tme0 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 My boyfriend and I are going through something right now. I know him really well and feel like I know what the problem is, but he doesn't think it is that. His best friend also knows him very well, possibly better than I know him...and I just feel like if I talked to him about this, he might be able to give me some insight. He might say "oh yeah, you're definitely right,this has happened with him before, just give it some time." Or he might say the opposite. I know by talking with him about this there is a chance he'd tell my boyfriend, but I really don't think he would if I asked him not to. I just am at a point where I don't know right now. I need to talk to someone but I don't know who would be best.
Author tme0 Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 My boyfriend and I are going through something right now. I know him really well and feel like I know what the problem is, but he doesn't think it is that. His best friend also knows him very well, possibly better than I know him...and I just feel like if I talked to him about this, he might be able to give me some insight. He might say "oh yeah, you're definitely right,this has happened with him before, just give it some time." Or he might say the opposite. I know by talking with him about this there is a chance he'd tell my boyfriend, but I really don't think he would if I asked him not to. I just am at a point where I don't know right now. I need to talk to someone but I don't know who would be best. Just some extra info: His best friend and I are friends. We all hang out together. The other day my boyfriend had my phone and was messing around on it and he saw I had a text thread with his best friend. He went to go click on it but I told him not to (I was talking with his friend about what I was doing for his birthday) I said "don't click on that." he asked why not and I said "it's a surprise. but don't worry, I didn't talk to him about what's going on" to which he said, "I know. I know you wouldn't talk to him about that" I don't know why he said that...
pteromom Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 How would you feel if he talked about you with your best friend behind your back? I wouldn't talk to his friend unless he gives you permission to do so. I would talk to your boyfriend. He's the only one who can resolve whatever issue you guys are facing. 2
Author tme0 Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 How would you feel if he talked about you with your best friend behind your back? . I honestly wouldn't care. And I did talk to my boyfriend about this. Everytime I talk to him about it he changes his story though, so I don't know what's going on in his head.
FitChick Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Talk to a therapist. You want impartial advice you can't get from friends, some of whom might want you to split up. I would feel betrayed if my boyfriend talked about me behind my back. 3
Grumpybutfun Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 His best friend is off limits. Guys do not like it when women talk to their friends about them. He will see it as a betrayal. My spouse is friends with some of my friends but our problems are our problems and if she talked to my best friend about our problems, I would be very angry. (Though she would never do this.) When you said I wouldn't talk to him about this and he said "I know this", it is because he thinks you understand that this would be inappropriate and a betrayal of his trust. Do you not have a best girlfriend you can talk to? Or better yet, sit down with him and talk to him in a calm manner, and if he keeps changing his story then he feels unable to talk to you or he is hiding something.. Good luck, Grumps 2
carhill Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Who is it ok to talk to about your relationship? The primary person is your relationship partner. Secondarily, a disinterested third party, preferably a professional skilled at listening and providing guidance. I'll give an example of what IMO is inappropriate: Her: My husband can't get it up (has erectile dysfunction). I need sex. Me: I see. Then I give her husband a hug and wish him well, with him completely unaware that I know what his wife has shared (unverifiable except by him) about their bedroom life. My filters of propriety and knowing the couple for many years prohibit me from verifying such information. In general I work to put it out of my mind. Inappropriate. Also, not uncommon in my 54. Meh.... 1
Author tme0 Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 Talk to a therapist. You want impartial advice you can't get from friends, some of whom might want you to split up. I would feel betrayed if my boyfriend talked about me behind my back. A therapist wouldn't help... The problem is with him, so my talking to a therapist isn't going to help. And I don't want to have to pay to talk to someone about this.
carhill Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 A skilled professional can assist you in dealing with the *relationship* problem. As in my example above, no relationship problem exists in an absolute vacuum. It affects everyone and everyone has choices and responsibilities attendant to it. A professional can help *you* more effectively work the problem as a relationship partner to effect a resolution or, conversely, achieve the clarity necessary to accept the problem or deem it an incompatibility and move on. I would strongly suggest avoiding triangulation with intimates, meaning friends of the relationship. Good luck.
RogerWallace111 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 His best friend is off limits. Guys do not like it when women talk to their friends about them. He will see it as a betrayal. My spouse is friends with some of my friends but our problems are our problems and if she talked to my best friend about our problems, I would be very angry. (Though she would never do this.) When you said I wouldn't talk to him about this and he said "I know this", it is because he thinks you understand that this would be inappropriate and a betrayal of his trust. Do you not have a best girlfriend you can talk to? Or better yet, sit down with him and talk to him in a calm manner, and if he keeps changing his story then he feels unable to talk to you or he is hiding something.. Good luck, Grumps The bolded. Even talking to your own same-sex friends about certain aspects of your relationship can be inappropriate- don't go talking to his male friend about yourguys' problems. That's what many call "bitchass sh*t". Especially after he clearly confirmed that he wouldn't want that. "I know you wouldn't talk to him about it" means "Of course you wouldn't, you know that'd be triflin." And of course you'll say that talking to someone else won't provide the same insight his buddy could, and it won't, but ya know, tough luck. You're issues will worsen greatly if you go talking to his best friend about things that are between the two of you, so find another way to work through it. Tell him you really want him to open up and work with you because you love him so much that it hurts to have things on less than good, open terms. And if he won't be forthright immediately, keep breaching the subject in a calm way till he does. Any secrets a man would harbor from the woman he loves when she welcomes him with open arms and expresses real interest in understanding/helping are gonna be of the shameful or dark nature. Which from your description of the situation doesn't sound like the case. Work with him, and if you come to a point where you need a third party, talk to a relatively unbiased family member or a therapist.
TheGuard13 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 My boyfriend and I are going through something right now. I know him really well and feel like I know what the problem is, but he doesn't think it is that. His best friend also knows him very well, possibly better than I know him...and I just feel like if I talked to him about this, he might be able to give me some insight. He might say "oh yeah, you're definitely right,this has happened with him before, just give it some time." Or he might say the opposite. I know by talking with him about this there is a chance he'd tell my boyfriend, but I really don't think he would if I asked him not to. I just am at a point where I don't know right now. I need to talk to someone but I don't know who would be best. The obvious answers are your close friends or a therapist. But it depends on what "going through something" means, too.
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