Porn and lies.

[Trufita]

I'm not sure about if I should write this or not, it embarrasses me, but I'm so upset right now, and I don't really have anybody to talk to about it.

 

The thing is, my SO, even before we met for the first time, told me that before he was a bit obsessed with porn, but that he thought that men shouldn't watch it when they have a girlfriend/wife, because it is about imagining yourself having sex with the girl and then kind of cheating.

 

I have to say that years ago I used to find porn disgusting and didn't like guys watching it, what with time I realized it was a normal thing and didn't mind anymore. However, after he told me what he thought about it, it made me change my mind, at least when it comes to him, because it is not about watching porn or not, but what he thought of it.

 

Along this almost 8 months we've been in an official relationship (since we met for the first time till now), I've had to send sexy pictures of myself or let him take them, and do things on webcam, even though I was/am very very shy about it and also scared of what could happen with those pictures if we break up. Still, I did it for him because he said he needed it to be satisfied and be able to stand the distance, and that if not he would have to go back to porn again. So I did that all, for him.

 

And today, after I told him I dreamt about him telling me he had been masturbating to other girl's pics, he told me that he has watched porn a few times since he said he had stopped, but that he was sorry and felt very bad afterwards.

 

So, he has not only been lying to me but also, according to his words, kind of been cheating on me. And all those pictures and all the things I didn't want to do, for nothing. I feel so disappointed, and angry, how am I supposed to trust him anymore? Now I've seen how strong his principles and promises are...

 

What do you think? Sorry for the long post and thanks a lot for reading!

[Philosoraptor]

I think he set the bar too high for something that didn't bother you. You took him at his word and now there is conflict where there would have been none had he not built these lofty expectations.

 

Either he needs to cut the porn off or you need to go back to your lax stance on it. There is no way to compromise here. Yes, he did lie. But he didn't cheat or kind of cheat, he saw another woman naked on a screen. If that bothers you so much you can dump him. If not, you can just accept that it's not going to be the only time he gets turned on by something else.

[Betterthanthis13]

I'm not sure about if I should write this or not, it embarrasses me, but I'm so upset right now, and I don't really have anybody to talk to about it.

 

The thing is, my SO, even before we met for the first time, told me that before he was a bit obsessed with porn, but that he thought that men shouldn't watch it when they have a girlfriend/wife, because it is about imagining yourself having sex with the girl and then kind of cheating.

 

I have to say that years ago I used to find porn disgusting and didn't like guys watching it, what with time I realized it was a normal thing and didn't mind anymore. However, after he told me what he thought about it, it made me change my mind, at least when it comes to him, because it is not about watching porn or not, but what he thought of it.

 

Along this almost 8 months we've been in an official relationship (since we met for the first time till now), I've had to send sexy pictures of myself or let him take them, and do things on webcam, even though I was/am very very shy about it and also scared of what could happen with those pictures if we break up. Still, I did it for him because he said he needed it to be satisfied and be able to stand the distance, and that if not he would have to go back to porn again. So I did that all, for him.

 

And today, after I told him I dreamt about him telling me he had been masturbating to other girl's pics, he told me that he has watched porn a few times since he said he had stopped, but that he was sorry and felt very bad afterwards.

 

So, he has not only been lying to me but also, according to his words, kind of been cheating on me. And all those pictures and all the things I didn't want to do, for nothing. I feel so disappointed, and angry, how am I supposed to trust him anymore? Now I've seen how strong his principles and promises are...

 

What do you think? Sorry for the long post and thanks a lot for reading!

 

I'm sorry you are upset and hurting. You are not wrong for not wanting to trust him. It sounds like he is maybe not ready for the type of relationship you are looking for?

[bubbaganoosh]

This caught my eye and it bothers me to no end. You said "I've had to send sexy pictures or let him take them and do things on a web cam even though I was/am very, very shy about it and also scared what could happen to those pictures if we break up"......................I'VE HAD TO. I'VE HAD TO.

 

Listen to me please because IMO your heading down a slippery slope and in to a place where you will regret.

 

I was told by a very wise woman who once said to me that the only thing a woman has to call for her very own is her values. Once you let someone compromise those values for their own satisfaction or gratification you have nothing. By the way, I'm a guy.

 

This bum of a guy is out for one thing and that is to get what he can at your expense. If doing this type of activity is not your style or makes you feel uncomfortable then don't do it. The only thing that will happen is that he (and I guarantee this) will soon tire of this and want something more provocative from you. Use your imagination on that. In the long run you will be his tool and he will really do a number on you.

 

My advice is to get those pictures off his camera or phone and find a guy that is everything that this bum isn't. Someone that will give you love and treat you with the respect and dignity that you deserve. Trust me on this, he's bad news. What he has done is making you his own personal porn star and don't be surprised if he doesn't ask you if he can bring a friend or two in this little game he's playing THINK! THINK! THINK!

[skydiveaddict]

What do you think? Sorry for the long post and thanks a lot for reading!

 

I think that pornography will destroy one's soul. I also think that this is very apparent to you now. I'm very sorry for what this ******* is putting you through.

[Eggplant]

The porn thing is a losing battle. It's not worth making it an issue. Assume almost all men watch porn.

 

Secondly: don't send nude pictures until marriage. I allowed some relatively harmless but naked photos, and a third party stole them from my boyfriend right off his account remotely and used them to blackmail me. Go read the threads in which women lament about being betrayed with photos -- most people blame the victim! You get no sympathy, plus it can devastate your career if you can't get them down.

[Els]

I think he set the bar too high for something that didn't bother you. You took him at his word and now there is conflict where there would have been none had he not built these lofty expectations.

 

Either he needs to cut the porn off or you need to go back to your lax stance on it. There is no way to compromise here. Yes, he did lie. But he didn't cheat or kind of cheat, he saw another woman naked on a screen. If that bothers you so much you can dump him. If not, you can just accept that it's not going to be the only time he gets turned on by something else.

 

Second this, pretty much. He shouldn't have promised something that he couldn't keep.

 

That being said, OP, don't you find it rather worrisome that you feel obliged to send him nude pics that YOU don't feel comfortable about to prevent him from watching porn?

 

If someone's porn-watching habits are important to you, just be with someone who doesn't watch! You should not be doing something you are uncomfortable with just to keep his values in line with yours.

 

And frankly, I personally think that sending your nude pics to a long-distance boyfriend of eight months is FAR MORE DANGEROUS than anything that could possibly come of him watching porn. Your priorities worry me, to be honest. Are you identifiable in any of your nude photos? I hope for your sake that you are not.

[giblesp]

First thing's first, don't do anything with anyone unless you really want to. Doing stuff you don't really want to to keep your partner, will have an adverse effect so do stop that straight away. Wait for a high level of trust to come, then see what you want to share together.

 

You know, there's going to be instances in a relationship when we do or say things that wouldn't please the other, that can be seen as a betrayal. He's confessed to looking at porn a few times. Has this come into reality at all, or is this just fantasy?

That's the first thing that needs to be addressed. How he's interacting with other women. If everything is ok on that end, then I'd suggest that everything is ok. But you want him to stop looking at porn, and he must stop for the sake of your relationship.

[CA2TN4Love]

I can't really offer you advice about your SO's interest in porn, because I personally don't have any problems with my SO watching porn. The only time it would become a problem for me would be if he used it as a replacement for me, while I'm with him physically. Everyone has sexual urges, and porn is just a tool (within reason, I'm aware that some people can become addicted).

 

With that said, I'm concerned about you compromising your own values in order to satisfy him. Does he know that you're uncomfortable sending him sexual or nude photos? If so, he has no concern for your feelings. Someone who truly loves you would never ask you, manipulate you, or force you to compromise your values. Respect is a very important part of loving someone. He doesn't respect you. Please respect yourself enough to draw the line and quit doing things that make you feel uncomfortable. You're only disrespecting yourself. I would drop a man like a bad habit if he tried to force me to do something that I'm uncomfortable with. There isn't a man on this planet that's worth that.

 

If him watching porn upsets you, and after a discussion with him he chooses to continue, it's just further proof that he's not the right guy for you. Your core values are not compatible. Kick him to the curb, preferably on his ass, and find a man who will treat you with dignity and respect.

[Trufita]

Thanks you all guys for your pieces of advice and for the time you spent reading me and answering. All of your comments have helped me (but for tomtucker's, tom i think you didn't get the point at all). From now on I won't ever do anything I don't want you for any man, no matter how good they seem to, and I won't send pictures of me to anyone else, that can just end badly.

 

About my relationship, I don't know what I'll do yet. We talked for hours yesterday, and when I made him swear he won't ever lie to me again... he confessed something that made my world completely fall down. He has been lying to me since I met him.

 

Before, I thought he had just had one night stands, and just had sex with a girl she dated for two months. He said he didn't like one night stands but that he did it because this girl he really liked and talked for 3 years told him that she didn't want to be with him because he was a virgin. So that's why he said he slept with a random girl. Then that girl he liked didn't believe him and ignored him anyway, and he kept sleeping with random girls to gain experience.

 

 

But it TURNS OUT, he didn't have one night stands with random girls at clubs. He had slept with 7 prostitutes. He even lost his virginity with one. And that girl he liked so much, HE NEVER EVEN GOT TO MEET HER, and she lived near him, she just refused everytime. She didn't even put the webcam on him.

He knew how much I hate men who go to prostitutes, and still he didn't tell me. We talked about this personal stuff since the end of october or november of last year, so he has been lying to me for a whole year! He has been as well making a lot of stuff up, because I kept asking him details about those girls, and what did he do after the one night stands and everything because I was curious about how that would work to him, being so loving and shy as he is.

 

He says he is sorry, he has cried a lot and he looks very desperate, he says he will do everything and that he would be lost without me, that he has tried to be good. About me, I'm devastated. I was already mad enough and broken enough for him playing with me about the porn things, but now?!

 

How can I forgive this? How?! I'm even scared of him... How can he has that low self-steem and how was he able to lie to me on the face and hide this from me for so long?

 

I'm sorry to bother you again, but I can't talk about this to anyone...

[Els]

Uh, wait, what!?!?

 

That is a LOT of **** to make up. Really, it is. I'm so sorry you're going through all this, OP. But I think you know what you need to do.

 

Someone lying about all this for 8 months is such a huge red flag that a bull would charge at it 10 miles away. That reeks of utter lack of ethics, honesty, and consideration for you. You need to leave this guy, now.

 

Before you do that, though. Are any of the sexy pics you gave him identifiable? Would you be in trouble if they got out?

[ThisGal]

How can I forgive this? How?! I'm even scared of him...

 

As well you should be scared!

 

Men like that are the worst. Deceiving, untrustworthy, manipulative liars. Why are you with someone like that?? Leave him. Not only is he a porn addict (yuck), he has control over you. He pressured you into sending him provocative pictures you were not comfortable taking ... (which by the way, he did not make you do, you gave in to his requests. No one can make anyone do anything they do not want to do so you are also at fault). You need to be a big girl and not let anyone disrespect you like that. He has been taking advantage of you (those pictures are for his sexual gratification). Don't ever send a man discreet photos of yourself (at least not with your head still in it! Crop your head out!)

 

He does not care about you. He does not love you. He cannot be trusted. He is dishonest. A person's word is everything, he clearly cannot be taken seriously as he has lied to you continuously and like a fool, you take him back. Now he has told you that he has slept with several prostitutes This man is going to bring you STDs one day. You need to respect yourself enough to know when it's time to quit. Have some dignity and self-love. I am sure he has many more secrets that he has not revealed to you yet.

 

You need to cease communication, asap! Tell him that you are no longer interested in being in a relationship with him because trust is everything in a relationship and he has made it very clear that he cannot be trusted. You are uncomfortable and unhappy with him. He's going to give you a sob story, don't fall for it. He is still a liar underneath all the tears. Move on with your life. It would be a disservice to yourself if you stayed in an unhealthy relationship like that. I don't care if he was the last man on Earth, I still would not allow him to be in my life. You can forgive him and move on. You owe it to yourself to be happy. Dump this pathetic excuse of a man.

Edited September 7, 2013 by ThisGal

[soccerrprp]

I'm not sure about if I should write this or not, it embarrasses me, but I'm so upset right now, and I don't really have anybody to talk to about it.

 

The thing is, my SO, even before we met for the first time, told me that before he was a bit obsessed with porn, but that he thought that men shouldn't watch it when they have a girlfriend/wife, because it is about imagining yourself having sex with the girl and then kind of cheating.

 

I have to say that years ago I used to find porn disgusting and didn't like guys watching it, what with time I realized it was a normal thing and didn't mind anymore. However, after he told me what he thought about it, it made me change my mind, at least when it comes to him, because it is not about watching porn or not, but what he thought of it.

 

Along this almost 8 months we've been in an official relationship (since we met for the first time till now), I've had to send sexy pictures of myself or let him take them, and do things on webcam, even though I was/am very very shy about it and also scared of what could happen with those pictures if we break up. Still, I did it for him because he said he needed it to be satisfied and be able to stand the distance, and that if not he would have to go back to porn again. So I did that all, for him.

 

And today, after I told him I dreamt about him telling me he had been masturbating to other girl's pics, he told me that he has watched porn a few times since he said he had stopped, but that he was sorry and felt very bad afterwards.

 

So, he has not only been lying to me but also, according to his words, kind of been cheating on me. And all those pictures and all the things I didn't want to do, for nothing. I feel so disappointed, and angry, how am I supposed to trust him anymore? Now I've seen how strong his principles and promises are...

 

What do you think? Sorry for the long post and thanks a lot for reading!

 

Trufita,

 

Your bf is ADDICTED to porn. This is not good. No amount of voyeurism or pics on your part will help him with this. Unless he gets a grip on this porn or gets help otherwise, it WILL affect your relationship in a very bad, progressively debilitating way.

 

You should be angry, sad, whatever. I don't even know if an ultimatum is in order here or that it will matter. I really believe that things are going to be very rough for you two down the road.

 

I had a friend whose ex-husband was addicted. It got to the point where he stopped hiding it and whacked-off right in front of her while watching porn. He allowed this to affect every aspect of his life even to the point of becoming careless so that his child caught him once or twice (or more).

[Keenly]

Trufita,

 

Your bf is ADDICTED to porn. This is not good. No amount of voyeurism or pics on your part will help him with this. Unless he gets a grip on this porn or gets help otherwise, it WILL affect your relationship in a very bad, progressively debilitating way.

 

You should be angry, sad, whatever. I don't even know if an ultimatum is in order here or that it will matter. I really believe that things are going to be very rough for you two down the road.

 

I had a friend whose ex-husband was addicted. It got to the point where he stopped hiding it and whacked-off right in front of her while watching porn. He allowed this to affect every aspect of his life even to the point of becoming careless so that his child caught him once or twice (or more).

 

How is he addicted if according the post he watched " a couple times "

 

 

 

Some times women need to realize that while they are gone at home or something and their boyfriends start thinking about them, they can get horny, and want to get off.

[bubbaganoosh]

Seems to me your a really naïve woman and I'm not saying that in a mean way or rubbing your nose in it. I'm saying it because there are ways you can show a BF or a GF that you care and love them without going to extremes like what you did.

 

I'm not a young many any more. I was at one time and in a different era. I'm almost 66 and yes I did my teen years in the wild part of the late 60's and truth be told it was tame compared to today. In todays world everything is available by pushing a button and "poof", there it is. The point I'm trying to make is this. You agreed to do something for this bum that could come back and bite you in the ass. And for what. To prove your love for a guy who is out for what he could get. In fairness and to be honest, he used you in a real hurtful way by having you shed your dignity under the guise of love. He convince you that if you really love me you'll let me take pictures of you naked even though in your heart you knew you were not comfortable and now you find out the guys true colors.

 

Sweetie. As soon as I read your thread, I knew right then and there he was scamming you. Now, without making this sound like I'm looking down on you, which I'm not, the question is, have you learned something from this?

 

I'm not sure you have. Why? because you said in your reply "How am I supposed to trust him". Remember in my first reply, I ended by saying, THINK, THINK, THINK. Here's the answer. You can't trust him. You never will be able to trust him and if you do, AND IF YOU CONTINUE WITH HIM, YOU WILL GET WHAT YOU DESERVE AND HAVE YOURSELF TO BLAME." You have every right to be mad at him. He shamed you, cheated on you, lied to you, so why in God's name haven't you told this guy to get lost? He's only going to hurt you more and you haven't mentioned this but I will ask and I got a bad feeling about it. Have you used protection with this guy? he slept with 7 hookers that you know of. If he told you he used condoms and you now see all the bull $h!t he's handed you, are you going to believe him? Do yourself a favor and lose this guy before it's too late. Find yourself a guy who will treat you right and be choosey. One more thing. Did he use his phone for the pictures he took of you? If he did, try to get them off his phone or drop the phone in the toilet and buy him a new one but get rid of the pictures. You already have something floating around in cyber space with the web cam stuff. Don't add any more. THINK. THINK. THINK.

Edited September 7, 2013 by bubbaganoosh

[bubbaganoosh]

The porn thing is a losing battle. It's not worth making it an issue. Assume almost all men watch porn.

 

Secondly: don't send nude pictures until marriage. I allowed some relatively harmless but naked photos, and a third party stole them from my boyfriend right off his account remotely and used them to blackmail me. Go read the threads in which women lament about being betrayed with photos -- most people blame the victim! You get no sympathy, plus it can devastate your career if you can't get them down.

 

I think even though your married, your husband shouldn't be able to carry around nude photos of his wife. What if he loses his phone? Who ever finds it can make a bad day turn into a good one you know what I mean? Not to mention, and I'm not being a smart ass I swear, but how many times in a week does a husband see his wife naked. I don't have an answer since I'm single but when I was married, I saw my wife naked quite a few times during the week that I wouldn't need to look at a naked picture of her during lunch. Any time you put yourself naked on film, be it either phone, camera or video, there is a chance that, well you know the saying "$h!t happens" and with one push of a button, there's a chance friends, family, neighbors, and enemies can see you in all your glory. Just my opinion.

[Els]

Some times women need to realize that while they are gone at home or something and their boyfriends start thinking about them, they can get horny, and want to get off.

 

Some men need to realize that this thread isn't really about porn.

[soccerrprp]

How is he addicted if according the post he watched " a couple times "

 

Some times women need to realize that while they are gone at home or something and their boyfriends start thinking about them, they can get horny, and want to get off.

 

Did you read the entire post? His past and his current NEED for it? His explanation to why he needed pics of his gf to avoid it? His "couple of times" THIS time, I suspect is more than a couple of times.

[Els]

OP,

 

How are you doing?

[Trufita]

Thanks you all for all your posts, even for those who told me that I'm dumb. I do am. I didn't reply again because I was ashamed, because I did forgive him and I knew you wouldn't approve, I didn't know how to defend my decision apart from "I love him" and "he looks deeply sorry".

He came to see me a bit after that (in September), and he looked genuinely sorry, he cried a lot, and I believed him and forgave him. At the end, I understood why he had hidden the prostitutes thing (obviously, who would want to date someone who did that...). About the other thing, well, I guess I just forgave. He swore he would tell me everything from then on. He said he would fight against his "addiction", I made him promise he would tell me if he failed in his attempt, because what really bothers me is the lies and the hiding.

 

However, he failed his attempt, several times, and didn't tell me. He told me one day because I kept asking him. I got so angry I broke up with him. On the following weeks we kept talking, and he came to see me, and he was all romantic and I forgave him, again. He made the same promises, again.

 

And today, well, the same thing happened than last time. I know I'm dumb, and I feel like it.

Again, I don't know what to do. Before this, we were fine, we met in his country (UK) for a week from the end of January to the very beginning of February, it was our anniversary and he even took me to Paris. I was happy and in love, and looking forward to our next meeting next month. Till tonight, when he confessed after I asked a lot again.

 

I really, really, really don't know what to do. I don't know what's my problem, why can't I just say "__ off" and move on with my life. I know one part of me is scared of loneliness, the other part is still in love with the good aspects of him. He is romantic, and good to me in general, he does have good qualities, if not I wouldn't have started with him in the first place, nor forgiven him any of the million times I have. However, my trust for him is completely broken, and I don't know how on earth we could fix it. Also, it's been 3 times already, how many more?! How could someone forgive so much...

 

Sorry for the long post, and for bothering you all again. Thanks for reading, too.

Edited February 21, 2014 by Trufita

[TAV]

Hi Trufita, I don't think you love yourself very much and I think he knows that. Some people are awful enough to just prey on people like you. Sort of a cat toying with a mouse.

 

Don't be fooled by the charm and well-chosen romantic gestures; he is not 'good to you in general', he is treating you like crap and he knows it.

 

Please get out before you lose every last ounce of self-respect, before he gives you an STD that will ruin your chances of every having kids or ruins your general health, before you find yourself to be a mother to his children and can never severe the bond with him.

 

YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS. Start believing that please. You will be amazed what peace of mind you will find once you got rid of this manipulative loser.

 

Sorry to be so harse but it's all I could do since I cannot physically shake you awake.

 

And for the idiotic men out there who think this is about being allowed to watch porn or not; grow up. This is about basic respect for a woman, something your mother obviously forgot to teach you.

[OnlyHonesty]

Porn is the least of your concerns. It's more likely you feel angry because you went against your own moral compass and then found out that not only did you disappoint yourself, you didn't get the reaction from your partner that you thought you would.

 

Regardless of whether you are with someone or not, you need to have your own mind, enforce your own mind, assert your boundaries and stick to them regardless. Relationships are temporary, self respect and how you feel about yourself shall remain long after that which you stretched your own boundaries for is over.

[Els]

OP, don't you see only misery and pointlessness down this road?

 

You are in a R with a man whom you cannot trust anymore. Worse, you are in a LDR, the sort of relationship in which trust is most paramount.

 

Please leave for your own sake.

[Keenly]

Did you read the entire post? His past and his current NEED for it? His explanation to why he needed pics of his gf to avoid it? His "couple of times" THIS time, I suspect is more than a couple of times.

 

 

I SUUUUUUUUUURE Didn't