For fully reconciled BS and WS

[Spotme]

What is your experience of being fully reconciled? What does it feel like, look like, sound like? What is it that makes you comfortable saying you are reconciled as opposed to reconciling? When did you come to the realization that you are, indeed, reconciled? I am hoping we have enough members here who consider themselves in the reconciled group to answer these questions :-)

[whatatangledweb]

It takes awhile to fully feel it. It come in steps. I feel safe and secure again. I don't worry that he is looking for someone else or that he will in the future. I have accepted that the affair happened and it can not be undone. I know my husband loves me and that he is truely remorseful. People make bad choices that hurt others. I chose to move past the pain and look forward towards our future not our past.

 

I will trigger once in awhile but it happens rarely and does not have that all consuming pain. I see our marriage now as it always was before the betrayal. The hardest part for me was letting go of the fear. Once I could do that I felt like me again. That allowed us to move past the affair.

 

I'm not good at writing things out but you know you are reconciled when your relationship feels normal again.

[seren]

We are 6 yrs on from D Day, I don't know about reconciled or reconciling, I wonder if anyone ever fully reconciles themselves to an A being part of their marriage history. Maybe an acceptance that an A has taken place and once the anger, hurt and noise settles and the looking ahead rather than fixing on the past is the time reconciling happens. I know for me and H it took around 3 yrs before I went a day without it catching me unawares and making me stop smiling about us.

 

We have been together 27 yrs and the A is the worse thing that has happened in that time and that, given all that has happened, takes some saying. However, balanced against all that we have shared that is good, the A couldn't wipe all those times away. Reconciliation looks like us being able to talk about how we feel about almost losing us and being grateful that we didn't throw in the towel and walk away. We are both damned glad that we recognised how much we each had to lose if we allowed the A to define us and what we have. However, we also acknowledge what each had done before the A to enable our relationship becoming taken for granted. We have both changed, our relationship has changed and that is no mean feat after so long together.

 

While we have that easy, familiar way that long time together couples have, we also nurture the romantic side of it too. I don't dwell on what if's and whether H would have another A, the circumstances at the time of the A aren't going to happen again, I believe another A won't happen, but I will never be a it cannot happen to us type again - which is sad, H knows there are no second chances. I have never checked up on him and I trust him.

 

We live remotely and have each other as our best friends, we are happy and content, contentment is an undervalued emotion in a relationship, but sitting together at the end of the day, laughing and saying so much without saying anything at all is where we are at and so I suppose we are reconciled. It is the hardest thing I have ever done, I never thought I would have to learn how to forgive betrayal, but I have. At some point looking ahead becomes the focus, at some point the going over and over the A becomes exhausting and boring and at some point you find yourself looking at each other and you just know you have gone through the worse of it.

[drifter777]

I think reconciliation is a process. As long as the BS has a healthy mind, the memory of the WS cheating is never going to go away. This means forgiving/accepting their WS all over again each time they trigger. I think this is as "fully reconciled" as any couple will reach.

 

The trigger incidents may become less frequent and less intense over time, but they will always be there.

[HopingAgain]

I think reconciliation is a process. As long as the BS has a healthy mind, the memory of the WS cheating is never going to go away. This means forgiving/accepting their WS all over again each time they trigger. I think this is as "fully reconciled" as any couple will reach.

 

The trigger incidents may become less frequent and less intense over time, but they will always be there.

 

I think you are right. It's pretty similar to accepting any other type of major trauma that a person has survived. You move forward, but you never forget.

[ladydesigner]

I think you are right. It's pretty similar to accepting any other type of major trauma that a person has survived. You move forward, but you never forget.

 

This is one of the hardest things for my WH to accept. The trauma he caused us is right up there with me being molested and gang raped and I know he doesn't like becoming a part of that club. I still have PTSD from childhood trauma so I'm sure I will always have some form of PTSD from this as well.

[drifter777]

This is one of the hardest things for my WH to accept. The trauma he caused us is right up there with me being molested and gang raped and I know he doesn't like becoming a part of that club. I still have PTSD from childhood trauma so I'm sure I will always have some form of PTSD from this as well.

Yeah, my WW too. It's because the WS will always want their cheating to be forgotten. They say things like "not again - how long are we going to have to talk about this?" as if the BS can give them a date/time. I told my wife she is going to have to open up when I need to discuss it and if she won't then we're going to have a real problem - again. I might need to discuss it a couple times a year and I think she owes me that much.

[HopingAgain]

This is one of the hardest things for my WH to accept. The trauma he caused us is right up there with me being molested and gang raped and I know he doesn't like becoming a part of that club. I still have PTSD from childhood trauma so I'm sure I will always have some form of PTSD from this as well.

 

I'm sorry you are experiencing this! I too inherited PTSD from my husbands affair, it truly aggravated past bad memories for me too. It's one of those things in life you just learn how to manage and I think a huge part of healing is in our spouses accepting that they contributed to causing this trauma and they need to do whatever they can humanly do to ease our pain as WELL as not doing more to aggravate it.

[HopingAgain]

Yeah, my WW too. It's because the WS will always want their cheating to be forgotten. They say things like "not again - how long are we going to have to talk about this?" as if the BS can give them a date/time. I told my wife she is going to have to open up when I need to discuss it and if she won't then we're going to have a real problem - again. I might need to discuss it a couple times a year and I think she owes me that much.

 

Good for you! I hope your wife has been accomodating to your requests. My H still shuts down and becomes a man of few words when we talk about the affair at times. It's embarrasing and frightening for him but I have told him that he needs to get over that and muster up some courage because it is neccessary for us to heal.

[ComingInHot]

For me, being fully R'd looks like/feels like... The A is a Rare thought. When the memory is brought to the forefront of our minds, it's blurry, like something that happened in a past life instead of the not too distant past of this life.

It's almost as if I trust my H again as fully as I did before BUT w/the lack of naivety.

CIH*

[Bittersweetie]

Personally I see reconciliation as a journey rather than a destination...I will always be cognizant of my actions and our relationship. I don't want to fall into any complacency and lose what we've both worked so hard for. As for what it looks like, we are open and honest with all things. We give and take. We try to include us time, as much as we can with a one year old.

[janedoe67]

I think a WS HAS to realize that the A doesn't disappear. just like any other trauma. I will never forget being raped at 12. I will never forget being molested by a minister. I will never forget my boyfriend being murdered.

 

BUT

 

As time passed, I was able NOT to be defined by those things and carry them around. And that was without any apology, remorse, or any other evidence of regret from the rapist, the molester, or the murderer.

 

I hope that me being repentant doing the work, and being fully transparent will be enough for my husband to be able to do the same someday.

[Owl]

I agree with what's been said so far, but thought I'd add one thing.

 

The PTSD that's being discussed...is actually going to be there whether or not the marriage is reconciled. I'm sure I'd still have those occasionall flashbacks/triggers, same pitfalls, same loss of that "innocent, blind trust"...even if I'd have divorced and found someone else.

 

It's like any other major emotional trauma...you remember that "that was then, this is now, it's not relevent to where I'm at today", and you drive on.

 

My marriage is reconciled because we can laugh and play and love as much or more than we did before the EA happened. We're good together, and we're happy together...and that's all that matters.

[Spotme]

Thank you for the interesting responses. It makes me feel like we are on the right path with our reconciliation. Seren, I have to tell you that whenever I read your posts, I picture you in this idyllic cottage set in rolling green English countryside with perpetual golden early evening sun bathing the view out your window. You finish typing on your laptop at a little desk in a bay window, then go for a stroll hand-in-hand with your husband. I think it's because you radiate such peacefulness. Please don't disillusion me if I'm wrong

[seren]

Thank you for the interesting responses. It makes me feel like we are on the right path with our reconciliation. Seren, I have to tell you that whenever I read your posts, I picture you in this idyllic cottage set in rolling green English countryside with perpetual golden early evening sun bathing the view out your window. You finish typing on your laptop at a little desk in a bay window, then go for a stroll hand-in-hand with your husband. I think it's because you radiate such peacefulness. Please don't disillusion me if I'm wrong

 

 

LOL Spotme, well, I am in an idyllic cottage, but in the Highlands of Scotland with, thankfully, lots of sunshine this year. We live remotely with our animals and I type on my laptop, usually fighting off my cat while H is working at night. We live on a shooting estate (not ours). Our favourite place is in our garden watching the world twirl by, or sat on our favourite bench down the beach scoffing fish and chips, a weekly treat or looking for dolphins. It has been a long hard road, the A helped us to see that H's job in the military meant we spent a lot of time apart and we didn't want to waste anymore time not being together as much as we could. We changed our lifestyle, downsized much, took a huge salary dip, but, we have more time together and I wouldn't change a thing.

 

Reconciliation or reconciling, we are where we are because we both faced the A head on, no hiding, no denial no blame shifting. We cannot change what happened, but we are damned of we will allow it to define us and what we have and almost lost. Life is pretty damned good. Hope you aren't too dissilusioned. Good luck with reconciliation. x

[Spotme]

LOL Spotme, well, I am in an idyllic cottage, but in the Highlands of Scotland with, thankfully, lots of sunshine this year. We live remotely with our animals and I type on my laptop, usually fighting off my cat while H is working at night. We live on a shooting estate (not ours). Our favourite place is in our garden watching the world twirl by, or sat on our favourite bench down the beach scoffing fish and chips, a weekly treat or looking for dolphins. It has been a long hard road, the A helped us to see that H's job in the military meant we spent a lot of time apart and we didn't want to waste anymore time not being together as much as we could. We changed our lifestyle, downsized much, took a huge salary dip, but, we have more time together and I wouldn't change a thing.

 

Reconciliation or reconciling, we are where we are because we both faced the A head on, no hiding, no denial no blame shifting. We cannot change what happened, but we are damned of we will allow it to define us and what we have and almost lost. Life is pretty damned good. Hope you aren't too dissilusioned. Good luck with reconciliation. x

 

It still sounds lovely. I spent most of a week in the highlands once. We stayed in Oban and drove around from there. We have made major changes to our lives as well to help bring and keep us together. I also informed him that I would be facing everything head on from now on on DDay and he could do that with me or walk. So far he has hung in there

[Spotme]

I'm not sure of "fully reconciled" but so far so good

We are much happier then before.

It feels pretty damn good most days, some days suck and other days I'm annoyed that he is still breathing

You know, normal stuff!

BK

 

Us too! But now when I'm annoyed he's still breathing, I have to tell him that and why and if he gives the smallest sign of being annoyed with me, I want to know why so we can address it. Everything head on. That's my motto. (Of course, that's probably why he can be annoyed I'm still breathing some days )