Girlfriend called it quits, 8 years deep

[Greyguitar]

Thanks hurts2death.

 

Yeah it's hard, now I know it's real, the imagery that refuses to leave my mind is even more vivid.

 

I think it'll make it easier to move on, though. I never want to see her again. That might prove tough given that I live a block away and have to drive past her house to get to mine, but if I can help it, I won't see her or speak to her.

[Bubberfly]

Oh man, really struggling. The last few days have been hell, yesterday and today particularly, being the weekend.

 

Firstly, to answer the proposal question, I did propose, and I screwed that up too. I did it far too early, like 9 months into our relationship. She said yes, and never went back on that, but I think we both felt it was never really "official" but over the past year or so we'd been talking about getting 're-engaged', planning our wedding for the 10 year anniversary.

 

I've been thinking a lot over the past couple days and it's really hit me so so hard just how useless of a boyfriend I'd become. I wish I could turn back time, I really do. I was so blind to it, I just never saw the problems properly. They're crystal clear now, I feel awful for just how much better I should have been.

 

More thoughts that have been upsetting me are; firstly, I can't help but feel like a huge part of her decision to part ways has been based on the past 9 months. In the past 9 months, I quit smoking after 14 years as a fairly heavy smoker and became a physical and emotional mess for a few weeks, I lost my Grandad in a short and somewhat unexpected battle with leukaemia, and we bought our first house. I have quite honestly been a wreck as a result, trying to maintain a brave face and she's been supportive, but I was not "me" during those 9 months at all.

 

If I really want to upset myself, I think about the time, just two months ago when she and I went to say goodbye to my Grandad at the hospice he was in, and after thanking him so much for the help with our house (he donated a substantial portion towards our deposit), he looked at us both and said "enjoy it". While holding his hand, she said, "we will". Straight after that had happened, on our way out, we shared a moment of closeness more powerful than anything for a long time prior. It was tough for us both.

 

I then stupidly found a playful video she'd made for me three years after we met, in it, she pulled smiley faces and wrote my name on her stomach. The lyrics to the soundtrack were "life is wonderful" and she titled the video "true love".

 

Both hurt a lot. Perhaps it seems obvious to avoid such pain, but it's tough.

 

Finally, I've been bothered by a recurring recollection of two moments we shared recently. The first, was the last time we made love, about three weeks ago. Now, at the risk of being perhaps a little too explicit for a public forum, our sex has historically been phenomenal. Every single time, without fail, we would both be left completely stunned, always commenting on just how magical it was. I mentioned that the frequency of sex slowed dramatically, but even that recent time, only a few weeks ago, we were left with the exact same feeling... complete awe, again commenting on the fact that no matter the frequency, or how long we had been together, it never faltered.

 

The second is a kiss we shared just a week or so ago. It was a passionate kiss that came out of nowhere, more passionate than it had been for a long long time, and afterwards, she was almost speechless, and gasped something along the lines of "That made me shiver".

 

It's that magic that I think we had that will never ever die. She says she doesn't love me, and that she has no feelings for me anymore, but I can't understand how things can still ignite such a powerful spark if everything is indeed dead.

 

I know I shouldn't torture myself with this, but I'm in such a dark place. I can barely eat, can't sleep. I'm still longing for her return, if for no other reason than so I can give her the love, affection and attention that she wants and deserves. Whilst I was unaware at the time, the realisation that she was probably done with this relationship long ago is hitting me hard now. I am beginning to see why "another chance" is such a high hope. But that only leaves me longing for a "new start" instead, a reset, so to speak. Perhaps that's an equally delusional fantasy.

 

Hi Grey,

I can't help but jump in here. From the sounds of what I'm seeing with how you described your relationship, it seems to me that there were problems far before the 9 month period. While I do understand stresses from your smoking cessation, your grandfathers passing, your buying a house, please don't beat yourself up over that. I'm sorry, but all of those things are HUGE stressors in a persons life, but if it was a stable relationship wouldn't and shouldn't affect you in the long run. I'd stick by my man for all those occasions, so... There's that.

 

What I am seeing here, aside from the phobias and everything else, was the fact that marriage was brought up early on in the relationship but never exactly addressed. I mean, sure you were talking about maybe getting married on your anniversary. Maybe. What I'm seeing is a relationship that lacked momentum. Now, I can understand a relationship for 8 years where marriage was just never brought up. But in this case, it was. What happened with all that time? Why do you think neither of you addressed it? I know I'd probably get mighty bored in a relationship that while in my 20s, NEVER really changed.

 

She may have been frustrated with your phobia. I wouldn't use the phobia itself as seeing why it might have bothered her, but your lack of bettering yourself. You're aware it's a problem. You're going through therapy for it. But you've admitted that you could have more aggressively tackled this. This also is a frustration, to see someone struggle, watching them "go through the motions" (not saying that's what you did, it's just an example) KNOWING they can get better, but eh, leaving it for later.

I don't care what the problem is. I commend a person who is aggressive in tackling their problems. Taking baby steps. If she was the right girl for you she'd stand by your side.

 

I think this is a perfect time for you to get your life sorted out. Work on your phobias.

Don't keep in contact with her. If she's willing to go so low as to shove her new relationship in your face, she's definitely not a person you'd want to keep around. I'm sorry for your situation. I hope it (and you get better) and see yourself smiling again.

(And hopefully eating/watching people eat in public).

[Greyguitar]

Yeah you're right.

 

If I'm brutally honest, there were considerable underlying issues with our relationship almost from the start.

 

When we met, I was 20, she was almost 19. A few months into our relationship she began to 'brag' about her past sex life, which was somewhat colorful to say the least. It turned out that it was her way of wanting to be open and honest with me, but she did it in a way that involved a lot of lies and deceit. As a result (and I regret this terribly) I became incredibly insecure, jealous and quite paranoid that she would one day cheat on me and find someone 'better'.

 

The problem was that both of us were head over heels infatuated with one another. Neither of us had had a 'proper' relationship before and it was clear that despite the naivety and jealousy, there was a genuine connection and a huge spark there.

 

However, those issues never really went away, rather became suppressed as we became more and more 'attached'. We never really went out socially individually, always together. We never spent evenings apart, we never took any time out. We were together almost 100% of the time, basically only being apart during work hours. In hindsight, it was a terribly unhealthy relationship, but as I said, for 90% of those 8 and a half years, we were both blinded by what certainly felt like love.

 

I guess things were never going to last forever, I suppose I just told myself they would. She did too, until a few months back when she obviously had enough.

 

It's not easy knowing it's over. And even though she was perhaps over me a long long time ago, knowing she's now in the arms of another is a sickening and deeply troubling feeling. But I guess all I can do is allow time to heal me and take care of myself.

 

And learn from my mistakes.

Edited October 3, 2013 by Greyguitar

[Bubberfly]

Yeah you're right.

 

If I'm brutally honest, there were considerable underlying issues with our relationship almost from the start.

 

When we met, I was 20, she was almost 19. A few months into our relationship she began to 'brag' about her past sex life, which was somewhat colorful to say the least. It turned out that it was her way of wanting to be open and honest with me, but she did it in a way that involved a lot of lies and deceit. As a result (and I regret this terribly) I became incredibly insecure, jealous and quite paranoid that she would one day cheat on me and find someone 'better'.

 

The problem was that both of us were head over heels infatuated with one another. Neither of us had had a 'proper' relationship before and it was clear that despite the naivety and jealousy, there was a genuine connection and a huge spark there.

 

However, those issues never really went away, rather became suppressed as we became more and more 'attached'. We never really went out socially individually, always together. We never spent evenings apart, we never took any time out. We were together almost 100% of the time, basically only being apart during work hours. In hindsight, it was a terribly unhealthy relationship, but as I said, for 90% of those 8 and a half years, we were both blinded by what certainly felt like love.

 

I guess things were never going to last forever, I suppose I just told myself they would. She did too, until a few months back when she obviously had enough.

 

It's not easy knowing it's over. And even though she was perhaps over me a long long time ago, knowing she's now in the arms of another is a sickening and deeply troubling feeling. But I guess all I can do is allow time to heal me and take care of myself.

 

And learn from my mistakes.

 

Good outlook. You seem like you have a good head on your shoulders. I know that it's tough now, I had this with my last relationship. Until I learned that it wasn't the person I missed, it was the company. You spend all your time with this person, now you're having to learn to spend time with yourself haha

Every time you find yourself missing her and wanting her back, remember the mantra, "why on earth would I want to be with someone who so easily pushed me away?"

 

Good luck Grey

[Greyguitar]

Thanks, Bubberfly.

 

Until I learned that it wasn't the person I missed, it was the company. You spend all your time with this person, now you're having to learn to spend time with yourself haha

 

I think this is exactly right. The more I think about it (which is something I try not to do), the more I realise that I was actually in a terribly unhealthy relationship for a very long time and as you say, it's the resultant hole in my life that's causing the heartache, not the person responsible for its existence.

 

Given the way she has behaved since she left, I've come to acknolwedge that, regardless of my moral opinions of what she has done, she is clearly not the type of woman I want anything to do with. I still lament the fact we couldn't have ended things amicably, but I suppose there's seldom a situation where that is actually a genuine outcome.

 

Anyway, I'm beginning to enjoy the somewhat liberating (although slightly daunting) feeling of being single again and looking forward to spending some time indulging in my own wellbeing.

[30andsad]

Hey Greyguitar,

 

Sounds like our situations are pretty similar in a lot of ways. I know what you are going through, or at least were before the realization of the other guy. I hope that doesn't become the case for my situation, but you never know really. Seems like no matter how much we think we know someone, they can surprise us.

 

I'll be able to float the house we own together, but the memories are so incredibly hard to deal with daily and the broken dreams that the home was supposed to be a holder of (family, kids, 20 years of life there or more...). It really sucks, and I'm a few weeks behind on the recovery process, just wanted to check in and see how you are doing now?

 

It's been about a month since she left the house, but only a week since calling it officially over. She also reiterated yesterday after a week of NC (she dropped by the house to pick up some things) that this was definitely what she wanted.

 

I hope you're doing better here a few weeks on, and hope I can get some hope for the weeks I have ahead. This is hell right now..

[Greyguitar]

Hey,

 

Thanks for the reply, I'm glad you did, because it reminded me to update this.

 

Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. These kinds of situations are never easy for anybody but nothing hurts as much as the one we go through ourselves.

 

All I can say, is exactly the same thing that many many people said to me in the beginning: It gets better. At the time, I didn't believe it. I felt worse than I had ever felt in 28 years of life, there were days that I couldn't even imagine feeling anything other than deep rooted emotional pain, sleeplessness and depression. It didn't matter how often I heard people say 'time will heal', I didn't believe it.

 

Let me say something, after almost two months since my ex ended our relationship. It gets better. I'm going to say something which sounds exaggerated and just plain unbelievable, especially when I compare it to my original post just a few weeks ago.

 

I now feel better than I have done in YEARS. Not just since the break up, in years. I feel true happiness, I feel freedom, I feel love from people I'd barely thought twice about. I've met new people, I've made new friends, I've seen the true extent of my friendships and it all feels amazing. If my ex sat down in front of me tomorrow and said 'let's give it another shot', I'd smile, I'd thank her for the memories and politely decline. Now compare that to my original post.

 

Here's the weirdest part... we're still talking. After the storm clouds cleared, after I spent some time with other people (in innocent, platonic ways), I realised that her sleeping with another guy was actually the turning point. It no longer bothered me, I wasn't angry, I wasn't upset, I had simply moved on. I can now happily talk to my ex as if we are friends. I don't know how she feels for sure but for me, there's no attraction, there's no love, there's no desire to be with her. I don't think we actually will be friends, because neither of us really have any interest in 'hanging out', but we will retain a mutual respect for sure.

 

Now, I think that is largely down to the fact that the breakup has made me realise that our relationship had become almost non existent a long long time ago. We were together out of comfort and complacency, not love and attraction. We had fun together sure, but neither of us were really happy. The thing is, I couldn't see that. Perhaps because I didn't want to, because the 'easier' thing was to just stay together, which is what we did. I spoke to someone I hadn't spoke to in about 3 years the other week and when I told them, they said "it doesn't surprise me, you guys didn't seem happy the last time I saw you". That was another wake up call.

 

But now I'm almost two months out, I am so so glad it ended. All I need to do is think about where I'd be if we were still together, and compare that to how I feel now. I wouldn't have met some of the people I've met. I wouldn't have done some of the things I've done. I wouldn't be taking such good care of myself, I wouldn't be noticing the beauty in life that I do now. Today, for example, I went into town, I parked the car a little further out just so I could take a walk through neighbourhoods I hadn't been through in years. I'm almost 30, but I feel like I'm beginning a new life. I suppose that's because in a way, I am

 

And you know what? It's so exciting.

 

I can only speak from my own experiences, so I don't really know how I would've coped it she hadn't found someone else so soon. It was the hardest thing I'd ever faced when I heard her say she had slept with him. But at that point, I knew it was over, and within hours I felt better. With that said, I think recovery begins as soon as you can genuinely acknowledge that the relationship is over.

 

The thing is, I know people who are still suffering a year or more after their partner left. So although time is certainly a healer, it needs some help. I don't want to offer direct advice because I feel like every relationship is different, but if signs point to the relationship being over for good, then the sooner you can genuinely accept that (and I mean really accept it, deep down), the sooner you will begin to feel better.

 

It may not feel like there's life outside of the relationship. Like you could never have eyes for another. But take it from me, as soon as you start looking forwards, and not backwards, everything becomes crystal clear and the future starts to look a lot brighter than the past.

 

Thanks again to all who offered advice and support during my tough times.

Edited October 24, 2013 by Greyguitar

[30andsad]

Thanks, Greyguitar. That's very promising to hear. The acceptance that she is gone for good is the hardest thing I am warming up to. Her stuff is still at the house though, so there are a lot of reminders. I think she is coming to pick up everything in the next week or so. As much as that will hurt, I'm sure it will help ground the fact in my mind that she is indeed gone and will be for any foreseeable future.

 

I wish I could stop running things over in my head and beating myself up over the could of, would of, should ofs, but I suppose things happen for a reason and sometimes you won't see it was for the best until some time later.

 

Thanks, again for your positive insights!