thetallgirl Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 hello everyone. i'm new here, so i hope i put this in the right place! i have a complicated issue with my best friend's boyfriend. i will try to give as much information as i can in the most brief way possible. my best friend eliza and i have known each other since we were 5 years old. sometimes i even lived in her house with her. i don't want anything to happen to our relationship, but would rather sacrifice the relationship than have her be unhappy if that's what it comes down to. her boyfriend todd has been with her for 4 years. they have an 8 mo. old daughter together. when eliza was pregnant, todd started flirting with me and it made me uncomfortable. it progressed to him telling me that he loves eliza, but that he also wants me. i had always acted neutral toward todd, so i didn't have any idea what to do. i couldn't act less friendly. i wasn't friendly with him as it was. so i started being really mean to him to make him stop liking me, because i knew that eliza loved him very much and that they had a kid on the way. i figured it best that he hate me. but it made it worse. he texted me saying he couldn't get me out of his head, wished he could have me and eliza both, and that he knew it was crazy because he knew i hated him. then he also said that he had liked me for a short time before he fell in love with my best friend, and that he didn't know why the feelings had come back, but maybe he had just never gotten over me. suddenly i understood that i was that iconic "one that got away". that was reinforced on a later day when he was telling eliza while i was with her that he always is reaching toward the impossible- that he always wants what's out of reach. so here is my question. now that i've been mean to him and neutral to him and neither have worked, and now that it seems that being AVAILABLE will actually turn him off, how do i go about getting rid of him by using this against him? i know he really does love my friend, and i also love my friend, so i want to do this on my own if i can. i don't want to ruin her happiness with him unless this last attempt at shaking him off of me fails. my ideas: -i flirt with him over the phone randomly and while he's around eliza so that he freaks out and hangs up and tries to avoid me to save his relationship. -i text him and invite him to a hotel with me to get the feeling out of his system, inviting him to sleep with me just once, and then never show up at the appointed time, insulting his manhood, and yet having acted available just long enough and leaving him excited long enough that the feeling of having me DOES get out of his system. -i say we can swap naked pictures so that he can get me off of his mind. after he sends a picture of himself, i don't send one of me. instead, i send pictures of other guys' penises that look the opposite of his (if his is short and fat i send pictures of long skinny ones, or vice versa) saying "eww, your penis is gross! i prefer ones like this!", which could work like the scenario above. the idea is to make myself seem slutty and "available", but then to not have to go through with anything, and then to make him feel stupid or insulted. also, any worries about my friend being mad at me for what i do can be ignored, because if he says something to her, or if she finds out some other way and thinks my "availability" to him is serious, i can show her THIS forum post. just help me get rid of this guy!!! thank you very much for reading. looking forward to your help and your ideas. - beka p.s.- i am going to try to discreetly attempt to get eliza to play hard to get with him sometimes, just to make her seem more elusive, so after he's done with me, he won't fantasize about some other girl he can't have. 1
Keenly Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 So instead of being honest and sincere, you would rather be a coward and lie? I don't see any logic in your plan at all. 1
Author thetallgirl Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 the only reason why is because i tried sincerity before. i told him i wasn't interested a million times. i tried it nicely, meanly, every single way. the only thing i haven't tried is acting available or telling my friend.
Moe'sTavern Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 You might as well tell your friend at this point. 1
Author thetallgirl Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 i probably should have put that in the original post, but it already seemed too long of a story.
CarrieT Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 Instead of all that game-playing antics, why don't you address him and Eliza TOGETHER and bring it all out in the open? She should know the kind of guy she is with and it would totally diffuse these altercations he keeps creating. Whatever you do, please don't consider the options you are proposing. They reek of immaturity and manipulation.
Author thetallgirl Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 i shouldn't try anything else? i should just tell her? i'd just feel bad if it could've been avoided. i don't want them to have to split up over me with their baby.
Author thetallgirl Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 addressing them together is actually a good idea. i didn't consider it before. i guess they always just seemed so separate to me, because i never talk to them both at the same time.
Author thetallgirl Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 also, won't seeming manipulative and immature drive him away? that's what i am going for.
CarrieT Posted September 4, 2013 Posted September 4, 2013 also, won't seeming manipulative and immature drive him away? that's what i am going for. He is being manipulative in trying to seduce you and is immature to believe he can have you both. So, no, playing that card won't work. And just telling Eliza could backfire because she might not believe you and he could lie to her -- what is known as gaslighting -- making you appear the aggressor. The best way is to bring it out in the open with both of them there.
Author thetallgirl Posted September 4, 2013 Author Posted September 4, 2013 hmm... alright, those are all really good points! thanks everyone. it's really hard sometimes not to get sucked into someone's game. if you feel stuck in a situation, sometimes it's hard not to lose sight of the fact that there are options OUTSIDE of participating. i will confront eliza with evidence, and then i will go with her when she confronts her boyfriend. thanks a bunch. - beka
SincereOnlineGuy Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 WHATEVER you do, don't create more 'evidence' based on the ideas you were contemplating up in that first post. Once you put anything in writing, no matter your intentions to the contrary, your friend will see only that which appears in print, and your friendship will not last the time it would take you to direct her to Loveshack for a pre-dated plot establishing the opposite to be the real truth. I can't believe you thought of 'texting' (a.k.a. putting in writing) the beginnings of those plots. Good luck! (and I too can see the appeal to thetallgirl )
bentleychic Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Tell your friend he's a loser and tell him to get the hell away from you.
gaius Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Just tell your friend about what he's doing. She'll get all mad and get rid of you since she loves him, and he won't be able to contact you or else he'll incur major wrath from her. But I think on some level you're starting to enjoy this drama and attention. So maybe just sleep with him once and after he conquers you he'll move onto the next challenge. Problem solved.
bubbaganoosh Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 Be honest with your girlfriend. You two have been friends since your were 5. If you went a told her what's going on and that he's making you feel uncomfortable, I would think that after all these years you have been friends with her, she would take your word and not thinking that your trying to drive a wedge between her and her weenie boyfriend. Honestly, if he loved her, he wouldn't be making advances towards you. Where I come from, that isn't love. Trust your girlfriend and fill her in before you "think" your way into a situation that you might come to regret. OK?
darkmoon Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 just see them at the same time, or her separately I do not see how he gets at you then n quietly block his number
todreaminblue Posted September 5, 2013 Posted September 5, 2013 tell your friend the exact truth word for word..never lie or embellish anything...deceit does nto pay...you are being deceitful to your friend....never encourage him........do not act slutty ....have dignity and grace and be compassionate when you tell her......be there for her...........and be absolutely honest, your friend deserves to know .....deb
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