Jump to content

For betrayed spouses/partners - Do you really want to know?

SolG

By SolG
in General Relationship Discussion

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

janedoe67 Established Member

janedoe67

Posted
Posted
At this point I get a BS deserves to know the truth. But from the OW? :-/

 

Seriously, how would you receive me if I rocked up for coffee and... Oh by the way...

 

I'm actually not trying to be funny here. Is that a plausible way to find out about an A? Would I live through that encounter?

 

 

Having coffee? Uh...I would think telling a BS something like that in a public place would be very cruel. But a phone call, maybe a letter or email with some documented proof so the WS couldn't weasel out of it?

 

I have more than a few friends who are BS's (I am a WW in the process of earning an f). No matter how horribly some OW especially like to portray the people who are the VICTIMS of theirs and the WS's playing around...NONE of the BS's I know have three heads, spit pea soup, or are carrying a bat around in case they bump into the AP. Most of them just want ot know the truth of their life, and most of them are just shattered that the person who pledged faithfulness to them went off with a stranger and threw that pledge away. And yes, justifiably, they are pretty upset with the person who knowingly boinked their spouse.

 

The BS's are NOT the villians here.

Betterthanthis13 Established Member

Betterthanthis13

Posted
Posted
@Spotme can you please tell me what impact you would like it to have?

 

I'll answer also. I'd like it if an AP had an "a-ha!" moment on LS regarding this topic that encouraged them to take action and make changes to their situation for the better of themselves, and all parties involved in the A.

 

Lord knows I've had plenty of "a-ha!" moments on here trying to understand WS and AP's point of view, and have empathy for what they are experiencing. It helped me mobilize and take action to get out of a toxic situation.

Betterthanthis13 Established Member

Betterthanthis13

Posted
Posted
At this point I get a BS deserves to know the truth. But from the OW? :-/

 

Seriously, how would you receive me if I rocked up for coffee and... Oh by the way...

 

I'm actually not trying to be funny here. Is that a plausible way to find out about an A? Would I live through that encounter?

 

There is no pleasant way to discover this information. Ideally, WS should tell.

 

There are definitely ways to minimize the potential drama, but there is no guarantee that whoever tells or however you tell, the BS will not flip out.

  • Author
SolG Established Member

SolG

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Oh I fear there is nothing I will say that won't be misunderstood. I absolutely don't think my MM's spouse is Linda Blair in the Exorcist. On the contrary I believe she is far more balanced than me.However, I am afraid of taking such a path. Surely you can understand this.

 

From what you've told me the WS is the best deliverer of truth. This is the path I can pursue through influence. However I don't really hold much hope.

Owl Established Member

Owl

Posted
Posted (edited)

Those of us who have been on that BS/receiving end are all clearly spelling out...from our own personal experience...that it DOES INDEED MATTER.

 

Almost unanimously people have indicated that they'd prefer to know over not knowing. The only proponents for not telling have pretty much always been the ones participating in the betrayal, not the ones being betrayed.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 4
Spotme Established Member

Spotme

Posted
Posted
@Spotme can you please tell me what impact you would like it to have?

 

I think the answers you got while I was having lunch were great. To add to what has been said, if I may use an analogy: I imagine being told that every time I eat some food I really love - vanilla fudge in my case, someone kicks a puppy. Same puppy every time. I sure as hell hope I could give up the damn fudge. Obviously a super simplified analogy but the point is, I'd hope that really hearing us would encourage you to act in the best interest of that woman sitting out there somewhere right now not knowing that other people, one of whom she is supposed to be able to trust above all others, are making her life decisions for her and they are not making those decisions for her out if love and concern, but rather based on their own wants and needs.

 

Having said all that, I do see that you are struggling with this whole dynamic and that at least some portion of that struggle relates to what the BS is going through/will be going through. I know you are not heartless. It does not sound like it is the best situation for you either and I hope you work your way out of it.

 

I also am not so naive as to believe that telling the BS would be easy for you. It would seem like a terrifying thing to witness someone's reaction to that kind of betrayal and to fear retribution. Nobody wants to do the hard things, myself included. Things seem much easier, at least at first, if you avoid conflict. I would probably do it in a phone call with an offer to follow up with emailed proof and just expect he worst possible reaction, which might or might not materialize. And then the really big thing is to realize if is not about you from that point in and don't obsess or take things personally.

  • Author
SolG Established Member

SolG

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Hi @Betterthanthis :-) I've just had my a ha moment. Thank you for making me think.

 

It's this. I think it's a truth not often told. As an OW, I'd trade my bottom dollar NOT to know what I'm doing. I'd LOVE to be oblivious to the fact that the man I love actually has another woman in his life that he loves and adores.

 

We envy you BS your ignorance. We abhor ourselves for our weakness.

 

At the root of it all we KNOW you are better than us. While I am reticent to speak for all OW... I suggest there is a grain of truth here.

 

At the root of it all is insecurity. I can't tell BS because she might be mad at me is crap. The truth is that I can't tell BS because she'll win is probably more near the truth. I am afraid of her. She is more powerful than me.

 

To the BSs out there... This is something you would do well to remember. You are powerful and OW are weak.

 

OW pretend at bravado because they have nothing else. We are empty.

 

To the BS out there... You truly are the ones with the power because it is legitimately yours. No matter how much we want to delude ourselves that is the truth.

 

I think I set out seeking one truth here.... And found another.

Edited by SolG
freestyle Established Member

freestyle

Posted
Posted
Yes. The confusion and the things that don't add up, the sense that "something's wrong" but not able to articulate it, the unwillingness to accuse a potentially innocent partner despite constant suspicions, the hurt and fear and uncertainty now embedded in every interaction with this person you've entrusted with your closest self...those are incredibly damaging things.

 

Tell.

 

OP, ask yourself: Would you want to know? Why assume she's any different?

 

 

This ^^^^

 

I remember making this point in the past.

One of my worst personal experiences was the beating myself up, thinking that :

 

I 'must be' too:

 

paranoid

insecure

jealous

damaged from past experiences

 

 

I began to doubt my own gut, my own radar & instincts.

Second-guessing one's self is a hell that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

 

And all the while , the red flags kept piling up, and up , and up....

Just to add to the quagmire.

 

I went through all of that, because the TRUTH was withheld from me, for too long.

 

 

 

Not really. Imagination runs wild and unconfirmed suspicions are torturous. There is a certain feeling of freedom in knowing the truth and dealing with reality.

 

Absolutely.

I was actually relieved when the truth came out, because it meant I wasn't crazy after all. That was my knee-jerk reaction.

 

(then the anger & shock hit)

 

 

Providing the truth to someone who has been gaslighted can be invaluable.

Jenn.Smith Member

Jenn.Smith

Posted
Posted

I am a BS who had to dig to find the truth. I can say at times I thought about not looking because ignorance is bliss, right? But I knew something was up and needed to know the truth.

 

The only BSs I can see not wanting the truth are the ones who already know but are looking the other way.

 

I understand how hard this is. I wish OW would have told me. I don't care how but H never was going to.

Zenstudent Established Member

Zenstudent

Posted
Posted
Hi @Betterthanthis :-) I've just had my a ha moment. Thank you for making me think.

 

It's this. I think it's a truth not often told. As an OW, I'd trade my bottom dollar NOT to know what I'm doing. I'd LOVE to be oblivious to the fact that the man I love actually has another woman in his life that he loves and adores.

 

We envy you BS your ignorance. We abhor ourselves for our weakness.

 

At the root of it all we KNOW you are better than us. While I am reticent to speak for all OW... I suggest there is a grain of truth here.

 

At the root of it all is insecurity. I can't tell BS because she might be mad at me is crap. The truth is that I can't tell BS because she'll win is probably more near the truth. I am afraid of her. She is more powerful than me.

 

To the BSs out there... This is something you would do well to remember. You are powerful and OW are weak.

 

OW pretend at bravado because they have nothing else. We are empty.

 

To the BS out there... You truly are the ones with the power because it is legitimately yours. No matter how much we want to delude ourselves that is the truth.

 

I think I set out seeking one truth here.... And found another.

It's good to know that you learned something, however I just thought I would comment on your finding.

 

I don't care one bit about power! I would much rather not have been betrayed. And if my wife doesn't like being here, she is 100% free to go whether I got the power or not. I will not force her to do anything but make up her mind.

Speakingofwhich Established Member

Speakingofwhich

Posted
Posted
The truth is that I can't tell BS because she'll win is probably more near the truth. I am afraid of her. She is more powerful than me.

 

To the BSs out there... This is something you would do well to remember. You are powerful and OW are weak.

 

OW pretend at bravado because they have nothing else. We are empty.

 

To the BS out there... You truly are the ones with the power because it is legitimately yours. No matter how much we want to delude ourselves that is the truth.

 

I think I set out seeking one truth here.... And found another.

 

What if power could be a non issue and doing what's right could become the issue? What if you could take the issue out of the realm of competition and bring it into the realm of morality?

 

Then, you know what? Everyone in the equation could win!

 

Solg, you consider yourself to be weak. But you don't have to remain that way. You can choose to be strong.

 

Because whenever you choose to do the right thing, no matter what the results/consequences are you win just by virtue of knowing you did what was right!

William Established Member

William

Posted
Posted

After editing offline, this thread is returned to open discussion. It has been moved to GRD as it seeks general responses from betrayed spouses/partners whether or not they'd prefer to know about an infidelity in their relationship. Please confine responses to that topic and refrain from the use of inflammatory language. Some postings have had quotes removed because the quoted posts were deleted as off-topic. However, moderation strove to retain topical content wherever possible. Thanks.

Betterthanthis13 Established Member

Betterthanthis13

Posted
Posted
Hi @Betterthanthis :-) I've just had my a ha moment. Thank you for making me think.

 

It's this. I think it's a truth not often told. As an OW, I'd trade my bottom dollar NOT to know what I'm doing. I'd LOVE to be oblivious to the fact that the man I love actually has another woman in his life that he loves and adores.

 

We envy you BS your ignorance. We abhor ourselves for our weakness.

 

At the root of it all we KNOW you are better than us. While I am reticent to speak for all OW... I suggest there is a grain of truth here.

 

At the root of it all is insecurity. I can't tell BS because she might be mad at me is crap. The truth is that I can't tell BS because she'll win is probably more near the truth. I am afraid of her. She is more powerful than me.

 

To the BSs out there... This is something you would do well to remember. You are powerful and OW are weak.

 

OW pretend at bravado because they have nothing else. We are empty.

 

To the BS out there... You truly are the ones with the power because it is legitimately yours. No matter how much we want to delude ourselves that is the truth.

 

I think I set out seeking one truth here.... And found another.

 

There was no power in the humiliation I went through this year. It's been exhausting. If we are talking about power, I feel the opposite of how you do. The OW has all the "power"

 

Mostly my xbf cheated with escorts and online hookups, but there was one girl who he had an ongoing thing with who I know from the gym. She's been to my house more than once and I was always friendly to her. It makes me cringe to think that she must have been laughing at how stupid iwas not to know what my own boyfriend was all about. I can not tell you how stupid I feel, even 6 months later. Why didn't they just tell me? If they liked each other so much, why didn't they just tell me? Why didn't he break up with me and date her? It doesn't make any sense to me why he put me through all this torture for so long...

 

I think about him going to see her, then coming home and pretending things were normal. I checked dates and times and verified things through text messages going through his iPhone and was mortified and humiliated to realize what a fool he made of me with his lies.

 

I'm not saying any of this to make you feel bad- I'm saying it because, there's nothing you can say to that woman that ultimately won't be a relief to learn the truth. I could still be in that situation being made a complete fool of if I hadn't discovered the truth for myself. I wish someone had told me.

 

If gym girl had told me, would I have been nice to her? Probably not. I was petty and rude to her when I found out on my own anyway. But looking back now- I certainly would have apperciated knowing the information way back when she was seeing him, rather than months and months later when I dragged the truth out of him. That's a lot of my life wasted with a liar, that's a lot of damage done to my self esteem and a lot of time I will never get back.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...