She doesn't feel the same - needs space..

[Synched]

Hey. I'm a seventeen year old guy and have been in an unofficial relationship for about eight months.

 

My girlfriend has depression - a pretty bad case of it, and has contemplated suicide in the past, before we really ever spoke. She has always been quite unstable and prone to making decisions which she later retracted or amended, particularly in respect to avoiding me. After being together, she claimed that I was the one who 'kept her alive' (particularly significant given we're doing our final year of school.)

 

Now, every now and then - once every two months, say - she would refuse to say that she loves me, instead saying "I don't know." There was a lot of crying. She would never promise me that things would get better. But I wanted to have strength for her, and we always returned to a healthy relationship - even better than before the crisis, after it was finished.

 

In the past, I asked her, when she felt capable of doing so, of meeting up with me in a park or somewhere quiet and nice. I would hug her very tightly and she would eventually feel better.

 

This time was different.

 

She became distant about six days ago - not talking, and eventually responding to my messages with "do you mind if we not talk for a while, I'm not up to it. Hopefully I can get my head back by tomorrow."

 

I had been through this before, and decided that I would do that. Two days pass without any real communication. She ignores my messages. Suddenly she messages me with, "We need to talk."

She basically told me that, since two weeks ago, she has not had the same feelings for me, and wants to go back to being friends.

 

There is no doubt in my heart that she was happy when we were in the relationship. Suddenly, her feelings have changed, and I do not know why. At first I hoped beyond hope that she was having another moment, and that she didn't know what she was saying.

 

She said this time was different.

 

I broke down. I have been depressed since and have not been able to think of anything else for more than twenty seconds. I love her so strongly, and she loved me in the same way - I know that. What could have happened to tear that apart?

 

I asked her if I had done anything to upset her - she blamed herself entirely, saying she doesn't know what's wrong with her, and that its all on her. She then asked for some space for a while. (Bear in mind this girl was dependent on me to the extent she would message me the instant school finished and we'd fall asleep together on Skype - I loved every minute of it.)

 

I am desperate, and afraid, that this "space" needed for a "while" is actually eternal. I fear that if I never message her again, she will forget about me, and the depth of intimacy we shared for, what seems to me, so long.

 

I only recently joined this site because I have been experiencing the physical manifestations of depression, and I just. Can't. Let. Her. Go.

 

I just can't. The mere thought of it makes me vomit.

 

I *would* be satisfied at this point if we could just be friends again and talk on the regular, but I fear even that is not salvageable.

 

Can anyone offer any insight as to why she might feel like this over two weeks? I hate to say it, paradoxically I hope, that it is a hormonal thing. But I am convinced this is something more permanent.

 

We made plans for the future and we were both supporting each other through those plans.

 

What should I do?

[amaysngrace]

If you truly love her you'd honor her request for some space. If she truly loves you she will come back in time.

 

If she doesn't truly love you and come back, then you should let her go forever.

 

You should only give your love away to someone who returns it. Anything else is a waste of your time.

 

Or...she could just be playing a mind game and secretly wants to see how much you care. Maybe just tell her that you're giving her space because that's what she wants and you only want her to be happy?

 

By the way, you sound very mature for only being 17.

[Synched]

Thank you for the advice. I don't know if this is relevant, but she described how she was feeling as scared, and pressured.

[amaysngrace]

Thank you for the advice. I don't know if this is relevant, but she described how she was feeling as scared, and pressured.

 

Does she see somebody about her depression?

 

You aren't suppose to be her therapist. If anyone should feel pressure it should be you. Since she said that you're the reason she's alive.

 

Anyway I don't know what she means by that. Maybe it's a sex thing?

[Synched]

She does see somebody about her depression. I feel that I am (or was, I guess) making a bigger contribution to her well-being than her psychologist - her mood lifted after talking to me, and I was more than happy to help her with her problems.

 

We both did things sexually for a short time. That was about two months ago and lasted a month.

 

She said I'm the reason she's still alive, because she had found in me someone who wanted to listen, and was genuinely interested in doing so.

 

Once I hoped to meet the person who, pardoning my flaws, would love me for the excellent qualities which I was capable of unfolding. I am stunned by the brevity of this decision, more than anything, given how rapidly she lost her feelings and how much I meant to her, and pulled her from a terrible, awful place her mind was inflicting.

[amaysngrace]

That's the thing though...her mind isn't functioning properly. She suffers with a mental illness.

 

No it's not her fault but it is what it is.

 

You knew this when you met her and still decided to pursue it?

 

If I were you I'd look into co-dependency and how to break free from it. It may be enlightening.

[clia]

I think you should thank your lucky stars that she dumped you and recognize that you just dodged a huge bullet. You are 17 years old. Why get involved with a girl who has mental issues at this age? Why not go find one of the many 17 year old girls out there who don't have such drama in their lives? I don't get it. I know this may seem like the end of the world right now, but trust me when I say it isn't. You will meet many, many girls going forward, and many of them will be better for you than this one. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and you will get through this.

[Woop1337]

She admitted you're the reason she's alive. But she wants distance/break from you. That's a huge contradiction. I say, she just lost interest in you. You might think it happened over night. But that process is gradual. You just didn see it coming. Maybe you were too busy playing therapist. Real therapists get paid for their time.

 

Whenever I hear the word pressure, from a woman. That usually means you are doing something over bearing.

 

Lastly, time heals everything. You are going to be fine, you seem to be a smart person. Like another poster said, maybe this is a blessing in disguise. She got too much problems. It's not your obligation nor your responsibility to uplift this person from their depression. Relationships are a two way street. Seems like your the only one who is giving.

[Synched]

I have never considered her presence a burden. I have always considered her the best blessing I have ever got. Almost every day, she would say the same about what I meant to her. Before me, she would talk to strangers over Omegle.

I can't imagine myself ever losing interest, for no particular reason, over such a short time as two weeks.

I would like to know, if that knowledge even exists, how such an indescribable and horrifying change could occur over such a short period. She was not in her cycle, but she wasn't in times prior to this either.

[todreaminblue]

I have never considered her presence a burden. I have always considered her the best blessing I have ever got. Almost every day, she would say the same about what I meant to her. Before me, she would talk to strangers over Omegle.

I can't imagine myself ever losing interest, for no particular reason, over such a short time as two weeks.

I would like to know, if that knowledge even exists, how such an indescribable and horrifying change could occur over such a short period. She was not in her cycle, but she wasn't in times prior to this either.

 

 

 

hormonal mood swings dont necessarily settle after the cycle if they are out of balance...mine messed up from taking medication for clinical depression and schizo affective disorder..... medication i took that that was years ago and they are still not balanced to this day........i refuse to take medication any more...i give up and i am dealing with it myself.......or struggling by myself should i say......and it isnt easy without meds......its close to impossible...but i am still here and lucid......if i get suicidal i will seek help hopefully they will not put me on meds and just monitor me.....till i get through it.....this is the problem with not being on meds and suffering from severe depression you can become suicidal pretty quickly

 

 

stress will highlight mood swings....i read she is in the final year or just finished her final year....that could have contributed to the shift...give her space ...mood swings are common when in a depressive state...mood swings..anger ....aggression..crying.........monotone voice.....lack of motivation and pushing away the people you love.....all signs of depression......

 

as you can see by replies on here...about dodging a bullet etc .....people who are depressed know they are difficult to understand and that they put strain on people they love.....that is why they push people away depressive episodes dont involve being unaware of how others feel too......

 

most people who are depressed feel like a burden and the best way to make sure the people they love dodge the burden bullet is to push them away.......

 

scared and pressured ....know that feeling...scared and pressured that you wont live up to some ones ideal of you when you yourself feel far from ideal for anyone ......depression often involves feelings of worthlessness uselessness being unattractive and boring,ugly, a burden to those who love her and even would do anything for her, , lost and confused.....if you think of anything negative about who she is that she possibly could think of and that will be in her depression

 

 

so ....if you love her give her space but make sure her family is around her express your concern for her....let your gf know that you are there for her......and when she is ready to see you to come to you you will wait......and you will be there when she needs you, tell her you dont give up that easily but you respect her need for space...if she is a perfectionist and has to get things right all the time...this is also pressure she puts on herself that doesnt help.....that will drive her deeper into a depressive episode ........i wish you and your gf health and happiness....i hope it works out for the best for both of you....

 

 

ps you are only seventeen and you do seem much older than yrou years....make sure that this relationship is somethign that you can handle so young....it would not be wrong for you to walk away......msot guys woudl walk away...its too much for a young soul.....good luck.....you have a beautiful heart dont lose that heart.....shine on....and if you find it too much it would be understandable..she is also young and hormones are still raging in there you know.........deb

Edited September 6, 2013 by todreaminblue

[Synched]

Thank you Deb... I am still not coping effectively. But you definitely had a good description of her. I wonder if she will ever want to speak to me again.

[todreaminblue]

Thank you Deb... I am still not coping effectively. But you definitely had a good description of her. I wonder if she will ever want to speak to me again.

 

 

she will......you can bet on that...good friends and caring boyfriends are nt that easy to find or to come by.....you dont let go....you keep them in your life........;0)...a person with depression although you might not see it or feel it, will hold you close to their heart you are in their thoughts among all the negative you are a bright spot in there...she will be thinking when she is sad...he said he will be there and then they sink again thinking of something negative ....just be there when she comes back from what she is going................those who stay......will always stay...the friends and people who truly love me...they wait for me to get back from it.......i feel blessed when they are there to come back to..and i'm super loyal because of that fact i am there for them thick or thin..............keep updating let us know how it goes with you....best wishes...deb

Edited September 6, 2013 by todreaminblue

[amaysngrace]

Thank you for your post, deb. It gave me some insight into how my daughter must feel.

 

XO

[todreaminblue]

Thank you for your post, deb. It gave me some insight into how my daughter must feel.

 

XO

 

 

i am so happy icoudl amaysn show you a slice...family and friends are the life line of a depressive, you truly are for your daughter a bright spot among the grey...........((((((hugs))))))) to you ls friend...deb

[Synched]

Thank you for taking the time out to help me..

I haven't attended two days of school in order to give her that space (and because I am devastated) and its Friday afternoon.

I hope it would be okay for me to message her Sunday.

[Synched]

I spoke to her on Sunday. I told her that I have accepted what's happened (I haven't, truly) and that I'd like to move on. I told her though, about my fears that she is trying to completely abandon me. She said she felt hurt that I would think that she would do something like that.

 

It made me happier and more optimistic, and that maybe I had considered the worst case scenario to be a reality. But there are some contrasts between what she says, and how she acts.

 

She says she has no intention to cut me out of her life. She says that deep down, I must know that. I like hearing this... but.. she refuses to talk to me face to face. At school she clung around her group of friends and only passed by me with one of them next to her. She refuses to even use Skype for a minute or two - something that, in the past, she couldn't get enough of.

 

I am starting to think that her not talking to me has become more important to her than my well-being. I cannot be sure, though. There are competing thoughts and frankly, I have felt suicidal. Now I am positive those thoughts will eventually disappear. I feel like where before, I was someone precious to her, someone whom she could always talk (and she said: "I never said I wouldn't open up to you), I have now become the biggest burden she's ever had. I only want to talk, but I am being made to feel like that is crossing the line.. just talking.

 

I hope you guys are still there to catch this update.

[skydiveaddict]

We made plans for the future and we were both supporting each other through those plans.

 

What should I do?

 

Well since she gave you "I need space" speech, you can rest assured that she is done with you. Pm me and I can recommend some GREAT new date ideas..

 

Especially jumping out of airplanes. Girls always love that.

Edited September 9, 2013 by skydiveaddict

[Synched]

I feel like it is not impossible for me to become friends again, and from there she can fall in love with me again. If I did something wrong then it would be different - something unforgivable. But there is no cause. She just lost interest. I'm keeping myself going here by trying to initiate a friendship and then maybe, in time - it may take months and months and months - things will get better.

 

If man can send orbital devices far out into space... and develop magnificent pieces of literature... surely this is not an impossible task. I know I sound dramatic, but I am quite sure if I commit myself I can do this.

[giblesp]

Best thing would be to not contact her, and not be friends until you a re truly over her.

Its the absolute worst when your loved one ends it, and you still want her. I dont think anything comes close to that feeling of desolation. I've been there more than a few times myself.

I could say, you're young and you have your whole life ahead of you, she wasn't the one for you move on, I could remind you that you have a college full of girls your own age some of which are probably interested in you.

But only time is going to heal this. Just hang in there, and all the points I just made will come true. Try your best to distract yourself in the meantime, go out with friends to a place of natural beauty, take up a new sport or activity, do something you've always wanted and feel strongly about.

Day by day, that pain gets less, it gets manageable and the you are free of it.

 

If the depression is getting bad, perhaps there's a councilor at college? I'd advise not to go on meds, nasty stuff. There's a herb you can get over the counter, St Johns Wort, that can help. Also valerian if you can't sleep.

[Synched]

Good news.

I spoke to her again today. Before that I had a long talk with my mother about what was happening, and she explained to me that she had been in situations and had acted like my girlfriend was acting. I asked why, and she made it clear that I must be associated with positivity and not guilt. The more we began to talk, the more it all made sense, and the more hope I had for our future together.

 

I ran to my messenger and told her about how I had gained a greater clarity. I explained that I think the great weight of the HSC had subsumed any ulterior distractions - i.e, me, and that I was quite hopeless. I apologised for the problems she endured by me, and that I realise now that of course she cares.

 

She spent a long time trying to get across how she still wants me to be in her life, but that she only wasn't ready to talk to me yet. I kept telling myself... as some people have feared for me the worst, particularly on this thread, that she didn't want to speak to me again. The question of future living together was even brought up, she said she would love it to be a possibility.

 

I feel like I've made a lot of progress through a dark time in my life, but I have a clear objective and I feel like I finally understand the rationale behind her behaviour, and have a good idea of it.

 

"I wouldn't say I had it worse than you at all, mine was just spread along years. Sure there were days where it was crippling but the intensity of what you were going through was truly astonishing, your great intelligence had been turned against you and nothing was going to stand in its path, I couldn't believe it"

 

This is what she said about the depression I was experiencing.

 

Thank you to everyone on this thread who had hope for me and didn't want me to cave in to giving up and ignoring true love. Particularly Deb.. I wish you all the best in the future.

[Synched]

Unfortunately, if any one of you should still be reading this, things have developed in a fairly awful way. I had thought, in my state when this thread was made, that she was being truthful with me - that she wasn't making plans to cut me out of her life, that she truly did want to be friends again and that she would never abandon me. As it turns out, she has done all of those things and changed quite terribly and it has been a little over a month, we are in the middle of our exam period, but her behaviours are confusing to me.

 

I have had mutual friends tell me, (as we have not spoke since the fifteenth of September because I was aware I was overwhelming her) that she genuinely did want to be friends - it was just time that was necessary. Our mutual counsellor even told me the same thing. Now I am prepared to wait months and months more. For the girl I used to know, that is.

 

Since breaking up with me, it is as if she has been trying to wash her hands clean of me. She has revamped her social media, made a whole bunch of new friends and gone and got drunk many times, even appearing to be friendly with a girl who she, many times over, claimed to hate due to several reasons.

 

Oh, and every time she sees me, she completely ignores my existence. There is a vibe of "I don't want to talk to you". This is perplexing me, because people around me are telling me that time is needed - but things are getting far worse, not better. She IS cutting me out of her life, but I have begun to question if I should even bother any more. I want to be friends with the girl I knew, not this cold, callous thing. I have made a mistake in being overbearing, but it is as if all the good I have done for her - giving her a true friend at the start of the year when she suffered from loneliness - does not compensate for my mistakes.

 

I feel like I have been used as a confidence booster until she makes new friends and no longer needs me. I never felt like I needed her - I have always been more successful than she, in school and with friends.

 

I feel like as soon as she got the upper hand, she used it to hurt me just for trying to be her friend.

 

I am well aware I made mistakes, and everybody is telling me that she will eventually talk to me, but the way things are going, it certainly seems the opposite. I believe she is guilty and trying to make me go away by becoming unfriendly and disrespectful. Do I not deserve to be treated better than this? How can I trust anybody again?

[flight E]

Most people here have been there and done that. That's why they said live her alone. Now Pls leave her alone for your own good. You will be surprised that she might come back running