confusedleila Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 Hi everyone, My life's been a mess for months now and I think I'd like to know the opinion/advice of an outsider. I'm from country A, boyfriend from country B, husband from country C In country D, when I was 16 I fell in love with a guy who was 20 at the time. We dated for a few months but then I broke up with him because he didn't love me and I was so much in love with him it hurt. I never really got to know him. He moved back to country B and I to country A. A couple of years later I got knocked up by my boyfriend and so we got married. THe marriage lasted for a year. He abused me and the relationship didn't work anyway. Boyfriend from country B popped into my head but didn't know where to look for him, so I gradually "forgot" about him again (or closed the drawer on that part of my heart). Then a few years later I moved to country C to get a college degree, where I met a guy. He was nice and loved my daughter. I was a 25-year-old woman thinking that I'm lucky that I found a guy who loves my daughter and treats her as his own. I'm not sure if I was every really in love with him but thought that it could work out nicely. Afterall, I got burnt twice, so I wasn't exactly looking for a true love. SO we got married. I had one condition, though: no violence, I'd had too much of that from my dad and ex-hubby. We had two kids and that's when things started going wrong. I was exhausted because baby #1 was colicky, wouldn't sleep through the night, and all the other stuff that comes with babies. Baby #2 had asthma so bad, I went to the ER with him at least once a month. And he wasn't sleeping through the night either. On top of that I had to go back to work, so my schedule was 4 am to 10 pm. I was tired all the time, I had too much stress in my life and husband never seemed to help me out. I have a very short fuse, so under these circumstances I was a maniac (to use my husband's words), I yelled a lot because he was late from work, because he wouldn't do something right away, or what I considered a reasonable time frame. So I'm no angel either. Under all this pressure, and breastfeeding for 26 months, I lost all ineterest in sex, and he had to talk me into it most of the time. I thought that my interest would come back after I stop breastfeeding and the babies get bigger. Then, about a year after baby #2 was born, he raped me. At the time, I thought that it was ok because I was his wife and that was part of my "duty". But I did cry afterwards. This was about a year and a half ago. This spring my hormones started getting back to normal, and I was waiting for my interest to come back but it never did. I started wondering what happened, and at the same time, also getting fed up with my husband's dependence on me. He couldn't do anything without me, I had to make a decision about everything, everything was up to me, and he wouldn't spend any time away from us, not even with his friends. I was also starting to miss my country and getting really depressed about my life in country C. SO I had a talk with hubby for the umptieth time. Then I started wondering about boyfriend from country B, again. THis time however, I got creative and by some miracle I found him (In country E). For months we emailed and talked on the phone. I figured, if I got to know him, maybe I wouldn't love him anymore. Then, I went to see him. We spent the most wonderful weekend together. I got really confused. I was still madly in love with him! Before I left, I had had a talk with hubby again, and told him that I thought that his raping me was just sinking in with me and that I didn't know if I had it in me to forgive him. I did't love him anymore. We continued talking and most of the time, he ended up just hurting me more with his comments about me being a maniac, a bad mother, cruel, selfish, etc. So, this past weekend I went to see my boyfriend again but this time, I wasn't expecting anything and was ready to close this chapter of my life. Things couldn't have gone better for me. He wasn't nearly as warm and receptive as the first time. When I told him that, he said he was sleepy, didn't feel well, and that the first time was after 17 years. BUt I know that he will never love me the way I love him, and besides he is just way too different from me. Today, I told my husband, that I had found my boyfriend and that I had seen him twice, that nothing had happened and that I wanted to stay friends with him. He's really mad at me because I lied to him. THe first trip was supposed to be my well-deserved mini-vacation away from family, and the second to find a job, because we had talked about moving within a year. I still don't know if I can forgive him, and stay with him but I have three children I need to think about. I may never be able to bury my love for boyfriend but I can't afford to move in with him and find out if he will fall in love with me over time ( I think he's just being nice about it anyway). I really don't know what to do! HOw can you love one person and live with another, who hurt you so badly? What's going to happen to my children if we divorce? I don't want to stay in this country, I'd like to move back home. Sorry for the long post. Thank for your comments. Confusedleila
Weird Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 I say you end the marriage if you don't love the guy.
bluechocolate Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 I believe this old b/friend of yours from 17 years ago is just a smoke-screen. What did you honestly think was going to happen? That you would secret your children away to another country to live with this man happily-ever-after? but I can't afford to move in with him and find out if he will fall in love with me over time He's not going to solve your problems. I guess that issue is moot now anyway - but I do find it strange that you would have even considered the possiblity of moving in with him! What's going to happen to my children if we divorce? Find out what the laws are in whatever country you're in. It is highly unlikely that you will be allowed to take them from the country if your husband wants to be near his children. I don't want to stay in this country, I'd like to move back home. I really don't know what to do! Do you want to stay married to this man & make your marriage work?
Author confusedleila Posted November 17, 2004 Author Posted November 17, 2004 Originally posted by bluechocolate I believe this old b/friend of yours from 17 years ago is just a smoke-screen. What did you honestly think was going to happen? That you would secret your children away to another country to live with this man happily-ever-after? Contrary to what you think, I was hoping that I would no longer find him attractive, that my taste in men had changed over time. I don't think you know what it feels like to have an uncompleted relationship that surfaces every time something goes wrong in your life. He's not going to solve your problems. I guess that issue is moot now anyway - but I do find it strange that you would have even considered the possiblity of moving in with him! I know he's not going to solve my problems, and I only considered the move-in for one second - as in "that would be really great but I have three kids and he has one and it just wouldn't work out". Find out what the laws are in whatever country you're in. It is highly unlikely that you will be allowed to take them from the country if your husband wants to be near his children. Do you want to stay married to this man & make your marriage work? It would only be for the sake of the children. By now, husband got hurt too, and he himself has doubts about our relationship.
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