ChristineP Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 I broke up with him about 6 months ago because we weren't communicating well and I was on edge about it. I probably wasn't communicating with him the way he needed, so he didn't know how to act either, and it was making me feel like he didn't care about me at all. It wasn't angry or anything, just abrupt. We've talked occasionally all summer, and about two or three weeks ago he admitted he missed me. He asked me to get coffee with him then, but I said I wasn't so sure. We talked casually every few days since then and tonight he again said that he missed me. A couple minutes later he asked again if we could get coffee together. It's weird on a couple levels. One, he was HORRIBLE about making plans to go out and do things while we were dating. Two, I'm not sure how I feel about him, and I have no idea how he feels about me anymore. We made plans, but I am so nervous. Mostly because I have no idea what to expect. Help?
darkmoon Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 (edited) go with an open mind, just see how he acts, no pressure, it's only coffee if he was horrible to date, I expect you told him why at the time I say just give him a chance Edited September 5, 2013 by darkmoon
Author ChristineP Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 sigh. so he texted me this morning that he was going to be held up later when we were supposed to meet up, so we would have to reschedule. I kind of figured he was either bailing or just got nervous, then he asked if tomorrow would be ok. I said I was busy, so he suggested two more days. So apparently he actually did get held up. Now i get to prolong my nervousness until next week. How do i stop myself from driving myself crazy over this stuff?
SillieBillie Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 Just try not to think about it. I'm currently 'dating' someone who doesn't call it dating and won't take me out on dates! I'm trying to be patient. We are apparently going for dinner tomorrow night (and drinks)... First public date in over a month. I half expect him to cancel, but I can't say for sure. So I'm trying to just relax and plan things I have to do if he does cancel... Then deal with the next step after. If he cancels, or just flat out flakes it and doesn't bother acknowledging that we were to go out, then I kinda feel like that will be the end of it. I'll have to tell him we can't 'see' eachother anymore- because really, pulling out of plans all the time is pretty disrespectful and shows not much maturity or consideration for a serious relationship. You shouldn't expect this guy to show much change since you had dated. But, just chill out until the next scheduled time, go and chat, whatever. See how you feel about it. It's just a meet-up. If it goes alright and he wants to meet up again, you might consider trying to discuss the issue, if you'd like to date again that is. Discuss things. I make the mistake of letting people be, a lot. And it doesn't really work if the problem is something like a lack of effort or something like that. Sometimes people are unaware of what they're doing, sometimes they don't know much different, sometimes they are unsure of how you feel... Lots of reasons. If they're just being a jerk, it should be pretty easy to see after having a talk anyway.
truth_seeker Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 I broke up with him about 6 months ago because we weren't communicating well and I was on edge about it. I probably wasn't communicating with him the way he needed, so he didn't know how to act either, and it was making me feel like he didn't care about me at all. It wasn't angry or anything, just abrupt. We've talked occasionally all summer, and about two or three weeks ago he admitted he missed me. He asked me to get coffee with him then, but I said I wasn't so sure. We talked casually every few days since then and tonight he again said that he missed me. A couple minutes later he asked again if we could get coffee together. It's weird on a couple levels. One, he was HORRIBLE about making plans to go out and do things while we were dating. Two, I'm not sure how I feel about him, and I have no idea how he feels about me anymore. We made plans, but I am so nervous. Mostly because I have no idea what to expect. Help? He still has some lingering feelings, and also has no options as of right now. You're a security blanket to him. Even if you two reconcile, it will only be temporary until he feels secure again. 1
Author ChristineP Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 He still has some lingering feelings, and also has no options as of right now. You're a security blanket to him. Even if you two reconcile, it will only be temporary until he feels secure again. what makes you think so?
Author ChristineP Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 He wants sex from you. what makes you say that? i'd really like to know
StrongLass Posted September 6, 2013 Posted September 6, 2013 (edited) what makes you think so? I can't speak for the other posters, but for me it's firsthand experience. Some guys "change" temporarily when someone familiar withdraws from them for a while in an attempt to draw them back in. It's ultimately a selfish ego thing. Therefore? Those guys can't be trusted. Bottom line? Don't get your hopes up & take anything he may say with a grain of salt. Old habits die hard. Edited September 6, 2013 by StrongLass 2
Author ChristineP Posted September 6, 2013 Author Posted September 6, 2013 I can't speak for the other posters, but for me it's firsthand experience. Some guys "change" temporarily when someone familiar withdraws from them for a while in an attempt to draw them back in. It's ultimately a selfish ego thing. Therefore? Those guys can't be trusted. Bottom line? Don't get your hopes up & take anything he may say with a grain of salt. Old habits die hard. So how would YOU say you can tell those "some guys" from the honest ones?
StrongLass Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 So how would YOU say you can tell those "some guys" from the honest ones? Simple. See if he keeps his word. Take note if his actions match what he's said. Ask him direct questions about his intentions toward you. Make him SHOW you he means it. Don't hand him your heart again simply cause he said some nice stuff & asked for it. Those who are waffling back to the familiar will "crack" under the slightest pressure of having to gain back trust that they lost with you and will run off to something that looks easier. Rebuilding trust is not for the faint of heart. Those who don't ask such questions early on seem to end up getting a "Dear John/Jane" letter/speech 4-5 months later despite whatever "progress" had allegedly been made. It all boils down to how much time you want to avoid wasting. 3
mtnbiker3000 Posted September 8, 2013 Posted September 8, 2013 I can't speak for the other posters, but for me it's firsthand experience. Some people "change" temporarily when someone familiar withdraws from them for a while in an attempt to draw them back in. It's ultimately a selfish ego thing. Therefore? Those people can't be trusted. Bottom line? Don't get your hopes up & take anything he may say with a grain of salt. Old habits die hard. Not a gender specific thing...
StrongLass Posted September 9, 2013 Posted September 9, 2013 Not a gender specific thing... Definitely not Nor did I intend to imply that it was.
Author ChristineP Posted September 12, 2013 Author Posted September 12, 2013 well. it's been a bad couple of days. He and I made plans, I suggested the place, he suggested an exact time. "how about 10:30 on tuesday? i'm free from 10 til 3". I figured i would make sure it was still happening, so monday night I asked if that was still ok. He said he was now busy in the morning, so could we do after 5? Hell no we couldn't because I had class, and clubs to get to, and I told him that I had planned on 10, and I couldn't change that. The next morning, we were both on facebook, and joking around like usual, then he said something about going back to bed. This was an hour after he said he would be busy that morning, and i called him out for saying he would be busy, lying. He admitted that he was a jerk, and i said something that I'm pretty sure I never would have said in person. and i stopped talking to him. he said he was sorry (a rare occasion), but I never responded. I unfriended him from my facebook and have been sobbing miserable since. I don't know what to do. This was only yesterday morning but I feel like it's been weeks. I literally spent the day shaking, not able to take off my sunglasses because I was on the verge of tears. I don't know if I did the right thing. I feel like now I'll never have the opportunity to be friends with him again, and I'm not usually a dramatic person, so unfriending him felt so dramatic, but I felt like I needed to get him out of my line of sight for a while. It brought up a lot of stuff I was mad about when I broke up with him. little things like that. and due to the way our relationship ended, I never got to tell him what was bothering me. So i have all this pent up anger and misery at the way it ended and now i never get the chance to hit the reset button on our friendship. I'm truly miserable. I feel exactly like I did when we broke up. I miss him more than anything. The nervous excitement of getting to see him again was just crushed. Sobbing myself to sleep each night. not wanting to do anything with friends. not wanting to eat. considering whether i need therapy to get over this. help!!
Simon Phoenix Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 what makes you say that? i'd really like to know Because guys like getting sex from girls. Why wouldn't he want to have sex with you?
StrongLass Posted September 12, 2013 Posted September 12, 2013 (edited) I'm truly miserable. I feel exactly like I did when we broke up. I miss him more than anything. The nervous excitement of getting to see him again was just crushed. Sobbing myself to sleep each night. not wanting to do anything with friends. not wanting to eat. considering whether i need therapy to get over this. Re-read my second post again. You're making this WAY harder for yourself than it should be. His actions (or rather lack thereof) aren't showing him as a man willing to follow through and make it work with you again & you're desperately chasing your tail trying to figure out why when the why shouldn't matter at this point. He clearly isn't worth all this anguish & pain. There are plenty of other things worth worrying about in life than some flake that you had trouble communicating with in the first place. help!! We're all trying... Edited September 12, 2013 by StrongLass
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