]

Hmm that makes a lot of sense. Plan and ask for what you want directly. Instead what I have been doing is calling him over making him feel obligated to come. And that's why it comes off as a chore. I can definitely change my approach and I would like to try that. Is it fair for now that I make all the plans? He doesn't seem to have the mind or energy for it.

 

Tonight was a debacle of sorts Btw. And maybe I could have handled it better, I don't know. I called to see what his plans were since it was 4pm and I still didn't know what we were doing if anything. He asked if he could come over, and I said sure, what time? He said 8:30. He was helping his cousin fix his car. The brakes were giving trouble. I said, 8:30 is pretty late for us to do anything, he said he was very tired from working on the car all day, had not eaten a single thing and was dirty from the oil. I said fine, lets have dinner when he comes. He said, I'm going to eat with my cousin because I'm starving. I got annoyed a bit because there was an excuse, a talk back for everything. I asked him why he couldn't eat with me, something relaxing we can do together. He got annoyed and said, "fk, whatever you want. I'll wait to eat with you. It's always your way".

 

So I went about my business and I saw some reason and decided I would ask him if he wanted me to bring him and his cousin food since they were working all day. I called him at 6:30 and he said the oil had leaked and it was going to take another 2-3 hours to fix etc. He said he would call me when he was done. I said, look you agreed to a night and a time with me and it's not fair for you to keep changing plans. He said, "what do you want me to do? Not help my cousin? Stop work and then him not have a car??" Obviously there was no way for me to respond to that. He then said he was tired of hearing me complain. He felt like a zombie, no feelings at all anymore and he was tired of it. He said he didn't care anymore, he was over it. I asked, over what? Do you want to end things? Is that how you feel? He said, I never said that. You can do whatever the fk you want. I was pretty upset because he was saying things just to hurt me. It was cruel. So I naturally answered back and said, oh you wouldn't miss me if I left? you don't care about us? He said no, no I don't. And I was like, really now? And he's like, yes. I'm telling you exactly what you want to hear. He said he was tired and hungry and I said, fine then, don't take it out on me, go eat. He said he wasn't going to eat anythng after our argument about dinner. He was just being a big baby. He was acting so indifferent, kept telling me to do whatever the fk I wanted, he was cursing, irritated, and kept saying he wanted to be left alone to work on the car and he will call me later.

Now me being a crazy person, I bought food and drove it over to his house. if he was going to be stubborn I could be as well. Weirdly enough as I drive up, his dad is outside. My bf and his cousin went to wash the oil off the car. His dad I have only met once. He walked up to me and said hello, told me to come inside etc. I said, no thanks, he will be upset if I come inside, can you pls just give him the food? His dad said, what's wrong? You shd give it yourself. I said, no he is upset with me, we just had a big fight. Then he came closer to talk to me while I'm in the car and we talked for 30 mins! He told me that my bf has been angry and upset with everyone, he has been disrespectful and offhand, very irritable. He said it wasn't just me that my bf was blowing up at but everyone. It was really refreshing to hear that, that all this blame I had on myself for the mood swings my bf would go into was not my fault. I know I set him off, my behavior needs work but the way he responds by cursing yelling and being indifferent and cold is worse.

My bf finally returned. I gave him the food but he said he didn't want it, that he wasn't hungry and he was upset I disregarded his earlier statement on the phone to not being him food. He said he didn't understand why I drove all the way, he told me to go, to leave him alone. Thst he would call when he was done and then come over. I kept asking why he was behaving so cruelly. Like nothing mattered to him. I said, do you not care about us, why are you so casual about it? He said, no I don't care. I said, oh so you want me to leave you alone?. forever? And he said yes. So then I asked, oh do you want me to end it? He said, whatever you want to do. I said, no it's what you want since you seem to not care about anything anymore. He said he never said he wanted to break up. He was just saying yes and agreeing to everything because I was saying stupid sh*t like asking if he wanted to break up. He was basically taunting me, and playing along to my questioning.

I finally left, drove 45 mins home. He called and said he was coming over but wanted to just fall asleep. He said the other option is he could calm down tonight, work on his house tomorrow and come to me in the early afternoon to hang out. I said, that's fine. We both need our space now.

 

Honestly tho -- I do need my space after being exposed to behavior like that. I know I could have done things differently but the things he said, the tantrums he played thé tone and language he used ... Tomm when he calls I am thinking of asking for a few days of space. I don't know if I can be with someone like this. Something has to change in his approach to things.

 

You know he took the bag of food and left it on top of his car?? How disrespectful is that? Not many people would have bought a guy food knowing he was upset at you. I didn't want to even talk to my bf. That's why I tried to give his dad the food first ... Sighsssss

 

sorry for the length! Somehow this is therapeutic.

[Grumpybutfun]

Confused:

Drama, drama....he did this and then I did that and then I did this and he cursed me out and then I stood there and let him taunt me. Micromanaging looks exactly like this. Please read my posts again. I don't think you quite got it. This time micromanaging utterly failed because he didn't have the patience to deal with you so he verbally attacked you because he was tired and hungry and you just kept poking at him like a hibernating bear. You both need a long time out. You need to think about how to get your life and yourself back from making him the center of the universe. You also need to think about your self-worth since you took food to someone who was ignoring you and did not want to spend time with you. Also, why in the world would you let anyone curse and taunt you like that? You need to reevaluate your self-worth. This isn't about your relationship, but about you. Where is your self-worth? Where is your dignity and respect for yourself?

Your bf sounds like he is at the end of his rope with you and you just hung him with it by putting yourself in a situation where you knew he was stressed and hating the way you are micromanaging him and you nagged and cornered him. You both just talked about breaking up and what you got from it was that he was disrespectful for putting the bag of food on the roof...hmmm. Do you not see how this is passive aggressive, micromanaging and controlling?

Stay away from him and work on yourself. I know you really do want the best, but you are sabotaging yourself.

Slow down and think,

Grumps

[Simon Phoenix]

The both of you seem pretty immature to be quite honest. He obviously has some sort of attitude going, but you are not helping with your passive-aggressiveness and your confrontation. Stop playing mind games. If you want to hang out with him, initiate it and don't be so damn controlling. I'm not blaming you 100 percent, he seems like kind of a douche, but you aren't helping your cause at all. You are nagging and picking at him and that's just a lose-lose situation. I don't know what you think that will solve but if you look at how the communication keeps deteriorating it's obvious that your approach sucks.

 

To be honest, he doesn't want to spend time with you right now because you bring stress to his life. I mean, I'm stressed reading what you have to say. You took the first incident that started this thread way the hell out of proportion and it seems to have gotten worse. I mean, maybe it is best you guys break up, or at least maybe cool off for a week to let all the bad feelings go down, because the both of you are just adding bullsh*t to this mountain. But no one wants to be with someone who stresses them out and that's exactly what you are doing. Cut the passive-aggressiveness, cut the mind games. If you want to hang out with him, make it clear. And stop being a nag. You can't control his behavior, but you need to control yours. If you do that and he's still acting like a dick, then you have to cut bait.

[confused8787]

Thank you for reading my long post. and for the advice!

 

In the situation last night would it have been better if I has said, I understand you are getting delayed by your cousins car. How about we meet up another night this weekend? This would have been fine for me to say of our relationship was not already rocky. I mentioned before that every hour I get with him is special and rare these days. I overreacted tho. I did try to micromanage the situation and control his actions and him!

 

The food part ... honestly that's just my nature. I believe food and basic necessities should never come in between me and the people I love. I know he's a big boy and could have gotten his own food, but he wouldnt have after our dinner argument. It really seems so petty and stupid and immature when I write about it now.

 

He said he will call me today so we could hang out. But you are right Grumps. Where is my self worth?.why did I stand there and let him curse and say purposefully hurtful things? He should take responsibility for his behavior and I for mine. I don't want to minimize his words and actions from yesterday. So my thought now is to take your advice and take a breather. I think I am choking the life out of him and he is prob driving me crazy. When he calls and I know he will apologize and make plans for today. Instead I want to ask him for some space to think things over. I am pretty nervous to do this for many reasons,

1) he will think it's a break and he never wanted to take a break in our relationship. I need to make it clear it's just breathing time for us both. if he thinks it's a break he will flip out.

2) I'm afraid to be without his communication for a few days or a week. I have spent more than 2 years with him and have spoken to him every day.

3) do I tell him I need to think about whether I want to be with someone who acts the way he did? or do I simply say I need some breathing room?

 

Thank you guys! Lets hope I grow up and learn to stand on my own two feet from this ... And start valuing myself more.