EnglishChick Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 I have been involved in a very long distance relationship for over a year (3000 miles!). He has been talking about marriage since about 3 months after we got together, it was a little scary but also nice because he kept telling me not to worry if I didn't feel the same yet, he'd wait. Well he did wait and he was wonderful. He was a genuinely kind, sweet, intelligent person and I loved him with all my heart. With the huge distance between us we could only really spend holidays together so it was pretty intense but both of us thought we could work through it. I would go there, he came here etc. I spent the summer with him and everything was going fine, we didn't get to spend that much time together because we were working long hours at a camp but it was great to just be able to see him across the dining hall of a morning and get a smile. Everything seemed great. The last two weeks it was just us two and it was very intense, we were staying in his parents house and he couldn't really do much because he'd hurt his leg, we could barely touch eachother because his parents are extremely strict about it so sex was out which was totally frustrating and didn't really help but other than that things were fine, we didn't argue but that was a bit of a problem too because nothing was ever resolved. Anyway, I get home and I'm unbelievably depressed and missing him, he said he felt the same but the day after I got home he seemed a little cold towards me. 3 days later, he ends it, telling me we need to work on our communication but it's ok because we're going to fix it and we'll be fine, he'll call me the next day which he did. We spoke about 3 times after that and now I haven't spoken to him for 2 and a half months. I've had the odd email saying he knows we need to talk and we will but he works in the middle of nowhere so it is a totally valid reason but he does get weekends off which is what drives me mad. I've been the image of understanding, I haven't yelled, I haven't pestered, I've just been there for him because he has depression issues and stuff in work going on but this weekend I snapped. I found out that 3 days after we broke up he had 'single and looking' on his profile and it really hurt. I emailed him yesterday and (still being nice and understanding) told him I couldn't handle it anymore and he'd really hurt me. I thought I meant more to him than this. Does anybody out there have any advice? I've been reading other posts for the last few days and it really is helpful to know I'm not the only one spiralling into a pit of misery! I told him I didn't want him back after he was apparently over me so quickly but I'm not sure what I'd do if he came back. I just can't believe that a few weeks before he'd been talking about marriage! Thanks for reading this, I know it's a long one!
mischafan160 Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 Your situation is eerily like mine...how old is he? If you guys are in college, as I am, I would have to say that your ex is confused and doesn't really know what he wants, and that's the best explanation I can give you. Believe me I agonized over it for a long time too, but in the end you just come to the realization that boys are just confused and don't know what they're doing, and it's not your fault at all. It's especially hard after a long distance relationship, because you worked so hard to make it work and then he leaves and you feel like all your work was a waste... Best advice is to start doing No Contact, I don't know if you've heard of it but check out the post in Second Chances about it. It helps you feel better about yourself while increasing your chances of getting him back. Good luck!
bluechocolate Posted November 16, 2004 Posted November 16, 2004 He has been talking about marriage since about 3 months after we got together, it was a little scary.......... A little scary?!? Personally I think that is what people here term as a "red flag". Especially when you consider that for much of your relationship you've been 000's of miles apart. I think talk of marriage very soon like this is a sign of someone who is emotionally immature & immature people are quite often unpredictable and act on impulse. we were staying in his parents house and he couldn't really do much because he'd hurt his leg, we could barely touch each other because his parents are extremely strict about it so sex was out So even on your "holiday" together it sounds like you didn't spend much time alone. Why on earth were you staying at his parents house if they are like this? I hope he took you somewhere for a few days, just the two of you. now I haven't spoken to him for 2 and a half months. I've had the odd email saying he knows we need to talk and we will but he works in the middle of nowhere so it is a totally valid reason but he does get weekends off which is what drives me mad. This guy is clearly too busy & a bit too confused to have any kind of meaningful relationship right now. I don't think you should waste any more of your time on this one.
Author EnglishChick Posted November 16, 2004 Author Posted November 16, 2004 Thank you for replying! I'm 23, he's 26 so he's a bit old for being confused. He is very dramatic though and the type of person..."I have a cold"..."Oh well I have pneumonia!" Seriously, that was the last thing I heard. Not sure what that had to do with it but I think I'm just venting now. I'm well into non contact and not by choice either, I know he'll email me soon enough, even if it's just about the one I sent yesterday and it has helped but sometimes it gets a bit much and I'm either really angry with him for hurting me or crying over something stupid. How did you deal with it? I just don't understand why he would say he wants to work on stuff then disappear!!!
Author EnglishChick Posted November 16, 2004 Author Posted November 16, 2004 Originally posted by bluechocolate He has been talking about marriage since about 3 months after we got together, it was a little scary.......... A little scary?!? Personally I think that is what people here term as a "red flag". Especially when you consider that for much of your relationship you've been 000's of miles apart. I think talk of marriage very soon like this is a sign of someone who is emotionally immature & immature people are quite often unpredictable and act on impulse. For the first four months we were living in eachothers pockets, sorry didn't clarify that but you still have a point!
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