I want to end my marriage...

[Mhariniel]

I am not happy with my marriage but i still love my husband. I go through these emotional roller coasters every single day being with him. When it’s a holiday or special event I'm full of joy, but when it’s over reality is back. Every day is the same routine, which breaks my heart. I just hate the feeling of not living. I feel like I’m missing out on life, but I don't want to be selfish. My kids are more important than the pain my husband gives me every time he makes me feel that other people and other things are his priorities. He is so inconsiderate, insensitive bustard. After I gave birth to my children, all my time is on them and I have nothing to give myself. I gave up everything for my family even my own happiness. I don’t go out, because I don't have many friends like he does. It's everyday routine, home and work only. If I need some fresh air, I sit down at the parking lot after work and smoke, that’s about it then drives home. When I get to the end of my block and think, "yep this is as far as my day go." Then it’s back to the couch or bedroom with my little one. I don't even drink. I haven't had my hair done since I don’t even remember, sometimes I am thinking I deserve to pamper myself once in a while because I am earning way more than him, I know that point of view is wrong but it’s true. I feel like I’m going crazy and becoming depressed. I can’t keep this poker face for long. I have to fight back tears sometimes due to loneliness. My husband seems content. I know he is not a mind reader, but I had this discussion with him before. His answer is always, "what is your problem" like I will get furious for nothing. He is great with other people, and seldom plays with the kids. After work, he will find something to do, or wait for his friends and hangout outside the house. He is kind to me, but sometimes he's in his own world. When he gets in the room which is always late and I am still awake, he wouldn’t even bother asking me “how’s your day?” he will just take his phone and talk to his social networking friends like and comment on posts. I just smoke to have something that belongs to me. What do I have for myself? He gets to try and see the world every day. He gets fresh air and interacts with other people. I'm home after work, then watch Mickey mouse and barney with my little one. I love my kids and the times we spend together are priceless. But when my husband gets home, for him that’s his time to relax. A change of atmosphere. He's done with his day. When I'm still in the same damn place I was yesterday on the couch and bedroom. It’s worst because I have no one to talk to about all these. I been trying to get out and go somewhere but I always think if my kids, who will stay with them, with my little one’s diapers, feeding, bathe, watch over. Our marriage is a stick in the mood. No excitement or adventure. I hate it when he brings home food when he did something inconsiderate. Sometimes when he gets off of work he has friends at the house already waiting and drink till midnight, which is fine with me, that’s what he wants and I get used to it. But when those times that he will purposely turned off his phone when he is not coming home, I get no phone calls or heads up, not even to text me like “hey bitch I will be home late, I’m at friend’s house drinking, don’t wait for me be home at midnight”. Hell I would go to the market for few minutes just to get out the house, have my mom or brother watch my little one for a few minutes. Even prisoners need sunshine for an hour a day. My house has become my prison and my marriage is the guard on duty. I love my husband, but I'm not happy.

[Philosoraptor]

I can see why you are frustrated. Have you been able to sit down, not get emotional, and explain to your husband clearly what you are telling us here? If so, and he hasn't attempted to change, you may want to consider marriage counseling.

 

While I do think your marriage has issues, it doesn't seem like anything that can't be worked through if both parties are willing to work on the marriage. It seems more like you are very unhappy with the dynamic than anything. Right now you seem to be in quite a rut and the buildup is really getting to you.

 

If you try talking and MC, and he still doesn't want to make an effort... then you have a decision to make. Stay in this dynamic that he is unwilling to change after talking to him, or end things and find someone who is more willing to compromise.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

You sound depressed. You may need to see a doctor for a physical and maybe some antidepressants.

 

 

Your husband also seems selfish, but your marriage certainly needs some attention. MC seems in order.

 

 

This stuff is fixable, but you need to take some steps to move that along.

 

Giving up is an option too, but I think if you worked in your depression. And dealt with your self esteem issues and then started MC you could see some improvement enough that you would want to stay.

 

IIWII

[Moper]

In my less than fully educated opinion the first thing you must understand is that you are depressed. You need to know that you will not stay depressed forever and that you need to work on this. Individual counseling is a must and you may consider medication to speed your recovery along.

 

 

This is no time to make any decisions.

 

You need to know too that you are responsible for being in touch with your own unique emotional center. Your husband is not perfect, never will be perfect, and is not responsible for your happiness. That is not to say that you should accept his behavior or his attitude but rather that acceptance or any other solution is something you might be best off considering after you make yourself whole again.

[TigerCub]

Sorry you're so down OP.

 

But from your story I get the impression that a lot of the fixes to this problem are in your control.

 

You can choose to one day go out and get your hair done and treat yourself to a massage or a mani/pedi and feel good about yourself.

 

You can choose to look up classes for something that interests you - maybe dance, or cooking, or even joining a book club. Register for it and it will be your OWN thing that you do and he'll watch the kids while you go out and do something you enjoy.

 

As for how he doesn't talk to you much and doesn't ask about your day - I get how that comes off as hurtful, but I just wanted to mention that in my case, when I was living with my ex. Some days he would be moody and grumpy and whatever, and it would rub off on me. I could start out feeling awesome, but having someone sulking and being obviously down can rub off.

 

I'm not saying don't express how you are feeling, if you are sad, it's ok to be sad, don't put on a front, but maybe you can see that sometimes when the mood is dark, it just kind of gets everyone. So he very well could be feeling down too.

 

I hope you find some things that are fun for you and that your husband will be supportive of that.

[jimmytwowheels]

Take control and responsibility. Is he locking you in the house? If not then get out a bit, go to the park, go see a movie. You have every right to demand your own time, some space.

I don't know how old he is, but I get the impression of an immature man child. It's time for him to start making a real commitment to your relationship and doing more of his share at home.

 

I make far more then my SO but I take the time to help around the house. Chores and caring for a child are something you can do TOGETHER which will bring you closer.

 

Don't get down on yourself. Just stand up and own your life.

[Moper]

I doubt that the marriage itself is the cause of the depression. In my own case it is not my marriage but rather my own dysfunction in dealing with people and my own feelings. I needed IC to see that. My marriage needs a lot of work and that is a whole other issue. My marriage issues are related to, but are not the root cause of problems.

 

That said, before IC I blamed my marriage 100%. The marriage is an easy target. In my opinion one has to get to their own emotional center before really dealing with their issues.

 

This is a criticism I have of a lot of posters here. I see people reaching into their own emotional center and imposing it upon others in a very judgmental way. There is no one size fits all answer to any of these problems. Taking ownership of one's actions, sure. Beyond that I think a moral person really has to take care because the line between trying to help someone and acting out one's own issues on someone else is not always easily drawn.

 

It is kind of like hitting one's child. Are you hitting the child for their own benefit, or your own benefit?

[Mhariniel]

It is tough being a working mom and raising kids, too. There just isn't enough of you to go around. It's obvious that you love your kids and that they mean the world to you. My heart breaks for you when I read about the challenges you are experiencing in your marriage. It hurts deeply to feel alone in our own home.

 

I kept re-reading these sentences you wrote:

 

"What do I have for myself? He gets to try and see the world every day. He gets fresh air and interacts with other people. I'm home after work, then watch Mickey mouse and barney with my little one. I love my kids and the times we spend together are priceless."

 

Have you thought about heading to the park with your kids after you get home from work? For me, the change of scenery from the 4 walls that surround me really helps. And, other moms are usually there with their kids, so, you might end up meeting some new people, too. The kids get their wiggles out, you get time with them in a different environment, and you might just meet a new friend! As the seasons are changing and the weather gets cooler, you might want to head out to the mall or some place similar that is indoors. You and the kids will still be together, it will provide a change of scenery, and you may just bump into another mom doing just the same thing.

 

One more thing. If you should need someone to talk to, someone who really understands what you are going through, I know Focus has a free counseling service, YES FREE! You might want to give them a call at 1-855-771-4357.

 

Please know I'm praying for you!

 

{{Shama}}

 

Thanks Shama, appreciate everyones' input.. i haven't been talking to him, because i don't want to see him yet. Like last night i came home after work, then after couple of hours he came with his friend stayed outside. i don't even look at him. I think i reall need counseling at least for myself.

[Mhariniel]

i tried talking to him so many times, but he walks away i don't know he always does.

[Mhariniel]

Hello Jimmy, thanks. No he's not locking me in the house. I am scared that if i try to get out, he will be worse than he is now. And he will have all the reason to say, "we are the same" I love being at home with the kids, but i just really need him to realize that we are more important than anybody or anything. Sometimes, i am thinking that maybe its my fault that he is like that, because i am boring wife?, or because we've been together for so long and he is tired of seeing the same people everyday?, i don't know, because he is not saying anything or talking to me.

 

One time which was very painful, i asked him if we can watch a movie. He said "OK, what time?" I said, "around 730PM, but i am bringing your son with us (my son is 11yrs old)" So i came home after work, and excited that we will watch. I arrived and his friends are there, then my husband arrives and said "I think that movie is not showing yet" , then i said "that is fine i can watch with your son, we wouldnt ask you to watch movie with us and we havent check what is showing" He really got mad and he said "what is my problem" so he followed us and left his friends at home, but he is always on his phone texting them, checking his watch.

 

What do i need to do just so i or we can be important like his friends and people.....He actually do chores at the house (outdoors) because anyways he and his friends are always outside. Sometimes, i just want him around with us you know...

[Philosoraptor]

He doesn't sound very attentive whatsoever. He needs to learn to prioritize his life. You deserve some "me" time as well.

 

Explain to him that you are very unhappy with this dynamic and need more attention for both yourself and the family. If he takes to that, great. If not, then suggest marriage counseling to help get on the same page. I wouldn't bring up the "divorce" thoughts until all other avenues have been traveled.

[oldshirt]

This letter could have been written by my wife a few years except that I don't drink, don't hang out with buddies all the time and I am home on time every night. Other than that the rest of this was probably spot-on with how she felt and how she was reacting to every.

 

The problem was I was in my own little world and couldn't hear her or see what she was going through, nor could she hear me or see what I was going through. We were both miserable and both contemplating packing our bags and leaving but neither of us could see or hear the other.

 

What it finally took was a major blow out in which we were each able to say that we were very unhappy and admit that we were both seriously considering ending the marriage.

 

In our case we were each finally able to hear the other one through all the background noise of the whining and moaning that each of us had been doing for years.

 

We were able to get into counseling and with the counselors help were each able to hear and understand the other and we were both willing to work on making life more tolerable for the other.

 

Your husband is probably equally miserable even though you think he is fine with everything. Your shared misery can be your common ground to begin work with.

 

You write and express yourself well and your post seems very explicit with very nuts and bolts issues that can be directly addressed.

 

My recommendation is to find a competent counselor and set up an appointment. Then tell your husband you have made an appointment with a counselor and if he wants to remain married and wants to remain with you, he needs to go to the counselor with you.

 

(if he refuses, then go without him and the counselor can help you either get his attention or help you with the separation and divorce process if that still doesn't get him to see the light)

 

Then print out a copy of your post and read it word for word to your husband and the counselor. If the counselor is worth his/her weight in beetle dung he will be able to see your pain and contempt and will be able to get through to your husband what you are going through and get him to step up to the plate and work with you in raising this family in a more effective manner.

 

My hunch is that your husband isn't a bad guy and doesn't want to split up any more than you and doesn't want either of you to be stuck in this misery. I think that if you were to read your post to him with seriousness and conviction, he would finally see the light.

[dichotomy]

I see some good discussion here. Lots for you to consider.

 

I also see alot of depression on the demand of working, kids, home, responsibilities. If you divorce and get a place on your own with the kids - do you think these stress will be less - or increased?

[Mhariniel]

Hello, I actually ended the relationship today, this is because i found out he is on drugs also and my mom is the one caught him..There is also hearsay that he is doing sex with gay guys..I am so done with him, though its so painful but i know i can do it...

[Mhariniel]

Quite honestly, he sounds like an underemployed, immature loser and you're well rid of him.

 

Since you did all the housework, childcare and worked fulltime outside the home anyway (golly...what a big surprise that is!), it's not like you're losing his 'help' when you finally get rid of him. You're just losing 180 pounds of even more responsibility and work.

 

I'd be celebrating that you have one less adult child to take care of.

 

Hope he knows he's going to have to get a better job because child support for a minimum earner is going to hurt. Guess he'll have to spend less time on the gay side of town trolling for quickies and get a night job.

 

Ugh. You're SO well rid of this guy. I'd be celebrating.

 

....actually he do house work too in and out, its just that after doing those he wants a price like drink with his friends, do his hobby like riding the bike and airsoft..and he was saying i don't appreciate those, i do the problem is that his friends, alcohol, gambling, drugs, and he denies having sex with gays..

 

i have said so much this morning that hurt him just to lessen the pain i have now.. and he even said he regret he have met me..

[beach]

What kind of drugs were discovered? Alcohol is also a drug (depressant).

 

And what is your plan moving forward? You can't change him - YOU CAN change YOU!

 

Hugs!

[Cococbel]

Your op sounds familiar.

Wow, so sorry to hear there was more to it. ( That is, he was not only taking you for granted.)