listsubscriber Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I thought I would surprise my girlfriend and take her shopping for rings last month so I could propose. She is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. The main problem is that the ring she liked is about 3 times the amount I had budgeted for a ring. I can't afford the ring she picked out right now and it would take me another year to save enough to get it. She has a hard 3 year rule for dating before she breaks it off and moves on. I reach 3 years dating her in 2 weeks. What do I do?
fanine Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Jesus she sounds harsh. If she loved you she wouldn't care if her engagement/wedding ring was made of plastic. And her three year rule? What does she expect by the end of three years that she has not got in the past, that has made her end relationships at this stage? She sounds a bit cold and unemotional to me tbh.
white Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Well man I never got married but I was working on it at one point and I had explicit instructions, through discussion with her, that the ring should I make that move at some point was to be simple, jewelless and not break the bank. These days I'd probably go for a titanium band because I've seen them at weddings and I like them. I don't know what your relationship is like but why can't you just say you can't afford the (ridiculously, unreasonably expensive) ring she wants in time for the grand gesture on her pissy little schedule? Having it be a "surprise" or some **** is overrated and she probably knows anyway, so be adults about it and start this stage of your relationship off with some sound financial cooperation. 1
Author listsubscriber Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 Thanks for the replies. I thought the time limit rule was really strange when said it. And yes, she has ended every relationship in the past that came to the 3 year deadline. Her attitude is changing and she's becoming colder and colder towards me and I think it's her preparing for the 3 year dumping deadline. She's a really nice woman and I hate to lose her over a crazy time schedule and a ring that's just way too expensive. Is there any genuine love any more, or am I dreaming?
BluEyeL Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Yes, I think you should talk about her. I have friends who got married first with a tiny ring, that they could afford, and years later, when they had more money, they replaced it with a more expensive one. Shouldn't be hung up on rings and weddings, it's not about that. If I get married, while of course I'd love a nice ring, I'd be happy with a simple wedding band and a party in the backyard. Big rings and expensive weddings...what a waste of money!
Author listsubscriber Posted September 5, 2013 Author Posted September 5, 2013 Great advice. I'll talk to her again to see if we can come to a reasonable compromise on these topics. I haven't even gotten to the wedding! She doesn't want to get married in the USA. Again, I don't have the money to ship my entire family and friends to whatever island she wants to go to for the wedding. I wish this were easier!! Well, I guess if it were easy, everybody would be doing it.
imfine Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Someone sounds high maintenance. Do you really want to keep up with her unreasonable demands for the rest of your life? I agree you should talk to her because you have already told her you want to propose. Lay it all out there and if you two can't compromise on the engagement, you probably aren't compatible for marriage. 4
fanine Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Great advice. I'll talk to her again to see if we can come to a reasonable compromise on these topics. I haven't even gotten to the wedding! She doesn't want to get married in the USA. Again, I don't have the money to ship my entire family and friends to whatever island she wants to go to for the wedding. I wish this were easier!! Well, I guess if it were easy, everybody would be doing it. You say what she would like for her wedding but have you both talked about what you both want? It is your wedding as well... 1
AMusing Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Have you told her you can't afford the ring she chose? Surely even a high-maintenance woman would accept a smaller engagement ring with the promise of "upgrading" when you've saved up enough. That said... she sounds pretty awful. She'd seriously dump you for not proposing with the right ring within 3 years? I get that as a woman starts getting older she can't wait around forever to see if her boyfriend will eventually propose. But she knows you're serious about her--you've talked about the engagement and the wedding--it's not like you're stringing her along. This is literally the most important decision of your life, and if you need longer than three years to implement it, she'll dump you? Sheesh.
Moe'sTavern Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Someone sounds high maintenance. Do you really want to keep up with her unreasonable demands for the rest of your life? I agree you should talk to her because you have already told her you want to propose. Lay it all out there and if you two can't compromise on the engagement, you probably aren't compatible for marriage. I agree. This may not bode well for your future married life.
clia Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 How is it that you've dated her for nearly three years and are to the point of marriage, and she doesn't have any idea about your financial situation? Or does she know and not care? It just seems really strange to me that when she chose that ring you didn't just tell her it was out of your price range. 2
Madman81 Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I say you find a ring that's visually comparable to the one she likes, but at the price point you can afford, and propose to her with that. If she accepts it gladly, then that's fantastic. If she gets pissy about it, then you've learned something vitally important about the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with, and should dump her materialistic ass and move on. 2
oldshirt Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 If she is older than 23 her 3 year cutoff point is 2 years too lenient IMHO so consider yourself lucky she's gone this long. I'm not sure what the engagement ring market is like today but 18 years ago when I was getting engaged, it was not an uncommon practice to initially purchase what was called a "presentation ring" which was just a simple band with some kind of solitaire diamond. This was used a 'presentation ring' for the proposal and then if she accepted the proposal and engagement the couple would then go back to the store and pick out the rest of the ring and the solitaire could be remounted on whatever ring was ultimately decided on. So basically you can pick out a simple band and then pick out whatever primary diamond for a lot less initial $$$ and if she accepts the proposal/engagement then you can go back and work on whatever ring it will ultimately be.
Keenly Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 If she is older than 23 her 3 year cutoff point is 2 years too lenient IMHO so consider yourself lucky she's gone this long. I'm not sure what the engagement ring market is like today but 18 years ago when I was getting engaged, it was not an uncommon practice to initially purchase what was called a "presentation ring" which was just a simple band with some kind of solitaire diamond. This was used a 'presentation ring' for the proposal and then if she accepted the proposal and engagement the couple would then go back to the store and pick out the rest of the ring and the solitaire could be remounted on whatever ring was ultimately decided on. So basically you can pick out a simple band and then pick out whatever primary diamond for a lot less initial $$$ and if she accepts the proposal/engagement then you can go back and work on whatever ring it will ultimately be. A proposal after 1 year? You dont even fully know that person yet, now that is it an unrealistic expectation 1
oldshirt Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 ....Oh and if she balks or turns her nose up at the presentation ring and insists that she will only accept the proposal/engagement if you have the specific ring she wants, then let her go and let her go with a hug and a smile on your face and wish her well. It will save both of you a ton of money and heartache and frustration in the long run.
oldshirt Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 A proposal after 1 year? You dont even fully know that person yet, now that is it an unrealistic expectation For a teenagers, college students or someone stationed overseas in the military yes. For two established adults a one year timeframe is perfectly legitimate. If someone just wants to date and have fun, sure, why put limits on anything. But for someone who is serious about wanting to get married and raise a family one year is a perfectly legitimate timeframe to know someone and for each party to know if they want to make the commitment or not. If one or the other isn't "ready" yet after a year, the other would be perfectly within their right to get back on the market and keep looking. If someone says they "don't know" after a year, they are just blowing smoke. (again, we are talking about adults here) and again, the other is within their right to go back on the market. The issue here is there are so many players and multi-daters and so many people with delayed maturity that just want to date and play and have fun that for someone who is serious about marriage/family, they simply do not have the luxury to just go on Saturday night dates and have fun while their "pretty" is burning up. 1
AMusing Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 If she is older than 23 her 3 year cutoff point is 2 years too lenient IMHO so consider yourself lucky she's gone this long. Uh oh, nobody informed me I should have an engagement cutoff! I must've missed that page in my "How to Woman" handbook. Crap, I'm 28 and I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now.... I'm crazy about him, and I WAS eager to see how this relationship progressed naturally, but I guess I should get prepared to dump him if there isn't a rock on my finger in the next few weeks. I mean, my "pretty" must be almost totally burned off by now; us old maids age quickly. There is nothing wrong with waiting a few years to be sure you're making the right choice. For the record, I want a husband and a family. But to me, being sure I'm marrying the right man is more important than just being married. Some people know within a year. Others take more time.
oldshirt Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Uh oh, nobody informed me I should have an engagement cutoff! I must've missed that page in my "How to Woman" handbook. Crap, I'm 28 and I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now.... I'm crazy about him, and I WAS eager to see how this relationship progressed naturally, but I guess I should get prepared to dump him if there isn't a rock on my finger in the next few weeks. I mean, my "pretty" must be almost totally burned off by now; us old maids age quickly. There is nothing wrong with waiting a few years to be sure you're making the right choice. For the record, I want a husband and a family. But to me, being sure I'm marrying the right man is more important than just being married. Some people know within a year. Others take more time. I'm not the dating police, you do what's best for you based on your values, judgment and what's in your best interests. All I am saying is that for adults, a year is a perfectly legit time frame to get to know someone and to know if they are the right fit for them or not and if their partner isn't on the same sheet of music with them, it is perfectly within their right to go back on the market. All I'm saying is if someone dates someone for a year and they want to be making serious future plans and the other person doesn't, they are perfectly within their right to get back out there and find someone who's future goals are more in line with theirs.
Maleficent Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Thanks for the replies. I thought the time limit rule was really strange when said it. And yes, she has ended every relationship in the past that came to the 3 year deadline. Her attitude is changing and she's becoming colder and colder towards me and I think it's her preparing for the 3 year dumping deadline. She's a really nice woman and I hate to lose her over a crazy time schedule and a ring that's just way too expensive. Is there any genuine love any more, or am I dreaming? Wait...she has broke up with boyfriends because they didn't propose after two years? I don't know. Buy the woman a cat. 1
veggirl Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Why didn't you guys discuss budget before going ring shopping? I mean wtf? Just tell her you want to buy her a ring but can't afford the one she picked out. Her reaction will tell you EVERYTHING. 1
Keenly Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I'm not the dating police, you do what's best for you based on your values, judgment and what's in your best interests. All I am saying is that for adults, a year is a perfectly legit time frame to get to know someone and to know if they are the right fit for them or not and if their partner isn't on the same sheet of music with them, it is perfectly within their right to go back on the market. All I'm saying is if someone dates someone for a year and they want to be making serious future plans and the other person doesn't, they are perfectly within their right to get back out there and find someone who's future goals are more in line with theirs. And I say again, I am an adult, who is as ready to settle down as I'll ever be, and 1 year is WAY too short. You don't know who some one TRULY is after a year. Anyone with the expectation is trying to rush into marriage because they are more desperate for the wedding than the actual health of the marriage. You need to pick your mate carefully, otherwise its destined to fail. 1 year is hardly enough time.
Arabella Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 If she didn't know your budget when you took her shopping, then you can't blame her for picking something out of your price range. Just tell her how you feel about it, and watch her reaction. As others have said, that will be more telling than anything else. -A 2
oldshirt Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 There is nothing wrong with waiting a few years to be sure you're making the right choice. And just to put a little different spin on it, I don't really see this as too much of a gender-biased issue (although men have a longer period of good market value so the time-crunch isn't as important) I'm assuming your BF is a full grown adult so if he came to me and said he had been dating this awesome 28 year old gal named AMusing and he wanted to marry and raise a family with her but that she had said that she wouldn't marry anyone she had been seeing for less than 3 years and asked me what I thought. I'd tell him to try to have some serious discussions with her on topics such as long-term goals, family, marriage, child-rearing, finances etc and if she just wanted to date and party and date someone for a minimum of three years before considering marriage/family, I would tell him that it is your right to date and party for 3 years but it would also be his right to bid you well and get back on the market and find someone who's values and future goals and timelines were more in line with his. I am not talking about any kind of "rules" per se but rather what is a reasonable time to get to know someone and know if you want to have a future with them and whether they want to have a future with you. and IMHO a year is a perfectly legit timeframe to know. If people want to date for 20 years that's perfectly ok with me and no skin off my back in any way shape or form. But if the person they are dating wants to move on after a year and not wait for another 19 years to make up their mind, that is perfectly reasonable. 1
AMusing Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I'm not the dating police, you do what's best for you based on your values, judgment and what's in your best interests. All I am saying is that for adults, a year is a perfectly legit time frame to get to know someone and to know if they are the right fit for them or not and if their partner isn't on the same sheet of music with them, it is perfectly within their right to go back on the market. All I'm saying is if someone dates someone for a year and they want to be making serious future plans and the other person doesn't, they are perfectly within their right to get back out there and find someone who's future goals are more in line with theirs. You said in your first post that anyone who doesn't "know" he wants to marry his partner after one year of dating is "blowing smoke." Sounds like pretty blatant judgement to me. As is equating dating with partying/playing around, and telling OP that he is 2 years overdue on his proposal. Like I said, some people think they know within a year. Others need more time to make the BIGGEST decision of our lives; that doesn't make us any less mature or family-oriented.
white Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Uh. Almost everyone I know is married; almost all of those got married either within a year or two years. Those that took longer were married in all but technical sense for years beforehand anyway. My first girlfriend married a man 2 years ago that she was already pregnant by she had known for 8 months; one of my oldest friends had a son with a woman he met less than 6 months prior and will be married soon after under 2 years. My last girlfriend basically proposed to me (making it utterly clear she wished to marry but leaving the time frame to me) after about a year, and it felt very right. An old female friend of mine is in 2 weeks marrying a man she met about a year and a half ago. Sorry to tell you folks again but in the real world of healthy natural authentic relationships people are all very different and you don't get to say what is and isn't "right".
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