Male dumpERs that go NC immediately?

[OPL86]

This is something I REALLY, REALLY don't understand. My question is two-fold:

 

1. When a guy breaks up with someone or wants a break, why do the guys sometimes just straight up stop talking to the other person and cut off all means of communication within a couple days (defriend on facebook, blocking gchat, etc.) EVEN WHEN they haven't heard from the dumpee since? Is the guy doing it for himself? Because he's hurting too? Because he still has all these feelings? Or is it really just a sign that he's completely over it and actually just straight shutting the door on the relationship (have no desire to stay in contact with the other person)?

 

2. Anyone ever had a guy do that and then when he came back around, he admitted to having missed you and thought about you the entire time?

 

I've had guy friends say that they did it because they didn't want to be tempted to contact the other person or have to think about the other person, etc. - but, I feel like, if you are so tempted to talk to someone because you miss them or are thinking about them etc., and so you obviously still have strong feelings for the person, isn't it way harder to just cut off all communication, instead of leaving it so you could reach out to them?

 

If the guy has any thought of potentially working things out in time, isn't he worried that by just cutting off all these random forms of communication, he's going to come across as though he's just slamming the door shut - or do guys just not think ahead about things like that?

 

I feel like if a guy I was dating cut off all contact with me after saying he wanted space to sort out feelings or an ex came crawling back out of nowhere and now they're totally confused about feelings, etc. - I think I would be REALLY hurt if a day or two later they also suddenly defriended me or removed me from gchat, etc. My initial reaction would be "Obviously he doesn't have any feelings for me or he wouldn't want to cut me out entirely."

 

I've had so many guy friends tell me that guys do that when there ARE feelings and they can't/don't want to face or deal with them, or because they don't want to be tempted to contact the other person, etc., but I'm just not convinced. It almost seems mean to tell someone you just need space/time, etc. and then to cut off one more option of communication.

[lylat333]

1. When a guy breaks up with someone or wants a break, why do the guys sometimes just straight up stop talking to the other person and cut off all means of communication within a couple days (defriend on facebook, blocking gchat, etc.) EVEN WHEN they haven't heard from the dumpee since? Is the guy doing it for himself? Because he's hurting too? Because he still has all these feelings? Or is it really just a sign that he's completely over it and actually just straight shutting the door on the relationship (have no desire to stay in contact with the other person)?

First of all, I don't think it's right to think anything in particular is "guy" behavior. LS has shown me men and women are very similar and it wouldn't be accurate to generalize.

 

I believe if the dumper is the one who cuts off all contact so soon, chances are they really do want to shut the door on contact. The best thing for the dumpee to do is give them exactly what they want. It's not easy, because there's the concern it will only make things worse - but you know what is guaranteed to make things worse? Pushing and being desperate/needy. It doesn't work and makes things worse.

 

2. Anyone ever had a guy do that and then when he came back around, he admitted to having missed you and thought about you the entire time?

 

I'm not sure I buy into this even if a dumper were to say such a thing. After a period of NC they may realize they made a mistake and truly miss you, but I think it's dishonest to say they "missed you and thought about you the entire time". Truth is they were probably relieved to have the dumpee out of their life after the breakup.

 

if you are so tempted to talk to someone because you miss them or are thinking about them etc., and so you obviously still have strong feelings for the person, isn't it way harder to just cut off all communication, instead of leaving it so you could reach out to them?

 

It's either because they really don't care about the dumpee or there ARE strong feelings and confusion. Space is necessary for a person to come to terms with their ultimate feelings. It's easier to keep someone out of your life if you're not concerned about losing them.

 

If the guy has any thought of potentially working things out in time, isn't he worried that by just cutting off all these random forms of communication, he's going to come across as though he's just slamming the door shut - or do guys just not think ahead about things like that?

 

Defriending on FB and blocking on gchat isn't enough to stop someone who cares from seeking reconciliation, especially if they put up those barriers themselves. They will call/text your number or figure out what it is, they'll talk to a mutual friend or family member to see where things or at, or show up on your doorstep if they have to.

 

NC is the answer for the dumpee. When a dumper is distancing themselves, regardless of their feelings, pushing/prodding/questioning is the surefire way to make things more difficult.

[OPL86]

Thanks for your thoughts! I also 100% agree that pushing someone who needs space and trying to contact them only makes matters worse and pushes them away more - that's why I specifically noted that I don't understand why "dumpers" cut off contact and then other means of communication when the "dumpee" HAS NOT been hitting them up or trying desperately to talk to them.

 

I've heard of so many instances where the dumper defriended the person or blocked the person's gmail, what have you, a couple days AFTER the initial break/break-up talk when the "dumpee" hasn't contacted the person at all. For some reason, in that situation, it seems almost hurtful to the dumpee... like the "dumpee" has already been dumped or told that the other person wants a break - and now the "dumper" seems to be doing something that says "I'm just taking some casual steps to completely erase you from my life."

 

I also 100% agree with you that most of the time the dumper is relieved initially after the break-up. I hate to generalize, but I have found this recurring theme with guy friends that the break-up tends to hit them much later than it does for a girl who has dumped someone.

 

To your comment that "if the dumper is the one who cuts off all contact so soon, chances are they really do want to shut the door on contact" - do you mean PERMANENTLY cut off contact? do you think it's also a matter of the dumper not wanting to feel tempted to contact the dumpee?

[lylat333]

I also 100% agree that pushing someone who needs space and trying to contact them only makes matters worse and pushes them away more - that's why I specifically noted that I don't understand why "dumpers" cut off contact and then other means of communication when the "dumpee" HAS NOT been hitting them up or trying desperately to talk to them.

Even if the dumpee hasn't contacted since the actual breakup, it could still be a reaction to any begging/pleading that was going on towards the end.

 

It's hard to say, we can't know why a person goes the extra mile to erase someone out of their life. I am a recent dumpee and a few weeks ago I took down all of the photos I had w/ my ex because I wanted to show I was moving on and not living in the past. My ex did the same thing not even 24 hours later... I have to assume she still checks my profile like I was still checking hers.

 

Maybe the best thing to do is try not to even guess why the dumper would do such a thing. Maybe it's the only way for them to feel that they are actually living life without the dumpee - seems plausible. Maybe it's something more unsettling - the dumper could have someone else waiting in the wings and they want to do some social housekeeping to make way for someone new - also not out of the realm of possibility, but trying to read the other person's mind is futile I think.

 

To your comment that "if the dumper is the one who cuts off all contact so soon, chances are they really do want to shut the door on contact" - do you mean PERMANENTLY cut off contact? do you think it's also a matter of the dumper not wanting to feel tempted to contact the dumpee?

 

Not necessarily permanently. Definitely for the time being at least, for whatever reason. I don't think it's done to fight against temptation... my guess is it's to try and mentally move on and not still feel like the person is right there. When you break up with someone you don't want the dynamics of your social life to feel the exactly the same especially regarding your ex so I could see it being done as a way to provide greater clarity.

[pinkie]

Generally, when someone wants a 'break' it usually means it's over. Especially if certain terms about the 'break' haven't been discussed, like how long, seeing others, communication terms, etc.

[Sugarkane]

The OP asked why do the dumpers cut you off and erase you, when you haven't contacted them.

[Sugarkane]

that's why I specifically noted that I don't understand why "dumpers" cut off contact and then other means of communication when the "dumpee" HAS NOT been hitting them up or trying desperately to talk to them.

 

I've heard of so many instances where the dumper defriended the person or blocked the person's gmail, what have you, a couple days AFTER the initial break/break-up talk when the "dumpee" hasn't contacted the person at all. For some reason, in that situation, it seems almost hurtful to the dumpee... like the "dumpee" has already been dumped or told that the other person wants a break - and now the "dumper" seems to be doing something that says "I'm just taking some casual steps to completely erase you from soon, chances are they really do want to shut the door on contact" -?

. Note no begging and pleading from the dumpee.

[OPL86]

Yes, exactly. I was really asking about the situation where the dumper goes complete NC immediately when there has been NO begging/pleading, etc. at any point from the dumpee. For example, the dumper says they want a break to figure things out (could be for any reason, ex came back in the picture and feelings came up, a lot of recent fighting) and then they not only go into complete no contact (go from texting/calling/emailing the person every day to saying nothing at all), but they also take other steps like defriending on facebook, unfollowing on instagram etc.

 

On the one hand, I think I would interpret it as a sign that the person was just trying to permanently erase me from their life. On the other hand, I think it may be the case that the dumper still has strong feelings/misses the other person, etc. and so it's too hard for them to keep potential lines of communication open at all. Most friends have said that it was because it hurt them to see what their ex was up to (even if they were the dumpee) and they wanted to have a clear head, etc. HOWEVER, I can't help but think that if I was on the receiving end, it would feel like a total slap in the face - like this person you used to talk to every single day just suddenly cuts you out completely because they actually want nothing to do with you.

 

(Side note: I 100% disagree that people who say they want a break really just want a full break-up - certainly there are situations where that is the case, but I know of numerous friends who have been on both ends of a break and it really was just a "break" and I have also asked for a break in a prior relationship and the entire reason I said "break" was because I was pretty sure I did NOT ultimately want to end the relationship entirely.)

[lylat333]

Sorry for the misunderstanding, I thought that there may have been begging/pleading towards the end even though NC may have been implemented as soon as it was definitely official.

 

I haven't personally experienced this so I'm not sure. But if the relationship was good for the most part it does seem odd they would do so much... I would think that there is a lot of emotion there they are trying to bury, and it may resurface at some point.

 

I feel the same way OPL86 about "breaks". I've expressed strong consideration for a break a time or two and I really wasn't ready for it to end for good necessarily, I would just feel I was getting in a rut I couldn't get out of and something needed to change. I felt that some space would provide a better perspective and in hindsight probably would have caused me to really miss the person I was with after some period of time.