EX wants me in her life, BUT...

[lambiboy]

Hello,

 

Long story short. My ex girlfriend who I was together with almost 4 years broke up with me saying that I'm not giving her enough attention, we met way too occasionally and she felt miserable.

 

She told me that (broke up) 2 months ago. Right now she is seeing someone new, but it isn't anything serious (yet), because she is still talking to me basically everyday through FB.

 

At first month I begged, gifts etc, but nothing helped. Then I went NC and after few days she started to talk with me and said that she wanted me in her life, but don't want to reconcolidate just yet.

 

She thinks that if we get together I will be the same man who is not putting enough effort in the relationship.

 

We have met few times (lunch, driving around etc), but nothing serious. I have really put myself out there and have also showed her how much I care about her and how much I would like to be together with her again.

 

I have had plenty of time to think about what went wrong etc and I really want her back.

 

What should I do? When I go NC, she quickly starts to talk with me. When I don't answer then few days go past and she starts telling me how she wanted us to be together forever.

 

When I start asking serious questions like: Why don't we try again etc. She quickly changes the subject and says she need more time for that.

 

In the meanwhile, what should I do?

 

1) Complete NC?

2) Nonchalance?

3) Be in her side, talk to her etc? (I have been doing this for the past 2 weeks, she gets softer, but still nothing serious)

 

I'm pretty sick of it. It's like push/pull game between us. When I go NC, she starts to talk - wants to meet, says she is loving me etc.. but when I pull she goes cold again.

 

She is 20, I'm 22

[lambiboy]

Any ideas?

 

I'm not completely friendzoned. Personally I her acting can be this cuz:

 

1) she is seeing someone new

2) she is not entirely sure about the breakup (confused)

 

I just want to know what I should do in this kind of situation... I have tried NC so many times, but she always starts to call me/text etc. When I go NC again she will think that I'm immature kid who wont change myself. However, if I stick to NC more than 10 days then it's probably success.

[silly in love]

Let her be.Stay on NC and commit to it.You already showed her that you changed and willing to put more effort.I dnt know the details of how you were treating her.Maybe she is just afraid things would be the same as soon as you two are back.Anyway ball is in her court,stay no contact for awhile.

[saltyfishhead666]

Hello,

 

Long story short. My ex girlfriend who I was together with almost 4 years broke up with me saying that I'm not giving her enough attention, we met way too occasionally and she felt miserable.

 

She told me that (broke up) 2 months ago. Right now she is seeing someone new, but it isn't anything serious (yet), because she is still talking to me basically everyday through FB.

 

At first month I begged, gifts etc, but nothing helped. Then I went NC and after few days she started to talk with me and said that she wanted me in her life, but don't want to reconcolidate just yet.

 

She thinks that if we get together I will be the same man who is not putting enough effort in the relationship.

 

We have met few times (lunch, driving around etc), but nothing serious. I have really put myself out there and have also showed her how much I care about her and how much I would like to be together with her again.

 

I have had plenty of time to think about what went wrong etc and I really want her back.

 

What should I do? When I go NC, she quickly starts to talk with me. When I don't answer then few days go past and she starts telling me how she wanted us to be together forever.

 

When I start asking serious questions like: Why don't we try again etc. She quickly changes the subject and says she need more time for that.

 

In the meanwhile, what should I do?

 

1) Complete NC?

2) Nonchalance?

3) Be in her side, talk to her etc? (I have been doing this for the past 2 weeks, she gets softer, but still nothing serious)

 

I'm pretty sick of it. It's like push/pull game between us. When I go NC, she starts to talk - wants to meet, says she is loving me etc.. but when I pull she goes cold again.

 

She is 20, I'm 22

 

I was given some advice when my ex broke up with me.

 

I was told NC and not to break it. The only point I should break it is if he says to me "I want us to be together" "I want you back" you get what I am saying. I was told NC until they are certain and prove it.

 

She's not certain, she's scatty and right now she's having her cake (new boyfriend) and eating it (you)

 

If she wanted you she wouldn't be with someone else serious or not..

 

You think about that and you'll have your answer.

 

x

[Philosoraptor]

Well she seems to be keeping you in her life as a backup plan in case her dating around doesn't work. Are you comfortable being her second option?

 

If someone truly wants you, they are with you. There are none of these games or dating around. In your shoes I would go NC, heal up, move on, and find someone who truly wants to be with you.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Hello,

 

Long story short. My ex girlfriend who I was together with almost 4 years broke up with me saying that I'm not giving her enough attention, we met way too occasionally and she felt miserable.

 

She told me that (broke up) 2 months ago. Right now she is seeing someone new, but it isn't anything serious (yet), because she is still talking to me basically everyday through FB.

 

At first month I begged, gifts etc, but nothing helped. Then I went NC and after few days she started to talk with me and said that she wanted me in her life, but don't want to reconcolidate just yet.

 

She thinks that if we get together I will be the same man who is not putting enough effort in the relationship.

 

We have met few times (lunch, driving around etc), but nothing serious. I have really put myself out there and have also showed her how much I care about her and how much I would like to be together with her again.

 

I have had plenty of time to think about what went wrong etc and I really want her back.

 

What should I do? When I go NC, she quickly starts to talk with me. When I don't answer then few days go past and she starts telling me how she wanted us to be together forever.

 

When I start asking serious questions like: Why don't we try again etc. She quickly changes the subject and says she need more time for that.

 

In the meanwhile, what should I do?

 

1) Complete NC?

2) Nonchalance?

3) Be in her side, talk to her etc? (I have been doing this for the past 2 weeks, she gets softer, but still nothing serious)

 

I'm pretty sick of it. It's like push/pull game between us. When I go NC, she starts to talk - wants to meet, says she is loving me etc.. but when I pull she goes cold again.

 

She is 20, I'm 22

 

I'm going to be honest with you man here. This stuff is going to be hard to hear, but it comes from a good place. Were all here to help others.

 

Ok....I'm calling bulls***. This whole notion of "not enough attention" is complete and utter bull. If she was concerned with that, she would have told you that before she broke up with you. That was used as an excuse to leave.

 

Here is the situation for you my man. I don't know the whole story, but I'm going to say she has been thinking about doing this for a long time. This 'new' guy may or may not be that new if you see where I'm going with this. Not saying she cheated, I'm just saying its pretty weird for a girl who was with you for four years just finds someone new in two months. No one moves on that fast. All this crap about "wanting us to be together forever" is her putting guilt on you to make you look like the bad guy in the situation and for her to move on quicker. Its a huge b**** move on her part, but a lot of dumpers do it.

 

Thats really hard to hear I know, but I've seen this story WAY too much on here to steer you wrong. Whats going on here is the new guy is just that: New. Its not a four year relationship level. What she is doing is keeping you on the leash just in case the new guy doesnt work out. Using you as the backup plan.You started to beg at first, she wanted nothing of it because again, you were not the first choice. You started going NC and she felt the backup plan was slipping away. Like Mummy said above me, its having the cake and eating it too. She wants you around just to have you there in case something falters. She is unsure of herself and doesnt want to be left in the cold if it doesnt work out.

 

So what are you to do in this? Seriously, go NO CONTACT and stay there. She is going to hit you with some MAJOR guilt and probably call you some names due to age and immaturity, but again, this isnt your problem anymore. She has chosen this, so why should you be the yo-yo here? STAY no contact. Unless she utters the words "I made a mistake...all I want is you and my life and nothing or no one else matters. Please I am so sorry lets work this out" should you even CONSIDER answering anything. Even then, I'd be HIGHLY skeptical.

 

Were all helpers on this site man....if you feel like reaching out or feel you are slipping, come on here and talk about it.

[KCCK]

True what others above are saying... you deserve better.. nobody was born to be anyone's second option...

[Chi townD]

Can't really add anything else except that when you go NC and I mean a TRUE NC, then you don't answer her phonecalls, ignore texts and all emails. And, most important BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK!!!

 

If she discovers that you aren't responding to anything that she's throwing at you, then it wouldn't surprise me if she posts pics of her sitting in this guys lap and kissing him KNOWING that you can see it. She'll expect an angry phonecall or text from you. Sure, you might be angry, but at least you're talking to her again. Mission accomplished! So, don't play her games and block her on Facebook so she can't do that to you.

 

Time to heal and move on.

[Ireallydontknow]

Ah this situation again. Look, I've been there. You want to be strung around? Do you like being second place? I gave another year of my life to someone who was wanting to be with another. It sucks! Hardcore. Don't be an idiot like me.

 

Go NC let her whine and cry, let her new boyfriend not work out, maybe she'll learn to appreciate what she had and stop being a selfish escapist who only cares about the fake beginning stages of the relationship.

[lambiboy]

I just want to add something.

 

She actually told me that I'm not giving her enough attention like 1 year ago. I never thought that she would leave me for that. She constantly told me how unhappy she is, but I didn't care at all. I took her for granted, and that's why I'm feeling a slight guilty.

 

Well, in the past 2 months we have had NC/LC/NONCHALANCE - basically everything. But now we are talking like on daily basis, she even helps me to choose new apartment since she told me that she wants to move in asap and start all over again (if I get apartment).

 

She is constantly telling me about our future etc... But when I PULL, she goes cold. Not ice-cold, but cold like: "we shouldn't be sleeping together, yet". "I need some time" etc BS.

 

I'm seeing her everyday at school, she always wants to chitchat etc. When I refuse, she quickly messages me on FB saying something like "why are you angry?", "why don't you talk with me" etc.

 

It's crazy how disturbing it is. I can't go into proper NC since I have done that 2 times in the past and always failed by her breadcumbs. I don't want to act immature either. When I go NC, she quickly starts to think that I'm playing games etc..

 

For some crazy reason I believe she actually needs some time. I'm not fully changed either, I'm unable to do so, because I don't know how to act with her. I'm far away from being a great boyfriend and I have my ups and downs obviously.

 

I guess the NC is right, I just don't answer her at all.

 

Btw, should I say to her that I'm going NC since I'm unable to take this anymore.. or just disappear like a ghost?

 

Thanks

 

plus the funny thing is that when I ask questions about US. And tell her that I'm not interested in being your backup plan nor being in friendzone. Then she just says something like:

 

"Give me more time to fully trust you"

"If I say Yes, then we will probably be together for the rest of our lives, let me fully think about it"

"You are not friendzoned, you are much much more than a friend"

 

then when I just ignore her, she starts to flirt and seduce me through FB messages.

 

When I said that we both need time off then she quickly says that she unable to live without me.

 

I think she is pretty much in love with me, but the new bf or her ego is too big to commit it. I'm getting better and better both phsycially and mentally and she is seeing it.

Edited September 5, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[Chi townD]

 

It's crazy how disturbing it is. I can't go into proper NC since I have done that 2 times in the past and always failed by her breadcumbs. I don't want to act immature either. When I go NC, she quickly starts to think that I'm playing games etc..

 

 

 

Okay, then what you do is send one last email. You state:

 

" Okay, look. I've been thinking and this is driving me nuts. I don't think it would be a good idea for us to continue to talk or be around each other. You made a choice in your life and, unfortunately, it wasn't me.

 

You have a new boyfriend and I need to move on with my life. I'm not being fair to myself. I will admit to mistakes that I've made in the past and I have and continue to learn from them. But, I have to move on with my life just as you have. I can't continue to idly wait with false hope. And, I will not be a back up plan or a consolation prize. I'm sorry I couldn't give you what you felt you wanted or needed; I guess that's what I'm starting to learn. But, Maybe there's a girl out there for me that wants to be with me because there's no other place in the world she would rather be. You have someone in your life and now it's time I found my own path. I still have feelings for you and I'm not being fair to you or myself hanging around you while I still have those feelings.

 

So, this is the last time you hear from me. I'm sorry that I wasn't what you wanted; but I will always cherish the time that we did have together. I need to heal and move on. I wish you nothing but the best in life. Take care of yourself."

 

Then, you do a hard NC. Block her on Facebook. If you don't respond to anything she sends then she'll know why because you laid it out for her. There's no mystery. You've already told her why.

[saltyfishhead666]

I just want to add something.

 

She actually told me that I'm not giving her enough attention like 1 year ago. I never thought that she would leave me for that. She constantly told me how unhappy she is, but I didn't care at all. I took her for granted, and that's why I'm feeling a slight guilty.

 

Well, in the past 2 months we have had NC/LC/NONCHALANCE - basically everything. But now we are talking like on daily basis, she even helps me to choose new apartment since she told me that she wants to move in asap and start all over again (if I get apartment).

 

She is constantly telling me about our future etc... But when I PULL, she goes cold. Not ice-cold, but cold like: "we shouldn't be sleeping together, yet". "I need some time" etc BS.

 

I'm seeing her everyday at school, she always wants to chitchat etc. When I refuse, she quickly messages me on FB saying something like "why are you angry?", "why don't you talk with me" etc.

 

It's crazy how disturbing it is. I can't go into proper NC since I have done that 2 times in the past and always failed by her breadcumbs. I don't want to act immature either. When I go NC, she quickly starts to think that I'm playing games etc..

 

For some crazy reason I believe she actually needs some time. I'm not fully changed either, I'm unable to do so, because I don't know how to act with her. I'm far away from being a great boyfriend and I have my ups and downs obviously.

 

I guess the NC is right, I just don't answer her at all.

 

Btw, should I say to her that I'm going NC since I'm unable to take this anymore.. or just disappear like a ghost?

 

Thanks

 

plus the funny thing is that when I ask questions about US. And tell her that I'm not interested in being your backup plan nor being in friendzone. Then she just says something like:

 

"Give me more time to fully trust you"

"If I say Yes, then we will probably be together for the rest of our lives, let me fully think about it"

"You are not friendzoned, you are much much more than a friend"

 

then when I just ignore her, she starts to flirt and seduce me through FB messages.

 

When I said that we both need time off then she quickly says that she unable to live without me.

 

I think she is pretty much in love with me, but the new bf or her ego is too big to commit it. I'm getting better and better both phsycially and mentally and she is seeing it.

 

She needs more time to fully trust you for doing nothing wrong other than playing the attention game with her. Children are attention seekers what is she 5?

 

You are the back up guy, you are sat around waiting for her relationship to fail so she can come back to you rather than her be alone.

 

You are second best - if she wanted YOU she would be working things out with YOU. Talking about it while she's getting it on with someone else is not working it out. She is using you.

 

Please don't be blind to this, I hate creatures who do that while the one that truly loves them sits there and accepts it.

[lambiboy]

Well, we met for the last time just couple of minutes ago.

 

I told her that it's not working out for me, I'm not feeling comfortable and I don't want to hold my life staying at one point just to wait for her. (I have been doing this 2 months straight, literally)

 

Then she told me that the rebound guy is pointless and I don't have to worry about him, since it wont work out anyway. She told me that she still has feelings for me and that's why it wont work. Also she told me that the rebound guy is way more immature than I am.

 

That was funny but yeah... I kinda didn't show any feelings about it. Then she told me to wait 2-3 weeks and after that she promised to told me whether she wants to continue with me or not. She told that she needs some time to re-evaluate things, make sure that I'm the mr. right etc...

 

I just told her: "Yeah whatever, will see..." (nonchalance) Then she went nuts and almost started to cry since I'm not willing to wait 2-3 weeks.

 

Then we split and that's basically it.

 

I won't answer her on FB (I won't block her on FB either since we both have done this too many times in the past)

 

I'll be most likely receiving some breadcrumbs in the next following days (pretty sure about it), but I will not answer. Unless it's something like "I made mistake, gosh I want you back asap. You are the most important thing in my life"

 

How about calling and stuff? What if she calls me out of the blue and wants to meet or talk about our relationship? Should I act nonchalance OR completely ignore that as well?

 

Thanks folks btw, you have helped me a lot.

[aliveagain]

She's the one with the boyfriend and she needs more time to see if she can trust you, what else do you need to know so you can move on? She is trying out some new strange while you wait in the wings for her to throw you a bone. Ask someone out on a date, get your mind off your ex for a while. You need to think strait because taking her with you to pick out a new apartment will do nothing but make you hate your new apartment after you move in. Will you need her approval when you start dating?

[berkeley1987]

at least she still loves you. i'd be in your position any day. my ex hates me and said we're never getting back together ever.

[William]

Moderation is noting auto-moderation of the thread starter's postings, which may indicate sourcing from a blacklisted IP, so please be patient, as their responses may be delayed because we must approve each one manually. Thanks.

[Chi townD]

If she calls, then you let it go to voicemail. And I strongly recommend that block her on Facebook one last time. This time is different, right?