Brunettie Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 My boyfriend & I have been dating a year and 3 months. By this point in the relationship, you should be able to tell they love you based on actions, not just because they say the words. I feel like he can tell I love him even if I didn't say it (I do say it too though) I clean his house, cook him dinner for when he gets home (when I'm over) when he mentions he likes something, I keep it in mind and get it for him as a gift, I plan nice things (for example, I threw him a surprise party last weekend, even though we were celebrating BOTH of our birthdays that day, I basically let him have the day and invited his friends and family), I have food and drinks in my house that he likes for when he comes over, etc. What should the guy be doing?
MrCastle Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Everything you just mentioned + good dick 6
TigerCub Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Everything you just mentioned + good dick Can you be my boyfriend? 2
Author Brunettie Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 Maybe it's just me but I honestly don't understand this thread. It's a recipe for both over-analyzation and disaster. What do you feel like he should be doing? Is he doing it? Then shouldn't that be enough? There's no rulebook of things men and women must do at certain stages in a relationship, or if there is, I'm certainly not buying it. I see women do this all the time, it's how they start getting antsy after a year and he hasn't proposed marriage or started picking out baby names. If you're comfortable and happy let it be. This is precisely why relationships disintegrate. Nothing stays whole if you pick it apart. I'm not overanalyzing or picking apart things or expecting a proposal right now.. I just feel like he should be doing some things. Nothing that has to cost money, but some things. I see other people's relationships and what the boyfriend says and does and I wonder if that's how it's supposed to be. Like if my boyfriend isn't doing those things then...is that just how he is or are we not to that point yet or what 1
KatZee Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Honestly if he's not doing anything remotely like what you're doing for him you need to pull back. I see you acting like a wife when you're not. I see you bending over backwards doing so much for him and he's not reciprocating at all. Everything you're doing for him makes it so easy for him to take advantage of you. You're not his mother you don't need to clean his house or do his laundry. If you portray yourself to be a mother figure then he is going to stop seeing you as a romantic partner. He is a grown man I'm sure he knows how to clean up after himself. It's very nice of you to be thoughtful and to do so many nice things for him but he should be doing the same for you. Nagging him isn't going to get you the results you want you need to show by action that you need more so that means you should be pulling back from doing so much for him. 5
amazingdrummer Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I feel like you are the giver in that relationship, and he is, unfortunately, a taker. Hard to say if you can expect him to voluntarily do something for you
pteromom Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 . I just feel like he should be doing some things. Nothing that has to cost money, but some things. I see other people's relationships and what the boyfriend says and does and I wonder if that's how it's supposed to be. Like if my boyfriend isn't doing those things then...is that just how he is or are we not to that point yet or what There is no "should". Every person is different. Some people love showing physical affection, and others don't. Some people love buying gifts - others don't. Some people are very in tune with what their partner needs, and others need to be told very clearly in order to "get it". Every relationship is different, and it doesn't matter how it is "supposed to be". What matters is whether YOUR relationship makes you happy. Expectations are dangerous, because when he doesn't meet your expectations, resentment builds up. Instead of having expectations and getting annoyed when he doesn't do what you think boyfriends "should" do, talk to him! Tell him how you want to be loved. Tell him what makes you feel special. And ask him what makes HIM feel that way. Don't measure your relationship against other relationships. Instead, focus on making yours what you want. 3
crederer Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Well what IS he doing? You mention all the things you do but don't mention what he does. Why are you with him (not saying to leave him, I mean list the reasons/things he does that makes you love him)?
Author Brunettie Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 Well what IS he doing? You mention all the things you do but don't mention what he does. Why are you with him (not saying to leave him, I mean list the reasons/things he does that makes you love him)? Well, I drive over to his house 95% of the time, but whenever we go out anywhere he drives. And he pays 98% of the time when we go out to eat. Yesterday was my birthday, he called me on my way to school to say happy birthday. Was a 1 minute phone call and haven't heard from him since though. I love him because he does treat me well and he is very nice and makes me feel comfortable. In the beginning he did more sweet stuff.
soccerrprp Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 What should the guy be doing? What you're doing!
ExpatInItaly Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Well, I drive over to his house 95% of the time, but whenever we go out anywhere he drives. And he pays 98% of the time when we go out to eat. Yesterday was my birthday, he called me on my way to school to say happy birthday. Was a 1 minute phone call and haven't heard from him since though. I love him because he does treat me well and he is very nice and makes me feel comfortable. In the beginning he did more sweet stuff. So basically your question is: Why didn't he put more effort into my birthday, and why isn't he doing the same sweet stuff he used to? These are valid questions, by the way. Giving us this background info would've helped to understand why you were asking what a boyfriend should do. 1
Author Brunettie Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 So basically your question is: Why didn't he put more effort into my birthday, and why isn't he doing the same sweet stuff he used to? These are valid questions, by the way. Giving us this background info would've helped to understand why you were asking what a boyfriend should do. I guess so, yeah. Another thing, I don't have my present yet..apparently it's in the mail. He's always been like that. I always get my gifts late or we go out the day of and go get it. Not that I'm making a big deal out of gifts, just...it makes me feel...Idk, sad I guess that he knew it was my birthday..it didn't change or come up out of nowhere, and he didn't do anything to prepare for it. I had his gift a month in advance and had planned a surprise party for him.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I guess so, yeah. Another thing, I don't have my present yet..apparently it's in the mail. He's always been like that. I always get my gifts late or we go out the day of and go get it. Not that I'm making a big deal out of gifts, just...it makes me feel...Idk, sad I guess that he knew it was my birthday..it didn't change or come up out of nowhere, and he didn't do anything to prepare for it. I had his gift a month in advance and had planned a surprise party for him. The bolded is part of the problem. If he's always been this way, he isn't likely to change now. Have you told him how you feel?
Author Brunettie Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 The bolded is part of the problem. If he's always been this way, he isn't likely to change now. Have you told him how you feel? No, I feel bad griping about gifts. I don't want to come across as being materialistic; I'm not. It's more about the thought. Like last year I had gotten his Christmas gift by October or the beginning of November. We were at a store moments before it closed to get my gift on Christmas Eve.
crederer Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Based on the information provided, it sounds like a communication problem. If you need him to pull more weight, you need to respectfully yet firmly tell him so. I think this is not a huge issue, the big issue is the fact that you're scared to communicate with him. Why is this? 1
Author Brunettie Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 Based on the information provided, it sounds like a communication problem. If you need him to pull more weight, you need to respectfully yet firmly tell him so. I think this is not a huge issue, the big issue is the fact that you're scared to communicate with him. Why is this? I'm not afraid to talk to him about it. I just don't want him to think I'm complaining about gifts. Its not about gifts, it's about it ALWAYS being late and it makes me feel like he's not taking time to put thought into it
fanine Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 I don't know if this is just simply more a man thing? Years ago I worked in a shop. In the lead up to Christmas the women would be coming in to get gifts from early December onwards. Christmas Eve though it was virtually all men, grabbing anything they thought might be appropriate. I had several telling me how much they wanted to spend and then asked me to choose something for their wife or girlfriend. I like finding cute gifts for my other half. He is not so great at it! But I accept that is him really. 2
Grumpybutfun Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 It is not a man thing. I remember all dates. I buy gifts way in advance. I bring home the flowers once a month when I think of her. Almost 20 years and I have never been late...ever. Why do I do this? She is my favorite person...never nags...always happy...when she is sad she tells me right away what is going on and doesn't play mind games...she asks me for what she needs in a calm way and I pay attention because when she is happy, I am happy. She is the best chef in the world, is an excellent Journalist and keeps our home a home...so it is the least I can do to do these things for her because she expects me to respect her and her wants. He is lacking and he needs you to explain to him that this is what makes you happy. If men do not want to do things to make you happy, then they do not respect your feelings. However, you have to communicate these things to them. We do not read minds. Good luck, Grumps 9
fanine Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 It is not a man thing. I remember all dates. I buy gifts way in advance. I bring home the flowers once a month when I think of her. Almost 20 years and I have never been late...ever. Why do I do this? She is my favorite person...never nags...always happy...when she is sad she tells me right away what is going on and doesn't play mind games...she asks me for what she needs in a calm way and I pay attention because when she is happy, I am happy. She is the best chef in the world, is an excellent Journalist and keeps our home a home...so it is the least I can do to do these things for her because she expects me to respect her and her wants. He is lacking and he needs you to explain to him that this is what makes you happy. If men do not want to do things to make you happy, then they do not respect your feelings. However, you have to communicate these things to them. We do not read minds. Good luck, Grumps Cool and I definitely didn't want to generalise. 1
Moe'sTavern Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 It is not a man thing. I remember all dates. I buy gifts way in advance. I bring home the flowers once a month when I think of her. Almost 20 years and I have never been late...ever. Why do I do this? She is my favorite person...never nags...always happy...when she is sad she tells me right away what is going on and doesn't play mind games...she asks me for what she needs in a calm way and I pay attention because when she is happy, I am happy. She is the best chef in the world, is an excellent Journalist and keeps our home a home...so it is the least I can do to do these things for her because she expects me to respect her and her wants. He is lacking and he needs you to explain to him that this is what makes you happy. If men do not want to do things to make you happy, then they do not respect your feelings. However, you have to communicate these things to them. We do not read minds. Good luck, Grumps Well said.
anna121 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Agree with others that it is how his level of effort (or lack) is making you feel that is the issue, as opposed to what other guys do. It sounds like he takes you a bit for granted. That tends to happen in any relationship over time. The problem is when it is only coming from one side, as it will exacerbate existing imbalance. Eg, you clean his house and plan surprise parties. He calls you briefly on your birthday and pays for dinner. Think about whether you could tolerate this indefinitely while still being happy with him. In other words, could you accept this as the way it's going to be? If you can't, then talk to him. Be aware that you are going to have to be very clear about what you want, and be prepared to enforce consequences if he can't/won't meet them. Otherwise you'll just be talking out of your you-know-what. And he will know it. 1
RogerWallace111 Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 (edited) It is not a man thing. I remember all dates. I buy gifts way in advance. I bring home the flowers once a month when I think of her. Almost 20 years and I have never been late...ever. Why do I do this? She is my favorite person...never nags...always happy...when she is sad she tells me right away what is going on and doesn't play mind games...she asks me for what she needs in a calm way and I pay attention because when she is happy, I am happy. She is the best chef in the world, is an excellent Journalist and keeps our home a home...so it is the least I can do to do these things for her because she expects me to respect her and her wants. He is lacking and he needs you to explain to him that this is what makes you happy. If men do not want to do things to make you happy, then they do not respect your feelings. However, you have to communicate these things to them. We do not read minds. Good luck, Grumps Damn man, that's heartwarming. Makes me want to be in a relationship. Anyway- his lack of thoughtful gestures, late birthday gifts, etc don't mean he doesn't love you or that you need to kick him to the curb, but it's pretty safe to say he doesn't appreciate you like he should. I've been on his end for short spells where I felt frustrated or bored with things but 90% of the time I'm with Grumps up here. I don't think we need to nitpick about the word "should". I'd say it's clear he should be making a better effort to make OP feel loved/appreciated, considering he's choosing to partake in the relationship. The thing to note though, and the main point of my post, is that it doesn't need to be taken personally. Lots of guys are of his ilk and still deeply love their women. If he expects you to do **** for him and doesn't reciprocate equally that's another story, but a lot of guys are just kind of emotionally toned-down and thus don't realize how good those loving gestures can make one feel, cause they can't fully relate. Leaving them not too prone to go out of their way because they don't know what their partner's missing. It'd be like if you were a nature-lover & your boyfriend could care less about the outdoors, so he kept taking you on vacations into the city. Unless you'd been vocal about your preference, it'd be nothing to take personally or feel resentment over, but definitely worth discussing and changing. So, yeah, tell your man how you feel in a very calm, non-accusatory way, and keep in mind that thoughtlessness doesn't necessarily equate to a lack of caring in quite the way it might initially seem. Edited September 4, 2013 by RogerWallace111 2
Author Brunettie Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 Agree with others that it is how his level of effort (or lack) is making you feel that is the issue, as opposed to what other guys do. It sounds like he takes you a bit for granted. That tends to happen in any relationship over time. The problem is when it is only coming from one side, as it will exacerbate existing imbalance. Eg, you clean his house and plan surprise parties. He calls you briefly on your birthday and pays for dinner. Think about whether you could tolerate this indefinitely while still being happy with him. In other words, could you accept this as the way it's going to be? If you can't, then talk to him. Be aware that you are going to have to be very clear about what you want, and be prepared to enforce consequences if he can't/won't meet them. Otherwise you'll just be talking out of your you-know-what. And he will know it. Yeah, I guess that's it. I just feel bad even saying any of this. I don't know why. I guess I feel like I shouldn't expect anything, or I make excuses like 'he's busy' which he is but that's not an excuse. The other day I asked him what he was thinking and he said, "Just about how lucky I am.: talking about me. Stuff like that. Stuff like that is worth more and means more to me than gifts and jewelery and stuff. He says sweet stuff like that, but not really that often. He says he doesn't do well with subtle hints so I've flat out told him "I love flowers. All flowers. Flowers make me happy at any time, no matter what." And that didn't seem to help any more than subtle hints do. Just, I don't know. I'm just having one of those days where I think too much and I'm just really down right now.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Yeah, I guess that's it. I just feel bad even saying any of this. I don't know why. I guess I feel like I shouldn't expect anything, or I make excuses like 'he's busy' which he is but that's not an excuse. The other day I asked him what he was thinking and he said, "Just about how lucky I am.: talking about me. Stuff like that. Stuff like that is worth more and means more to me than gifts and jewelery and stuff. He says sweet stuff like that, but not really that often. He says he doesn't do well with subtle hints so I've flat out told him "I love flowers. All flowers. Flowers make me happy at any time, no matter what." And that didn't seem to help any more than subtle hints do. Just, I don't know. I'm just having one of those days where I think too much and I'm just really down right now. What, specifically, would you like him to do that he's not doing right now? I do find it pretty lazy that he only spoke to you for one minute on your birthday. Of course it's not necessary to go all out and get gifts, plan parties, etc. But I'd think he'd maybe want to spend some time with you or at least chat with you a bit more - were you both busy yesterday?
Author Brunettie Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 What, specifically, would you like him to do that he's not doing right now? I do find it pretty lazy that he only spoke to you for one minute on your birthday. Of course it's not necessary to go all out and get gifts, plan parties, etc. But I'd think he'd maybe want to spend some time with you or at least chat with you a bit more - were you both busy yesterday? He left to go out of town for training for a couple weeks yesterday. I definitely expected him to let me know he got there safely (as he usually does) and see how my birthday went. He did neither. I've still not heard from him since that 1 minute phone call. I just want him to do sweet things. Tell me sweet things every once in awhile, come home with some flowers once in awhile. When I do something really nice for him....such as successfully plan a really nice surprise party for him (and nonetheless on a day we were supposed to be celebrating my birthday) brag about me on facebook. Stuff like that. I kind of want to, for the 2 weeks he is gone..let him do all the initiating. Not call or text him unless he does so first. Not say "I love you" on the phone when we're hanging up unless he does first. See how that goes. I'm just afraid after the two weeks are over he's going to be wondering what's going on with me since I'll have done none of that. We're kind of working through some issues right now, so if I do that stuff he might think I'm pulling away. I don't know
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