He left his wife for me, now wants to go back

[Red Wolverine]

Me, too, canuck. And sometimes things he says makes me want to shake him. "YOUUUUUU can change that! Don't say "If only..."!!!", but then that would make me a hypocrite b/c *I* can change it, too by just walking away and removing his choice.

 

And yet here I sit, impatiently waiting b/c...I don't even know why other than love.

 

Him saying, "If only..." is him making a choice. Every day he spends in the affair is a choice to not legitimize the relationship. It's just a passive choice that appears to have undertones of changing. Married APs depend on their single APs not accepting what that means.

 

I've been there. Waiting on a decision when one has been made passively. The act of waiting is also passive acceptance of their decision.

 

Just something to think about.

[janedoe67]

Thank you all for all your comments. I will stay NC, and I think he will not contact me anymore. as he says he has to put duty over love.

 

I applaud you for making such a hard choice. It shows that you have enough character to do the right thing even when it hurts.

[SunsetRed]

Im so sorry this has happened to you. Please promise me that you'll practice NC. It will take an agonizingly long time to move on from this, but whatever you do, don't waste years of your precious life doing the back and forth thing with this loser.

 

His emotionally unbalanced wife can have him. You know he's cheated on her and devalued her throughout their whole marriage. You know the minute you've completely moved on and are with someone else, he'll show up saying how much he misses you and wants you.

 

No matter how much this kills you on the inside, count your losses and move on. Don't you sit on the fence with your own life, trying to hold on to him and trying to live your life at the same time. Just go live your life.

 

Peace and Blessings

[stillafool]

Thank you all for all your comments. I will stay NC, and I think he will not contact me anymore. as he says he has to put duty over love.

 

......and sex before anything. At least you found out how he copes with stress.

[AlwaysGrowing]

And yet here I sit, impatiently waiting b/c...I don't even know why other than love.

 

If one was completely honest with themselves, they would never define those actions as love. Its just a pretty thing we tell ourselves...to seem...idk...more noble...more "good"...more understanding.

 

Its none of that. Its a lie.

 

What it is fear. Fear of not being the chosen one...whatever that means to you.

Fear of being alone. Fear of walking away. Fear of it saying something about you that you weren't "good" enough.

 

Again...all bullshi&&.

 

You sit, because its easier. Easier than working on yourself, and why you disrespected yourself and let another as well.

[tiernan]

You are right, all of you. And my reason accepts it all and understands it. There is no place for him in my life. But I cannot stop waiting for him to contact me. I feel that he is not trying. For the first time he is not even trying. He went NC completely. It means it is for real and it is over. I still haven't grasped it. And you are right it was fear - fear of not being the chosen one - at least now nothing worse can happen to me. Feeling very, very sad. Coping with despair of how future will look like without him and of my wasted years. Thank you for your words.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Once you understand what the fear is...you can work on that. You can work on fixing that fear, shore it up, repair that damage.

 

Once you do, you will realize how that/those fears kept you stuck in toxic relationships/situations.

 

On the other side, will be a better you, a you that understands you. A you that can soothe you when you need it. A you that does not look to others to validate you. A you that is proud of you. A you that loves you. A you that is enough.

[bentleychic]

 

If one was completely honest with themselves, they would never define those actions as love. Its just a pretty thing we tell ourselves...to seem...idk...more noble...more "good"...more understanding.

 

Its none of that. Its a lie.

 

What it is fear. Fear of not being the chosen one...whatever that means to you.

Fear of being alone. Fear of walking away. Fear of it saying something about you that you weren't "good" enough.

 

Again...all bullshi&&.

 

You sit, because its easier. Easier than working on yourself, and why you disrespected yourself and let another as well.

 

I do love him very much. You can call it bs all you want, but you couldn't be more wrong.

 

There's nothing easy about waiting. NOTHING.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Take your own feelings about him out of the equation.

 

You love what about him? What character traits does he have that make him a suitable mate?

 

Now, think about how you feel about yourself and the way you love. Is it, the way you love, that you love about him? Do you think it means that you are an awesome partner because you are soooo understanding? Does he feed that part of you that needs validating? Does the waiting make you think that you love him even more?

[bentleychic]

Take your own feelings about him out of the equation.

 

You love what about him? What character traits does he have that make him a suitable mate?

 

Now, think about how you feel about yourself and the way you love. Is it, the way you love, that you love about him? Do you think it means that you are an awesome partner because you are soooo understanding? Does he feed that part of you that needs validating? Does the waiting make you think that you love him even more?

You come off as very patronizing, but if that's what it takes to make you feel better about yourself, I hope it works for you. I understand that some people are actually trying to help OW, but you sound more like you're trying to make yourself feel better by making us feel bad and I'm just not going to acknowledge that after this post.

 

Best wishes with whatever journey you are traveling.

[dichotomy]

I have this picture of a tiny little sail boat in a childs pool. There are several woman sitting around the childs pool - blowing on the sails trying to get it where they want it - and the little sail boat is going here and there - choppy seas - the sailor lamenting it can't control its own course.

 

Sad little sailor man.

[AlwaysGrowing]

by making us feel bad

 

I can't make you feel anything...you do that yourself.

 

Some people just can't handle being the captain of their own ship. It's easier to point to another.

 

And if helping OW means treating them like fragile little flowers...absolutely correct..I am not the person to read.

 

Status quo it is!!!!!! Enjoy

[Speakingofwhich]

You are right, all of you. And my reason accepts it all and understands it. There is no place for him in my life. But I cannot stop waiting for him to contact me. I feel that he is not trying. For the first time he is not even trying. He went NC completely. It means it is for real and it is over. I still haven't grasped it. And you are right it was fear - fear of not being the chosen one - at least now nothing worse can happen to me. Feeling very, very sad. Coping with despair of how future will look like without him and of my wasted years. Thank you for your words.

 

I'm so sorry, Tiernan, I know this is really tough. I am sending you hugs and prayers. (((((Tiernan))))) I truly believe you have a very bright future ahead of you!

[2sure]

While you are maintaining no contact, and struggling to put your feelings in order...you should start thinking about some things from your original post. I'm mentioning them here as just something to think about, because it will be healthier for you.

 

This is about his decision or his lack of ability to make one. It is not about his wife manipulating him. His wife did not involve their nearly grown children, they were automatically involved. The BS is NOT making decisions for him, and certainly not for you.

 

Again, I'm not pointing this in defense if his wife, I'm pointing them out because that kind of thinking lets you justify and excuse his actions, when really right now you have to see him for who he has shown you he is.

 

I'm sorry this is happening in your life right now.

[SunsetRed]

You are right, all of you. And my reason accepts it all and understands it. There is no place for him in my life. But I cannot stop waiting for him to contact me. I feel that he is not trying. For the first time he is not even trying. He went NC completely. It means it is for real and it is over. I still haven't grasped it. And you are right it was fear - fear of not being the chosen one - at least now nothing worse can happen to me. Feeling very, very sad. Coping with despair of how future will look like without him and of my wasted years. Thank you for your words.

 

 

Tieran, I actually wanted to quote both your quotes as what you've said pulls at my heart because this is how it happened for me too and I can feel your pain.

 

The first quote, where you said xmm would say "duty comes before love." Mine said that ALL the time... I guess is made him feel noble for bailing on me. My xmm didn't care about his duties so much as it was just that he was a coward and couldn't stand up to his emotionally unbalanced wife. It was also fear of losing all the money he was going to lose in the divorce. My xmms kids are grown too, so what kind of duty did he have? They are both out of school, so its not like he had to go to their games or plays.

 

He was always worried about her feelings and her dignity, so that's why when we went out, we had to go I separate cars or I had to meet him. what about my dignity that I knew the man for nearly 4 years and never once sat in the passenger seat of his car while he drove us somewhere.

 

Your other fear, about not being the chosen one, hits w me too. I have some issues w being chosen that go deeper than MM. I know where it comes from, but don't know how to fix it, so at age 45, Ive just learned to recognize my issue and do the best I can w it.

 

I was the outcast child in my family. I was the oldest and my younger brother was a sick child. My parents put all the energy and love into him and actually spanked me and sent me to my room when I wanted attention. I was basically told to get out of the way. It did some damage, as I eventually developed an eating disorder and was nearly dead and still, even when Id become the sick child, I wasn't loved or chosen.

 

Finally some sort of survival skill set in and I realized that I couldn't let myself die just because a bunch of A-holes didn't love me.

 

I managed to live thru the eating disorder and have had much counseling as an adult to help me overcome this "Im not wanted or chosen" part of my self esteem.

 

I still deal w the "i'll never b chosen" issue, but Ive developed a wall around myself as well and sometimes have the attitude of "F U, I will chose myself and one day you'll be sorry"

 

And as for your xmm, don't worry that he will never contact you again. You'll hear from him for the rest of your life and for as long as you allow it.

He'll always come slithering back. Once he thinks you are w someone else, he'll really lay on the bs and promises.

 

Hopefully you will be strong enough to break the cycle and not take him or his promises back. He will bring you nothing but lies and you'll get older while he and his wife celebrate anniversaries, holidays and share a life together.

 

Peace and hugs to you

[Quiet Storm]

I do love him very much. You can call it bs all you want, but you couldn't be more wrong.

 

There's nothing easy about waiting. NOTHING.

 

 

I don't doubt that you love him.

 

I just think you should love yourself more.

 

You can love someone and not be in a relationship with them. Many OW have this mindset of "I love him, so I must be with him". And they are with him, at all costs. Loving someone doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your needs or tolerate inconsideration.

 

You can love people from afar. Distance will bring clarity, which may cause you to see things differently.

 

Can you be introspective and ask yourself, "What do I love about him, character wise?"

 

What traits do you value in a man?

 

I value honor, strength, empathy, integrity, courage, discipline, etc.

 

What do you value, and does he honestly have those traits?

 

It's may be beneficial to consider that you may not be in love with the true man- but in love with the feelings that he inspires in you.

[ladydesigner]

It's may be beneficial to consider that you may not be in love with the true man- but in love with the feelings that he inspires in you.

 

This was true in my case.

 

t/j Bentlychic just want to say I understand where your thinking is now. I am a fMOW and my xOM could not have been more of a poor match for me. When he was validating my feelings and building my self-esteem (ego boost, flattery, sex, romantic gestures) I thought that meant we had this 'great connection'. Now being 5 years out from my A I can truly say that I am happy it ended. Not only did I not *know* xOM, but I can't even say I loved HIM necessarily, it was more of how he made me feel. When the A ended I was surprised that I didn't miss him (as a person) I missed our talks (how he made me feel). Since the sex was bad I didn't miss that either but YMMV. Just a thought.

[bentleychic]

Yes, this man has all of the qualities that I would look for in a man and many that are good that are just bonuses. I actually took a break from the relationship months ago and made a very harsh and honest pros and cons list. Yes, he has flaws. So do I. If he wasn't married, I'd have married him already. Yes, being a MM is a huge con, obviously. I've heard him interact with his family (kids, parents, grandma) over speaker phone, I've seen him interact with strangers, customers, etc. He is truly a kind, considerate, giving, caring man who has a heart of gold. If I don't end up with him, I will look for all of the qualities that he has...except in a single man.

 

I know you cannot take the A out of it and say "Well, if he wasn't a cheater, he'd be a great guy...", but...well...yeah...

 

(I honestly hate sharing this stuff on here b/c I know it will just be picked apart and critiqued and what I feel will be downplayed, but I feel very rude not answering direct questions.)

[Daisy2013]

Take your own feelings about him out of the equation.

 

You love what about him? What character traits does he have that make him a suitable mate?

 

Now, think about how you feel about yourself and the way you love. Is it, the way you love, that you love about him? Do you think it means that you are an awesome partner because you are soooo understanding? Does he feed that part of you that needs validating? Does the waiting make you think that you love him even more?

 

This is actually something to think about, generally. Yes, we love them. But, when when I think back, all I did was stroke his ego. He was sooooo unhappy. He is narcissistic, selfish and untruthful. I experienced those things, and he played on my loneliness and deep need for love. But I loved him because he filled my empty place. Thinking back though, he did nothing for me but allow me to validate him. One month not seeing, 7 days NC, is already helping the truth reveal itself. I will always love him, but separating out the character part...there was nothing good there.

[ladydesigner]

Yes, this man has all of the qualities that I would look for in a man and many that are good that are just bonuses. I actually took a break from the relationship months ago and made a very harsh and honest pros and cons list. Yes, he has flaws. So do I. If he wasn't married, I'd have married him already. Yes, being a MM is a huge con, obviously. I've heard him interact with his family (kids, parents, grandma) over speaker phone, I've seen him interact with strangers, customers, etc. He is truly a kind, considerate, giving, caring man who has a heart of gold. If I don't end up with him, I will look for all of the qualities that he has...except in a single man.

 

I know you cannot take the A out of it and say "Well, if he wasn't a cheater, he'd be a great guy...", but...well...yeah...

 

(I honestly hate sharing this stuff on here b/c I know it will just be picked apart and critiqued and what I feel will be downplayed, but I feel very rude not answering direct questions.)

 

 

Well then I understand why this is so difficult for you if he posses all of those qualities. Just keep in mind that the bolded type of person would not cheat on his wife and keep it a secret I know it is hard for you to see it this way because you get all of his good side, his focus is on you and not his wife. That is where my thoughts differ. I do not see my WH as a good person anymore either, he has to work hard for that now. I would be really weary and keep your heart close to you.

 

Thank you for sharing I don't want your post picked apart either. I do understand.

[ladydesigner]

This is actually something to think about, generally. Yes, we love them. But, when when I think back, all I did was stroke his ego. He was sooooo unhappy. He is narcissistic, selfish and untruthful. I experienced those things, and he played on my loneliness and deep need for love. But I loved him because he filled my empty place. Thinking back though, he did nothing for me but allow me to validate him. One month not seeing, 7 days NC, is already helping the truth reveal itself. I will always love him, but separating out the character part...there was nothing good there.

 

The character part is usually what causes the WS to cheat.

[bentleychic]

(Thought I quoted, but this is to ladydesigner.)

 

I honestly wish I felt comfortable sharing our situation b/c it is truly different than any that I have heard here. Not that it makes it okay, mind you or make it any less wrong, but it is an odd situation. (I know everyone says that. I swear it's different in many ways from any I have heard from here, but I'm really not comfortable sharing their story out here for them to stumble upon, even if it's the tiniest of chances.)

 

I do not get all of his good side, at all. We are very real with each other, good and bad. As I've said, we're both kinda "like it or lump it" kind of people. We both have flaws and we definitely do not hold them back or hide them.

[Quiet Storm]

It's just hard for me to believe that a cheating man has good character.

 

Even if you ignore what he is doing to his wife...

 

A caring and compassionate man would not put his OW through the turmoil that an affair brings into the OW's life. He would not want her to feel marginalized. He would not want to put her through the pain of falling in love and not being able to have all of him. It would hurt his heart, and he wouldn't be able to live with himself.

 

I believe that a caring and compassionate man would let OW go, even if she agreed to an affair, because he would have her best interests at heart.

 

Asking OW to accept the limitations of an affair and to tolerate his marriage is selfish. If the OW wants more, if she wants to eventually marry him... an affair is unkind to her. If he knows OWs hopes and dreams, and continues a relationship knowing he can't give her that, he is not being considerate of her feelings.

 

She is the one that has to sacrifice and compromise her own needs, so that his needs are met. I don't think that's fair to OW.

 

Tieran, I'm sorry this happened. You will be OK. Just remember every contact sets you back because you will have to go through the withdrawal all over again. Hang in there.

Edited September 7, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[2sure]

This is pretty disgusting and offensive..... i should get you banned but thought i would show what a W you are instead.

 

Ive seen you mentioning having people banned before, but is this the way it is? You actually get people banned? I know we can all report an offensive post but how do I get someone banned?

[whichwayisup]

This is pretty disgusting and offensive..... i should get you banned but thought i would show what a W you are instead.

 

How is it totally offensive? Use of language? That poster isn't being mean to anybody and the post wasn't specific to a certain person either so not sure how it's possible to try to ban that poster because you were offended by her/his choice of words.