mrbrightside14 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 25 y.o. male strongly attracted to a 30 y.o. woman, same school. This girl and I have been talking for about 2 months now. 2 official dates and a few hangouts every now and then. I think we've gotten to know each other quite well. We used to show each other "affection" by kissing a lot, and she would always compliment me. I thought things were going really great, but she told me something very upsetting a few days ago. She said she would like us to be friends "for now" because of her emotional baggage from her previous relationship. She told me that I am the only guy she's currently going on dates with, but "something bad" happened to the ex, and she "feels morally obligated to focus on getting him out of the situation." I was so angry for days and still am, but I did some introspection and concluded that neither she nor I am datable at the moment. She has emotional baggage right now, I am extremely stressed out and feeling like I am at the lowest point in my life right now because of my struggles in grad school. Me: Let me be honest here. Both you and I are un-datable at the moment. You've got some emotional baggage, I'm like super stressed out and almost depressed, as you already know, because I'm struggling mightily at school. I realized I cannot invest any of my time and energy on anybody. You are obviously not ready for me, and I don't think you ever will be. Her: You can't forecast that. Me: Should you decide that you want something more than friendship at any moment, you are gonna have to try VERY hard because you've already hurt me once. So, I highly doubt we are gonna be more than friends. If what we have blossoms into something more serious, very cool. If not, whatever. I am letting go of my feelings for now because I'm all about cutting losses. I dropped all these girls who tried to friend-zone me like hot potatoes in the past. I only keep you in my life as a friend because I appreciate you as a person. You have many good qualities. I admire your views on life and things in general. Spending time with you is always enjoyable. But, I don't expect much out of spending time with you. Her: I'm glad. I don't wanna lose someone amazing like you. I will let you know I am ready for you. Me: I don't care. I probably made a beta bitch move, and I may regret the decision to keep her in my life as a "friend." I'm sure I will cut ties with her if I feel that her presence in my life is emotionally toxic. Has anyone had a similar experience? How did it turn out?
crederer Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 She's putting you on the back burner while trying to patch things up with her ex. Simple as that. Move on.
Woop1337 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 If a woman really liked you, the last thing she wants to be is friends. I think she is jut bsing you. She just using that ex bf excuse. Even if it was real, that means she got a lot of baggage. And you know what they say, never date anyone that has more problems than you. And if you are going to stop talking to a woman, you don't tell her that. You just disappear with no explanation, if that's your style. 1
MrCastle Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Ugh, reading that was cringe worthy. Are those real conversations? Or text? Either way, you were saying a whoooole lot more than she was, and that is never good. If you are talking more than the girl is, or sending these large walls of texts to her, and she's giving you one liners, you've already lost. You completely showed your emotional hand. I speak as someone who used to do what you did in the OP. I get it, you want her to understand where you're coming from, but a great way to embarrass yourself is to invest considerably more in a relationship than the other person. You should have taken a whatever/casual approach. No need for the drama. She wasn't ready for anything, you weren't either -- so then just put it on hold. Maybe try for a friends with benefits situation while the two of you sort your life out. I don't do the friends thing so I get where you're coming from. You don't want to stick around for that. But you can eject without turning it into a big thing.
sigurpol Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 As Woop put it, yeah, no need to pull a friend card if she truly liked you. I went through the same thing with other people where it was a "I need to figure me out first" or "I just got over something"- Okay, then don't drag me into the picture. Simple as this. If someone likes you and you like them back. That's it. That's the formula.
The Way I Am Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Yeah, when I was younger, I did have similar whiny, pathetic conversations with guys who were showing that they weren't really that into me. It didn't work out well for me, and it won't work out well for you. I've learned those bitchy conversations where you try to make yourself look stronger than you really are just aren't attractive. Either lay it your feelings on the line and courteously accept whatever the response or just walk silently away. When you try to half ass it by masking your feelings with bravado about cutting losses and not caring, it's bitchy and it's a turn off.
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