Girlfriend called it quits, 8 years deep

[Greyguitar]

Hey everyone, another break up story. Apologies if I get rambly, I tend to type a lot.

 

Yesterday my girlfriend of eight years called it a day on our relationship. I won't mention our ages but we're both close to 30.

 

Her reasoning is that she just doesn't feel the same way about me any more and doesn't think she sees a future for us. At the risk of stating the obvious, I feel the complete opposite, convinced she's still my soul mate.

 

Here's where things break down. I suffer badly from OCD. I've had emetophobia (fear of vomiting, to save you a trip to Google) for about 15 years now. It's gotten to the point where I basically can't go out to any event where food/drink is involved and am only comfortable eating in my own home where I can "get my clean on".

 

Other social activities are fine, shopping, movies, whatever, and I love actually going out, just meals/drinks are a no-no. I don't want to derail the thread but I'm seeing a therapist, and have seen many over the years. Nothing has worked up until now. I'm pretty sure I've found a cure though; break ups.

 

The problem is that she has, in literally 48 hours gone from being visibly full of love, even during the tough times, to seemingly stone cold. It's hard to describe, but when she sat opposite me and said "I just don't want to be with you anymore", I didn't detect a single emotion. No sadness, no regret, no hint of a former love. Quite frankly, it stunned me to the core.

 

I walked out, planning to give her some time and come back and try to patch things up, but when I got home she'd taken all her stuff and moved back into her parents house.

 

I've spent the last 24 hours or so feeling like my stomach is in a knot, distraught that I've just let things get too bad. Ironically, I'm suddenly empowered to drop every last bit of this fear and phobia and revert to the same guy she fell in love with all those years ago.

 

I asked for a week, just to show her that I was willing to do ANYTHING. She refused, flatly, with the same emptiness. I've only been able to contact her via text as she will not answer my calls, and further texts resulted in her threatening to change her number. So now I'm just going to leave it.

 

It's so hard though. I almost feel like I'd have preferred a two hour talk over tears before things ended. Seeing her just stare at me with soulless eyes and say "it's over" was devastating.

 

Needless to say, I can't even begin to comprehend a life without her. Everywhere I turn there's a reminder. The empty wardrobe in the bedroom. HEr smell on the sheets. A dressmaking pin on the carpet from where she'd been cutting fabric.

 

 

I just wish she'd give me one chance to prove that I will change. If, after that, she still wants nothing more to do with me, then I will honor that. Obviously I should never have let it get to this, but it has and I cannot go back.

 

Also, to make things even more interesting we share a mortgage and a car payment. Financially it's not really a concern, but obviously it means that it cannot just end like this with no further contact.

 

All I know is that it feels horrible. It sounds so terribly cliché but I feel like someone has literally torn my heart out. I'd never felt the same way about anybody, and I'm sure that she hadn't either.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts or advice? I'm really struggling right now. I have family and a fantastic Brother who are supportive, but my girlfriend and I dedicated ourselves to each other and I haven't really got any friends, not close ones anyway. As a freelancer, no colleagues either.

Edited September 5, 2013 by Greyguitar

[Balzac]

Had you ever sought therapy for your problems? She didn't make her decision in 48 hours.

[Greyguitar]

Had you ever sought therapy for your problems? She didn't make her decision in 48 hours.

 

Yeah, I saw a couple of therapists over the years. Two general psych therapists and a Doctor of Psychology.

 

All ran me through a by-the-book process of CBT which didn't appear to help. It smoothed over the cracks some, but ultimately failed. I know the only way through is a hardline, no nonsense approach, but I neglected to do it, and now it's too late.

 

I've offered to show her that I mean business, I've said let's patch things up over a meal out (our first in years), or over a coffee somewhere. It's no good.

 

I know that her decision has been formulating over a much longer period, I just wish I hadn't left it until it was too late.

[unexpectedlyhere]

I feel this story relates a bit to mine, I don't have OCD but I had let my self-esteem issues and low moods take over my life, although not totally: I would still go out and "function". Ex boyfriend walked out after nearly 6.5 years together, of which 5 cohabiting. We are of a similar age.

 

If it helps, you can check my diary (in my signature). In fact, at the moment I could probably do with some replies showing support as I'm going through another low patch!

 

I know it feels horrible. Focus on coming through. Stack day over day for the first few weeks.

 

I know what it means to be wishing for a second chance. I did have only one conversation with the ex post breakup when I tried to ask him whether he'd considered all options including us living us apart for a while. He said his decision was final. He cried, said I was amazing, said it was hard to stay with the friends he stayed with because of the happy memories of our first few years (I used to live in that neighbourhood before we moved in together)... but he still doesn't want to be with me. (Of course he tried the "I hope one day we can be friends" which I cut short saying I didn't want to talk about it at that moment - at breakup time I'd already told him to forget being friends)

 

We wish for a second chance because we think we didn't get one. Sadly, we did. It's just that they didn't tell us they were giving us one.

 

Chin up. I always do feel extra strongly for people on here with long term relationships that have been dumped by someone with relatively low drama (no cheating, no horridness), because it's how it happened to me. So, I'll be looking out for you especially on here

 

Good luck!

[Balzac]

I can understand your regret. Now might be the time to seek out a therapist who has experience in successfully treating phobias. Showing her you're in the process of changing is potentially more effective than a premature dinner out.

She's got her own issues if she stayed for 8 years.

 

You're at a moment of opportunity where the logical consequence of choosing maladaptive behaviors has come to reality. Take advantage of your motivation.

[Greyguitar]

Thanks, Unexpectedlyhere, Balzac.

 

Balzac, when you say "she's got her own issues", what do you mean?

 

I guess it's too early days to even try to accept that things will be ok.

 

One thing I'm really struggling with, and I feel horrible for feeling like this, is imagining her finding someone else. Someone who could fulfil her like I failed to over the past couple years. Someone able to experience those same looks she gave me.

 

We were both faithful to each other from the start, never had eyes for another person, but when this happens, and it's all my fault, I cant help but imagine some guy giving her all the things I used to be able to give her.

Edited September 5, 2013 by Greyguitar

[Balzac]

What I'm telling you is that a psychologically normal woman would not stay in a relationship stifled from normal social interaction. Much of normal social gathering is inclusive of food and drink.

 

You haven't shared here how much ongoing discussion occurred about your phobias and her ability to happily endure. Regular dudes cannot usually afford to lease out the entire restaurant, bar, charter a private cruise. Even then, limits of enjoying social interaction. Is problematic.

 

The rest of your feelings seem normal for a man who is living with a broken heart. I'm sorry for your reality.

 

How did she endure for those many years?

[unexpectedlyhere]

People endure lots of things when they're in love. When they're not in love anymore they stopped enduring them. I don't think she has issues because of that.

[orangegirl]

Why didn't you propose? I've been in a 6 yr relationship and a 5 yr relationship. NO ONE proposed.

[Greyguitar]

Oh man, really struggling. The last few days have been hell, yesterday and today particularly, being the weekend.

 

Firstly, to answer the proposal question, I did propose, and I screwed that up too. I did it far too early, like 9 months into our relationship. She said yes, and never went back on that, but I think we both felt it was never really "official" but over the past year or so we'd been talking about getting 're-engaged', planning our wedding for the 10 year anniversary.

 

I've been thinking a lot over the past couple days and it's really hit me so so hard just how useless of a boyfriend I'd become. I wish I could turn back time, I really do. I was so blind to it, I just never saw the problems properly. They're crystal clear now, I feel awful for just how much better I should have been.

 

More thoughts that have been upsetting me are; firstly, I can't help but feel like a huge part of her decision to part ways has been based on the past 9 months. In the past 9 months, I quit smoking after 14 years as a fairly heavy smoker and became a physical and emotional mess for a few weeks, I lost my Grandad in a short and somewhat unexpected battle with leukaemia, and we bought our first house. I have quite honestly been a wreck as a result, trying to maintain a brave face and she's been supportive, but I was not "me" during those 9 months at all.

 

If I really want to upset myself, I think about the time, just two months ago when she and I went to say goodbye to my Grandad at the hospice he was in, and after thanking him so much for the help with our house (he donated a substantial portion towards our deposit), he looked at us both and said "enjoy it". While holding his hand, she said, "we will". Straight after that had happened, on our way out, we shared a moment of closeness more powerful than anything for a long time prior. It was tough for us both.

 

I then stupidly found a playful video she'd made for me three years after we met, in it, she pulled smiley faces and wrote my name on her stomach. The lyrics to the soundtrack were "life is wonderful" and she titled the video "true love".

 

Both hurt a lot. Perhaps it seems obvious to avoid such pain, but it's tough.

 

Finally, I've been bothered by a recurring recollection of two moments we shared recently. The first, was the last time we made love, about three weeks ago. Now, at the risk of being perhaps a little too explicit for a public forum, our sex has historically been phenomenal. Every single time, without fail, we would both be left completely stunned, always commenting on just how magical it was. I mentioned that the frequency of sex slowed dramatically, but even that recent time, only a few weeks ago, we were left with the exact same feeling... complete awe, again commenting on the fact that no matter the frequency, or how long we had been together, it never faltered.

 

The second is a kiss we shared just a week or so ago. It was a passionate kiss that came out of nowhere, more passionate than it had been for a long long time, and afterwards, she was almost speechless, and gasped something along the lines of "That made me shiver".

 

It's that magic that I think we had that will never ever die. She says she doesn't love me, and that she has no feelings for me anymore, but I can't understand how things can still ignite such a powerful spark if everything is indeed dead.

 

I know I shouldn't torture myself with this, but I'm in such a dark place. I can barely eat, can't sleep. I'm still longing for her return, if for no other reason than so I can give her the love, affection and attention that she wants and deserves. Whilst I was unaware at the time, the realisation that she was probably done with this relationship long ago is hitting me hard now. I am beginning to see why "another chance" is such a high hope. But that only leaves me longing for a "new start" instead, a reset, so to speak. Perhaps that's an equally delusional fantasy.

Edited September 8, 2013 by Greyguitar

[Greyguitar]

Kinda feels like I'm talking to myself here, but it's cathartic to get it out.

 

Still struggling. She came to our house (which, legally, it is, even if she doesn't want to be in it) today to talk about how we should proceed with the house situation. She said she'd let me know when she was ready to talk. After leaving her alone for three days she got in touch and arranged to come round this morning. It was so brutally difficult sitting opposite someone whom you still love with every inch of your heart, but retorts so indifferently, seemingly drained of all former emotion.

 

Somehow, I maintained a level head. I was completely expecting to break down. She was making it very apparent (by verbally exclaiming) that we're through, and that she wants to rebuild her life without me. I understand completely, it's just killing me that I let it get to a stage where she even feels the need to rebuild her life. For 8 years I thought we were invincible, how could I be so ****ing blind. I love her. Why did I not show her that.

 

The perspective has changed me dramatically. Fears that once controlled me just weeks ago have all but disappeared. I've done things in the last week that I hadn't done for years. Suddenly phobia seems so utterly trivial when compared to losing the one you love. It means nothing to me, though. It wasn't even hard. I faced fears that had paralysed me for a long time without so much as a flinch. It means nothing to me now that she's gone. I made us both coffee when she came round this morning, I hadn't even drank coffee in two years. It felt good, briefly.

 

As for the house, who knows what's going to happen. I respect her so much for being totally reasonable about it. She's honouring her payments even though she isn't living in the house. She doesn't just want to sell up and kick me out unless that is a last resort. Unfortunately, though, there's just no way in the world I can afford to take on the financial responsibility single handedly.

 

Selling up so soon after we purchased (~2 months) is going to result in a colossal monetary loss for both of us, and leave us with a mere fraction of the sum we invested initially.

 

I just miss her. So so much. I'm living in a house we chose together. Decorated and furnished together. But never got to enjoy together. I wake up and wish she was next to me. I sit alone at our dinner table wishing she sat opposite. I went downtown today for the first time since we broke up and just being there without her was an incredibly unsettling experience. The reality that she's gone keeps dawning on me over and over. I hate myself for not showing her the love that she deserved, for not giving her the attention. I'd do anything for the opportunity to start over.

 

I apologize for just how terribly emotional I probably sound. I am just trying to convey how terribly emotional I feel.

 

Can someone offer some words of advice and support, please? I'm not coping particularly well.

Edited September 15, 2013 by Greyguitar

[brokenfree]

Hey amigo.

 

Firstly you should know that I've created an account on Loveshack just to respond to your post above. I hope my words help you in some way or another!

 

I myself was in your position about this time last year - head over heels for a girl who was on her way out the door and I never saw it coming. I had known her for about 7 years and we dated for the latter 2. A lot has happened to me since our break up last year so this is all coming from experience.

 

The next months will be a massive roller coaster for you. You'll think you're out of the woods and then you'll get sucker punched out of nowhere and you're back in there again. You'll feel good again for a while, and then you'll come crashing back down. This is how things will be so do what you can do to come to terms with that. Don't judge the feeling, don't tell yourself "you should be over this already", just accept the emotions as they come and don't beat yourself up.

 

The good news is that over time, the lows aren't as painful and the highs will increase in frequency and they'll feel better.

 

Having said that, nothing will heal your pain right now, except time. There are no quick fixes, trust me I've tried them all.

 

Now here's the great thing about this, and when I say great I do really mean that. Over the next, let's say 6 months, you will undergo such a massive transformation that you won't recognise yourself by the end of it. You've already said these phobias have close to disappeared. So much more good will come from this experience that you will genuinely be grateful for this.

 

Your focus now should be on you. I would strongly recommend something like a gym membership at the very least as a way to channel your emotion. I picked up weightlifting a few years ago and it has helped me through some very dark times.

 

I also saw a therapist to deal with some issues that were highlighted as a result of my breakup, if you can afford this I would certainly recommend it. It helped me no end.

 

Anyway I'm not great at articulating my thoughts so this may all come across as a bit disjointed but I just wanted to say, you WILL get through this and you WILL be a better, stronger, more confident person as a result.

 

Chin up man, you'll get through this.

[Greyguitar]

Thanks, Brokenfree.

 

I guess I must allow time to take its course, then.

 

It's the reminders that hurt the most. They seem to manifest from so many angles. I'll see something, or hear something that will send me crashing back to the reality that she's gone.

 

My thoughts are at it too; earlier today, for no apparent reason, I thought about the eight Christmas's we spent together, and how we used to excitedly pick out a tree, and decorate it together, and I'd melt at the magic I saw in her eyes as we did so. A magic I'll never see again.

[eachcomingnight]

Hey, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I don't have any specific advice for you but thought you might connect with this awesome spoken-word poem that I watched a while back.

 

Best of luck.

[Greyguitar]

Hmm it's a little dramatic, borderline offensive, but I see what he's trying to say.

 

For me, though, my OCD/phobia literally didn't even manifest until four or five years into the relationship, when it vanished at the beginning of our time together, it literally vanished, not morphed into obsessive behaviours toward my girlfriend, as the poet in the linked video suggests.

 

Also, for me it's never really been typical OCD, more mysophobia/emetophobia. I've never had 'tics' as such, certainly nothing relating to order or repetition, rather excessive and irrational behaviour towards hygiene and (perceived) cleanliness. Perhaps OCD is the wrong terminology, I don't do things obsessively through involuntary compulsion, I do them with an irrational cognitive motivation.

 

But yeah, by year 6 it was taking hold, and by year 8, well, I'd say he's right on the money.

Edited September 15, 2013 by Greyguitar

[PinkEagles]

I also made an account on here just to post on this thread. Two weeks ago my boyfriend of three years called it quits. Only four months ago we moved into a large suburban house with the intention of eventually starting a family. The house is in my name, I'm well off financially and can afford the payments, however now I'm living alone in this giant house! I don't know what to do with it as it's mostly a big reminder of rejection and failure. Aside from that, I also wanted to say that today after I read this thread was the first time I've felt OK since it happened. I can't imagine what you're going through, 8 years must have felt like a lifetime. I can only agree with the above poster who said that there will be huge changes (hopefully improvements) in myself. I'm doing my best to just let them come. Hang in there! You aren't alone.

[Greyguitar]

Thank you, PinkEagles.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, it's horrible, isn't it?

 

I'm totally with you on the house loneliness thing, it just feels impossible to enjoy it. I can't stand being there, even though it's beautiful.

[PinkEagles]

Have you tried just getting rid of all of her things? Maybe a little cleansing trip to the dump? It might help with all the rough memories. Also, you should be extremely proud of yourself that you've gotten past your phobias. Really, it kind of shows that you're getting better already. Any thoughts on what you'll end up doing with the house?

[heartshaped]

Stop blaming yourself.

 

As much as it may feel like it, it's not your fault. It's not your fault. Repeat that until you believe it. Unfortunately, somewhere along the way she fell out of love with you, but instead of telling you or trying to work on your issues she kept mum until she decided she was comfortable enough to leave.

 

It's sad and heartbreaking and a million other things but not your fault.

 

I wish you happiness in the future. You should take this time to work on yourself and do the things you enjoy.

[Greyguitar]

Thank you, both, I appreciate the encouragement.

 

Pinkeagles - we haven't decided on the outcome of the house yet. It's in both our names and we've invested evenly in it.

 

She came over to talk about it today (the first time I'd seen her in about ten days) but as I mentioned previously, we didn't get anywhere with deciding what to do. She's said she's going to go think about it for a week or so and come back with any ideas she has. Despite being quite clear she no longer wants anything to do with me, and that she most certainly wants out of the house, she doesn't appear to be inclined to pursue a swift exit. Neither of us can afford solicitors anyway and we'd rather just sort things out without it getting messy.

 

I'm just incredibly thankful that she has acknowledged it is her decision to leave and continue paying until the situation is resolved and she is no longer tied in to the property.

 

Unfortunately, it looks like the only outcome is to sell up and take a massive loss. Whilst it's not at the forefront of my thoughts at this point, the financial hit is likely to be substantial. Probably to the tune of a $20,000 loss in early repayment mortgage penalties, legal fees, estate agent fees, furniture we had bought for the house (which could go into storage I suppose) and that's assuming we can sell for the same price as we paid, which may or may not be the case.

 

It'll set us both back a long way off buying another home, a shame, especially given that we were both first-time buyers prior to this.

 

There's no way I can afford the payments alone, I wish I could, but I'd need to almost double my salary which just isn't going to happen. The house isn't really big enough for a lodger (second bedroom is more of a utility room than a bedroom). So, unless I find a housemate willing to share a bed with me, I think that option is out of the question!

 

I'd then probably have to move back to my parents house. Which, at 28 isn't the most appealing prospect. I guess I could rent somewhere but after buying a place, going back to renting doesn't exactly fill me with joy, especially given that rental rates where I live are astronomic.

 

Still, she wants out, and as I said, I'm just thankful she is happy to seek out a solution that minimizes the damage to both of us.

Edited September 15, 2013 by Greyguitar

[Greyguitar]

Checking back in after a few weeks.

 

Up until last week, I'd been in hell, couldn't stop contacting her, accusing her of moving on too quick, still pleading with her to come back. Needless to say I was in a dark place and clearly just pushing her further and further away.

 

I began to come to my senses last week and thought "hey, I need to start being resaonable about this, she left me because she no longer loves me, no reason for any hate on either side".

 

So, I stopped being a d**k and apologised, then let things just go how they needed to go. She got in touch a couple days ago and came round for an hour or so last night to talk about stuff, mainly the house we need to sell.

 

It was amazing. We talked, had a little laugh, made the same jokes we used to. I got a very pronounced sense of her not really being into me at all anymore, she avoided eye contact a lot, and occasionally seemed almost preoccupied and that was a very surreal experience, given that only a few weeks prior she'd sat in the same spot looking at me with loved-up, puppy dog eyes. But, the important part is that we communicated like adults, and I think the satisfaction from being able to do so was mutual.

 

She then texted me later on and said "You know, for the first time in weeks, a friendship actually seems like a possibility", which made me feel so so good.

 

I still miss her like crazy, and desperately regret that we're no longer together, but as people have rightly said, time is the best healer and I'm beginning to enjoy more frequent moments of clarity.

 

If friends is all we can be from now on, then that's fine by me.

Edited October 1, 2013 by Greyguitar

[smoky eyes]

How about renting the house to a couple or family who can afford it, and then renting yourself a room in a shared place somewhere? It may not fill you with enthusiasm, but you would meet some new people, which might be good in your situation...

 

Reading your posts is like reading letters from my ex, and made me feel bad... she probably does care on some level but yeah, you're unlikely to get her back...

[Greyguitar]

We're not allowed, unfortunately, the mortgage company won't let us apply for permission to let until February next year.

 

She has agreed to pay half of any cost she's contractually obliged to, like mortgage/insurance, and I'll cover the other half and everything else like bills etc.

 

Then, if I'm not in a position to take on the house in my own name in February, we will most likely sell it, hopefully minimizing potential losses if the market continues to improve.

[Greyguitar]

Well... through the joys of Facebook I found out tonight that she is with someone else. Met him about 10 days after she left me, took great pleasure in telling me how awesome he and how they're sleeping together.

 

Apparently she was planning her exit almost a year ago, so apparently "it's ok that she's met someone so soon".

 

To think that just days ago she was sat opposite me smiling, telling me how great it is that we could be friends.

 

Perhaps not.

 

Wow this hurts. More than anything I have ever felt.

[hurts2death]

oh s hit that must be tough...

 

hang in there bro...

 

stay strong..

 

work out or anything and above all

 

love you